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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 6:24:15 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

If they are not ready to meet someone for coffee, they aren't ready for what it is we do. 



I'm ready to meet for coffee, but I'm not ready to do EVERYTHING it is people do. I'm too new for that. But I figure meeting for coffee is the start to learning about it......slowly.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 6:37:26 PM   
merrymasochist


Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline 		I've met up with several from here. My experiences have ranged from close-but-no-cigar, to run-like-hell, to I-wish-he-were-into-me-but-it-ain't-happening. Online conversations can only go so far in getting to know a person. It takes face-to-face to truly gauge whether there's any chemistry or possibility of going further.

I prefer to do my meets in a pleasant neutral setting with the understanding of zero expectations and that I'm not going to be going off to play afterwards, period and end of story. If we click and are one anothers cup of tea then another neutral meet can be arranged. If not, then we can just remain friends or part ways with no harm or foul to one another.

I've never been stood up so far but there's always a first time. Then again, if I were stood up without just cause, it would pretty much tell me all I needed to know about that person and I was better not meeting them after all.

Sincerely,
merry

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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 6:41:10 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I have never understood the fear of meeting. Granted there have been a few people that I have met that I walked away thinking..wooowwww...........and not in a good way. But I go into a meeting with very few expectations other than a pleasant conversation. I don't know if the fear factor comes from what they THINK might be expected or just the idea that their fantasy land is getting real and it scares the bejesus out of them.

At this point after one particularly painful situation I don't really have any expectations from the net other than, it is what it is. If I should meet someone wonderful because of it, that will just be the icing on the cake.

Coffee anyone???

(in reply to sublizzie)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 7:00:11 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		 
Ya know, I was just talking to a friend about this…but from another angle; the need for ‘protectors’.  Protection from WHAT?   Having lunch or coffee during daylight hours, in a public place seems pretty benign to me.  I’ve met people several many times; I offer to split the bill, too.  That’s another bad rap subs get… “They meet for a free meal”.  Not me.  Anyway, I like to exchange notes for a week or two; perhaps three…and then meet.  That’s long enough time to sort of get to know the other person, for each of us to determine we’re interested in the same thing; that our expectations are aligned.

I seldom play with someone I’ve just met.  Of course there are exceptions (an introduction by a close friend to someone they consider a close friend…at a club where people are already playing and lots of people are around?), but I feel keeping a first-meet to ‘just coffee’ or lunch really takes the pressure off.  I also feel expectations are kept in check if ALL that is expected is a meal and a couple hours of face-to-face talk.  Period.

But I’m with you folks…meeting is the only real way to make/keep things ‘real time’.  I’m all about keeping aspects of BDSM in my life…realtime.  I’ve never been stood up, because generally I weed through the posers before setting up a meet and if the meet doesn’t include play…generally they’ll say upfront they have no interest in meeting (if play is all they’re after).

I’m an adult…why, again, do I need a ‘protector’?  Coffee's NOT scary!!!   LOL

(in reply to allspicey)
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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 7:04:08 PM   
buffiyum


Posts: 119
Status: offline 		Well..... like You LaTigresse Ma'am, buffy has had a 'not-so-good' experience relating to actually 'meeting Someone' for the first time.....
luckily for this girl, it all worked out well in the end. one is home safe and has learned a very good lesson that maybe, she needed to learn.
For buffy, when meeting a new Sir for the very first time, coffee or a meal locally is one thing..... jetting off to meet Him in His city, not hers, is quite another!
wiser now in nanaimo,
respectfully
this is buffy

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 7:23:25 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		If there seems to be a click, I will meet for coffee or dinner or whatever.  But my free time is in short supply, so if there is just a general interest I will typically let them know and event I plan to be at.  That way we still have a chance to talk, but I can multi task. 


(in reply to allspicey)
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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 7:31:35 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		My only problem with meeting for coffee/dinenr/ whatever usually revolves around trying to find a babysitter and finding a time that both our schedules allow.

I've met a number of people, but some get upset when you can't meet them with in a couple days. As a single parent that is not always possible.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 7:50:37 PM   
Contesaluv


Posts: 173
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I've met people from online for a very long time.  From when AOL first started having the free personals, etc.  The thing to do is to always ensure as allspicey said that you're meeting them in a place that's safe for you and in your territory.  I've met subs from online and have maintained contact with them.  When I can't meet them in a one-on-one scenario, I let them know of a munch or other BDSM public event that I will be attending so that they can meet me in a place that will hopefully feel as safe to them as it does for me.

I've also met a wonderful sub recently at a local munch and am considering him as a strong possibility in regards to what I'm looking for.  However, until such time as I collar one, the search continues and yes I will meet them in public for coffee, dinner or the like after I've chatted with them to a point where I'm comfortable enough to meet.

So, loosen up and get a safe and comfortable public spot to meet.  It can't go to far if you only keep it online.



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(in reply to allspicey)
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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 8:08:41 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Smiles....I have never found coffe to be in the least scarey...I actually enjoy meeting someone new, wether it turns out to be more or not, I feel at the very least I am putting myself out there and not restricting myself to simply the internet.I have never been stood up,and have met some truly kind Dominants..not my fit..but for the most part good men..Of course as someone has said this meeting is usually followed by at least a week or more of e-mails..I truly hate IM so I never go to that..I find IMs to be impersonal,with no depth whatsoever..I much prefer the phone,with that venue you at least get the inflections of voice and more substantive responses...so with that said...DOUBLE SHOT OF CAFFEINE PLEASE!!!...be well...Tempting

(in reply to Contesaluv)
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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 8:16:37 PM   
DreamyLadySnow


Posts: 359
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		I meet people. Lots of them.
The hard part is being a shy, introverted Domme and meeting a shy introverted sub.
Um, how about them Oilers? lol
I still do it.

LS

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 8:18:47 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

By the way...anyone up for coffee? ~s~ We're past the sugar beet processing-smell season here so it's safe for your nostrils now.


Hey neighbor. How do you manage coffee between beets, silage, cow poo and burning hides. ummmm yummy makes that colombian roast taste better.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 8:25:37 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Granted there have been a few people that I have met that I walked away thinking..wooowwww...........and not in a good way.


Yeah subs just and FYI for proper presentation. Coming 20 minutes late in sweats and smelling like you haven't bathed in a week is NOT the way to get a ladies attention in a positive manner. Then when you finally get there and she has the little cup in her hand that says starsucks DO NOT ASK "So did you get coffee" um no I was just using this as a spitoon.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 8:48:50 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		There are some coffees that are quite scary, weak, lukewarm, served in a less than pristine cup.......but I digress.  I admit that after unhappy meets, I grow weary of the predictable tedium where his agenda is not conversation and learning about each other, but rather how fast he tries to get me to agree to walk with him to the cheap motel across the street.  It happens often enough that I grow cautious. There are times I'm up for taking the chance that he is what he seemed when we chatted, and other times I  can't bring myself to deal with the likely depressing results of such a meet. 

< Message edited by catize -- 5/10/2006 8:51:23 PM >

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(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 9:44:00 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		I think coffee is the only way to figure out who is real and who is not, and, in my experience, at least half the Doms disappear when I make it clear I want coffee and not cybersex.  I'm sure some real people manage coffee, and I'm sure some people think I'm not real either, but there is a difference between someone willing to show up and someone scared of showing up.

I assume it is because His wife might have a problem with it.  But, then, having met one guy who claimed to be 44, but his picture had to be at least 10 years old, oh, and he remembers where he was when JFK was killed, I wasn't sure what calendar he was using to calculate his age, I realize there are a multitude of things one might be hiding.  After all, on the internet, no one knows you're really a dog.

The only awkward coffee I ever had was a guy who planned it at his house--me, not knowing the coffee shops in the neighborhood honestly didn't realize it till I got to his door (LOL)--thank heavens for cell phones and the blond laugh! 

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 9:49:50 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I recently had someone send me a pic of themselves claiming to be the same age as myself, the pic was black and white, and the furniture appeared to be from the late 60s early 1970s (you know the crushed velvet look with large flowers and there was panneling on the walls). I never emailed him back.. I maybe blonde but I am not that dumb...lol

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 10:11:57 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DreamyLadySnow

I meet people. Lots of them.
The hard part is being a shy, introverted Domme and meeting a shy introverted sub.
Um, how about them Oilers? lol
I still do it.

LS


I can be very outgoing, but there are situations that will cause me to be very shy. Meeting a dominant male for coffee is one of them.

I hate the first meet, and love it at the same time.

One of the things that has helped is the public coffee shop setting. I'm very clear that, not only will I not play on the first meet, it's unlikely I'll even be ready to commit to playing at a future date. I'm just not comfortable being put on the spot with "Okay, so do you wanna play sometime?" 5 minutes into the meet.

The other big thing that has helped is I insist on a phone chat beforehand. If the conversation is awkward, dull, or contains any information that is a big issue for me, then no meeting. I don't go for coffee until I know that I can at least sit down and have an interesting conversation with that person. It definitely lessens the nerves.

This system was developed through trial and error, and works well for me. I've yet to be stood-up, since sticking by these guidelines. Most people who aren't serious, or are bad news, will bail rather than go along with my suggestions.

Soooo, coffee anyone? I'm all about the caffeine!

Cin

< Message edited by Vancouver_cinful -- 5/10/2006 10:12:49 PM >

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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 10:38:18 PM   
apb


Posts: 103
Joined: 9/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Coffee anyone???



I'd love coffee .... Starbucks?

I've never been afraid to meet someone for coffee.  But then again, I have been very lucky in that all the people I know in the lifestyle are from meeting face-to-face from the beginning.

I only met someone once after meeting them in here.  That turned out to be a disaster.  I'd like to have that impression remedied by actually meeting someone from collarme - but for the most part all the people I know here I know in real life too.  I have chatted to some and I really do hope to meet some of you someday.

In sharp contrast - I did actually meet someone very cool through Yahoo.  We are still very good friends even though she has moved away.

I'm rambling ... time for coffee?

_____________________________

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"This is who I am - you can like it or not. You can love me or leave me 'cos I'm never gonna' stop."
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(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 10:45:41 PM   
LdyS


Posts: 39
Joined: 4/21/2006
Status: offline 		Why is meeting so scary?

Why is it that we often are our own worse critics? Seldom do we see ourselves as others see us. Some are seriously shy, others are recently wounded, venturing out again, others are healed but wary and many are new and uncertain.
So much of What it is that we do (WIITWD) depends on timing and circumstances.  Sensations that are blissful in one scene might cause a safe word in another.
Bringing desires and fantasy into reality takes that one giant leap from which there is no going back. If the real thing does not measure up for whatever reason --- good ---bad --- or otherwise, the fantasy will never be the same again. 
There are at least as many reasons for meeting as there are for not meeting and people who want to meet and people who want to keep it on line only.
Don’t overlook serious shyness. Be prepared to be patient and encouraging. Remain alert for tea drinkers. Best wishes. LdyS


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RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 11:16:58 PM   
allspicey


Posts: 44
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline 		On this one I think I side with CrappyDom.  If they aren't ready for a simple, safe coffee date in a public place, they aren't ready for the rest of what we do.  Until someone can make that first step they haven't really entered the lifestyle.  As well, some people have talked about meeting at clubs or munches.  I've actually found very new people to be even more scared of that than a coffee.  I sometimes meet with new submissives myself to help them past that first fear.  However, it still happens, they cancel, they don't show, they're too scared.  The last discussion group I ran was for the brand new, something I rarely do.  Of the 15 attendees who confirmed, 6 were absolutely new.  Of the ones that were absolutely new, 1 showed up, one cancelled due to illness ...and one got lost.  The other three never contacted me again. This is the primary reason I rarely host newbie events.  These were the very people who convinced me to run one for them in the first place but too often their fear prevents them from attending the very things that have been set up to help ease them in and make them feel comfortable (I only do newbie events if enough newbies gang up on me at a weak moment lol).

spicey

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/11/2006 1:36:27 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		~laffs~
People can be so dogmatic sometimes... I have this joke about those "chat online for at least three months" people....
 
I imagine meeting this delicious guy in the produce section of my local grocery store. Using online logic, maybe I should exchange email addresses and say "we have to chat for at least three months before it's safe to date" LOL

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 40
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