RE: Trying to find a solution

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leadership527 -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:03:04 AM)
I honestly have to agree with ResidentSadist. No sane, single available person would ever get involved in this. But that's not really very helpful, is it? Here's my advice. You are very busy being focused everywhere else but yourself. Honestly, your biggest problems are in your own skin. Can you not see the long, long list of questionable choices which brings you to this post? Even if, as you say, all these other people in the equation are awful human beings, don't you have to wonder about why they're all in your life and not mine? You don't see any issue whatsoever with being in the dead middle of a really nasty divorce and getting collared by a guy in the same position? Really? You don't understand exactly how that sets up the future karmic seeds you'll be writing about next? I'm honestly trying to be helpful here. I don't want to beat you up. I just want you to take a long, objective look in the mirror. I want you to try out the words "personal responsibility" on your tongue. You might say to your reflection in the mirror, "I am responsible for my own life. This mess is my doing." I think that would be a really, really good start. Honestly, at this point if I were you I'd be WAY more worried about trusting myself than I would anyone else.

LaTigresse -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:06:22 AM)
OP..........you are going to get exactly what you deserve. Regardless of what we say.

Hillwilliam -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:07:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rivenfae Ok first.. thanks for the responses, even though I should have expected the outcome before I posted it I decided to put it up. My Master did look it over before I sent it (in case anyone was wondering). Incidentally for the person that thinks I should have gotten a pro bono divorce already due to my abusive husband.. well I did contact a battered woman's shelter and they told me there was not enough info or proof (though ask my son and daughter's shrink and they'd get tons) that it wasn't worth the money to help as they had much worse cases to go after. Silly but true... For the person who commented on me just moving in with him “to pay the bills” I have a -very good- job before I moved in with him, which the initial move into the house him and his wife shared was to protect my kids from their father as he was trying to have sex with them.. (but the assholes (SS or abuse places) won't do shit about it until there is physical proof or you can get the kid's shrink to yank it out of them. Which after 5 years my son's is just starting to do now.... As for when him, his second wife had another woman come to live with them for that woman to be his wife's girlfriend and his sub... it was consensual (not cheating as they both agreed to it). Both of them have told me that is was, but that it went down hill as the 2nd woman after a couple weeks no longer wanted to be with both and only my Master. He had originally wanted to be poly and after spending the 12+ years with his current wife and how she treated him he got the courage to leave her... -and- I have the police report to prove that his wife was abusive. He decided after all that garbage with her that it was worth more to be with one person... seems he has trouble learning to do that and I wanted help to gain the patience to work through it with him. Sad thing here is : #1 you cannot possibly give anyone in a forum enough information to give a response that's truly based on what has been experienced unless you write a book... #2 I was told by many people that this site was not the best to ask any question of... and I am seeing why However, I'd still like to thank everyone who posted a response.. after all the responses were based on the information you had... and at least one of you looked at our profile and thank you for that. Just because you get an answer you don't like doesn't make it any less valid.

GreedyTop -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:08:42 AM)
LaT.. I dont know if I agree with "what (the OP) desrves" (I'm not ruling that out) as much as what she has asked for... in not so many words... edited: damned fat fingers

LaTigresse -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:11:39 AM)
Greedy I understand what you are saying........deserves is a rather fluid, and maybe misleading, word to use in this instance and perhaps not exactly the right one. 'Asked for' might be closer to what was in my head when I wrote it.

GreedyTop -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:12:54 AM)
:) How're Mo and the rest of the "kids"?

LaTigresse -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:16:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop :) How're Mo and the rest of the "kids"? Excellent, although Nala is being a brat about tearing up fence and escaping all of the sudden. Fortunately she stuck around after she escaped yesterday and didn't get out on the highway. (as far as I know...) This weekend......we are going electric! ZAP!!!!!!!!!

GreedyTop -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:24:14 AM)
oohhh... LaT likes electro play!! grins I'm glad she's ok :)

kalikshama -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:25:05 AM)
quote: #2 I was told by many people that this site was not the best to ask any question of... and I am seeing why I'm a little confused why you wouldn't ask these people for advice rather than strangers who do not know your background, but whatever. Anyway, sounds like he has a sex and internet addiction. I would either accept that he will be cybersexing or move on. He's clearly not suited for monogamy.

LaTigresse -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:28:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama quote: #2 I was told by many people that this site was not the best to ask any question of... and I am seeing why I'm a little confused why you wouldn't ask these people for advice rather than strangers who do not know your background, but whatever. Anyway, sounds like he has a sex and internet addiction. I would either accept that he will be cybersexing or move on. He's clearly not suited for monogamy. Shit, I didn't see that. Whiny and full of high drama dumbassery. Greedy, I am sticking with 'deserves'.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:29:28 AM)
OP, he is deceiving you. One should never put up with deceit. Get some self-esteem, and focus on being a good example for your FOUR KIDS, and enjoying their company, and helping them grow up to NOT be drama queens. There is a point of diminishing returns, and when you reach it and go past it without realizing it- after that you're wasting time. So stop. Leave it. Any time you waste, you won't get back. Stay alone with your kids and any non-drama platonic friends populating your life, while you pump up your flagging self-esteem. Then, when you are ready to seek a relationship again: Turn your jerk detector dial to the "on" position. Make sure you insist on a reciprocal relationship: one in which you get as much as you give.

GreedyTop -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 9:29:51 AM)
harsh, woman... just harsh..LOL

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 10:10:28 AM)
This: quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 I honestly have to agree with ResidentSadist. No sane, single available person would ever get involved in this. But that's not really very helpful, is it? Here's my advice. You are very busy being focused everywhere else but yourself. Honestly, your biggest problems are in your own skin. Can you not see the long, long list of questionable choices which brings you to this post? Even if, as you say, all these other people in the equation are awful human beings, don't you have to wonder about why they're all in your life and not mine? You don't see any issue whatsoever with being in the dead middle of a really nasty divorce and getting collared by a guy in the same position? Really? You don't understand exactly how that sets up the future karmic seeds you'll be writing about next? I'm honestly trying to be helpful here. I don't want to beat you up. I just want you to take a long, objective look in the mirror. I want you to try out the words "personal responsibility" on your tongue. You might say to your reflection in the mirror, "I am responsible for my own life. This mess is my doing." I think that would be a really, really good start. Honestly, at this point if I were you I'd be WAY more worried about trusting myself than I would anyone else. (Ty for typing it out for me !!)

LadyPact -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 10:56:12 AM)
OP, this is kind of a mess. I broke it down to: "Man has excuse for cheating and therefore cheats." "Man has another excuse for cheating and therefore cheats again." "Woman is worried that man will have a reason to cheat and will cheat on her." You're asking for a guarantee that nobody can give you. The guy has said during various situations in his life that he'll cheat. That has been in retaliation, supposedly in response to the way he was treated, and other things. Is that a good track record? My opinion is no. The fact that you want to trust him even though his past behavior with other women couldn't prove his character is a choice of your own. It's not one that I would make, so I can't help you with that part. What I will tell you is the number that you're going with about being abused so you had to move in with him to protect yourself and your children doesn't sit with Me. I did look to see where you are from and I'll fully admit that I don't know how the laws work in your state. In several states, you can be admitted to a battered woman's shelter with very little proof of your circumstances. You don't necessarily have to have a police report, a history of hospitalizations, or anything else. While most places don't especially take your divorce proceedings in a pro bono fashion, you can absolutely get a TRO (temporary restraining order) without too much hassle until going to court to get your permanent one. Generally, you don't have to have much as far as concrete evidence to take the first step. For the permanent one, you can call that therapist as a witness and that's generally enough to get a judge to grant your permanent order of protection, including supervised visitation during the divorce proceedings. Frankly, if you needed to get away from your husband, there were better ways to do that than move in with the people that you jumped into living with. Time is going to tell if you've made a mistake in doing so. I have a feeling that you are going to have regrets at some point in the future. You went from not trusting one man in your old situation and now you don't have trust in the person you live with, either. Do you really want a dynamic like that?

DesFIP -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 12:08:10 PM)
Putting aside what you did and to whom and when, which is all making my head spin. You left the state where your children were in therapy leaving them without a therapist. Get a job, get them help stat. As far as you and the bf. Couples therapy as well as individual therapy. You both have so many issues that there is not way to fix the relationship until you've fixed yourselves.

Arpig -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 12:20:26 PM)
Another esponse you won't like. You're cheating on your husband with a guy who's cheating on his wife and your upset because he's having cyber with some chick behind your back. Have I got it? Here's the answer. To fucking bad for you. He's a cheater and will never change, you're a cheater and deserve no better than what you're getting. You both made promises you aren't keeping, so clearly neither of you can be trusted.

peppermint -> RE: Trying to find a solution (5/5/2011 12:43:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rivenfae #2 I was told by many people that this site was not the best to ask any question of... and I am seeing why You give us a scenario that would be hard to believe in the wildest soap opera plot and you want us to figure out how to keep some guy who has a history of cheating from cheating. My advice is to stay away from any man until you get your life and your children's lives straightened out. You have much to much to deal with when it comes to children to complicate your life with a man you don't trust to not cheat on you. When you have your own life together, then is the time to consider adding a man into it. However, the man you choose should add to your life and your children's lives, not complicate things with infidelities and wives.

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