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What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/4/2011 8:28:50 PM

Whatfun

Posts: 6
Joined: 5/1/2011
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I am new to BDSM and learning more and more about myself and my submissiveness. I know what's in it for me, but I don't quite understand what you dominants get out of being dominant. It seems to me like the whole thing is a lot more work for you than for us submissives.

I ask this with a genuine interest, no sarcasm is intended. What is the appeal of being in control? For those with sadistic tendencies, can you describe for me why it is pleasurable to spank/flog/whip another and what is it about the helplessness or fear of the submissive that turns you on (if it does)?

I expect that the answer is a little different for everyone, so I am just asking what you personally get out of it if you are dominant and/or sadistic.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

Post #: 1

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/4/2011 8:39:01 PM

ClassIsInSession

Posts: 305
Joined: 7/26/2010
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Intrinsic to human nature is a need to feel in control...in fact studies show that the more in control we feel with regard to our lives, the more happiness we experience. With that as a basis, most people are content to take that merely to the level that they feel they can handle the day to day of life, their responsibilities and the various aspects of life, love, health, money, time...as the extent of it. For a Dominant, however, it is the control aspect refined down to a much deeper level, and in gaining the "control" of another, at least for me, the pleasure comes from guiding another to become their fullest potential as a human being, as viewed through my own personal perspective and then certainly reaping the benefits of having that person in turn devote themselves to my pleasure.

As to the sadistic aspects of Domination, it is the ability to give and take away, to create love or fear, and to see these reactions invoked, mentally, physically emotionally that has the root appeal.

Is it more work? If you think so, perhaps your experience with Dominants haven't been with very strict or demanding examples. Often it has been my experience that while the front end of a relationship may involve more work or preparation on my end, as things progress my life gets much easier...and that is how I view the benefit of being a Dominant. It frees my time up from the mundane, and reduces my stress levels so that I can go about spending my time, focus and energy on the things that make a more significant impact on my future and the future of whomever I'm involved with vicariously.

(in reply to Whatfun)

Post #: 2

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/4/2011 10:35:42 PM

ForcedEntry4her

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline

I was taking my first slave to a sex shop. She was a powerful in "control women", except with me. She couldn't understand why she reacted they way she did when I told what was going to happen her, when I told her what we were going to do. I purchased her first cane there that night. She was speechless. She couldn't utter a word. She just stared at me. Her heart pounded. Her mouth was dry. In the car I had her pull her panties down and show me her pussy. I slid my fingers into her drenched cunt. I pulled my fingers out and had her suck my fingers clean.

I had not so much as touched her before that moment. The only words I used in the store were "this is for you..."

She gave me her heart, soul and body. She gave me everything. She gave me her absolute trust to be what she wanted and needed.

That gift was more than any women had ever given me before. Absolute blind faith that I would not kill her as I took her breathe, that I would drain her of all of her fear and instill the intimate terror she craved.

That trust, love, honesty, and faith meant more to me than any ring. Nothing turned me on more than to know I was in control of guiding her to new levels of passion, pleasure, fear, and trust.

All of the work, communication and foundation building was worth it to me. She was mine heart and soul. I could truly express myself in the presence of such honesty. I could use her for my every whim knowing it fed her more than anything she had ever hoped to have.

I hope that answers some of your question.

She died of breast cancer 15 months ago. Rest in peace baby....

(in reply to ClassIsInSession)

Post #: 3

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/4/2011 11:01:08 PM

TheShrew

Posts: 519
Joined: 2/15/2009
From: The state I live in? Confusion.
Status: offline

Very nice first post. I'm sorry for your loss.

_____________________________

.. and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music ..

Snark ~ Just another free service I generously provide.

(in reply to ForcedEntry4her)

Post #: 4

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/4/2011 11:14:22 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whatfun
It seems to me like the whole thing is a lot more work for you than for us submissives.

Not to knock your question or anything, but come to our house for a day or so and see who is doing more work ;)

I know for my Lord, he gets to be who he is with no pretense; he gets to have his house and his life pretty much just like he wants it. He gets to be in a relationship where his will is done. For him sadism is just fun. He gets a rush out of being sadistic.

For myself as his slave, I get to be exactly who I am with no pretense. I get to be in a relationship where I do his will and that fulfills me beyond measure.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Whatfun)

Post #: 5

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 12:23:38 AM

AneNoz

Posts: 263
Joined: 4/26/2011
Status: offline

This query is of a difficult nature to answer. Dominance and sadism are not of the same nature. Each requires a different compliment. Each demands a different skill, and each as well delivers a different reward.

As a Domina, my reward is the knowing I have power. The knowing that the life of my Beloveds is in my hands. To uplift or cast down, to enrich or impoverish, to build upon or to break, to nourish or to end. All as I will. It is here that is found the thrill, therein is the reward. To hold a life in one's hand as one would a figurine of glass, having the power to polish or shatter. And it allows my indulgence of sadism.

As a sadist, my reward is at once greater and more difficult to explain. My sadism requires a masochist to be completed. My joy is found in one who finds her release in suffering. Her joy is found in one who finds release in inflicting suffering. This symbiosis, this interaction is bliss. The joy, for me, comes not only in her screams, but in the passion and lust concealed beneath her screams. As lovers do my Beloveds and I approach the abyss, together we seek the clarity of soul that only the sharing of great pain can reveal. And it is as lovers that we achieve a sexual release beyond any other. It is to orgasm as the ocean is to a puddle. And thus we know ourselves, and through such knowing born of sharing we come to know one another.

This is as most likely common to most, but to my Beloveds and I, also it is more. It is a thing of a religious magnitude to my Beloveds and I, it is our own sacrament peculiar to us. It is an act of worship and devotion. The suffering of my Beloveds is a gift from me to my Goddess and a gift from my Goddess to me. This reciprocation brings me closer to my Goddess, and brings to me a small understanding. Understanding of life, understanding of death, and understanding of the suffering of the Lord of my Goddess, who was slain and lives still. And with this understanding I glimpse, but briefly, that which is real. The world as it is, pure, whole and naked. Stripped of all pretense and deceit, as it was when first imagined by He Who Dreams, before the material corruption of the Chaos. And thus I come to know reality not as it is, but as it was intended to be.

This is not the path of all to the truth, it is but my own. Each must find the path of their own. And this is as it should be.

Be at peace
Aneka

(in reply to Whatfun)

Post #: 6

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 6:18:03 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The Man is always the one in control. People naturally gravitate to him for help. He always solves the problems. That's control.

When it comes to play, I have no freaking clue why he wants to do all that. I get to lie there and be tied up and have incredible orgasms. He does all the work. I tried to figure out what on earth he gets out of it, but don't understand since I'm not in the least toppy. He says that it's artistic for him, and my body is his canvas. But basically, all I can do is accept him at his word, that he does get sufficient satisfaction in order to do this. Oh yeah, and show my gratitude to him.

You either believe your top or you don't. If you do, then you accept that this is worthwhile for them even though you don't see any draw to it. And you express your gratitude that you've found the yin to your yang.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to AneNoz)

Post #: 7

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 7:22:54 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

What do I get from being anything that I am?

It's having a place to be, somewhere I'm comfortable.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 7:49:08 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

when I am topping, I enjoy it.. it's FUN!!

hmm.. same applies when I am bottoming..

ok, FUN is the answer for me :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 8:12:26 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

What do I get out of being in control? That seems like an odd question. I get a blowjob whenever I want.... or for that matter.... pretty much anything else whenever I want. I also like the feeling of responsibility. There's a bit of a power rush for me but that's pretty minimal. I'm used to wielding authority. Most importantly though, I get to be the one who paints the picture of our marriage for the two of us. So that means I get the highly intimate, highly loving marriage of my dreams.

I'm not a sadist so the answer is "nothing" on that one.

Separate from "control" is "ownership" and my answer there is a lot more like other people's on this thread. Owning Carol someone feels right. Given that "ownership" is entirely imaginary and has no practical utility that one always surprises me... it's unlike me. But there you have it anyway.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Whatfun)

Post #: 10

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 8:40:14 AM

Whatfun

Posts: 6
Joined: 5/1/2011
Status: offline

Wow, I am grateful for all the helpful replies to my question.

ClassIsInSession: Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Perhaps it is because I am still in the “front end” that it seems like it is so much more work for him compared to me.
ForcedEntry4Her: Yes, thank you, that does answer my question. Sorry for your loss.
KyraofMists: LOL! Thanks. The pampering and housework are things I would do anyway, and they mostly don’t feel like work to me.
Aneka: Thanks – very poetic! Your writing is like music.
DesFIP, DarkSteven, GreedyTop: Thanks!
Jeff: Thanks and interesting that you enjoy the responsibility.

You all have given me a bit of understanding, though I don't think I will ever fully understand as I don't relate (don't want the things you are getting). Which is why I am a submissive and not a dominant. Great how it all works out so that what one seeks the other gives and vice versa.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 11

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 8:54:26 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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Well, to be fair. The responsibility itself sucks. But honorably discharging that responsibility feels very, very good. The responsibility itself just serves as a test for my honor and like most tests... it sucks ~chuckles~

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Whatfun)

Post #: 12

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 1:57:30 PM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
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I think we get the fulfillment of living congruent to our nature and beliefs... Being a Dominant is a lot of work at times but so is owning a pet or having a garden or lots of things that bring happiness. The work and responsibility involved seem like a small price to pay to be able to live out our desires, needs and the lifestyle we crave. I actually think it's the same for slaves, yes they get a lot of attention in SM and D/s but they also have a lot of work to do, they have to do things they don't like and things they do like when they aren't in the mood etc... and they do that because it is what they need to do in order to be one with themselves and find fulfillment in life. I think it's the same drive for sadists and masochists, dominants and submissives, Masters and slave... it's who we are.

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 13

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 2:14:14 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Dominant part - it's the position within a dynamic where I am being who I am. The basic fulfillment angle.

Sadistic part - just plain fun.

It can be kind of tough to understand why other people are different than us. For example, I'm Dominant, so when I look inside Myself and see what I get out of it, My first reaction can be "how can anyone want to be anything else?" Yet, I have to recognize that not everyone is like Me. They get their fulfillment from being the reverse.

Think of all of the reasons why you are happy in the submissive role. Then apply the same in the opposite to understand why people enjoy the other side of the kneel.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to submittous)

Post #: 14

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 2:48:31 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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Hey everybody -
I also want to thank folks for seriously answering this - I totally don't get it either. Why on earth would you want to work that hard? But I guess that what for one person is work, for the other is fun.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 3:07:10 PM

PdxJ

Posts: 195
Status: offline

@ ForcedEntry4her - beautifully put and great first post. I am sorry for your loss.

OP:
Being dominate with a submissive to me is . . . . . . . almost like a completion. Having a submissive fills an area within that is otherwise barren.
Furthermore, it gives me a further purpose being in control of a 2nd life. My sense of responsibility is a bit over-defined.

Being sadistic is. . . . . .well, lol, fun. Though it goes beyond just fun and enjoyment.
Like domination it completes a circuit but it also relieves stress and much like subs get addicted to sub-space, many doms find the rush of 'dom' space is just as intoxicating.

Excellent thread, by the way.

_____________________________

Imagine what you could learn if you could learn to imagine.

the 'Official Sunny Stalker'

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

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RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 4:00:38 PM

Whiplashsmile4

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Joined: 12/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

when I am topping, I enjoy it.. it's FUN!!

hmm.. same applies when I am bottoming..

ok, FUN is the answer for me :)

Now Now, you are making things way too easy!! LOL

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 17

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/5/2011 4:09:03 PM

Whiplashsmile4

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Joined: 12/2/2008
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Whatfun, It all depends upon the mood or mode that I'm in with what I get out of it. It's not for any one single reason, but that for a number things. I get a hell of a lot of out it. Again, just not any one specific thing. It also varies some according to who I am with. You will find you get different things out of different ones in the different relationships you have with them. So with that alone, you gain the understanding better of what remains a constant from relationship to relationship... to those interesting things that might even never thought about.

There are so many things I get out and have gotten out of it, that it's not funny. Including exploring myself and who I am as human being through them. So yeah, I take pleasure. There times when I might even face moments of personal horror that I have to resolve inside my head. Like OMG, I just did that to them? WOW!! However, it's amazing afterwards to be held and touched and still loved and respected by that very same person. (Priceless Alone)

So, if you think us Dominant ain't getting much or very little out of it, you are sadly under estimating what we truly do and how much it is.

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to Whatfun)

Post #: 18

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/6/2011 2:31:19 AM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

master says he likes the feeling of control over me and seeing my pleasure development and happiness makes him happy. he isnt sadistic but i am a pain slut and when he belts me or whatever he gets hsuge pleasure form me being in space knowing he put me there and from the control he has over me. it fulfills his needs ok i odnt pretend to understand how being domnante can fulfill them but then he says he sould never be where i am. knwoing he can ask me to do what he wants and hwo he watns it turns him on.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 19

RE: What do you get out of being a dominant or sadistic? - 6/6/2011 3:16:04 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

I get lots of really good blow jobs...

(and slaves make pretty good maids,masseuses, computer repairpeople, personal assistants etc...)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)

Post #: 20

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