RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (Full Version)

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RavenMuse -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 1:57:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful
I can be very outgoing, but there are situations that will cause me to be very shy. Meeting a dominant male for coffee is one of them.

I hate the first meet, and love it at the same time.


[:D] You sound much like the last young lady from here I met. The venue was a busy bar that did food in central London (About half way between us) Busy but quite enough to talk comfortably.

She was VERY nervious so I simply kept exchanging texts with her to keep her calm as she traveled in on the train. Within 5 minutes of arriving her nerves seemed to have mostly gone, we where chatting away merrily and a good evening was had by all. In fact we totaly lost track of time and before we knew it it was time to walk her back to the tube station and say goodbye.

Myself, I don't suffer from those kinds of nerves.



masterdeltafire -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 2:13:41 AM)

I would rather meet like at a coffee shop or somewhere to eat first meeting.  Somewhere neutral.  I have always been that way.

Same thing on scening.  I do not do anything BDSM related first date.  It should be a feeling out process nothing more. 

If meeting, yes, they always have a safe call to a friend or loved one.  They also have a safe call to me to let me know they arrive home safely if we go in separate cars. 

If ones rush into things, especially the Lifestyle without knowing the person, 9/10 times they wind up getting hurt or abused.  The hard lesson to teach ones, especially young submissives is patience.

I have always said before you take a collar, have every mole, every hair, every freckle signed and numbered on the other person.  Meaning know all of their moods, experiences. background, all of it, total open communication.  And once you know they are safe, after time, then submit to them.  And the first play is light, gradually building.  Working on building trust and communication the entire way. 

I also have no problems watching as a third part observer like at a Munch or the first play meeting.  Not getting involved, but at the same time, making sure the submissive does not get in over their heads, especially if it is a young couple.  Anything to make sure things go well and have a positive outcome, I am all for it on safety and relationships.



becca333 -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 2:29:55 AM)

I don't like coffee.

When I meed a prospective Dom I find the best thing to do is to ply him with alcohol and then race him off to the nearest available bedroom for a quick audition.  Fortunately most men are polite enough to allow this.



Kedikat -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 3:09:10 AM)

I have met with several from another site. I will soon meet with one from here. ( I have had some nice times with some )
I think if someone is unwilling to meet for coffee, they may not be fearful of you, they may be fearful of revealing they are not what they have led you to belive of them. Or they may have very low self esteem that is a wall. Even if they have been truthful.
If they have been untruthful, they may well know how face to face unmasks instantly.
I have had the almost instant reversal of how I felt about a person, when meeting face to face ( and I don't mean physical attributes ).
I have had it reveal itself more slowly after time together.
The online can be a blissful bubble. An editable dream.
Face to face is all the sharp edges.



Kedikat -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 3:12:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

I don't like coffee.

When I meed a prospective Dom I find the best thing to do is to ply him with alcohol and then race him off to the nearest available bedroom for a quick audition.  Fortunately most men are polite enough to allow this.

Hehe.....I remember a very frustrated sub who thought she had Me drunk enough......
I wonder if she is still confused? I would not take her home as she wished, because I was not at My best.



becca333 -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 3:25:03 AM)

I have to admit, though, the first time I met an online contact face to face I was terrified. You hear so many bad stories, and it's a huge risk. Especially if you've got job and more at stake, too.

Also, there's the fear of rejection.... and the even bigger fear that you're just not good enough, that you're not going to be up to standard. 



Proprietrix -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 6:48:25 AM)


I may come across as a hardnose on this, but if they aren't willing to show up for coffee, I'm done with them.

I've seen a few different reasons for the coffee-phobia.

- shy, nervous, scared.....
The way I see it, if someone is too scared to get in their car, drive to a local establishment, and walk in the doors, that's beyond shy. That's social anxiety disorder. I can understand being a bit nervous, but to not be able to get there in the first place? That's an unhealthy fear of society. What did these people do for social interaction before the internet? Did they just sit around mailing out letters to pen pals? If someone has such a strong aversion of public places that they are scared of a Tim Hortons, that's probably not someone I'm going to be interested in anyway.

- Those married guys....
This just flat out pisses me off. I make it more than clear that I'm not interested in someone who's married. If they've lied to me up to the point of the coffee-meet... grrrr.

- "I've been hurt before."
A lot of people were hurt in previous relationships. Use it as an opportunity to live and learn, not an excuse to ostracise yourself. If you really believe I'm going to somehow "break your heart" in the process of chit-chatting over a cup of coffee, you're a bit too paranoid and hyper-sensitive for me.

- "I'm not out of the closet about my lifestyle."
Does this mean you also don't go to your local library, grocery store, or mall? Do you truly believe I'm going to stand up in the middle of the coffee shop and shout out "Hey! This person I'm having coffee with is into kinky things! They are meeting me here to discuss the possibility of being a slave!"  If you've gotten the impression I'm that inconsiderate and obnoxious, and totally have no concept of social conduct, why do you continue chatting with me?

- "Danger" propaganda.
Look. It's a public place. I'm not asking you to come to my private dungeon in the basement where the door locks behind you. I'm not asking for us to get a hotel room. I'm not asking to meet in a dark alley at 2:00 in the morning. I'm not asking you to meet me at a desserted loading dock. I didn't ask your lisence plate number, your PIN number or your Mother's maiden name. What I said was "Want to get together at the coffee shop sometime next week?"
I don't know really what the statistics are for people being kidnapped from Starbucks on Tuesday afternoons. I guess I assume that if someone comes in dressed like Hannibal Lector and grabs me and drags me toward the exit screaming, someone *might* call the police? Maybe I put too much faith in the cashier.

For the most part when someone says they don't want to meet for coffee, or they just aren't ready to "take that step", my first thought is "Got Zoloft?"



ladychatterley -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 6:53:08 AM)

In my opinion, people that want to 'chat on-line for three months,' even if they were single, which I doubt, it would all be about a fantasy that we had built up around each other.  The next it good for identifying possiblities, but it sucks for anything beyond that, because, no matter how honest we try to be, we end up presenting only little parts of ourselves.  I have had 'best friend'ships over the net, really intense, dear people that I loved (from vanilla, non-romantic contexts) and when we met, it was beyond awkward because we knew each other's deepest secrets from the safety and anonymity of our laptops.  In my opinion, at least for me, coffee should happen as soon as possible because e-mail/chat is just building in the sand and one good wave will wash everything away.



keme -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 6:56:05 AM)

*giggles* Don't you know what a cup of coffee refers to? ~laughs~ Eddie Izzard say if someone agrees to a cup of coffee you are in there... ~winks~



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 7:34:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful
I can be very outgoing, but there are situations that will cause me to be very shy. Meeting a dominant male for coffee is one of them.

I hate the first meet, and love it at the same time.


[:D] You sound much like the last young lady from here I met. The venue was a busy bar that did food in central London (About half way between us) Busy but quite enough to talk comfortably.

She was VERY nervious so I simply kept exchanging texts with her to keep her calm as she traveled in on the train. Within 5 minutes of arriving her nerves seemed to have mostly gone, we where chatting away merrily and a good evening was had by all. In fact we totaly lost track of time and before we knew it it was time to walk her back to the tube station and say goodbye.

Myself, I don't suffer from those kinds of nerves.



ROFL If it weren't for the pond between us, I'd wonder if it wasn't indeed me. Of course, I'd recall meeting you. No doubt about that! [;)] 

That sounds like exactly the way I react. My stomach says "Turn back, turn back!", but in reality I am always eager to meet new people.

After about 5 minutes I'm a chatterbox, sometimes over-talking from nerves. I find if I'm honest about what's going on with my nerves, most people think it's cute, and that helps.

It doesn't take long before the nerves are completely gone, although the odd thing is, the more attracted I am to the person, the longer it can take the nerves to go away. With my last boyfriend the nerves lasted through the first 3 meetings! There was serious chemistry there. LOL

Cin



MistressSassy66 -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 10:07:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

I try and meet somewhere SSC as soon as possible. You can tell more from five minutes face to face about wether there is any potential than from weeks of emailing..... IMO



I can definitely agree with you on that.

I also understand why some may be shy...perhaps they are nervous about seeing someone they know.
For Me having the meeting place in a discreet area away from their normal stomping grounds works best.



Vendaval -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 4:09:37 PM)

Thank you for that one Proprietrix!  ROFLMAO!!!  [:D]
 
Vendaval

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix
For the most part when someone says they don't want to meet for coffee, or they just aren't ready to "take that step", my first thought is "Got Zoloft?"



slavejali -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 4:20:47 PM)

I don't meet for coffee its just too scary, so what I do is, I pick them up and drive them to my secluded home where the nearest neighbour is like miles away at 3 am in the morning. (Dont laugh that is exactly what I did with Master...tsk tsk yeah I know I know)



Vendaval -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 4:28:13 PM)

I will chat and exchange e-mails for a while, maybe weeks or
months depending on schedules and availability.  Eventually
make a face to face meeting at a cafe' or a restaurant. 
I always bring my own cash and a book.  They have
my cell phone and have a 30 minute limit to show or call if
they get lost.  At the least, I have a drink, maybe a meal and some
quiet reading time.  Maybe a new friendship will start.  Maybe
eventually I will do a Scene will with them.  But first they have
to show up and we have to communicate face to face in person.
If they don't show or call for directions because they got lost, 
then forget about it; because that shows
a complete lack of respect and basic manners.
 
Yours in Leather Pride,
 
Vendaval
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



Vendaval -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 4:39:46 PM)

Well, ya know, I can see how coffee can be scary. Like when the
place is slammed and the barista mixes up your order for a
fat-free-decafe-mocha with the extra-cream-quadruple-shot
one.  That could leave quite a "jolt" in your sleep time.
And most people in the Lifestyle have a hard limit about "jolts".
 
Vendaval   [8D]



zumala -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/11/2006 7:41:19 PM)

I found this to be a very interesting thread.  I haven't gone to meet anyone because most people aren't a good match for what I and my husband are looking for.  About 98% of the messages I receive tell me right off the bat that the author isn't someone I want to meet with.
 
We're both new, and what we're looking for isn't common, so naturally it will take time.  We've met one couple who we talk to regularly on IM and really like.  Problem is, they're in a different state all together.  But that's okay.  It's nice to not be in a hurry.  We are complete in our marriage and can proceed at whatever pace is needed.
 
zuma



Kedikat -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/12/2006 12:19:49 AM)

I actually bring up the idea of meeting face to face quite soon, if there seems to be a spark with real possibilities.
I hate having things get very heated up and expectations built up, online, and then have them crash upon meeting. I prefer to have crashes from lesser heights.
Plus, if she balks at it strongly, it raises My suspicions of why.



LadiesBladewing -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/12/2006 1:25:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie


That said, I've met a number of different men for coffee. It's amazing how many players, wanna-be's, and married men who just want some kinky sex on the side will go out to coffee with a woman! That gets scary in it's own way.



I think the way we phrase things is important. We're talking about coffee, in a public venue, with other people around. The situation noted above may be -uncomfortable-, but in the venue listed, it certainly isn't scary. Even in vanilla dating, there are a lot of married guys, players, and wankers who show up for meet-ups and answer dating ads. Being pen-pals -is- a relationship, but if I'm looking for a person to bring into my life for D/s, pen-pals isn't the relationship I'm looking for. I have foreign-country pen-pals for that (specifically, a couple who help me indulge my fetish for quill-and-ink, and flourish dip-pen correspondence.)

"Scary" connotes something that causes a fear reaction. There shouldn't be anything in a public meeting in a busy venue where no personal information aside from email contact to set up a time and place has been made that someone should be scared about. I think we perceive ourselves as scared because we're meeting a 'kinky' person. If we think about it as just meeting a -person-, with the "kink" stuff taking a back seat to the "meet and interact" stuff, the fear level would go down and we could take an honest look at whether the relationship had any possibility of succeeding.

Go into each meeting with the idea that you're meeting an associate. Once you've decided that you're comfortable associating, you can go into more depth about what -kind- of association you're going to have.

Lady Zephyr



RavenMuse -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/12/2006 1:47:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing
I think the way we phrase things is important. We're talking about coffee, in a public venue, with other people around.


Quite so. If something anout the person doesn't feel right then you are still safe, can walk away at any point and are under no obligation to meet them again.

Fear? In that situation where can fear come into it except from your own pre-conceptions. If you have none, why be afraid?

Shyness I can see, but fear? I'm not wired that way and can't see the reason. I'd rather move to meeting in real life pretty soon, the nature of the net is that anyone can play at being whatever they want to appear as, that isn't imposible to be in real life, but it IS more difficult.



feastie -> RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? (5/12/2006 4:55:01 AM)

I typically prefer to know more about a person than whether he thinks of himself as dominant and that his dog's name is Buddy.  I prefer to have had at least one phone call, and lastly, since I do hold a full-time job, am raising two kids alone and have a fledging business, it REALLY has to meet my scheduling.  If  you email or call me at 2:00 in the afternoon and say, hey, I'm going to be in town today, would you like to meet for a drink about 6:30, I'm going to have to say "I'm sorry."  Why?  Too short of a notice, I have kids to feed and do homework with and I haven't the time to make alternative arrangements for that. 

I once had about...six IM conversations with someone local, and all I knew for certain about him was that he is separated from his wife and that he somehow imagined that in those six converations, he'd been able to excite me to the point that I couldn't stand not meeting him.  Boy, was he wrong...and boy, was he pissed at me because I wasn't ready to fall at his feet. 

I want some good, honest communication, some sharing of interests and ideals before I invest the time for a meet in you.  Not, hey, look, we're local, let's meet.  Of course, that's not always a true method.  The last person I was planning to meet wound up in jail a month before we were scheduled.  Seems he has a drinking problem he forgot to tell me about and refuses to admit.  I think three DWI's sum up to a drinking problem.  Another one I did meet turned out to be a recently released child molestor.  Hey, at least he had the balls to tell me.  I almost met another, (but have since learned it is important to do a background check), when I found his record included assault, sexual misconduct with a minor (2 counts) and robbery.    So, yeah, I'm tinnnnnnny bit gun shy.

At any rate, I think meets should be handled according to the individual and the situation.  Not by a general rule of thumb. 



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