new Dom looking for advice (Full Version)

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Hutchables -> new Dom looking for advice (5/5/2011 8:35:20 AM)

hi everyone, just thought id ask on here for some tips and advice, im new to all this and wishing to explore my Dominant side, my job involves alot of confidence and self belief but i finding it hard to understand more about the Dominant in me, hope to hear from you and any helpful advice would be much appreciated,

Andy



kalikshama -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/5/2011 8:38:55 AM)

Hi Andy,

Try reading "The Loving Dominant" or any of the related books on Amazon. Also google "BDSM munches + [your city]". Munches and demos are a great way to network and learn things.

Welcome!

KK



leadership527 -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/5/2011 9:19:11 AM)

Start right out with defining clearly what you mean by "dominant". Are we talking about "assertive and creative in the bedroom" or something else? Like anything, you need to be able to clearly define both your present condition and your desired future state before you can reasonably get from here to there.



myotherself -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/5/2011 11:08:43 AM)

Hi Andy,

if you're anywhere near Leeds then there is a thriving kink 'scene' going on there. I've been there a few times myself and the munch is very well attended and very friendly, and there are all sorts of clubs too that you can find out more about through the munch people.

If you want to drop me a message (look under my avatar pic and choose the PM option) then I'd be more than happy to put you in touch with the Leeds locals.




Focus50 -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/5/2011 2:52:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Hutchables

hi everyone, just thought id ask on here for some tips and advice, im new to all this and wishing to explore my Dominant side, my job involves alot of confidence and self belief but i finding it hard to understand more about the Dominant in me, hope to hear from you and any helpful advice would be much appreciated,


First thing to consider is whether you think your job is the reason you even have a Dominant side. The armed forces (for eg) makes for submissive utopia. You think they could be functional or successful warrior types if they lacked confidence and self belief? And some of the submissive women I've owned held managerial/supervisory positions as their job.

I'm saying all this because you're "finding it hard to understand more about the Dominant in me (you)". That there may not necessarily be one.... The relevant clues aren't found in your profession but the nature of your personal relationships and what you desire in a complementing partner.

The (rhetorical) question comes from being honest with yourself; that if you do have a burning need to lead and take charge of your partner, then you really shouldn't have so much difficulty understanding the Dominant within. Certainly not in this age of the "information highway".

I always knew what I needed in a (submissive) partner but generally found frustration in modern society's "sexual equality" hype projecting into personal lives. Hell, even had girlfriends accuse me of being some sorta control freak. *gasp* Turns out all I had was the wrong type of g/f's....

Focus.



Bertandlaerie -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/5/2011 3:07:57 PM)

Most importantly, make sure you enjoy the journey. As leadership said, the first thing you need to do is decide how you see (or want to see) yourself as dominant. Answering that question should give you a starting point, but do not be surprised if that original goal is not where you end up. For instance, when 'laerie first brought up the idea of exploring D/s within our relationship, it was in the bedroom only. Now, six short months later, we've transitioned to a 24/7 D/s relationship that is much less focused on kink than either of us originally anticipated.
To get back to the point though, focus on self-awareness and don't let anyone dissuade you from that. I suggest reading the threads on these boards, if nothing else you'll encounter incredibly varied perspectives on dominance, and just about everything else. To fill in the gaps, well that all depends on how you learn. If you learn by doing, go to munches and meet people. If you learn by reading, there are numerous helpful books out there. As kalikshama said, the Loving Dominant is a great place to start reading.



IrishMist -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/5/2011 5:35:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Hi Andy,

Try reading "The Loving Dominant" or any of the related books on Amazon. Also google "BDSM munches + [your city]". Munches and demos are a great way to network and learn things.

Welcome!

KK

This



EclipseAbove -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/6/2011 6:14:58 AM)

Dominance is about control. Before you can successfully control someone or something else, you need to be able to control yourself. You also need to understand how much or little you can influence the things you can't control. Exploring those will help you be a better dominant.

And what everyone else said...



MasterSwain -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/13/2011 3:24:03 PM)

I have found, as well, the most important thing is to define your dominance. For me, dominance is about giving and taking pleasure - but mainly the giving of it. My dominance is most enjoyable to me when I am being sadistic towards an individual who enjoys masochism. I am not terribly interested in telling someone how to live their life, but I am more then willing to lead them to the right conclusions. As you can probably gather, as time goes on, the definition becomes more precise and more nuanced.

And Welcome!



LadyPact -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/13/2011 3:42:07 PM)

What did you do during the last two years?  You were "new" two years ago when you created the account.  In what ways did you take charge of your interests since then?

Most Dominants that I know, male or female, take an active approach to what they want.



ThundersCry -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/13/2011 6:19:09 PM)

Get invloved with your local community...

<see`s the Lady Pact waves>



ThundersCry -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/13/2011 6:24:03 PM)

and IMO...your job means diddly squat rather you are a dom or whatever...
we all had a job at one point or another...



Redoubt -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/22/2011 2:56:55 PM)

Hi Andy.

First off, kudos for asking for help.

If you are wanting to assume a dominant role, then you should be aware that its not just all about laying back and getting blow jobs. (dammit)

There is literally a ton of information here on the net for free that will help you figure a lot of the basics out. The rest involves having someone trust you to do bad things to them (consensually of course).

However the first and biggest step is getting your own shit together. Until then, don't kid yourself... you are not fit to dominate anyone. But asking for help is one good sign that you may understand that... I wish you much luck. Just read read read read read read and read, and although it may seem to be more fun to play with an s-type... read some more first.

*smiles*

Good luck!



aromanholiday -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/22/2011 7:34:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redoubt

If you are wanting to assume a dominant role, then you should be aware that its not just all about laying back and getting blow jobs. (dammit)



It isn't? Are you sure?

(looks back over last 20 years of my life)

Shoot, taken in again! [sm=sad.gif]



HeatherMcLeather -> RE: new Dom looking for advice (5/22/2011 9:16:13 PM)

A firefighter?
Everybody loves a firefighter!
Totally off topic, but thanks for doing what you do.

Sorry, I'm a newbie slave, I have no useful advice for you whatsoever, other than to say to take good care of your toys, animate and inanimate.

Good luck and I hope you have lots of fun along the way.



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