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Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 1:10:10 PM   
LadyMoonshine


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		I have been interested in the BDSM scene for a while now but have not looked into it because I knew that my partner did not find it erotic at all. However recently I have rediscovered my love in BDSM and my partner has agreed to indulge in my curiosities after I showed him how it could be to his advantage.

Although he is willing to try things he finds it hard to be dominant and other than constantly asking him what he wants me to do I am struggling to think of ways to encourage him to be more dominant. Can anyone give any suggestions?

(Just so you know I do have access to a female Dom who is a good friend of mine but this is a limited thing due to the fact that we both have other partners who want to be involved with our lesbian activities but do no want to be involved with each other. Also due to the fact that I am deeply in love with my partner I don't want to consider going else where to indulge my fantasies)

< Message edited by LadyMoonshine -- 5/13/2006 1:13:50 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 1:40:09 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		Tie his butt up to the bed when he's sleeping and begin insertion of objects, when he wakes up...tell him, hmmmm, my lil subbie, too bad your not a big, strong, Dominant man. I'm going to untie you and laugh.....coz you look so silly and vulnerable
then get your ass ready to be spanked, tied and into the role you love.......It's not manipulitive, it's good!
Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to LadyMoonshine)
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RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 1:42:07 PM   
Raethepain


Posts: 44
Joined: 4/21/2006
Status: offline 		well, it's odd replying to this on the forum as I know you both...

But I'd say it's pretty hard to coax out dominant sides. There's always the whole "baiting" idea, but I'm not fond of it (withdrawing from sex for a while, telling each other your personal fantasies and seeing if the withdrawl sparks any instinctve domination).

I would be inclined to say he might be being a little... well, lazy about it. Although he might not find it enjoyable, he should care enough to play at the role for a few sessions to please you.

(in reply to LadyMoonshine)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 2:10:37 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		A lot of men are raised with the gentleman factor, and rightfully so, but I think this makes most men who were taught to treat women nicely balk at domination unless it's something instinctual for them.

Men with natural domination instincts understand the difference between beating and controlling someone who loves it, and craves it, but men without that natural drive often just can't wrap their heads around the difference between BDSM and abuse.

You can try helping him to see that withholding something you desire is less kind than spanking you. (Or whatever activity you are trying to inspire) My experiences with this so far, however, doesn't show much of a success rate, no matter what you try, unless he indeed does have some latent domination tendencies..

In many ways it's like trying to ask someone who is not bi, to indulge in homosexual activity to please you. They may be able to go so far as to grant you the occassional indulgence, but they aren't likely ever going to initiate it, or enjoy it much.

Good luck, hon. I hope things work out for you.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to LadyMoonshine)
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RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 2:14:14 PM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		okay I know this will sound mean and age prejudice but when I read your profile and saw you were 19 and not a lady in her mid 40's who had been married for 20+ years , it made me change my answer.

I think you need to find a new partner. Having these desires is a big part of your life and to try and constantly suppress them or force someone else to partcipate is going to be really difficult. Or if you don't want to end this relationship maybe they would consider opening it up so you could experience more of what you are looking for with others.

My heart really goes out to you because I once felt trapped in a relationship where our interests and desires did not match , it was really awful.  The best thing we both did was move on.

(in reply to LadyMoonshine)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 3:15:51 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Buy him copies of The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book after the two of you have read "Screw the Roses.  I rarely recommend Screw the Roses but it is a fine book, very very non threatening, lots of fun pictures and it is very un seedy if you know what I mean.

Now, a word of advice.  Being a timid dominant to a hot to trot submissive is a vast amount of work.  Just like a training a child, you will get much farther with praise than punishment.  The first time you utter "you aren't dominant" enough, his dick is going to shrivel and your budding dom is going to go back into his shell.  Praise him later when he DOES give orders, tell him how hot it makes you and SHOW him.  Be the tidies bit bossy, when he gets up to get a drink, BEG him to let you do it.  Being a gentleman he is going to want to do it himself.  You have to SHOW him, that his programing of being a nice guy (while valuable and something you don't want to lose) needs to be tweaked, and making you serve him is the nicest thing he can do for you.

Sit at his feet on the floor when you watch tv, rub his feet, show him the benefits rather than the work of being a dominant and watch him take to it like a duck to water. 

Read the threads here about finding a partner and how hard it is for people.  You have one that you love and that loves you, work with that and you will be happier than many of us!

(in reply to kisshou)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 3:43:44 PM   
LadyMoonshine


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the advice guys. Just to claify though. I have been with this guy and in love with him for 3 years. Some of you may not believe that young people like me can really find love but I love him sometimes to the point of destruction.

My partner does do some spontaneously 'Domish' things. eg. earlier on he spanked me with somthing he found laying on my desk. I do believe that he is capable of having a dominating side but just doesnt know what to do with it. Also i thin at times he sees it as a game and not as a serious thing.

I will try a few of these suggestions though I do not think that tying him up and having my way would work (though it would be fun.) All other suggestions though are greatly apreciated





(in reply to kisshou)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/13/2006 3:56:12 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		This thread might have a lot of good stuff for you:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_269547/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#269558
He's a switch, I'm a sub, help!

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyMoonshine)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/14/2006 2:55:39 AM   
sweetsubie


Posts: 82
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

I think you need to find a new partner. Having these desires is a big part of your life and to try and constantly suppress them or force someone else to partcipate is going to be really difficult.



I agree, your young enough to move on and find some one who is truely Dom, you cant force some one into being Dominant towards you 99%of the time it wont work or it will just end in tears. Be true to your submissive urges and find some one who can help you embrace them.

< Message edited by sweetsubie -- 5/14/2006 2:56:31 AM >

(in reply to kisshou)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/14/2006 3:58:47 AM   
Sab


Posts: 325
Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Maybe he just doesn't WANT to be a Dom? If that is the case then you either have to find a new partner or live with the restriction that are there now. If the feelings you have draw you to a Domme - go with that to fulfill how you are and feel and explain to him that it is a need and not just a kink that you are going through at the moment.

Hope everything works out for you.


_____________________________

God blessed it and it brought me to her.

(in reply to sweetsubie)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/14/2006 11:36:45 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I have a friend who is going through the same thing, it is working slowly but it is starting to work.  So far he is only Dom in the bedroom but it is a starting place.  Al the advice you have gotton is great advice You have to show him how you long to serve maybe then he will understand.  Good luck to you both.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Sab)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/19/2006 3:06:40 PM   
Sitara


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		‘Tis intriguing that you have "access" to me my dear, but I won't broach on the subject here.

In regard to your post; I know you and your partner I can see where you're coming from with not wanting to leave him. But you have to be honest with yourself that you have thought of leaving him in the past and the reason has been sexual in nature. You know that at Uni you will find it difficult to remain faithful if you have the offer of sex - especially if the person is interested in the lifestyle. This is no longer a matter of just love - sex does not always constitute love.

This is a matter of structuring your whole life to be something you've not been born to be. You're a natural Domme, and being submissive is going to be a challenge for you if you insist on pursuing this route.

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Encouraging a Dom - 5/19/2006 6:21:01 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

fastlane wrote: Tie his butt up to the bed when he's sleeping and begin insertion of objects, when he wakes up...tell him, hmmmm, my lil subbie, too bad your not a big, strong, Dominant man. I'm going to untie you and laugh.....coz you look so silly and vulnerable
then get your ass ready to be spanked, tied and into the role you love.......It's not manipulitive, it's good!
Kevin


LOL

quote:

Raethepain wrote: I would be inclined to say he might be being a little... well, lazy about it. Although he might not find it enjoyable, he should care enough to play at the role for a few sessions to please you.



Well, this sounds more like a kinda-sorta-maybe Top, at best, and I don't mean that as to be insulting.

quote:

LadyMoonshine wrote: My partner does do some spontaneously 'Domish' things. eg. earlier on he spanked me with somthing he found laying on my desk. I do believe that he is capable of having a dominating side but just doesnt know what to do with it. Also i thin at times he sees it as a game and not as a serious thing.


And that is not a bad thing, in and of itself. Play is fun, but if you have a deep need for something else, it could get bumpy.

(in reply to Sitara)
Profile   Post #: 13
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