RE: what now?

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xssve -> RE: what now? (6/1/2011 8:11:50 AM)
Huh, I was "over" my ex long before we actually stopped living together - took a while to get the grudge fucking out of my system, not every woman appreciates a good grudge fuck, and ethically, I felt an obligation to warn them beforehand not to take it too personally. [sm=hewah.gif] I think realistically, you never really get over it entirely, it's more of a question of being able to move on without making the same mistakes twice, IMO.

theRose4U -> RE: what now? (6/1/2011 5:29:01 PM)
quote: I just know that somebody truly took advantage of every ounce of my empathy with made up sociopathic like lies. Grandmothers passing away and none existent funerals that never happened.. Cause Grand mother was still very much a live. Having Cancer coming out of remission that never existed. Not to mention a pregnancy with medical complications, that sure enough was a lie as well. This girl literally sucked my Empathy like it was fucking blood. And now... I'm left feeling a little cold and drained. I'm not as in touch as I once was. Things that happened today was more than enough proof for me. People that manipulate and tell lies that intentionally play and feed upon Empathy... are indeed vampires Totally accurate on the energy vampire thing. Woman like this fed on one of the great loves of my life and sadly took him as her husband because of the fake pregnancy angle, still hard knowing that he trusted his lust over my spidy sense. As for OP, take your time!! Look at this as a chance to remodel...who you are, what you believe, what you think you need out of life/relationships. I've had long term sucessful relationships kink and nilla, those I really thought would go the distance ended in disaster and those I "set free" out of genuine love I still kink (lmao freudian slip anyone? Kind of) of wish I had hunted down and killed the bitch :) Um yeah...moving on. Divorce is painful, kink can and usually will be used against you if you don't have a good attorney, take your time are all the advice I can give. You're starting off on a road trip with no known destination and no guarantee of the outcome...act like it's a rafting trip and take the bumps as they come, roll with the punches and let the attorney do what they are paid for...being your designated asshole.

Kalista07 -> RE: what now? (6/2/2011 7:54:22 PM)
I just want to thank you all for your replies... Some of them have very insightful... Some of them have been a bit over my head... And some of them have just down right made me sob. Kali

LaTigresse -> RE: what now? (6/3/2011 4:02:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: And even when I met the man, I wasn't sure I wanted it, because I really had become happy and at peace with a single life. I figured men just complicated things, and now that my life was simple, why add complications? I'm withya..I've got a good business, my dogs, a great deal of stability in my life in general and a plan for my future. I'm completely happy being single and in no hurry to mess that up with the next quick fix of a female. I'm open if someone good comes along but definitely not pursuing it now. This so fits how I look at the whole thing right now. And I haven't even ended any hugely important relationship in.......ages. I think I am at a point where I spent far too much time looking for Ms Right. Time that I feel could have been better spent on other things. It's going to take someone with a lot of ambition to belong to me to flip my switch.

Kalista07 -> RE: what now? (6/3/2011 5:12:27 AM)
I really get what you all are saying... Trust me I do. And I agree a thousand and a half percent. I know I'm no where near ready for a relationship today... Hell if the perfect man with all the wonderful qualities showed up at my door today I'm afraid I would probably puke on him... I know I just don't have the capacity in me to do this anymore.... I know some of you are going to mock this or whatever and that's fine... But, I was with him for four years. We lived together for four years. I did not see any signs of this behavior before we got married. And I really truly believed when we got married it was forever. I begged him to go to counseling..he went once. He displayed no signs..no behaviors of being an abuser..... He displayed nothing that would make me think he would allow her to put him in a position to chose her over me, and then chose her. So, now here I sit.. feeling stupid, ashamed, worthless..... I'm not looking for pity here. Although I'm sure it sounds like it to some of you. And that's fine too. The reality is your going to think about me what you think about me and I can do nothing to control that. My problem is I don't want to have to be alone for ever. I want the option of some day being able to be in a healthy relationship. And right now I just don't have any hope..... Kali

xssve -> RE: what now? (6/3/2011 5:54:42 AM)
Put the blame where it belongs, if you sit around feeling like it's all your fault, you're still allowing him to control your life. Think about any signs you might have seen before you committed, I have a whole new list of red flags, because yeah, I got taken in too, people like that are very good at hiding their behavior until they have you cornered. There are now a lot of seemingly innocuous behaviors that raise the hair on the back of my neck. My number one rule, and it's a tough one here, what with all the expected obedience and compliance as a central value, but if they don't seem to care about your feelings, be wary, because that will probably not change. I really don't agree that the PE relationship should be all one sided, particularly emotionally, but there is that ethic to some extent - it makes things more complicated to treat somebody like a human being, but any relationship should be based on trust and communication, IMO, so communicate. Yes, dating people with baggage is no fun for the other person either, I've dated a few, so it helps if you have another shoulder to cry on, so you can shelve it at least for a little while.

LaTigresse -> RE: what now? (6/3/2011 7:08:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 I really get what you all are saying... Trust me I do. And I agree a thousand and a half percent. I know I'm no where near ready for a relationship today... Hell if the perfect man with all the wonderful qualities showed up at my door today I'm afraid I would probably puke on him... I know I just don't have the capacity in me to do this anymore.... I know some of you are going to mock this or whatever and that's fine... But, I was with him for four years. We lived together for four years. I did not see any signs of this behavior before we got married. And I really truly believed when we got married it was forever. I begged him to go to counseling..he went once. He displayed no signs..no behaviors of being an abuser..... He displayed nothing that would make me think he would allow her to put him in a position to chose her over me, and then chose her. So, now here I sit.. feeling stupid, ashamed, worthless..... I'm not looking for pity here. Although I'm sure it sounds like it to some of you. And that's fine too. The reality is your going to think about me what you think about me and I can do nothing to control that. My problem is I don't want to have to be alone for ever. I want the option of some day being able to be in a healthy relationship. And right now I just don't have any hope..... Kali Here's the deal Kali, what any of us think of you doesn't really matter, not big picture, now does it??? No matter what you type on here, we don't know the whole story, we don't know Kali inside and out. We can't. And.......no matter how much you feel like you fucked up.......the fact is....you absolutely can not go back and change any single thing about the past. Not one god damned thing. Accept that, it just is what it WAS. You absolutely must focus on the present. What you need to do today, right this moment. Quite allowing what happened in the past to control this moment. Focus on letting go of alllllllllllllllll that garbage. Accept that whatever it WAS......it doesn't have to be anything now, or tomorrow. I look at every single dumb ass thing I ever did, and I've done plenty in my 49 years, as life lessons. No more, no less. But as far as allowing those life lessons to have any emotional control over how I feel about myself in a negative way.......I do everything in my power to fight that. It's not productive for me, and it serves nothing positive in any way. You've got to embrace the shit with the flowers. I know, if I don't pile horse shit on my rose plants, I don't get beautiful flowers. Life piles a lot of shit on us and yes, a whole lot of it we pile on ourselves. Some of it is damned hard to forgive ourselves for. Do it anyway. Seriously.......you just have to learn to embrace all the ugly shit as fertilizer. As far as future relationships. I don't think it's about getting in a mindset of accepting (insert dramatic, hand on forehead, voice, here) "Ohhhhhhh I will always be aaaaaallllooooooooonnnnnnnnneeeeeeee!" It's more a case of finding in yourself, that you are okay being alone......RIGHT NOW. Create a wonderful, positive, life and mindset. Teach yourself to value yourself. That is what draws the right kind of people into your life for the type of relationship you want and deserve. In the garden theme......think of it as creating the perfect garden, preparing the soil, etc.......for the perfect rose to grow and bloom. Or some such creative prose.[;)]

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