Gifts and Touchstones from the past.

Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (Full Version)

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Whiplashsmile4 -> Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 7:34:03 PM)
I'm starting this thread, in order to not drag another thread off topic. Most people have had past relationships. With somebody that was part of our lives in some significant or special way. Along the we have been given gifts, out of love and appreciation. often they become touchstone remembrances. I am amazed by how some (not all) people get uptight and insecure over seeing or knowing about these items. Hell, I know of both men and women that have mindlessly insisted upon these things being put away out of sight or gotten rid of altogether! In fact, these items often become center piece of fights and arguments if their partner does not comply. With mindless guilt trips spewing out the mouth. i.e. You still want to be with them, that's why you're keeping a hold of that and why it's sitting on top of the dresser in plain sight. You're still thinking about fucking them and blah blah blah.. (list of mindless nausea here). Personally speaking, I've never found gifts to be so damn threatening ever in my life. If anything, I see how much they were appreciated. I don't see red, I don't sense danger. I don't feel threaten in any sense. perhaps it's my own sense of self esteem or perhaps because I can look at things in a different light. I don't know. I myself have had to deal with this before. Having somebody flip out over some gift I was given in the past. It's not like some EX just recently gave me that gift (that might be reasonable cause for red flag). These gifts do carry significant meaning to me, but I'm not about to toss out everything from my past. Pretend it didn't happen. I have meaningful gifts from friends and family. Yet, those things are not somehow magically threatening. I have loved and been loved, it's really that simple. This is part of my past. The experiences along the way have shaped me into who I am today. I find it absurd and insecure how some people tend to react to these things. Gifts that are touchstones to one's past.

LaTigresse -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 7:59:42 PM)
I am SOOOOO not getting rid of any jewelry!!!!!! I also have other gifts that I will never part with. I have never had anyone get upset and won't put up with it if they try. If it is jewelry they are whining about then I shall go all Elizabeth Taylor on them.

juliaoceania -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 8:05:45 PM)
I would not ever insist that a mate get rid of every reminder of a past love. As far as displaying of such items, well I suppose it would depend on what the items were. It would be silly to get bent over something like a rare book signed by an author that my mate particularly loved... or maybe a painting that they liked. On the other hand if they wanted to hold on to something and display it prominently just because someone bought it for them out of a remembrance for that person... I would probably think they still hadn't gotten over that person. I have gifts from more than one ex. I have gotten rid of some of these things, I have others packed away. I also have jewelry that was given to me. If I do not like something aesthetically, and the person is not a part of my life anymore, I will not hold on to it. To me this is hoarder thinking. I can remember the person without the object. Getting rid of a gift that has no relevance to my life is not dishonoring anyone... it is making room for other stuff. I am not a terribly materialistic person, and I am not a packrat. On the other hand, I would not discard something (like jewelry) because someone wanted me to. At the end of the day I try to respect people and their things. If I felt that someone was holding on to the past and would not allow me to be fully part of their future as a result, well I move on. That line is not something that is easily quantified.

juliaoceania -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 8:09:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I am SOOOOO not getting rid of any jewelry!!!!!! I also have other gifts that I will never part with. I have never had anyone get upset and won't put up with it if they try. If it is jewelry they are whining about then I shall go all Elizabeth Taylor on them. I would not get rid of jewelry, but there was the most ugly vase in the world that an ex gave me. It was supposed to be reminiscent of Native American pottery... it had leather on it. I hated it. Once our relationship was over for a couple of years I regifted it to my borther who collects such stuff

HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 8:21:55 PM)
Well I have no past relationships to clutter up my life, but Hanners does. She has lots of mementos and little gifts that previous partners have given her. They don't bother me in the least. They are like a roadmap of how she came to be who she is, and I like looking at them and hearing about the lovers who gave them to her. I love her, all of her. Her past is part of her, so I love that too. I'm not threatened by her old lovers either, not even the ones she's still close friends with. If Hanners didn't want to be with me she wouldn't be with me, but she is. That's all the reassurance I need.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 8:23:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather Well I have no past relationships to clutter up my life, but Hanners does. She has lots of mementos and little gifts that previous partners have given her. They don't bother me in the least. They are like a roadmap of how she came to be who she is, and I like looking at them and hearing about the lovers who gave them to her. I love her, all of her. Her past is part of her, so I love that too. I'm not threatened by her old lovers either, not even the ones she's still close friends with. If Hanners didn't want to be with me she wouldn't be with me, but she is. That's all the reassurance I need. Beautiful :-)

littlewonder -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 9:18:35 PM)
When my husband died and I was ready to move on with my life and start dating again I made it a point to put away all reminders of my husband, all gifts. I just felt that it was a little disrespectful to any man in my life to have all those little things sitting around. To me it was like saying to the current man "see, I haven't moved on yet and I still need to be reminded of my past life and therefore I can't give my full attention and respect to you". I don't wear jewelry that my husband gave me. It's all locked away to give my daughter someday and I burned every single item the ex ever gave me since I wanted absolutely nothing left to remind me of that past relationship.

HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 9:32:09 PM)
I find that really sad littlewonder, I hope I never feel that way about anybody.

littlewonder -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 9:44:51 PM)
why is it sad? My life with my husband was good but it is in the past. I can't move on with the future if I'm constantly nagged by the past. Besides we have a wonderful daughter who is all I need to be reminded of that relationship. As for the ex, it didn't end well, was not a good relationship at all and one I'd rather not ever think about ever again...bad bad bad mistake.

needlesandpins -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 11:40:02 PM)
i have no problem with gifts and things from an ex. we all have history and it stands to reason that if i have things that matter to me, then others will have things that matter to them too. i think the only time i would find it a problem is if that ex was ever present. so the person i was seeing was always talking about them in a way of worship rather than fond memory. i'm not talking the relationship that turns to platonic friendship (i've had those too) but where the ex really isn't 'over' in the mind of the partner. i don't think i'd be with that person very long. other than that, yeah crack on and have your momentoes. needles

crazyml -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/22/2011 11:45:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4 quote: ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather Well I have no past relationships to clutter up my life, but Hanners does. She has lots of mementos and little gifts that previous partners have given her. They don't bother me in the least. They are like a roadmap of how she came to be who she is, and I like looking at them and hearing about the lovers who gave them to her. I love her, all of her. Her past is part of her, so I love that too. I'm not threatened by her old lovers either, not even the ones she's still close friends with. If Hanners didn't want to be with me she wouldn't be with me, but she is. That's all the reassurance I need. Beautiful :-) I agree - absolutely spot on.

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 12:47:04 AM)
master has gifts around givn by his ex wife ex gf's all who were also his subs. i dont see thema s a threat they are part of who he is and they are all things that are of intrest to him ie collectables etc. these girls are in the past they are no an dwont ever be in his life again. i dont feel threatened by his past. i have some stuff from my ex but most of it i ahve got rid of its not stuff i really want more things he wanted but coudlnt justify to buy for himself so he brought them for me. (i am so glad hes out of my life )

sunshinemiss -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 2:11:52 AM)
I don't mind the things someone has from their past - the person you loved must have had some good qualities... they taught you a part of being the man / woman that I love. Because I travel and live abroad, there are many things I don't have with me. However, there is one little thing that an ex gave me that represents an important change in my life - the choice to trust. The man who taught me to trust gave it to me. It tends to take me a long time to really open up to someone, so that tiny little thing reminds me that just as he was worthy of my trust, so are others. Don't hide. I will never ever get rid of that gift. If I lose it someday or it is taken from me, I would go out and get another one as close to it as possible. It is not merely the man that it reminds me of, but the lesson and the experience. I would not give that away any sooner than I would give away my mother's necklaces. They are from people who loved me and whom I have loved. I hope that the people I have loved keep something that reminds them of us, of our growth, of the love. best, sunshine

DesFIP -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 3:53:54 AM)
If I like the gift in and of itself, that's one thing. If I'm keeping the object front and center in order to stay focused on the past relationship, that's something else. That's a sign that I'm not over the ex and not ready to move on. So it depends.

DomImus -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 6:10:35 AM)
Oops. I just read the other unlinked thread. Nevermind.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 6:25:53 AM)
Somehow my experience is not in accord with yours. For me, these things are not often points of contention, the center of arguments or anything other than a fond memento . . . the memories and lesson of which are shared with those you love.

NuevaVida -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 6:57:42 AM)
I only kept a watch, which I'm only keeping because I haven't replaced it with another yet. It doesn't have any emotion behind it. Stuff my ex husband gave me went into the dumpster. I had to chuck them as part of my healing and ability to move on. I kept a picture book of paintings from one of my favorite artists that he gave me, but I cut out the first page, which he signed to me. My ex owner didn't give me anything other than the watch. The collar was chucked. He left some toys with me (buy not as gifts), which Daddy & I have fun with - no energy is attached to the ex owner. To me, when a relationship is over, particularly if it ends with negative feelings, it's time to close the door on it and move on. That means getting rid of anything that still might have some emotion attached to it. If Daddy had all sorts of momentums that kept him in the past, I'd be concerned about where his head was. He has a couple of things from his ex which he says there's no attachment to. Other things he's thrown out, with me there (and not at my asking), which came from her. In fact, he tossed out a cool set of martini glasses that I liked, lol. But he said we'll buy our own set together, and move forward together. I think we're both just about living in the present. Past gifts may be nice, but they're in the past, and our present is so full, there just isn't room for them.

sexyred1 -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 11:23:16 AM)
I would never get rid of jewelry; everything else can go. I have saved letters and cards and photos from past relationships, but now think I will dump of all of them. After all, what good are they now? None of those people are in my life and having them around is just baggage. I also think you should start with a clean slate. Life is too short to have bad reminders of what once was, or did not work cluttering your space. And honestly, there is a reason these people are no longer in my life; the only gift that would really matter to me is to forget them.

avena -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 11:29:01 AM)
I know that D does not tend to keep momentos. If there is anything he has, on display or otherwise, that was a gift from someone in his past, it's not something he chooses to discuss with me. And I'm fine with that. The people in his past are just that...in his past. I am his present, and hopefully I will continue to be his present for a long time. For me, I do have a box of mementos from the first Dom in my life. I even have a few of the gifts he gave me on display, although unless someone asks, I don't specify the significance of those items. Hell will freeze over, thaw, then freeze again before I ever get rid of any of those mementos. He was a very important part of my life, and his death nearly destroyed me. But I would not be the person I am now, if he hadn't helped me get started on this path I'm on. Thankfully, D doesn't feel threatened by the fact that there is someone in my past whom I will always love. It doesn't change or diminish my feelings for D in any way. Other ex's gifts and mementos...unless they were something that was important to me (ie, collectibles, books, etc) they got passed on to someone else who would appreciate them more.

juliaoceania -> RE: Gifts and Touchstones from the past. (5/23/2011 11:32:44 AM)
quote: I have saved letters and cards and photos from past relationships, I do that too, even emails, etc... I may "dump" them one day... but I may not.

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