monsieur42
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Joined: 8/11/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
quote:
ORIGINAL: BigBadVoodooDadd
We get together, we talk about limits, about degree of submission/dominance, of sadisism/masochism, of need to control or ownership/to be controlled or owned, of degree of kink, of degree of “outness”, etc.
But when do we talk about the other relationship stuff that is so very important and at the core of human interaction?
Dear Lady Angelika,
I can see a few driving factors:
1- the fact that we are approaching these new relationships from the BDSM angle explains why the BDSM limits are expressed first. If I would be looking for a bowling or golf partner, I would start by listing what is important for me for a partner in relation to the sport.
Now for sure, if I would be looking for a golf partner in the hope of becoming very good friends, I would most likely add a few other criteria.
So if one is only looking for a playpartner, the social life criteria would be less important. But if someone hopes to develop a more sustained relationship, the social aspects becomes important.
2- I think that for everyone, there is a relatively short list of limits in the BDSM world. But there is a much longer and much more diversified list of limits depending upon each individual's personnality outside the BDSM world.
For instance, a profile may not say that the person one is looking for must like cats, must be non-smoker, must live in the city, must like cinema or museums, etc. Now these may or may not be hard limits depending upon how much one loves his or her cats, museums etc. Should all the things that are a limit be listed in the profile? It is probably impossible but I agree that each person should try to list the main ones. In fact, it is not rare to see profiles that say "must like pets, must be non-smoker, must live in the same city, may consider live-in position or marriage with the right person, must be confortable in a poly relationship, etc.
3- We are probably conditionned by our social education to expect to discover other people social preferences (or limits for the purpose of this discussion) by social interaction. Therefore, most people possibly think that if the BDSM interests are compatible, they are quite ready to discover the rest of their compatibility through "normal" social interaction.
4- The BDSM community is still a relatively small one and there is probably an interest to get to know each other from the moment we establish a BDSM compatibility even if we do not know yet our social compatibility. Imagine for instance that you lived for 2 years in a small village in Russia. One day, you hear that there is a visitor from Montreal in the village. Not knowing anything else about this visitor, you would probably want to meet him because you have this strong hometown identity that links you both. However, after you meet the person, you may find that it is someone that is not truly compatible with you socially. But still, you would be happy to have met him, because of this identity that you share. The parallel is not perfect but I think there is some of that shared identity at play when we are looking for a BDSM contact. The search for this shared identity is so strong that most people would be ready to move into a social interaction mode once they find someone that shares their BDSM identity.
Most of us anyway would be happy to make new BDSM friends on the basis of a BDSM interest compatibility. These people may remain friends even if they find out through their social interactions that they have social or vanilla incompatibility. Would it not be sad to cut your-self from possible BDSM friends just because they are not meeting some of the social or vanilla life limits. They may not be candidate for playpartners at the end but if the door is shut right at the beginning because they do not meet some social limits listed on the profile, then a BDSM friendship may be lost.
Just my opinion.
Monsieur42
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RE: The "Other" Limits - 
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