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RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 7:12:53 AM   
lally2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I feel as though I could start anew now, but the reason I am pretty sure this is so is because I am happy by myself. I do not feel "needy", and I did at first. I think I sought validation through others, and now I do not need it anymore.

So my answer to the questions you have posed, at least for myself.... I knew I was ready when I did not feel a sense of loss every day over the past, when I began thinking about my future with only myself in mind (not feeling regret for the future that might have been), and could take or leave a relationship - depending on if it satisfies me...



i like this... lol

actually its exactly how ive come through too.  its been over two years for me and ive played, experimented, flirted, tried but nothing felt right because i was still angry, missing what i had.

now im totally at peace with myself and in no damn hurry at all.  if someone comes along that tweaks my interest then i know im ready now to give it all.

But - its taken a time of really looking at this whole bdsm Ms, Ds thing.  in the end its how i prefer to function, but for a while i really kicked its ass, turned every stone over and fully pushed and prodded at it.

my process, not necessarily youres, but i think youll find, once youve reached that point of 'im OK with me' that youll ease back in again.

hugs hun, im so sorry, ill drop you a line xx

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 8:04:37 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Kali,

I don't really have advice at this time.
I am glad you are taking care of you and keep you close in my thoughts.

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RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 8:08:55 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		i don't have much more advise either, but thought my new avatar might cheer you up

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 8:11:43 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
To be honest with you, any relationship can be toxic or unhealthy for you. It's not a matter of the type of relationship as it is who you are having the relationship with.

THIS.

I've often thought that if people spent even 10% as much time worrying about WHO as they do WHAT then people would be a lot happier.

Kalista: I like the "Listen to the voices in your head" option myself. I'm also going to go with, "It's going to take some time and you'll be a bit crazy during that time."

My sympathies
~Jeff


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 8:32:32 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
To be honest with you, any relationship can be toxic or unhealthy for you. It's not a matter of the type of relationship as it is who you are having the relationship with.

THIS.

I've often thought that if people spent even 10% as much time worrying about WHO as they do WHAT then people would be a lot happier.

Kalista: I like the "Listen to the voices in your head" option myself. I'm also going to go with, "It's going to take some time and you'll be a bit crazy during that time."

My sympathies
~Jeff



And then there's all those relationships based on the *who*, where the *what* got overlooked or underestimated....lol

Most endings have a degree of pain attached but when the cost outweighs the benefit you tend to do some re-assessing.

The salve is in the fact that you KNOW that no matter how awkward and uncomfortable it is *in the moment*, the benefit outweighs the cost. ie leaving is the better option ....hurts but in a more beneficial way, holds more possibilities than staying.

agirl




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RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 1:06:15 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I feel as though I could start anew now, but the reason I am pretty sure this is so is because I am happy by myself. I do not feel "needy", and I did at first. I think I sought validation through others, and now I do not need it anymore.

So my answer to the questions you have posed, at least for myself.... I knew I was ready when I did not feel a sense of loss every day over the past, when I began thinking about my future with only myself in mind (not feeling regret for the future that might have been), and could take or leave a relationship - depending on if it satisfies me...

Your place of readiness maybe extremely different from mine.


This was exactly my experience.  Julia took the words out of my head.

And even when I met the man, I wasn't sure I wanted it, because I really had become happy and at peace with a single life. I figured men just complicated things, and now that my life was simple, why add complications?

Someone told me something back then, that if/when someone comes along and provides an environment in which the true nature of me could thrive, I might come to feel differently about my (then) desire to not embark on another relationship in which I am submissive.

I knew I was ready because I was happy and peaceful, and the person I was exploring added joy to that blend.  Like others have said - it's the who, not the what, that makes the difference.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  Julia's right - woulda-shoulda-coulda's aren't appropriate now.  Moving forward in life and making it what you want it to be, is probably your best approach.  You might be a little bewildered at the moment, and can't picture what you want your life to be, but if you open yourself to possibilities, anything can happen.

I do wish you the best.


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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 1:15:58 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

And even when I met the man, I wasn't sure I wanted it, because I really had become happy and at peace with a single life. I figured men just complicated things, and now that my life was simple, why add complications?

I'm withya..I've got a good business, my dogs, a great deal of stability in my life in general and a plan for my future. I'm completely happy being single and in no hurry to mess that up with the next quick fix of a female. I'm open if someone good comes along but definitely not pursuing it now.

< Message edited by Icarys -- 5/29/2011 1:34:47 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 2:10:07 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Fast reply.

You're going to hate these answers.

Time.  There is no instant fix.  You're not going to find healing without going through your stages of grief.  Does it suck?  Yes.  Can you avoid it?  Well, you can, but doing so doesn't allow you to go forward.

Patience.  Not as easy as some people would like to tell you that it is, but you have to find it in you.

Self-Exploration.  This one's tricky because it doesn't work when pain is involved.  The answers to the hard questions aren't the same when you're hurting.


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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 2:21:05 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

I've been struggling with this thread for the last hour... Wondering should I post it, shouldn't I post it, etc. Don't get me wrong I can handle the rude poster and the hateful "suck it up stop whining about it grow a pair" that some people will no doubt post...THAT's not the problem.  The problem is I'm just not sure where to start.  As I'm aware that many of you get very irritated when you don't get the full story, here goes:
I've recently left (or been asked to leave) my husband and his slave. Divorce is basically pending... Hindsight being what it is and all, people were right all along and he was never a dominant to me at all. I have a plethora of feelings naturally ranging all over the place, which I understand are normal. This is not about them...it is about me and my stuff.
I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?
I'm mostly just looking for information to ponder.
Thanks for any and all feedback.
Thanks,
Kali


FR

Kali, you don't know and you can't know now, you need time for yourself and find yourself and listen to what you really want, for a while you will feel lonely but think about it in a more positive light, it will give you time to pursue things that you always wanted to try, don't jump into the next relationship because you're afraid to be lonely, don't settle for just anything remotely acceptable and don't do stuff on the rebound. Find yourself, get your feet back on the ground and be happy with yourself, then you reach that odd stage where you are actually happy to be single - and guess what? When you're not looking, it's usually when it happens!

Now have a big hug and I wish you lots of strength to get through it, won't be easy but if you want a shoulder, I got an open inbox, I won't be able to change things for you and I don't have a magic solution, but sometimes getting it all out of your system and talking to a stranger might help!

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 2:31:26 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		It takes time. time to heal, to be single, time to be bored to be single, time to date , time to hate dating , time to be single again, and maybe , time to find someone when you least expect it :)

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 5:06:32 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		I wish I could thank each and every one of you individually..... However, the reality is if I read this one more time or all the wonderful, supportive, and kind emails I have gotten as a result of this thread.... I will cry more.

Thank you all so much.

Kali


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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 7:14:03 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		Then read it again.......tears are part of the cleansing process. If you didn't need to cry, you wouldn't be crying.

At least it works for me.



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yep

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: what now? - 5/30/2011 7:32:44 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		JAS,

You are more than likely correct....

Kali


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~~Sweedish Proverb


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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: what now? - 5/30/2011 10:29:09 PM   
IrishMist


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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?
I'm mostly just looking for information to ponder.

Hmmm, How do you know?

Honestly, you don't.

One thing I always ask myself about my needs and wants in regards to relationships ....any kind of relationship...is simply...what makes me smile, laugh, cry, and want to throw my arms wide and just say 'HELLO WORLD'.

Start off small. Ask yourself..."what would make me happy, what would make me smile, what would make laugh, what would make me cry?"

If a person(s) can do that for you, no matter HOW they accomplish it...then there's your answer. It's right, it's healthy, and eventually, it will be the right time again.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: what now? - 5/30/2011 11:15:28 PM   
ExquisiteStings


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with jstanothersub; crying is an integral part of the healing process. cry all you want. let it out, it's a healthy and cathartic part of grieving. But don't forget to laugh at things you find funny, surround yourself with good friends, and be glad that you're rid of a person who put such little value on having you in his life. And as buzzz and lady constanze say; when you've gotten everything all sorted out and are content with all aspects of your life again, that positivity will project forth and guys will eat it up; when you're not looking, that's when you'll get inundated.  I've been thru what you're going thru and I know it hurts and if you want someone to talk  to (or type to) even tho' you don't know me, I can both sympathize, and empathize and maybe offer suggestions to make you feel better.


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: what now? - 5/30/2011 11:40:22 PM   
petmonkey


Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?
I'm mostly just looking for information to ponder.




i moved into my own place and really focused on completely unpacking and using my belongings, digging into my old interests and gaining new ones, re-evaluating what was important to me outside of a relationship. i wondered this too and realized i had to set these sorts of questions aside.  It's about now, not a potential future.  It's about me, not me in reference to someone else.  i figure, when i'm ready, i'll feel enthused about going on a date rather than . . .worried (wc?) about the details of who i will find. In the meantime, i can cultivate my little fantasies about the kind of partners i might have; perhaps someday these fantasies will turn into goals but i have to not fret over it. i think it, then release the thought.


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Be excellent to each other.


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: what now? - 5/31/2011 5:59:43 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Kana's thoughts
I agree with the general meme-time takes time. The hurt slowly, and I mean slowly, one iota at a time fades, the anger and recriminations and hurt follow, and then one day I find myself thinking of her, or a moment with her, and I smile and feel something warm kindle in this dark wintry heart of mine and I know I am once again commencing to heal.
That said, I don't think anyone's mentioned that every crisis is an opportunity, that when one door closes others open. You're 35, obviously a great lady (Hey, I've been reading your posts for years) and you essentially have the chance to start your life anew, but this time, you know now what you didn't know then.
In the midst of pain, that may not sound like much, a slender reed to grab a hold of, but there are slews of folks who would kill for that opportunity.
My thoughts-chase your dreams, grab a firm grasp on the Double Whopper of life and take a big bite. Keep active, get or rediscover hobbies, old/new friends, and aspirations. Live to the fullest. Do silly things, run in the rain, splash in puddles, smile at strangers. When the day comes that you don't want/need/desire to be in a relationship-then you are once again ready to be in one (At least that's how things tend to work for me).

Best of luck and big snuggles right now.


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: what now? - 5/31/2011 6:12:16 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hey,

Bleugh... I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff K.

You'll do fine, more than fine. And you'll know when the time is right and you'll know what to do.

It might not feel like it at times, but....


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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: what now? - 5/31/2011 7:30:40 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Hey Kalista, I am so sorry you are in pain. I have no wise words for you other than that there is no advice, really.

I was with someone for 12 years and every time I think I am over it totally, I realize I am not. So, I decided to stop feeling pain and if it rears its ugly head, I just do something else and just keep moving ahead.

You really cannot forget someone; but you have to work on not hating them and yourself for what happened. That is pretty hard to do, but it must be done.

I had started dating immediately and that was a mistake. For some, it helps. For me, it did not. I am just into myself right now and the better I am, the more open I will be when and if someone great comes along.

The one really great thing to take from a failed relationship is learning what went wrong, and knowing you will not allow anyone to treat you badly again.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: what now? - 6/1/2011 4:12:55 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		When a relationship fails the key is not to let it affect your dealings with others and life. Breaking it off with someone does not mean you shouldn't react to others in what is a normal way to you. Other people weren't involved in your relationship and shouldn't bear the brunt of your pain. It's normal to feel sad, but don't let the hurt, anger and fear affect your interactions.

Keeping an open, friendly demeanor while not looking for SOMEONE will lead you to friends, psychological security and possibly to SOMEONE. Ruling a relationship in or out means you are putting up walls of some kind with others. From the context of friendships without preset conditions things happen or don't happen. Good luck.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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