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How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 7:21:58 AM

electricred

Posts: 20
Joined: 4/23/2011
Status: offline

This may seem redundant since I have a similar thread in General BDSM Discussion, but maybe I'll get different responses here, and this is slightly different than what I intended the other discussion for.

I'm in a part-time long-distance relationship with my sub, but we are only separated by a 2 hour drive.. We are able to spend anywhere from 2-5 days together each week depending on our schedules, and are discussing the option for her to move in, or close to me later this summer. We are both new to this lifestyle, and I'm on this website to find ideas or methods to keep our relationship healthy and moving forward.

Anyways,

I'm wondering what basic rules/guidelines other dom(me)s have put in place for their subs/slaves. I am wanting to have some control over this sub's daily life when we're apart, and have already set some rules to motivate her into productive and healthy habits, such as dietary changes, exercise, and study (we're both college students). She has made some comments that indicate she would like more structure, but I'm having trouble thinking of anything else that wouldn't seem to be going too far. I have no problem with demands for sexual play, and there are no problems when we're together. These are strictly going to be rules for daily life and behavior during the time we spend long-distance.

So, what do you ask of your subs? All advice or suggestions are welcome too!

Post #: 1

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 7:31:56 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

What's important to you??

Rules just to make up rules is silly to me and make absolutely no sense. They're just a waste of time and imo when a Dom does that it means he is just in this as a game and something fun to do.

Why not make rules that are important to you or you think would help her and would work for when you both are together real time?

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 2

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 7:55:56 AM

electricred

Posts: 20
Joined: 4/23/2011
Status: offline

Thanks for the fast response! Our real time together is more M/s, but when we're apart it seems like kink aspect of our relationship gets switched off, unless it's time for play. We have both noticed it and want more, so I'm brainstorming ways to gain that lack of presence in her life while we're apart. I'm not wanting to arbitrarily set rules, and so far have only made demands that are important to me, or involve her health and lack of self-motivation. I'm not really sure what else I could be doing though. I guess this is not so much about rules specifically, but more about any methods to assert dominance into a sub's daily life, without being physically present 24/7. I'm open to any advice that might make things feel more comfortable for us.

< Message edited by electricred -- 5/14/2011 7:56:36 AM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 3

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 9:03:20 AM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

Just my $.02 . I am a "lazy dom". I enjoy guiding my sub to make hera better person/sub, and I also like not to have too many rules. When I 1st started , I had a bunch and figured out that they were cluttering the relationship. So , I got rid of them but the main/ principle ones. I had to look within and see which ones I needed and which ones were just "in the way".

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 4

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 9:12:57 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

ok after giving some thought to your second response,

Don't try so hard.

Just both be yourselves. You are either the dominant power in the relationship or not. She either knows that or she doesn't. She shouldn't need for you to make a ton of rules for her to follow to know your presence, to know you are the one who says yay or nay.

If she needs a bunch of rules and rituals to follow then and I know I'll get roasted for this, but, she may not be as M/s as you think and more sub/dom imo. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just a different picture is all.

Just enjoy the time you both have together whether it be on the phone or computer or in real life. Hate to break it to you but most of the time you both spend together in whatever form is gonna be "vanilla".

Most of the time that Master and I spend together is spent just being a couple and doing normal everyday things. We both like it that way. We like that we can be ourselves but always always with the undertone that he's always the one who makes the last decision. He is the one with the power.

(in reply to Buzzzz)

Post #: 5

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 9:33:29 AM

SinFix

Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

I agree with little wonder... just be yourselves..

Think about the things that you would like to control if she was with you...

on thing is have her email you first thing in the morning with what her day is going to consist of... then you can have her either send texts, emails, what have you throughout the day telling you what she has gotten done and how it is going.. or could just have her save it all and send one at the end of the day...

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 6

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 9:34:33 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
You are either the dominant power in the relationship or not. She either knows that or she doesn't.

I agree with this. I also agree that most of the time spent together will eventually be "vanilla" day to day stuff.

With me, the undercurrent is that he's always the authority, no matter what we're doing - even if at the movies, hanging out with family, whatever.

However, we live about an hour & a half apart right now. I don't have a lot of rules set up for our days apart, but he does expect me to tell him my evening plans, and, if going somewhere (the gym, movies with friends, to my mom's), to tell him, and to call him when I get home. Other rules are things like:

Go to the gym
Balance my checkbook (I'm terrible at that)
Report my weekly weigh in
No eating after 8PM
Ask permission for social activities he might be concerned about (I know him well enough to know what these are)
Go to bed when he calls to say good night

It's pretty simple and easy to follow, yet keeps his finger on the pulse of my life at all times.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 9:40:45 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

I hope she reads this and realizes what a lame and uncreative pud she has hooked herself up with.

If you want, you can bring her over if she is not too gross and you can watch and take pointers.

_____________________________

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 8

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 9:46:32 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: electricred
Thanks for the fast response! Our real time together is more M/s, but when we're apart it seems like kink aspect of our relationship gets switched off

Be aware that a lot of folks on these forums don't really see "M/s" as either "kink" or something that can be switched on/off. What I gather is that you're looking for more fun/sexy commands you can give her to keep a sexual spark going while you're separated. I've seen LOTS and LOTS of things along these lines here. The classic seems to be forbidding panties. Beyond that there's just an endless number of options. Have her masturbate at a certain time of day then text you to tell you how the orgasm was. Have her... well... do anything sexual or vaguely sexual and report in about it. Despite the fact that you say "these are going to be rules for daily life", I'm just not getting that. What "Rules for daily life" does she need? If they were real rules then there'd be real purposes behind them. If they're not actually meaningful rules, then just do whatever floats you and her boat.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 9

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 10:36:43 AM

electricred

Posts: 20
Joined: 4/23/2011
Status: offline

No, I'm not looking for sexual commands at all, that's become easy. I'm looking for examples on how more experienced dom(me)s influence the daily life of their subs in non-sexual ways, whether for personal satisfaction, self-improvement for the sub/slave, or whatever other reason there may be. It doesn't have to necessarily apply to my situation either, it's great to read other people's methods and ideas.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 10

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 10:41:52 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I agree these kind of "rules" need to be tailored to the relationship, so I'm going to list some things I do or have done in the past, and you can extrapolate from that.

For a sub with self esteem issues: I made him write my name on the bottom of his feet every day, and told him "Every time you walk all over yourself, you walk on ME. And that pisses me off."

For a sub who is a bit of a workoholic and needs to learn to stop and smell the roses: "Every time you look at your watch, take a few deep breaths, try to de-stress, and think of me."

For an unemployed sub needing motivation (although this will work for any issue that could use some motivation, time management, juggling priorities, etc.): "Message me daily with your plans to find a job, exactly what you will do, how many resumes you will write, etc. At the end of the day, message me with how well you achieved your goals." (BTW: No punishment was involved with this, just a report.)

For a sub with a less than healthy diet: "Every time you put food in your mouth, think of me and what *I* would think of what you are eating."

"Keep a daily journal as a service to yourself and me. Write down thoughts, feelings, ideas of anything you want to share, fantasies, disappointments, etc. This journal is for your eyes only. However, once a week review the journal for anything you feel needs to be shared with me. You must write in your journal daily, even if it is to write: I have nothing to share today."

"As soon as possible after every play session, write a complete account of your thoughts and feelings. Your daily journal is a good place for this."

"Buy yourself seven different pairs of panties in seven different colors. You must wear each pair once a day for at least 2 hours. Each color represents a trait or relationships skill we are working on (i.e., yellow = humility; pink = be more open, blue = reflect on what a marvelous person you are). Reflect on the color's significance during that two hours when you are wearing the panties."

"Choose a time and place daily when you can sit quietly and meditate and reflect upon your day. Use this time to commune with me on a spiritual level, to understand and realize my strength and support are always available to you, no matter how far apart we may be."

"Begin each day and end each day reminding yourself of how precious you are to me, and therefore, what a wonderful person you MUST be, as my taste is impeccable."

I think this will give you an idea. I don't assign a great deal of busy work for no reason. I do like to keep a mental and spiritual connection going. I understand being a long distance s-type can be very emotionally trying, and my list certainly reflects that.

Best of luck.

_____________________________

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 11

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 11:02:23 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

ChatteParfaitt - what a lovely list!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 12

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 11:14:07 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

ChatteParfaitt - what a lovely list!

Thank you. Sometime it really helps to be a switch. I *do know* both sides.

_____________________________

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 13

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 2:42:27 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: electricred

This may seem redundant since I have a similar thread in General BDSM Discussion, but maybe I'll get different responses here, and this is slightly different than what I intended the other discussion for.

I'm in a part-time long-distance relationship with my sub, but we are only separated by a 2 hour drive.. We are able to spend anywhere from 2-5 days together each week depending on our schedules, and are discussing the option for her to move in, or close to me later this summer. We are both new to this lifestyle, and I'm on this website to find ideas or methods to keep our relationship healthy and moving forward.

Anyways,

I'm wondering what basic rules/guidelines other dom(me)s have put in place for their subs/slaves. I am wanting to have some control over this sub's daily life when we're apart, and have already set some rules to motivate her into productive and healthy habits, such as dietary changes, exercise, and study (we're both college students). She has made some comments that indicate she would like more structure, but I'm having trouble thinking of anything else that wouldn't seem to be going too far. I have no problem with demands for sexual play, and there are no problems when we're together. These are strictly going to be rules for daily life and behavior during the time we spend long-distance.

So, what do you ask of your subs? All advice or suggestions are welcome too!

One thing I absolutely will not have is rules for the sake of having rules! Unlike mainstream vanilla relationships where the partners have equal rights, D/s means we largely do things my way - within reason.

But once in place (rules) you'll find they become largely moot. For instance, I love long hair so she's expected to have her hair at least below shoulder length and preferably mid back, depending on her particular hair's properties.... So once the hair is long, the "rule" is largely redundant in the day to day.

Overall, your rules are two part. They're for you and what you want and expect of your submissive to please you and they're also for her (structure), especially if she has annoying or unhealthy habits (smoking or overweight, for example) or self-esteem issues that she can't control herself. Rules are not about what you think you need to impress other lifestylers with. The first part is easy; I know what I'll expect of my submissive from day one. The second part is about getting to know her, and what she needs as much as what she wants.

Your rules should have purpose. If a particular rule is causing your sub too much stress, don't be afraid to adjust or even discard it (assuming she's not just acting out to test you). Ideally, the rules should fulfill you both.

The thing is, if you don't even know what rules you should have, then you need to decide if D/s is even what you want. Fem/subs can be quite touchy about forced adjustments to their appearance, too, so expect to get bamboozled with that "accepting me for who I am" argument. Which is reasonable - in a vanilla relationship.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 14

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 3:33:54 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Quote from electricred....

I'm wondering what basic rules/guidelines other dom(me)s have put in place for their subs/slaves.

Unquote.

I had to think quite hard what *rules* there are here, as they are just a way of life now after so many years...but I have to be in bed before 11pm if I haven't been out. That's one of the very few *standing rules* that exists in our herb garden.

Other than that there aren't many *rules* for when he's not here. Daily, there are things he may decide I must get on with, (usually things I've procrastinated over) but they can't be descibed as *rules..more as commands or instructions.

Generally any *rules* that get slid into place are for things *I *want to achieve and know I'm unlikely to without a bit of carrot and stick. If I faff about too much over something and don't get on with it, he just slaps a *rule* in place, I lose my chance to sort it out myself and it gets done in his timescale.

I know from history that if I want to manage something myself, I'd better NOT grumble about it. There's only SO many times that he'll hear a tale of woe before he'll step in and have it fixed, once and for all.

I also learned a long time ago that if I ask for something, then I will get it with bells on......but rarely in the way I'd imagine. He doesn't like to make work for himself, he cuts to the chase and provides alternatives rather swiftly and they're rarely pleasant.

When I hear his movements toward helping me , I either get with the programme rather quickly or accept that I'll be getting with it ,whether I like it or not, HIS way!

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 15

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 7:01:40 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

I really don't see why you think you'll get different answers here, but what the Hell.
I'm not big rules person. There's only one rule worth having: Do what I say. That covers pretty much every situation.

As far as controlling her, why are you asking us? We don't know what you like. Fuck, send her an email every night detailing what she's to wear the next day, tell her how many situps to do, plan her diet...whatever gives you a stiffy.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 16

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/14/2011 7:47:23 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: electricred

No, I'm not looking for sexual commands at all, that's become easy. I'm looking for examples on how more experienced dom(me)s influence the daily life of their subs in non-sexual ways, whether for personal satisfaction, self-improvement for the sub/slave, or whatever other reason there may be. It doesn't have to necessarily apply to my situation either, it's great to read other people's methods and ideas.

This isn't a snarky response, even if it does sound like a fortune cookie or a quote from a Karate Kid movie but...

As your experience grows, you fill find that you need fewer rules not more to achieve greater obedience in your sub [Grasshopper]

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 17

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/16/2011 6:15:03 PM

TheCabal

Posts: 291
Joined: 9/3/2005
From: Lots of different places
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: electricred

This may seem redundant since I have a similar thread in General BDSM Discussion, but maybe I'll get different responses here, and this is slightly different than what I intended the other discussion for.

I'm in a part-time long-distance relationship with my sub, but we are only separated by a 2 hour drive.. We are able to spend anywhere from 2-5 days together each week depending on our schedules, and are discussing the option for her to move in, or close to me later this summer. We are both new to this lifestyle, and I'm on this website to find ideas or methods to keep our relationship healthy and moving forward.

Anyways,

I'm wondering what basic rules/guidelines other dom(me)s have put in place for their subs/slaves. I am wanting to have some control over this sub's daily life when we're apart, and have already set some rules to motivate her into productive and healthy habits, such as dietary changes, exercise, and study (we're both college students). She has made some comments that indicate she would like more structure, but I'm having trouble thinking of anything else that wouldn't seem to be going too far. I have no problem with demands for sexual play, and there are no problems when we're together. These are strictly going to be rules for daily life and behavior during the time we spend long-distance.

So, what do you ask of your subs? All advice or suggestions are welcome too!

I'd also suggest a diet/dress code. Do keep in mind though, that sometimes these are best done as guidelines rather than hard and fast rules. For example, you really don't want to put her in 6" heels on a regular basis if she's accustomed to flats. If she's already in heels though, have her add an inch next time she buys shoes, it's something that needs to be worked towards. The last thing you want is her getting frustrated and deciding she hates heels. And if you're going to do a dress code, keep in mind what she's going to be comfortable in (and what's within budget). You probably don't want her dressing too provocatively when you're not around. But that doesn't mean she can't dress professionally. An professional office-like wardrobe still has skirts, heels and blouses in it. And will serve her well even if you end up going your separate ways.

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 18

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/18/2011 3:18:05 AM

KeptDoll

Posts: 8
Joined: 4/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

For a sub with self esteem issues: I made him write my name on the bottom of his feet every day, and told him "Every time you walk all over yourself, you walk on ME. And that pisses me off."

I just have to say, this one's very sweet. It gives me a lot to think about, too.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 19

RE: How to control a sub's daily life? - 5/18/2011 6:27:49 AM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

I'm looking for examples on how more experienced dom(me)s influence the daily life of their subs in non-sexual ways, whether for personal satisfaction, self-improvement for the sub/slave, or whatever other reason there may be. It doesn't have to necessarily apply to my situation either, it's great to read other people's methods and ideas.

well since it doesn't have to be related to your semi ldr, here goes.

heather has her duties. she is responsible for the upkeep of the house. she cleans it daily, does all the dishes, checks the supplies and makes up the grocery list, makes sure that whatever we are having for supper is thawed and ready for me to cook, washes, folds and puts away the laundry. she takes care of paying any bills that come in, based on the monthly budget. she deals with the landlord for any routine business. she maintains our social calendar, entering those activities i approve and making sure there are no conflicts, and informing me if there are any so i can resolve them. she also takes care of booking any computer clients for me. basically she is responsible for making sure the household functions smoothly and efficiently to my standards, and that it does so invisibly to me.

on a personal level, heather is responsible for keeping herself in shape and for maintaining her proper diet and exercise (she's diabetic). i worked out what sort of meals she is to have and what her daily exercise minimums are (after consultation with her endocrine team), and she follows them. she is required to maintain a certain level of personal grooming. on a day-to-day level, she wears whatever she wishes, but i chose what she wears when we go out.

hope this is what you were after, though i doubt it will be of any use to you in your situation.

hannah lynn

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to electricred)

Post #: 20

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