Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (Full Version)

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ParappaTheDapper -> Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 12:37:57 PM)

It strikes me that a surprising number of subs (male and female, but almost always straight) I've spoken to present a list of qualities they are looking for in their perfect Dominant that make it sound like they're looking for someone to help them piece together the long gone order of a wrecked life. On the Other Side of CM (the journal entries) the number of "Dear internet my life is a goddamn mess I can haz it fix plz?" posts is even more staggering.

I've never really wanted a guru, personally but for those of you who do look for leadership qualities and all that (and there's nothing wrong with that at all, some people crave that jive) do you ever stop and evaluate whether you've reached the point at which you're really looking for a life coach more than a Dominant?



littlewonder -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 1:59:21 PM)

for me he is my dominant, partner, guru, mentor, owner, person i look up to and highly respect. why does it have to be one or the other? he is all things to and for me.



ParappaTheDapper -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 2:08:21 PM)

That is so sweet!



Focus50 -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 3:11:52 PM)

If I reduce my submissive to nothing more than compliant fuck & flog meat, then yeah, I understand your surprise.

I find the opposite surprising; the number of doms who think a life partner and a fem/sub hasta be two different people.

Along with littlewonder's list, I'd add friend, companion, confidante etc. In other words, a complete relationship - a wheel of many spokes but tied together by a common D/s hub.

Focus.



sexyred1 -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 3:39:14 PM)

No. I handle my own life.

However, if you have ever been in a fulfilling relationship of any sort, you may find that your partner can offer advice and guidance on any number of topics, either asked or unbidden.

And having a supportive partner is really what most of us are seeking, at least I am. But I would never look to be "rescued"; no one can solve anything for me, other than me, however having a nice strong shoulder to lean on would be lovely these days.



leadership527 -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 3:40:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
for me he is my dominant, partner, guru, mentor, owner, person i look up to and highly respect. why does it have to be one or the other? he is all things to and for me.

*nods* this would be Carol's answer too. In the end, I'm just the guy in her life who she trusts, respects, admires and who happens to nurture her. All the rest flows from there.



angelikaJ -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 4:09:48 PM)

I think that there are people in all permutations of relationships: D/s; vanilla -- who view themselves as fixer-upper specials and want a white knight (or Goddess) to swoop in and fix them or who view BDSM as some kind of therapy.

They don't see happiness as being an inside job, and often tend to get into fast trouble with issues such as self-esteem and insecurities. They aren't new issues, they are the same ones that somehow the relationship were supposed to fix.
What happens when the Saviour can't save [us]?
Often [we] see it as their fault.

I have a Master who is Everything to me.
He does not fix me, however.

There are often issues and/or situations that we will work together on, but there is a big difference between fixing and helping.

I am not a "broken toy".



lizi -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 4:12:07 PM)

I've seen submissives that seem to need a lot of help getting their act together. For myself, I couldn't look to someone else to fix me - I need to do that. My attitude is that i am more valuable as property if I am a competent partner. I actually find it very unattractive if you can't take responsibility for yourself, having your life be a mess falls under that umbrella.

Maybe the white knight/damsel in distress syndrome works in the type of scenario mentioned in the OP. I can only say if it floats your boat great, that it doesn't do a thing for me. I like to think I"m inspired by my man to do my best, but I don't have to have him live my life for me so that it is productive. I do love to ask for advice and to figure things out with him when I'm stuck. If I didnt feel that he had valuable input for me to learn from then I couldn't be with him.



aromanholiday -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 6:20:34 PM)

I seek a devourer. Like a candle, I was made for fire. I want to burn myself up completely for someone.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 6:21:56 PM)

I know some arsonists...

Really? Do you really want to burn yourself up to nothing? If it makes you happy, that's great, but it just seems so one-sided and empty. *shrug.

sunshine



DesFIP -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 7:37:03 PM)

Lover, best friend, companion, confidante, partner, and so on and so on. He has my best interests at heart as I do his. Of course we offer each other help in becoming the best we can be.



NuevaVida -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 9:10:31 PM)

I've seen what the OP speaks of - many times.  And if those folks find their gurus and everyone is happy, more power to 'em.

For myself, nah, in fact I found it difficult at times, to acquiesce to his leadership in some areas of my life, because I was pretty comfortable with the way I was running it when I met him. 

To touch on aromanholiday's comment, I did feel that way with my ex, so I understand that sentiment.  He took me up on it and left a pile of ashes. I look back on those days with intrigue.  Now, rather than burning up, I want to rise like the sun and shine so bright it's blinding.  Serving the Mister is allowing me to do that. 

He's not a guru.  I can't really find the words to describe what he is.  Awesome comes to mind.



BurntKitty -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 9:15:59 PM)

I'll add: sports fan to watch the playoffs with!



aromanholiday -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/6/2011 9:35:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida 

To touch on aromanholiday's comment, I did feel that way with my ex, so I understand that sentiment.  He took me up on it and left a pile of ashes. I look back on those days with intrigue.  Now, rather than burning up, I want to rise like the sun and shine so bright it's blinding.  Serving the Mister is allowing me to do that. 


You are aware, I hope, that not everybody is like your ex? And that this is a very good thing? [;)] Truly, from what I have read of you, he he sounds like he was no good for anyone, even himself. I've actually met fire before, without those sputtering defects, and I'll meet it again, of that I have not doubt.

Your current man reminds me strongly of my "ex" (if you can call him that). Over those long years, I learned many lessons from him, some happy; some sad.



uncertainlyizzy -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/7/2011 4:06:23 AM)

Some people aren't looking for someone to "fix" them. They're looking for someone to hold their hand and support them while they "fix" themselves. And then there are some things that just plain can't be "fixed". Most people are more successful in growth and change when they have a sturdy support system. 



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/7/2011 5:33:13 AM)

This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: uncertainlyizzy

Some people aren't looking for someone to "fix" them. They're looking for someone to hold their hand and support them while they "fix" themselves. And then there are some things that just plain can't be "fixed". Most people are more successful in growth and change when they have a sturdy support system. 



domiguy -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/7/2011 5:35:14 AM)

Are you looking for a Domi?



angelikaJ -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/7/2011 6:16:07 AM)

 

quote:

lizi
I've seen submissives that seem to need a lot of help getting their act together.

Actually, I can say that I did kind of fit that category.
quote:

ORIGINAL: uncertainlyizzy

Some people aren't looking for someone to "fix" them. They're looking for someone to hold their hand and support them while they "fix" themselves. And then there are some things that just plain can't be "fixed". Most people are more successful in growth and change when they have a sturdy support system. 


And this is how is has been for me, within this relationship.
Support and sometimes help, but not "fixing".



Palliata -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/7/2011 9:16:34 AM)

I don't see why it can't be both (though, to be fair 'life coach' implies a series of suggestions, which I am not prone to). Obviously I'm not a sub, but from my perspective D/s play is one thing; in that case I take next to no interest in their everyday lives unless they choose to disclose things unprompted or we're doing an interrogation thing. I've played without exchanging first names before, in the case that they were especially private people.

However, for M/s I think I should be in charge of their life, fulfilling every role from surrogate father to sensei. If they need my help then it's doubly important, and even if they don't their ability to conform to my standards dictates how well the relationship is going to go.



petmonkey -> RE: Are you looking for a Dominant or a life coach? (5/7/2011 9:21:17 AM)

i ditto what AngelikaJ said.

i will add two things (that are probably more telling about me than anything):

1) There's as many Tops peddling this "I fix 4 U nowz?" ware as there are bottoms looking for it.  Some of it might work out well--i think it's as relevant to get to know one's partner before going full-throttle into this type of relationship as in any other.  The difficulty here is the sense of urgency (outside of one's pants) that's felt. Often, the bottom's life has already fallen apart in this scenario and the Top immediately sees "their fix". Voila, insta-power exchange created.  Danger, Will Robinson!

2) A few of the "white knights" i've met (and carefully stepped around along the road). . . their armor was empty or had an un-sparkly vampire inside.  So often, a person who's feeling those yummy white knight feelings needs to double check their work.  Are they being supportive or are they stealing the other person's thunder?



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