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help with depression - 5/4/2011 7:43:23 PM

chiaroscuro1

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The woman that I'm in love with has depression. I need help with things I can do to help her without adding to her depression. She withdraws from me during those times. I don't take it personally at all. I just want to help her to be happy. Advice please on the best ways to be supportive. I'm not looking for advice on meds and therapy. I'm looking for advice on things that I can do to help along with meds and therapy.

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RE: help with depression - 5/4/2011 7:47:20 PM

littlelearner

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Try to let her express and be herself.

(in reply to chiaroscuro1)

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RE: help with depression - 5/4/2011 7:50:12 PM

pahunkboy

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She might not be ready for a relationship.

Is she doing anything to help herself?

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RE: help with depression - 5/4/2011 9:12:23 PM

Aylee

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Have her go to her doctor and get some anti-depressents. Therapy is a good idea as well.

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RE: help with depression - 5/4/2011 9:43:34 PM

TheHeretic

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Have you tried giving her a severe flogging? The kind that leave bruises and abrasions seem to work best.

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RE: help with depression - 5/4/2011 9:53:59 PM

hlen5

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Check this article out.

http://english.pravda.ru/health/26-03-2005/7950-whipping-0/

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RE: help with depression - 5/4/2011 9:57:58 PM

hausboy

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Let her know you much you care. That to me is paramount.

Encourage her to find outlets--like drawing, painting, poetry, writing, journaling, scrapbooking--anything that might help her express what's inside of her...externally. I know that when I was in the depths of depression, things that once brought me joy no longer did....but I still somehow looked forward to doing things that helped me find a quiet place inside--like hiking, camping, swimming, music.

Physical activity (exercising) increases melatonin and can aide with depression--obviously not "cure" it--but it can help. A healthy diet (as opposed to high fat/junk foods) can also help with some of the "brain chemistry". No replacement for some people who may require extensive therapy and medications, but it can't hurt either.

She also might benefit from a support group--if she has depression related to something specific--abuse, death of a loved one, etc. there are specialized groups out there that might help her heal.

Lastly- if she does not feel like she is making any progress over time with her therapist, she can always consider finding someone who is a better fit.
Good luck to both of you--depression is a terrible, difficult disease and those who have never experienced it first hand often have no understanding of how debilitating and physically painful it can be.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

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RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 1:56:04 AM

Termyn8or

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This is to chiaro.

To be LOVED. To be WANTED. To be NEEDED. This is what a depressed person lacks.

No matter how much they are, they don't get it. They don't feel it. I speak from a unique perspective because I have absolutely no lust for life anymore. Really, I live for my family and chosen family. This is the only thing that has stopped me from taking my .38 to my mouth and trying it out there. (I have shot it, it works). I can't leave them.

I don't reveal this much, but the fact is if you are alone, who cares if you live or die ? Well depressed people need to know this, they need to embrace this. They need to "feel" it. If someone were to point a gun at me I would say "You gonna use that thing or is this fucking show and tell ? ". At least it would not be by ny own hand. Believe me, that is the only thing that keeps me alive.

Now understand this - DEPRESSION IS NORMAL. The problem is not letting it get to you. A depressed person does not yet have that skill. Look at life. Every fucking day things get worse. Killings, war, no way out and no solution. That is incredible stress which we all bear. Depression is actually in my opinion a sign of intelligence. A sign that one knows that all is not as it seems and everything is not hunky dory. there are only two combatants against this.

One of course is committment to others. That is why you need her. The other is that she was born into a shitty time period in history, and she has no right to up and leave, whether by self destruction or alienation. She has a duty to live her life. I don't care if she believes in God, Allah, YHWH, Buddah, or Spongebob Squarepants. Or nothing. That life exists and is not to be wasted. It is not to be wasted at a bridge abutment nor a wallow of self pity.

This is what she must understand. Wasting a life being miserable is just as bad as suicide. I have looked death straight in the eye twice in earlier years. Each time I said no. I won't bother death again, I'll wait.

The problem is that life really does suck. There are things going on in the world that are very very bad, and have common roots with those of humanity, if you can call it that. But there isn't a damn thing we can do about it and that is by far the worst form of torture, to see this all going on and if you don't delude yourself, you know it is going to happen anyway.

Getting this across is not easy. Nobody could do it for me, but I am super stubborn. This may sound crazy, but maybe burn one with her. But don't turn on the tunes, don't put a movie on, don't go for a ride, just sit there. COMMUNICATE. If you can do that and you really love her, your odds are not all that bad. Just get totally relaxed. It doesn't take weed or SSRIs or anything to do this. It doesn't take a big fine car, or a boat. Rich peiople get depressed too, so the financial situation is not cause for depression. Nothing is. You can't do anything about what others do. Let them do it. Do what you want to do. Make sure she does what she wants to do. It's not Disneyland. No amount of money, no amount of anything can fix this. YOU can't fix this. You must help her to fix this herself.

Details beget detils. That is if you can get any kind of handle on why she is depressed that would help. It's not the end all beat all of it, but it provides a viable target for now, for the first round.

I think we agree that we would rather see the dead in the ground rather than walking around. Which is miserable ? What happened to make her depressed ? Do you know ? Will she tell ? Don't push too hard. But each of us gets one life. Waste it one way or another.

And above all, make her laugh.

Check you mail if it is open.

T^T

ETA, it ain't. Mail me so I can respond and I got this joke that is so stupid, it's just..... whatever. One small victory, one small chuckle.

< Message edited by Termyn8or -- 5/5/2011 1:59:19 AM >

(in reply to chiaroscuro1)

Post #: 8

RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:16:25 AM

pahunkboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

Have her go to her doctor and get some anti-depressents. Therapy is a good idea as well.

No SSRIS. The are too addicting.

(in reply to Aylee)

Post #: 9

RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:19:55 AM

gothikbutterfly

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Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, an embrace to wrap her in, a tender caress to let her know its all right. Help her focus her feelings on something other than her depression. I know that when I suffer from severe bouts of depression, these things are what help me the most.

LR

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RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:22:54 AM

GreedyTop

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~FR~

knowing that I was loved, wanted etc is NOT a cure (or even much of a help) when I am in the throes of depression. At those times, I do not feel worthy of the love/wanting/etc.

At those times, the only viable help is therapy and meds.

and Hunky/.. you need to accpet that not everyone is as paranoid as you and MANY folks have positive responses to the meds despite what you believe.

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RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:36:25 AM

Termyn8or

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GT, sorry but we disagree here.

I can understand a diabetic or someone with nephratic or coronary problems being dependent on "medicine", but unless someone is really screwed up, NO.

If we don't stop this downward spiral, there will be a pill for when you get a flat tire. I won't go farther right now on this because I don't want to insult anyone. If being loved and needed isn't enough, that is childish, and instead of nurture it's time for nature. Out on the ice, see how you like it there.

T^T

(in reply to GreedyTop)

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RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:40:25 AM

pahunkboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

~FR~

knowing that I was loved, wanted etc is NOT a cure (or even much of a help) when I am in the throes of depression. At those times, I do not feel worthy of the love/wanting/etc.

At those times, the only viable help is therapy and meds.

and Hunky/.. you need to accpet that not everyone is as paranoid as you and MANY folks have positive responses to the meds despite what you believe.

I have been on SSRIs for 10 years... and tried to get off of them 5 times.

They are highly addicting. They would have been useful to me for 6 months... but at some point- they permanently altered the chemicals in my brain. They should not be eaten like candy.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 13

RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:42:46 AM

GreedyTop

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Termy.. I dont take much of anything medicinal, because I firmly believ that that more drugs ya take the more immune you become (antibiotics etc)

HOWEVER, that being said, I truly believe that the anti-depressants I have been prescribed over the years have been more of a help than a hindrance. I don't take them 365 a year for multiple years (and god knows I am not knocking those that DO), but the occasional kickstart from those same meds has helped me to live past the age of 18... or 21..or 25// or 30.. etc.

Until you have walked in my shoes..

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RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:56:20 AM

Charnegui

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I agree on your first statement Greedy....
Everything we swallow prevents our immunesystem of doing the job itselves!!

The only way to get rid of an depression (or whatever you'd like to call it) is finding your true self and love it, like it and when you're looking in the mirror to be satisfied with what you see.

Suprising is it, how many people are looking in the mirror, but avoid to look into their own eyes.
I can nowadays, but I do love and like myself, although I still have some off-days too.

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RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 6:58:29 AM

samboct

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Chiaroscuro

As someone who's tangled with this disease most of his adult life- let me give you a few thoughts.

1) Don't try and be a shrink. Don't play games- be very straightforward. Its OK to share what you're thinking and observations. When you decide you need to withhold information because you want the person to discover it herself- you're transgressing into shrink territory. In short- observations are fine- trying to get the person to act on your observations- not so fine.

2) There can be a healing power in a good love affair that beats meds and therapy.

3) Be prepared to take the lead and propose stuff. You need to be a bit of a cheerleader. Don't ask her if she feels up for something- the default response when depressed is no. Instead, try things like- "It's a nice day out- I'm going for a bike ride- want to come?" Don't be afraid to nudzhe a little. Depressed people have a high potential energy barrier to getting out and enjoying themselves. They need help getting up the initial hill, but once on the other side- they can get rolling and do fine.

4) Don't constantly ask if they're having a good time. Smiles work better than words often- as does touch.

5) One of the important things to licking a depression is to make the person do things-even doing something less than ideal is better than doing nothing. Sitting in front of the TV is bad- reading is somewhat better, but getting out and exercising is good.

6) Try and make the person stay on a reasonable sleep and meals schedule.

7) Sex is not a bad idea- even if its only giving her a massage and kissing. Reiterating- tell her you'd like to give her a massage- don't ask if she wants one. If she says no- tell her it will make you feel better-it's something you want to do for yourself. Depressed people tend to want to be left alone- which of course is often the worse thing to do. No talk about orgasms or great sex- that comes when the depression lifts.

8) And although you didn't want therapy or meds advice- I still like talk therapy over meds for most folks. You do need a skilled therapist however.

Sam

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 16

RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 7:41:40 AM

Termyn8or

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"HOWEVER, that being said, I truly believe.... "

Thank you for not taking offense as none was intended, some do. Maybe you have a better grip on things than most. But what I said is true. I have been very close twice, and I said no. Nobody offered me any drugs, in fact nobody even knew. There was no "cry for help".

My ways come from my background, and as bad as some of it was, there was some good. I strive to share that indepenence with others. Maybe I can't, and I'm just whistling in the wind, but I can't stop. Or at least I won't because I think I am right.

I don't know quite how to explain myself. I am searching for a metaphor here and it's just not happening. It's a matter of pressure, reaction, endurance and power. This is difficult to express on a personal level.

I think sam is onto something here (below, well above now). You don't ask and coddle all the time. "Are you feeling OK, do you want to go home ? ". Screw that. it's more like "Let's go", and don't take no for an answer. Even that's tricky because if they hate it, it's even worse. You have to know them.

And that may be the problem, that people don't really know each other. After a time some can't get to know anyone. How many people don't really even know their own Parents ? Siblings ?

Some of us are alone in a crowd, I used to be. All in all everyone was just another brick in the wall. It takes strength to break down the wall and we have it, we just need a reason to use it. Disolving the wall may work, but it's not better, not by any means. And what did people do a hundred years ago ? Times were not easy then. People were just as screwed up. There were ten year old rape victims, people beaten half to death, in fact to death by their "loved" ones. The human condition has not gotten all that worse.

It has not gotten better either, but at least in the old days, those who survived came out of it strong. Now everything is easy. Soon there will be a pill if your car air conditioning goes on the fritz.

Anyone disagrees that's fine. Kick my ass over it as well, but I will not stop until the day I die. What I believe I believe very firmly, through personal experience and observation.

Be well, everyone.

T^T

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 17

RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 8:04:47 AM

Termyn8or

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Damn good sam.

"1) Don't try and be a shrink."

Absolutely. They play a game that is designed to get one to reveal their innermost secrets. Most people are not ready for that and that's why it doesn't usually work. And if it does the person may feel RAPED afterwards. Maybe you understand.

"good love affair that beats meds and therapy"

The desire for anyting creates the desire to live. Note the word "live" instead of "exist".

"the default response when depressed is no"

I hate it when people say "come on". But sometimes that's exactly what is needed.

"4) Don't constantly ask if they're having a good time. Smiles work better than words often- as does touch."

I have nothing to add there.

"getting out and exercising is good. "

That can be a walk in the park, literally.

"sleep and meals schedule"

If you're in a relationship you're in a unique position to do just that. It's not "Do you want to eat" it's "What do you want to eat". Sleeping ? Not a wink :-)

"massage- don't ask if she wants one"

Yes, I do believe peole are allowed to touch each other sometimes.

"do need a skilled therapist however. "

He needs to become one. That is why he asked here.

It is up to us to help ourselves and each other. If we have some learning to do, do it. Do we have a responsibility as humans or not ? Do we at least try or do we go running for the shelter of our Mother's little helper at every turn ?

Some people do need more help, this world is crazy and it sucks. But we can't just stop trying to help ourselves and each other.

T^T

(in reply to samboct)

Post #: 18

RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 8:16:13 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I just love how the anti therapy crowd tries to paint therapy / therapists as bad

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RE: help with depression - 5/5/2011 8:20:13 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or
If we don't stop this downward spiral, there will be a pill for when you get a flat tire.

Fuck me! Are they working on an anti-flat tyre pill?

Can I sign up for the trials?

I mean, if the side effects are acceptable, why the fuck not take an anti-flat tyre pill. That would fucking rock

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