Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

transition period


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> transition period Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
transition period - 5/9/2011 5:05:32 PM   
avena


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		D and I have a long distance relationship. I am incredibly spoiled and/or lucky in that I get to see him at least one long weekend every month. Lately, it's been even more often than that. But regardless of how long it's been since I've seen him last, every time I come home, there's the transition from 'happy and content, submissive me' to 'the me I have to be in order to live my regular daily life'. And that transition is becoming more and more difficult.

The transition period can last from 2 or 3 days up to a week, or even more. I've noticed that the transition period tends to be longer if we had an intense weekend together, versus a more casual relaxed weekend, with few play sessions. The transition period is marked by bouts of deep depression, withdrawl, and a marked lack of patience with other people trying to tell me what to do!

I know I can't be the only one to experience that transition, so I'm hoping someone has some practical methods of dealing with it that worked for them. So far, the only thing I've found that works at all is keeping busy. But it needs to be the kind of keeping busy I can do by myself (house cleaning for example), otherwise anyone around me is the line of fire for when my patience wears thin. But the house can only be scrubbed so many times before I end up washing the paint off the walls...
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: transition period - 5/9/2011 5:33:37 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I have some experience with this, as I drop badly after a prolonged period in "sub" mode....

Keeping busy works, and being able to be open and honest with your partner is also very critical. Being able to call him and tell him what I was feeling and just having a good cry with him on the phone did help. It made me feel better knowing that he was there for me, the good and the bad.

Emails, if unable to call or text also helped me. Knowing I could tell him what was going on in my head... these things also helped me understand what was going on with me and why I was going thru what I went thru.

It also might help if you play more towards the beginning of your time together, and either avoid playing or play lightly towards the end. When I would go see my ex for a weekend, we would play the night I got there and the next day, maybe saturday morning. but most of saturday would be spent either with other people in a vanilla setting or just casually together cuddling and whatnot. It didn't help completly, though if I knew then what I know it might have helped a lot more than it did.

Keeping busy works too... once you've srubbed the house clean, try a puzzle, or a game that takes all your focus and doesn't let you think much. (I find games like sims, or hidden objects games great for this)

< Message edited by goodgirl85 -- 5/9/2011 5:34:30 PM >

(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: transition period - 5/9/2011 5:34:45 PM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		Do a search on 24/7 and you will find that it's possible to be all subbie even when your D-type isn't around.
Talk with your partner about little things you can do while apart that will keep you in a submissive enough mode to stay happy.

_____________________________

FelineFae
All right reserved by Chaos
: Disclaimer :
Do not expose FelineFae to direct sunlight.
FelineFae cannot spell in any language.
Granting of Fae-Wishes VOID where prohibitededed.
Individual results may vary.


(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: transition period - 5/9/2011 5:45:51 PM   
avena


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for the suggestions, goodgirl85. I'll definitely talk to him about maybe adjusting the timing of some of our play, so that it's heavier towards the start of our weekends, rather than towards the end. Thinking about after I read your post, I realized that we tend to do the exact opposite of what you suggested. We tend to spend the first day and a half just sort of relaxing and being sociable, then transition into more private and intense time the last day and a half that I'm there. Maybe switching things up will help.

I do talk to him about how I'm feeling after I'm home, but although he listens and tries to be empathetic, I really don't think he quite gets it. He misses me when I'm not there, but for me, it's not just missing him that's causing the problems. It's missing the way I get to really be me, when I'm with him. For him, he's always himself, so the concept of someone presenting one face to the rest of the world, simply in order to function in the world, is something he has to stretch to grasp understanding of. He tries to understand, but he just doesn't quite get it yet.

I stopped playing sims a long time ago, but maybe it's time to start again! I never really thought of playing a game to distract myself, but it's definitely worth a try!


(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: transition period - 5/9/2011 5:52:32 PM   
avena


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you for your suggestions FelineFae. But my issue isn't with being submissive to him when he isn't around. I have training that I do every day, for him, and I have a list of rules and restrictions that he's given me, that I comply with on a daily basis. I'm also in regular daily communication with him. I am his, whether he's present or not, and I'm happy with that.

Perhaps that makes things more confusing.

Once I've managed the transition from the me I am with him, to the me I have to be when I'm not with him, I'm ok. It's just the transition period that's proving difficult.

(in reply to FelineFae)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: transition period - 5/9/2011 6:00:28 PM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		How about a ritual then?
The both of you devise a ceremony that will aid in the shifting of mental gears.
This would be a good place for a D-type to assist the s-type with self confidence and esteem.

_____________________________

FelineFae
All right reserved by Chaos
: Disclaimer :
Do not expose FelineFae to direct sunlight.
FelineFae cannot spell in any language.
Granting of Fae-Wishes VOID where prohibitededed.
Individual results may vary.


(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: transition period - 5/9/2011 7:39:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Ah yes, sub drop. Sleep, orgasms, chocolate. And yes, play in the beginning and make your last day the relaxing one when you have a good meal or two and nap. Since you seem to do better expending energy rather than not having any, try working out. You can run, lift weights, dance videos at home or go to the gym.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to FelineFae)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: transition period - 5/10/2011 6:22:02 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Ah yes, sub drop. Sleep, orgasms, chocolate. And yes, play in the beginning and make your last day the relaxing one when you have a good meal or two and nap. Since you seem to do better expending energy rather than not having any, try working out. You can run, lift weights, dance videos at home or go to the gym.


Does his best GT snort
Women will find ANY excuse to get chocolate. Any!
:-)


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: transition period - 5/10/2011 6:30:05 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		except you are forgetting that GT doesnt particularly like chocolate ;) (nice try on the *snort* though.. you do realize it is patented, right? where are my royalties? *grin*)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: transition period - 5/10/2011 9:22:12 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

except you are forgetting that GT doesnt particularly like chocolate ;)


What cats do?


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: transition period - 5/10/2011 12:40:02 PM   
faithbunny


Posts: 99
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		I used to get that way with my beloved--we'd have a day and half or so together every week and when I would watch him drive away I would cry and mope and be miserable without him. Having good friends online to distract me helped, journaling my feelings helped, and I would use that first day when the next weekend seemed forever away to do whatever housework and errands needed doing, figuring if I was going to be miserable anyway, I may as well accomplish something. Then I'd have more free time for when I wasn't all mopey. We've been together forever now so I don't get that way anymore. I finally really know that he will always come back, and that I'll always wait for him. : )

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: transition period - 5/10/2011 7:45:59 PM   
avena


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		Chocolate is definitely the universal cure for almost anything. Not that I ever really need a reason to nibble on chocolate...

I tend to go back and forth between listless despondency and nervous twitchy energy for those first few days home, after a visit. I need to find a way to smooth that roller coaster out a bit.

I've found that the twitchy energy can be burned off by doing almost anything physical that doesn't require a great deal of focus. Hence the house cleaning. Working out would be a good idea as well. And now that it's finally almost spring here...I can even go for walks and such in the evenings. Won't help so much at work, but at home, it'll be helpful.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: transition period - 5/10/2011 7:56:18 PM   
avena


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		This coming weekend will be the first time he comes to visit me, instead of us meeting somewhere, or me travelling to visit him. It could be interesting to see how I react to watching him leave, instead of me being the one that leaves.

Journalling is something that I'm just getting back into, and is part of what helped me see the pattern with the longer transition period coinciding with the heavier play weekends.

I'm glad to hear that there's light at the end of the tunnel, faithbunny. Hopefully one day I won't go through this sharp crash anymore. At first, I'm sure that fear that he wouldn't want me to come back, that THIS was the last visit, was part of the crash. But rather than the transition lessening over time, as my faith in him, and in our relationship, has grown stronger, the opposite has been true. The transition has become worse and worse. The more I find myself with him, the harder it is to come back to what I was before him.

For now, I'm just going to keep trudging along, and seeking ways to cope. I'm sure a lightbulb will turn on for me eventually...it usually does.

(in reply to faithbunny)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: transition period - 5/10/2011 10:06:45 PM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		Try eating red meat as well as apples and pineapples.

The reason you feel so good doing the mindless house cleaning is because your pumping endorphins into your system by morning around.... The harder you play the more endorphins are running in your system the harder the crash...because they go from being all there to being gone...

Try Having after a really intense scene a few hours later a less intense scene and a few hours later a little less, to slowly bring you down off the endorphin high.

Apples pineapples and other protein rich foods will help because they will slowly bring your body down to normal levels with out the grr argh blech feelings of sub drop.



_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: transition period - 5/11/2011 2:00:57 AM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: avena

D and I have a long distance relationship. I am incredibly spoiled and/or lucky in that I get to see him at least one long weekend every month. Lately, it's been even more often than that. But regardless of how long it's been since I've seen him last, every time I come home, there's the transition from 'happy and content, submissive me' to 'the me I have to be in order to live my regular daily life'. And that transition is becoming more and more difficult.

The transition period can last from 2 or 3 days up to a week, or even more. I've noticed that the transition period tends to be longer if we had an intense weekend together, versus a more casual relaxed weekend, with few play sessions. The transition period is marked by bouts of deep depression, withdrawl, and a marked lack of patience with other people trying to tell me what to do!

I know I can't be the only one to experience that transition, so I'm hoping someone has some practical methods of dealing with it that worked for them. So far, the only thing I've found that works at all is keeping busy. But it needs to be the kind of keeping busy I can do by myself (house cleaning for example), otherwise anyone around me is the line of fire for when my patience wears thin. But the house can only be scrubbed so many times before I end up washing the paint off the walls...


I'm somewhat tempted to fly you out and have you clean my place! I'd have no problem leaving so you would be here by yourself. *grins*

Okay, sorry for the facetiousness. I have an inkling of how you are feeling. It sounds like it's, at least in part, sub drop. I experienced similar situations after monthly play sessions with someone who was only a playmate and not a sexual partner. (And, I might add, someone I was not the submissive of, nor would I want to be. Play was it.) It was horrible, so I can only imagine it must be that much more intense for you having a relationship with someone. I tried to get that angst, that horrible feeling outside of me by listening to intense music that matched what I was feeling. Sometimes I would just scream in the car on my way home. This is just what worked (sometimes) for me. I was wound up so tight I was ready to snap, so I completely relate to your "lack of patience" comment. I agree with goodgirl85's advice about keeping busy through games and DesFIP's suggesting of working out is an excellent one. You can use that frustration to your advantage and get buff, if frustration is part of what you're experiencing. I know it helped for me. :)

Good luck! And try to keep in mind that you know you will be seeing him again. That is one thing to focus on as well. I never knew when my next play session would be and that was what contributed to my feelings.


(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: transition period - 5/11/2011 8:00:59 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		go dancing

(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: transition period - 5/11/2011 9:51:14 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Like the articles suggest, I've found that a little chocolate takes care of subdrop when I'm playing casually, and I did have more emotional subdrop when in a relationship with someone who told me he loved me but treated me like a fuck buddy. (Not implying this is true for the OP.)

Anyone else notice this:

Emotional side of sub drop: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/03/sub-drops-emotional-side/

Those that are in casual play relationships tend to not have as many drop issues as those in committed relationships.The reason for this is two-fold. First, casual relationships don’t have the same element of intimacy that exists in long term relationships. That’s not to say that all casual relationships lack intimacy, but if you’ve been in a committed relationship for any amount of time you will know the intimacy for which I speak. This intimacy can cause issues with boundaries and love that when the play is over the submissive can question the validity of those feelings. On several occasions I thought how could he love me if he did that to me. Of course it was consensual and boy did I love it at the time, but once the head space is over, the questions can bring emotions of sadness, questioning and disbelief. These are all normal.

Self aftercare: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/01/caring-for-yourself-after-a-scene-self-aftercare/


(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: transition period - 5/11/2011 5:38:30 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Although some people find it gets easier over time, we're still together and 8 years later, living together, I can still crash hard.

One thing that does help is not to play hard at the expense of sleep and food and water. You want to start out fully hydrated and having eaten lightly but lots of protein, and having had a good night's rest. If you barely sleep packing and thinking about what's happening, that's no good. Bring water into the room where you'll be playing. He stops to retie you or to get some lotion, you have a drink. Make sure there's fruit and cheese ready to nibble on and take a break after a couple of hours to do so. Don't play all night.

The better overall shape you're in, the less other stuff will be impacting you. The emotional drop is bad enough, don't eat sleep deprivation, dehydration, low blood sugar and so on to the mix.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: transition period - 5/11/2011 9:01:43 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Ah yes, sub drop. Sleep, orgasms, chocolate. And yes, play in the beginning and make your last day the relaxing one when you have a good meal or two and nap. Since you seem to do better expending energy rather than not having any, try working out. You can run, lift weights, dance videos at home or go to the gym.


Does his best GT snort
Women will find ANY excuse to get chocolate. Any!
:-)



lol when you bleed every month, bend over and vomit from what a doctor calls "normal cramps" and pass a watermelon out your nether regions you can knock the miracle that is chocolate. It doesn't cure everything but it sure makes you not care so much about... everything. Trypotophan is our friend :)

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 5/11/2011 9:05:52 PM >

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: transition period - 5/11/2011 11:38:54 PM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		there's plenty of good advice posted above me, but they are just band-aids. i have to ask...why transition? why not just live together?  to me one long weekend a month is a casual play partner.

hannah lynn


_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to avena)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> transition period Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094