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Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 8:32:31 PM

MyDesireIsU

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Joined: 11/10/2007
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I am a 60 yr old woman who has been exploring this lifestyle over the past 15 yrs but not openly. It has been a struggle learning mostly from Doms I have met on-line and in person.
About 7 months ago I met a Dom who I had a strong connection with intellectually and emotionally. I actually "fell in love" with him without even meeting having chatted and emailed for several weeks. After a couple of months we met and he felt I was too emotional, wound up and on the verge of falling apart for us to have a real d/s session.
He desires a r/t 24/7 slave. I don't know if I am one. We agree that I am a strong submissive who needs a firm dominant but he doesn't feel I am ready to be or even am slave material. I understand a slave does not question her Master's instructions and accepts his total control over her life. I need to know what this really means. I have always been one who naturally follows a man's direction (married twice - single the past 20 yrs.). I can't imagine I would say no to most anything my Master asks of me. Except for one thing...
We discontinued contact in Jan. because I would not/could not accept Master's contract in full. I will never be able to give him the bi-sexual activities he demands in his contract. He will not compromise on this issue. I also struggle with Master's need for other women in his life. I would not walk away from him for this but it hurts me to know that he needs this in addition to enslaving me.
We have contacted each other just a 3 or 4 times over the past 5 months just to say hello. He also has a connection with me and has indicated that he would like me in his life under his terms.
This week we are talking about the possibility of re-starting our relationship. I believe I may evolve into the slave he needs but HOW DO I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN? He is asking for a firm commitment at this time where I am asking for a chance to see if I evolve into his slave.
This is a start of my request for help from slaves and Dom's who have slaves. I could expand more but perhaps starting here is enough.

Post #: 1

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 8:38:42 PM

Awareness

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
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He wants to fit you into a specific role. That is, he has no intention of honouring your uniqueness and helping you to grow into the fullest expression of who you could be, whether that be as a sub or a slave.

In other words, he's missing a jigsaw piece and wants to distort you into that piece no matter the emotional cost. Most dominants worth their salt know that it's possible to guide someone and help them grow into what you wish them to be. Demanding it up front is lazy and indiscriminate.

You are utterly wasting your time with this man. Move on.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 2

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 8:55:02 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

I will never be able to give him the bi-sexual activities he demands in his contract. He will not compromise on this issue.

He wants a bisexual woman and you're straight. Why on earth is he even talking to you? Why on earth are you even talking to him? You're an apple and he's demanding you be an orange. Say thanks but no thanks, we're not compatible and continue your search.

I'm reminded here of the story of Ethelred the Unready and the tide.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 3

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 9:37:34 PM

tazzygirl

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Joined: 10/12/2007
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Personally, he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Many things you wrote sent up red flags for me.

One, his insistence that you be bisexual. Not all women are wired that way. I have been on a couple of occasions... but those were at my choice, not the man's. Could I do it to please him? I dont know. I would try... but thats just me. If you know you cant, then stick by those feelings.

Second, his insistence that you are not a slave. slavery is not "add cum and stir". It takes time, patience and commitment. Trust is an absolute necessity. I will never enter a relationship as a "slave". Its a goal... not a race.

quote:

This week we are talking about the possibility of re-starting our relationship. I believe I may evolve into the slave he needs but HOW DO I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN? He is asking for a firm commitment at this time where I am asking for a chance to see if I evolve into his slave

Why the push and rush job? Its one thing to have a relationship, its another to make a firm commitment about the type of relationship you will have. There is no guarantee that he will be the Master for you... and by the looks of things, its my opinion it wont work.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 4

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 10:29:10 PM

MyDesireIsU

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline

I was hoping He would understand your point. We have a very deep connection in other ways that keeps drawing us together. In my mind it's worth exploring but He has to understand that I am an apple and not an orange. You make much sense! Thanks.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 5

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 10:33:49 PM

MyDesireIsU

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline

It does seem odd that he wanted to collar me the first time we were to meet. It didn't happen of course. My emotional connection to him is so strong I've been ignoring some of the obvious negative signs. But, I was hoping he would take me along slowly. I'll keep your words in mind.

(in reply to Awareness)

Post #: 6

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 10:36:35 PM

MyDesireIsU

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline

Your words struck a cord. "Slavery is a goal..not a race"./ I have told Him I wanted a chance to see if I grow into that mindset. Accepting me as His submissive is step 1. I do appreaciate your insight.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/28/2011 11:26:52 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm going to go against the tide. I'm a poly person. Anybody who is going to enter a dynamic with Me has to know from the beginning that isn't going to change for somebody new. My being married to someone else is part of the package. I also already have a sub so anyone coming in now has to deal with that. On top of that, I play casually, which isn't ending either. If I were the D in your scenario, I wouldn't be willing to change those things.

As to the bi-sexuality, I happen to have certain kinky tastes Myself. I've had submissives who have had bi-sexuality as a hard limit and I've allowed it, especially if they think it may not remain a hard limit. However, when that happens, My sub doesn't get to tell Me that I won't engage in these kinks with other people. In your case, it's looking like an issue that isn't negotiable on either side, so it may be an issue of incompatibility that can not be resolved.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 8

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 1:22:12 AM

OwnedFemaleFlesh

Posts: 182
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline

You can fall in love with people who are wrong for you. Doesn't mean you have to ruin your life and your chances of romance because of it.

This man sounds all wrong for you. If it hurts you already, before you've even started, then why start at all? He is looking a bisexual, poly slave. You are none of these. You are a straight, monogamous submissive and if he wants a relationship with you then that has to be his starting point, whatever happens in the future. But he isn't willing to start at that point. He wants to rush ahead to the point where you are already a bisexual, poly slave, no matter how much it mangles your feelings to try and get there, quickly, in order to retain his attention.

He wants you to be something you're not. Whereas you need to learn the lyrics to that song 'I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses'.

owned xxx

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 9

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 7:52:20 AM

MyDesireIsU

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline

It's obvious that I have been ignoring who I am and who I am not. He has told me the same things and I haven't wanted to accept them. It's time I did.
Thank you!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 7:54:54 AM

MyDesireIsU

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline

You would think I would have learned that some men are just wrong for me by now! This one is. It would only work for me if he is willing to accept me a something less than a TPE slave. Thanks for the wake-up call.

(in reply to OwnedFemaleFlesh)

Post #: 11

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 8:36:13 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyDesireIsU
This week we are talking about the possibility of re-starting our relationship. I believe I may evolve into the slave he needs but HOW DO I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN?

You don't. When I married Carol I didn't know that we would evolve into a perfect match. I made my best guesses and then had the courage of my convictions.

He is asking for a firm commitment at this time where I am asking for a chance to see if I evolve into his slave.
This guy is extremely inflexible. He's also more than a bit unrealistic. So he wants a "slave" eh? Has he mastered you yet or did he just want that "slave" to show up in a gift box? As others have said, slaves are made not found on the street corner. You might consider that he is proposing that you give yourself to him. At least in my house, that's a pretty literal statement. So you might think, "If I was actually going to sell myself to a man and then subsequently become his literal property to do with as he wishes, do I know this man well enough to justify that decision?"

This is a start of my request for help from slaves and Dom's who have slaves. I could expand more but perhaps starting here is enough.
Here's my help. You're not bisexual. You're not (at least right now) a slave. You're not what he wants and he's not patient enough to mold you. I'd say this isn't a good match.

It does seem odd that he wanted to collar me the first time we were to meet.
*blink*... no seriously.... no wait.... So let me get this straight. He wants whole hog, "you belong to me" slavery.... and yet he wanted to collar you on the first meeting? Yet.... later one it turns out you're not at all what he needs? Honestly, this very much sounds like the behavior of an internet dom. Most of the masters I have met in real life treat the taking of a slave very, very seriously.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 12

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 10:15:37 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

As others have said, when there are things you KNOW about yourself, then you know them. Him wanting them to change isn't going to make it happen.

You KNOW you are a straight woman. Not to be rude, but you are 60 years old and started exploring this lifestyle 15 years ago. If you were going to consider any bi-sexuality in yourself, it would have happened by now. All the "molding" in the world isn't going to change you now.

You KNOW that him being with other women would be emotionally painful to you. We see all the time posts from women who "knew" they didn't like the idea right from the beginning, but went along with the idea hoping they would be able to handle it. I've yet to see one woman come here who was pretty sure that poly was not for her, come back and say it worked out wonderful and they couldn't be happier. This is not a slap to happy poly people. For many, it works great and they really are happy as clams in their relationships. But when you know at the outset that it isn't for you, you are asking for trouble at the beginning.

It sucks that you have such deep feelings for a man who is looking for things you can't give. It would suck more for you to sign up for a relationship where he tries to force you to give those things and you are miserable.

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 13

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 10:56:53 AM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello MyDesireIsU. You should make a distinction between D/s and kink. You do not agree on kink and it is a deal breaker for the dom. This guy makes kink conditional to D/s. For him the D/s part is seen as kink. At least he is honest about it. Why can't you walk away? At your age, you need help on simple compatibility issues? RL.

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 14

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 3:25:35 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyDesireIsU

You would think I would have learned that some men are just wrong for me by now! This one is. It would only work for me if he is willing to accept me a something less than a TPE slave. Thanks for the wake-up call.

What is it about Mr Wrong that appeals to you?

Perhaps you should think hard about the qualities Mr. Right might have and study it and pay attention to it the next time you are about to get involved.

And for me the 'Instant Collar': just add sub (or slave) is a big red flag to me.
(You have mail on the other side btw.)

_____________________________

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(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 15

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 7:14:45 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyDesireIsU

You would think I would have learned that some men are just wrong for me by now! This one is.

There is a man in my past that is krytonite for me. Everytime I heard from him I'd be ready to run to his side and suck up just about anything to be with him. Till he dumped me once again. We're not even talking D/s here...just plain old vanilla.

I don't know exactly what it is that makes me so blind to his faults, I wish I did. I do so much thinking when he's gone about how he isn't right for me and how things will never go the way I wish they would. Since I don't know what it is that makes me so susceptible to him, my solution to not fall for it once again is not to have any contact with him. It works. My powers of reasoning and logic have won the day at this point because I realize that he's horrible for me and I have taken the steps to remove the temptation.

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 16

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 8:05:52 PM

Kaelloric

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

I have owned my slave for 5 years. she knows what it is I want, and some of it she wasn't sure of in the beginning. I have been firm, and steady, though I have not pushed her into the things that I know she is not ready for. I have helped grow her to fit the space she lives in, so to speak. I never demanded anything except obedience. Eventually I did away with 'true' punishment, as it was not needed and was counterproductive for her. (as opposed to 'play' punishment, which is fun to be had by all.)
If there was a sticking point, something she could not get past, I treated it like a hard limit temporarily, until we were able to find a way to work it and make her comfortable with it a little bit. Pushing boundaries a little at a time works wonders, and expands horizons. Sometimes we found things that I wanted that she simply couldn't do, for this reason or that. Sometimes it is physical, sometimes mental. Once these "hard" limits are found, I respect them, and watch out for them. They pop up in the oddest of places sometimes. Its part of the journey.

The foundations we set are Communication- Honesty- Trust- and Respect. In that order. One builds on another. If any one is broken, it can be difficult to repair. I respect her enough that I learn what she believes to be her limits, and her 'hard' limits that cannot be pushed. Because I am Master, does not mean I can do whatever I like. There are consequences for the things I do and decisions I make.

I personally cannot stand and cannot abide by written contracts. People grow and change. Sometimes slowly. A relationship like mine is constantly evolving with every conversation I have and every single play session we enjoy. Some people like and can live by them.

I would suggest you find your speed, and go that speed. If your Man cannot respect your limits enough to learn them inside and out, and respect you enough to help you grow together into what you will be, then I suggest staying friends. If you feel the respect is there, then by all means, the feelings you have can lead to something wonderful.

One last tip. Occasionally I have had people I have played with tell me "I refuse to do X. Punish me with your worst, and I will still refuse." This, while extreme, has always made me take a step back and reexamine the person I'm playing with, and rethink what I'm doing and where I'm going. After a statement such as this, I have not pushed that item, nor have I punished for her failure of it. Occasionally later, sometimes years, the same person finds she really enjoys X. It is all in how it is handled.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 17

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/29/2011 11:20:39 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: robertolapiedra

Hello MyDesireIsU. You should make a distinction between D/s and kink. You do not agree on kink and it is a deal breaker for the dom. This guy makes kink conditional to D/s. For him the D/s part is seen as kink. At least he is honest about it. Why can't you walk away? At your age, you need help on simple compatibility issues? RL.

Shouldn't the same question be posed to the Dom? What is wrong with him that he, the one in charge, cant see the incompatibility and walk away?

"At least he is honest about it." My ex used to toss out that line... usually when I caught him in a contradiction.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 18

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/30/2011 8:36:54 AM

MyDesireIsU

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline

To All who have helped me out on this.
He has walked away for good after I suggested we start with me as his submissive. It's for the best because I do know who I am. He was not willing to accept that. So, thanks again.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 19

RE: Need Insight from Slaves and Doms - 5/30/2011 9:29:40 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyDesireIsU
He has walked away for good after I suggested we start with me as his submissive. It's for the best because I do know who I am. He was not willing to accept that. So, thanks again.

Well, if it helps any, I had known and loved Carol for about 12 years before the collaring. We knew, trusted, and respected each other very well. Our stated goal was M/s. But even so, I went very slowly and carefully when I extended my authority over her.

Then again, just to spare a kind thought for the guy in this story, there are in fact slaves out there who demand that they be "mastered" right from the get go. So perhaps he'll be able to find himself one of those and it'll work out well for him.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MyDesireIsU)

Post #: 20

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