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What bothers you? - 5/29/2011 11:39:19 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
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The other day, i went on a day trip with a friend and another guy. while driving, the topic of BDSM kept coming up. at some point, i got up to reach back and get something and when i sat back down, i sat on the seat belt and said "ow!" the other person said "you're with (insert friend's name here), you can probably take a good amount of pain." to which my friend replied "not as good as (insert name of other sub here)."

i felt kind of lame because it was an outright comparison, just because this other person is into all kinds of extreme stuff that i'm not into. so i mentioned it, and the friend's retort was basically to continue making me feel lame because oh geez -- i don't want hypodermic needles shoved through my nipples.

sorry, i'm not into needle play and probably never will be. but i thought it was lame to try to make one person feel "less than" just because i may not be as extreme a player as this other person. it's not like i've ever said "you don't fuck as good as my exboyfriend," and i would consider those to be very similar remarks.

anyway, what bothers you?

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

Post #: 1

RE: What bothers you? - 5/29/2011 11:58:01 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Out of curiosity Lilly, who was putting the value judgement on that?

At the factual level it is true that sub A takes more pain than you, right? If it was really your friends who were doing that, why on god's green earth are they your friends?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 2

RE: What bothers you? - 5/29/2011 12:21:13 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

anyway, what bothers you?

A lot of things actually.

Being told I'm too young to know what sort of relationship I want. I mean I may not always want this sort of relationship, but I do right now. I actually think that most of the people who tell me that are really meaning they think I really want a relationship with them.

People here disliking Hanners and getting the wrong impression of her. I know its pretty much her own fault for the way she posts, but it still bugs me.

The way my Dad cries when we talk on the phone. The way my Mum refuses to talk on the phone.

When Hanners is feeling down and there's nothing I can do but leave her alone. I feel so useless then.

My best friend's brother and girlfriend were in a motorcycle accident and are in the hospital, and there's nothing I can do to make her feel better. This makes me feel useless as well.

Stains that won't come out!!! I hate throwing away an otherwise perfectly good piece of clothing.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 3

RE: What bothers you? - 5/29/2011 7:37:31 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

i thought it was lame to try to make one person feel "less than" just because i may not be as extreme a player as this other person.

Respectfully, you're assuming that was the intent, because that's how you took it. It may have simply been a factual observation, yes/no?!!

quote:

...anyway, what bothers you?

I hate it when the dog farts in my bedroom... "sniff... sniff... AWE GAWD... WAS THAT YOU? WELL IT WASN'T ME?!! OH DAMN... IT WAS THE DOG!!!

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 4

RE: What bothers you? - 5/29/2011 8:01:44 PM

ExquisiteStings

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline

To Heather McLeather,
Re: stains...If the item is not black cloth, try soaking it in a sinkful of cold water with a scoop of Oxyclean. Leave it soaking for a few hours. If the stain is set in from a previous washing, it may not work, but o.c. does a marvelous job on fresh stains.

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

Post #: 5

RE: What bothers you? - 5/29/2011 9:25:51 PM

mummyman321

Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline

What bothers me?

When people make statements about a certain type of play, call it unsafe, when they have no medical knowledge and no experience. If you do not know, simply say so, but do not safe something is not safe because you have no interest or knowledge of the subject.

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 6

RE: What bothers you? - 5/29/2011 11:47:51 PM

OwnedFemaleFlesh

Posts: 182
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline

That's annoying because it isn't about how much pain you can or can't take - it's not some sort of s&m olympics! It's also setting up an unnecessary rivalry between you and your friends.

I remember disagreeing with a female friend of my Owner over a remark she'd made online, and my Owner laughingly saying 'She'd eat you alive!'. I am a pretty feisty person, and his remarks just riled me up - did he think I was soft, that I couldn't handle myself? Did he respect her more than me? And then he couldn't understand why I'd be so hostile whenever her name was brought up, or why I was always putting her down. When I told him that, in fact, he was the one who'd started it, he was really surprised.

People often say stupid things without thinking through how they will make other people feel. Reassure yourself that it was a stupid and uncalled for remark, then be the bigger person and let it go.

owned xxx

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 7

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 12:06:28 AM

PdxJ

Posts: 195
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedFemaleFlesh
People often say stupid things without thinking through how they will make other people feel. Reassure yourself that it was a stupid and uncalled for remark, then be the bigger person and let it go.

Or, you could go the other direction with it and call his/ her domination abilities in to question.
lol - though, if he's your dom, it probably wouldn't be advisable.

And as far as what bothers me? Really quite a bit but so far tonight my list is topped off by - when my finger goes through the toilet paper. (lol!)

_____________________________

Imagine what you could learn if you could learn to imagine.

the 'Official Sunny Stalker'

(in reply to OwnedFemaleFlesh)

Post #: 8

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 9:53:52 AM

magdalaina

Posts: 45
Joined: 4/29/2011
Status: offline

What bothers me?

When I stupidly say I know how someone is feeling when in truth it is not in my experience.

When I allow myself to become sarcastic.

When I cannot seem to communicate well enough to make my thoughts understood.

When I am dense and do not understand.

When someone is unkind and uses ugliness to get their point across.

My jealousy.

A couple of phobias I cannot understand nor can I even speak of.

_____________________________

Dabit eloquio victa puella manus. Ovid

(in reply to PdxJ)

Post #: 9

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 2:21:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If your friend didn't know that she was upsetting you by this, if you didn't tell her, then you are equally to blame. If you said, "when you say things like this, I feel unvalued, is this what you wanted to do by saying this" and she then continued, then you would be correct to take it in this manner. Some people just aren't sensitive to others and need to know what effect their words have.

And if you aren't close enough friends to be able to tell the truth about how this made you feel, then maybe this isn't someone you should be spending time with.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to magdalaina)

Post #: 10

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 7:22:06 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If your friend didn't know that she was upsetting you by this, if you didn't tell her, then you are equally to blame.

I might be totally wrong here, but I got the distinct impression that this "friend" was actually her dominant, because of this:

"The other day, i went on a day trip with a friend and another guy. while driving, the topic of BDSM kept coming up. at some point, i got up to reach back and get something and when i sat back down, i sat on the seat belt and said "ow!" the other person said "you're with (insert friend's name here), you can probably take a good amount of pain." to which my friend replied "not as good as (insert name of other sub here)."

In other words, her "friend" in the car there with her, is (a) her dominant and (b) someone who likes certain forms of torture she doesn't like.

But no matter who said it, I agree with the people who've asked, "since it is a factual comparison, why feel bad about it?" Not all of us can be a Bob Flanagan (or his female submissive counterpart). I personally do not mind in the least not being like Bob Flanagan!

But, if it were my master or dominant who said that, I'd especially let it slide off my back, because such a person has a right to make those kinds of comparisons to your face. It's a way of expressing power, and the more controlling your relationship, the more you may experience submitting to such "indignities" (although really, a factual comparison is not an indignity--it's just a bit of truth that happens to rubs one's ego the wrong way but it shouldn't because look at the fact: despite the performance of sub xyz, your friend is hanging out with you and that is an indication that he probably finds lots of things most worthwhile about you).

"...the friend's retort was basically to continue making me feel lame because oh geez -- i don't want hypodermic needles shoved through my nipples."

Think of it this way, if appropriate, Lily: he could have dismissed you because you won't/can't take a type of pain that he likes to administer. But he didn't. He's just demeaning you a little bit by talking about you this way in front of his friend. That's not such a big deal to accept, is it, as his submissive? Particularly if it might be giving him pleasure to do so?

Finally, needles are a very common phobia. Perhaps you take different sorts (but equally intense) forms of pain, and your friend was just ribbing you, or wanted to see how you would respond to being compared to another submissive, in much the way people might compare two different brands of a commodity.

(If I've misread and your "friend" is really a girl who is not your dominant, just ignore my remarks.)

--------------------------------

As for what bothers me?

My biggest one is probably dominants and submissives who aren't what they claim to be, either because they do not know themselves or are intentionally deceptive. These people often hurt others who are more sincere.

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 8:06:48 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: magdalaina

What bothers me?

When I stupidly say I know how someone is feeling when in truth it is not in my experience.

When I allow myself to become sarcastic.

When I cannot seem to communicate well enough to make my thoughts understood.

When I am dense and do not understand.

When someone is unkind and uses ugliness to get their point across.

My jealousy.

A couple of phobias I cannot understand nor can I even speak of.

Magdalaina -
I think part of why you are misunderstood is that you are trying so hard to not be your normal (sarcastic) self and because you are pretending what you don't know / experience. When you do that, people see it - Ishy kind of slammed you over on the Gorean Foreum because of it. People hate that crap. You obviously want to be a "good kajira" whatever fuckall that is... but you are really just a woman like all the rest of us. You're single. Enjoy it. Revel in it. Have a good time. (Yeah I know... it bothers people when they get unsolicited advice. I'm so not worried about that).

When someone says they know how I feel, I lose respect for them. They have proven themselves to be liars at worse or insensitive and unaware at best.

Doesn't bother me. In fact I appreciate when people make decisions easy for me.

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 5/30/2011 8:09:29 PM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to magdalaina)

Post #: 12

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 8:08:26 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

I'm bothered by the fact I'm close to freaking out because Daddy has been gone all weekend (obviously pre-planned, I chose to stay home) and it's been like 24 hours since he called or texted or anything.

NO reason for me to freak out AT ALL, He's a freaking adult and has been out camping, specifically to that river at that camp site with those friends for YEARS before I came around. He's totally ok.

I just feel like something is wrong.

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to aromanholiday)

Post #: 13

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 9:13:42 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

To Heather McLeather,
Re: stains...If the item is not black cloth, try soaking it in a sinkful of cold water with a scoop of Oxyclean. Leave it soaking for a few hours. If the stain is set in from a previous washing, it may not work, but o.c. does a marvelous job on fresh stains.

Thanks.

Oxy added to tomorrow's shopping list.

(in reply to ExquisiteStings)

Post #: 14

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 9:30:05 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

My biggest gripe is how often I can be at an event and have a friendly/casual conversation (say we're at a social and have both stepped out to smoke) with some guy and he'll suddenly find me beneath his notice as a human being after it comes up that I am a submissive. So what if I don't spray paint "bitch" on my forehead, it doesn't make me less of a man just because I choose to submit to a woman. I think in many ways, it has made me more of an man than the one I'd have been otherwise.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 15

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 10:15:17 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Welllllll... Dark Chylde.... Welcome back. Nice to see you posting.
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 16

RE: What bothers you? - 5/30/2011 10:54:34 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

This is going to come off sounding kind of pompous but actually, very little bothers me in the way that you are referring to.

My whole life I have done exactly what I wanted with no regard as to how others would see it, what they felt about it, or if they approved or disapproved. Not because I generally did not care about their feelings, but because I learned early on that I was simply different from others and the only way to have any amount of happiness within myself was to accept myself. Being able to do that, what others think about me, matters very little (with the exception of my kids, but even they don't have the ability to say or do anything that would 'bother me' in regards to my life and how I live it).

Despite my love of harsh pain, there are a great many things that involve pain that I just can not tolerate. Like you, needles is one. Despite being pierced, I have a very real fear of needles; I had to be held down, literally, when my piercings were done. Simply because of my fear. I can't be tied down or bound in any way. I completely loose it. I can't be gagged or blindfolded. Same reaction.

I have had people in the past look at me really funny after watching me get sliced up with a knife, only to find out that I can't even watch someone get pierced with needles.

It does not bother me though. I accept myself and my limitations, and I accept the same in others.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 17

RE: What bothers you? - 5/31/2011 6:07:24 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Roman, I didn't get that at all. But even if that's true, it just points out more strongly that she needs to tell the friend/dom how she feels. Because if he thinks this is just good, clean fun, while she feels like crap around him, it doesn't bode well for the relationship.

I would imagine the person thought it was just funny to tease Lilly, but it hurt her and she won't want to spend time with the person in future. Whereas if she spoke up, it might have ended, she might have received a straightforward apology and promise not to do this in future, all of which would strengthen the relationship instead of weakening it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to aromanholiday)

Post #: 18

RE: What bothers you? - 5/31/2011 6:21:58 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

The things that bother me are the things that I choose to bother me.

Look, life happens. That means good shit and bad shit (Ain't it amazing that I have no beef dealing with surprises like hitting the lotto but get my manly silk thong in a wad when things don't go my way?), lots of which I have zero control over...buuuuuuuuuuuuuut I always have control over how I react to things and I certainly have control over who I listen too and give regards to.

Lotsa of people say lotsa shit-that's cool, everyone is entitled to their opinion and it's a free country, they're entitled to speak it. But their words only has the power that I give them. And frankly, that's not a power I give to many. When someone says something to me the first thing I do is consider the source. Now I listen to everyone (Hey, wisdom oft comes from the mouth of babbling idiots, if one only has the ears to hear), but some people get a whole lot more headspace/consideration than others, especially when they say something that I don't believe is accurate. Others, and this is the vast majority of humanity, I go "Yeah yeah," nod and move along with life.
I learned a long time ago that I can't please everyone in every way (Not that I really tried :-)), and that people are people and are gonna say/think/do weird and often hurtful shit, so I don't sweat it-they think what they think about me and it has zero affect on me, because I know who I am as a man and as a person.

In the end, a person has two things in life, their integrity and their reputation, one internal, one external. The second is the province of others and really is none of my business, but I have all sorts of control over the first...grins, and I've found over the years that it doesn't really matter what others think of my reputation because it cannot change how I think and feel about me...because I have integrity, which is really what defines me.

< Message edited by Kana -- 5/31/2011 6:23:25 AM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 19

RE: What bothers you? - 5/31/2011 6:56:32 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

You know it is funny....when you ask people what bothers them at various times of their lives, you will get so many varied answers.

If you would have asked me 10 years ago what bothered me, I would have come up with a laundry list of inconsequential things.

If you ask me now, I would have narrowed that list down considerably. Why? Because you never know what life is going to throw at you; sometimes it is a curveball and sometimes, the ball hits you with full force.

When you have grappled with some tough life issues, you learn not to sweat the small stuff. Really, having gone through some major shit the last few years of every type, I have come through it all very strong and my priorities shifted to what is really important.

So, while one can get annoyed at what others do or say, like Kana said, I consider the source. When it is someone important to me, I deal with it. Otherwise, when I find myself getting annoyed at something silly or just a normal life annoyance, I always snap back to myself and say, girl, how important is that compared to what you have dealt with?

And it makes it easier to just move on with your day.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 20

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