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Visiting mom - help! - 10/9/2004 8:03:01 PM

LadyShoshin

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Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
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haven't seen my 90 yr old mom in years, my sister is her care giver and after 13 years needs a break, mom is slipping into dementia & is getting paranoid, my brother used to be able to talk sense to her, but she feels he is in on it.

My sister & brother adore my mom, since they are more than 3000 miles away I have told them I belong to a group of survivors of any kind of abuse. That way I can mention friends, tell her about going to restaurants & parties with them.

Being Domme, I don't have bruises to worry about, but not only am I a Domme, I am a shamanic Wiccan. My mom is a bible thumper.
I know I will be under pressure to go back to work (I am on indefinate stress leave) and to come back to Jesus. Mom always was a passive aggressive manipulator who couldn't accept people not doing what she dictated. I don't want to cause an upset, but I am not going to bow to her wishes & betray who & what I am because my mother says so.(I am 55) I am wondering how I am going to make it through the 2 weeks without blurting out that I am a shamanic Wiccan Dominatrix & I beat men for fun & profit. I have to pretend to be vanilla and that will be the most difficult role play of all.

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/9/2004 8:32:31 PM

msjingles

Posts: 27
Joined: 10/9/2004
From: Idaho
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Lady Shoshin,

Perhaps your mom won't notice if she truly is slipping into dementia? sometimes when they are like that, no matter what you do seems strange to them anyway.
Also, since you haven't seen her in years, maybe she has grown more tolerant and accepting? I know my grandmother did and I notice that in other older folks I know as well.

She might surprise you!

It is hard to do at times but, don't trouble trouble til it troubles you ;) You might just enjoy one another and get to spend some good quality time.

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/9/2004 8:49:25 PM

smile2cu

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/21/2004
From: Dayton, OH
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Probably best to pretend to be vanilla if you can. Feel free to lean on us from time to time and scream.

My mother-in-law is 93 and very gradually degenerating mentally. I just try to say uh-huh to most of what she says and change the subject if she says something I absolutely can't abide. Works better than I expected it would.

Again, we're here for you. Please don't feel you're alone through this.

Good luck!

~smile~

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/9/2004 11:02:12 PM

perverseangelic

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Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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This sounds a -lot- like my family situation, except my parents are younger, and still of sound mind.

I avoid family situations when I can, but when I can't do that anymore I have a few strategies.

First, I pick my issues. I decide which things I will hate myself if I deny, and make those the ones I keep. I would hate myself if I participated in any type of gaybashing, or relgious bashing of others, or if I let such things go on around me. So I speak up when I hear overtly offensive things said. However, I moderate -how- I speak up.

I don't deny my religion (kitchen witch) but I don't go out of my way to mention it. I am respectful during prayers and smile and nod at references to why I don't go to church. I don't deny my sexuality (bisexual) but I try to avoid questions that I'd have to lie to answer. I say nothing at all about my sexual practices, because they frankly aren't my parents/relatives business.

This is -really- hard for me, as I am out and open about my choices in all elements of my public life. With my family, I don't keep quiet out of some respect for them. Rather, I keep quiet out of self-protection. I choose not to open myself to potentially damaging situations.

I dunno if that means anything at all to anyone else, but I've found that picking what I have to stand up for helps some. Not always, as my partner can attest to, but some.

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/10/2004 8:02:35 AM

jillwfsub4blkdom

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smile and perverse,
great advice! i also have learned to pick my battles with my parents. Some of it just isn't worth it. As they age, they also seem to get more cantankerous. Nodding your head and acting as if you agree works great!! If it gets too stressful, just walk away for a few minutes until you can compose yourself too.

jill

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/10/2004 8:32:23 AM

Suleiman

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Do what pagans have done since the missionaries first began to explain their position. Stick a cross or crucifix on your wall and call it a "Lares Domestici". In either form, it essentially represents a man on a cross achieving enlightenment after a thorough beating, blood play, and penetration! Just because you don't believe all the hype his followers put into it dosen't mean you can't respect him in your own way, and I've found it does wonders for quelling religious arguments to give a nod to the graven image if not the holy scripture (just don't explain your particular... interpretation... of the iconography, or you're in for a world of guilt and prayer. Loud, long, continuous, droning prayer. Thank Bast my wife is a lapsed catholic and dosen't mind my views. For that matter, thank all the powers that the religious branch of my family lives far away and never speaks to me)

Okay... I'm probably gonna get flamed now, but what the heck...

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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/10/2004 10:45:33 AM

dixiedumpling

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Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
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I never had the kind of relationship with my parents that you could talk about anything that meant anything. I can't imagine telling a parent what I enjoy about a man spanking me. Geez, if they weren't already dead, that would sure do them in!

My mother died last December from aspirated pneumonia. She had been in the nursing home and was unable to do one thing for herself, including ladling food to her mouth. Before she went to the nursing home, she lived with my brother and his wife, who did most of the caregiving. I spent a week with her while they attended a funeral out of state. It was a most trying experience. She'd be fine and lucid and then take a nap. When she woke up, she'd be crazy as a bedbug and full of crazy talk. She was convinced that she wasn't home, that a cousin of ours had inherited all the property and we were all sharing a house with him. Taking her to the front door to look out at the barn and garage did little to convince her otherwise. Even though the inclination is to set people straight, it's best not to argue. Even if they ask what time it is 100 times, shouting won't make it sink in any better. It's a very hard job to take care of the dementia afflicted parent. I have utmost respect for caregivers.

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/10/2004 1:34:01 PM

happypervert

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From: Scranton, PA
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My only advice is that you don't take any gags with you because the temptation may be too great to use them.

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RE: Visiting mom - help! - 10/10/2004 10:15:33 PM

Suleiman

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I'm sorry, I think I misinterpreted your post earlier (forgive me, my sleep schedule has been off, so my mental faculties are not quite what they could be). If you are going to see them, as I now interpret your original message to mean, then you have my sympathy. Just remember that you are a proud and dominant woman, capable of controlling yourself as easily as any of your playmates. You choose the grief you experience and when you experience it. I find that sort of attitude does wonders for me the few times I have to visit family.

~S

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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