How long does it take to find "THE ONE?"

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How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 7:24:52 PM

poolman9276

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/26/2004
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As a dom reviewing profiles in search of a sub, I see in a number of them the remark that the woman has finally found "the one" after searching for so long. This both surprises and reassures me. Considering that we have at our disposal such a readily accessible and targeted database as this one, I would have thought the search would be easier, almost like going shopping, picking out what you want, and taking it home.

Not so, apparently. Often, the response to my letters is a nice no-thank-you, or (more often) just dead air. Even when it catches hold, it's precarious. A few weeks ago, I had an intense series of exchanges with someone, convinced she was on the verge of saying yes, only to then be abruptly dropped without explanation.

I mean, I know how these things work – you look and look, and then it blindsides you out of nowhere, and your world changes forever (or so it seems). Yet until that magic moment (and I've had a few in my life) it can seem like such a hopeless grind – so many dashed hopes and false starts.

For those of us still on the nether side of that great happening, would anyone like to share on the subject – both from the perspective of being IN the process of searching and the perspective of having found a compatible partner? How long did you have to wait? How long have you been waiting now? And what about the bumps along the way?

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 7:43:08 PM

msjingles

Posts: 27
Joined: 10/9/2004
From: Idaho
Status: offline

Hello,

For myself, I've been technically looking for 6 years but really since I was about 12 :)
I'm starting to think that he doesn't exist and have had that notion for a few years now...but now and then someone comes along that gives a hint of possibility. They haven't worked out but I have learned a lot along the way.

What works for me is to just forget the destination and simply enjoy the journey...even if it's a bumpy ride now and then

(in reply to poolman9276)

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 7:49:44 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

As the saying goes (sorta):

It takes as long as it takes to find them.

I think it varies on a lot of things - where a person is philosophically, psychologically, in terms of their inner growth, inner knowledge, inner maturity, and how accurately they really see and know themselves as they actually are - with no masks on.

I am often seen saying that if you keep finding yourself alone, that might be life's way of telling you that you need to sit down and really take some time to reflect on YOU - absent of another person, and really SEE where you need to go. I see a lot of people holding off on their inner work in themselves waiting for "the one" - when the reality may be that until they address certain things in themselves they need to address "the one" will NOT be remotely interested or inclined to go there.

I dunno I see a lot of people waiting to live life, experience things, grow, do their inner work, all waiting for this special person to come into their lives and hold their hand and help guide them where they imagine they'd like to be, rather than taking the bull by the horns and doing all that WHILE they are waiting. And yanno chances are if they are working on it, "the one" will be a thousand times more attracted to an active, vital, motivated individual seeking to better themselves than someone just waiting on the doorstop for someone to inspire that change.

Not saying this applies to *you* just what I see a LOT of in the people I have run across.

People most often tend to be their biggest obstacle, from what I see anyway.

~ShadeDiva

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 8:11:07 PM

msjingles

Posts: 27
Joined: 10/9/2004
From: Idaho
Status: offline

ShadeDiva,
I agree with you wholeheartedly. One must be comfortable with and find themselves before they can share it with another.

Sometimes though, finding yourself alone is preferrable and by choice if you know what you want and will settle for nothing less. Some people are so afraid to be alone that they try to be with anyone that sorta fits. "Sorta fits" rarely works out or at the very least, is less fullfilling.

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 9:06:10 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

Well yanno, how does that old saying go...

One must be still in order to hear their silence.

Something like that.

Sometimes we get so caught up running to do this or that or planning thigs, or our minds are running in all directions, we are basically surrounding our souls with chatter, which can often lead to not really HEARING yourself.

It's one reason I find meditation so empowering, and I have a thousand ways in which I meditate.

My favorite is going out into nature away from any road traffic, taking off my shoes, digging my toes into the earth, and just ... being.

Not doing anything, not having a purpose other than to feel the moment, listen to the trees sing, the grass grow, the breeze murmer and the clouds drift and just .... be. Saturate yourself in the fact you are alive, the earth is cradling you, and that it is GOOD to simply ... be ... and rejoyce in being. I know ... sounds hokey, LOL! But SO energizing and recharging and refreshing and healing, on a soul level.

Even better if there is water around, rivers and creeks being the best, though a lake or pond will do, and the BEST being the ocean.

In the rush to experience life, we often run right past the most essential and truest things life has to experience, and that is a sense of being and self - that is a large part of what being a sentient life form is to me.

Stop and smell the roses was a good saying, and it has so many levels, as trite or cliqué as it might sound.

We all have our inner journeys to make, and a lot of time its that inner work that is ignored that causes us not to be in the space we dream and hope to find ourselves in. To not seek what things one needs to work on inside of themselves, only serves to delay one in reaching that space - and has seemed to be a common problem in folks discontent with their lot.

Least that's how it seems to me anyways.

~ShadeDiva

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~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 9:15:22 PM

cynnacent1

Posts: 340
Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
Status: offline

It happened very quickly for me poolman. With a very strong interest in BDSM, no real experience, and no doubt of always having been submissive i took the first step & began a serious venture in looking for the One for me by registering at collarme on June 25, 2004. Sent Him an email on June 26th, not knowing He had sent me one already. We arranged to meet the next day. i've been His since, and remain so infinitely. Read more here --> http://www.collarme.com/forum/The_fates_were_with_us/m_31865/tm.htm

i know it takes much longer for most to find who & what they are seeking. i guess W/we are an exception to rules ... for that, i am thankful.

Don't give up. It's possible. Once it happens, it is absolute pure bliss.

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 9:15:55 PM

msjingles

Posts: 27
Joined: 10/9/2004
From: Idaho
Status: offline

Damn, now you have me longing for the ocean again *sigh*

I try to go at least once a year to "meditate" as you say :)
Wish I could go everyday!

One of the best times I had was this past June when I took the kid to Hawaii.
We went to the beach every morning to snorkel with the turtles and just "be there".
Sitting in the sand or floating in the waves... watching, listening, not saying anything and just being, it was the best.

I probably ruined it for next year though since I went three times this year LOL
Maybe I should move?

(in reply to ShadeDiva)

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 9:40:10 PM

ThornBlood

Posts: 91
Joined: 3/5/2004
Status: offline

Yeah.. sometimes I just wander out and watch a sunset...

Or I used to go out and just be with my animals... Hug a dog.. or just watch them.

But one of the oddest ways I ever got into a trancendental state was of all places a suntan booth. Just lying in there, listening to the hum and feeling the warmth would start to put me right under. lol... wasn't going for the suntan part after a while.

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/11/2004 10:09:18 PM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

As I mentioned before, Master always knew what he was looking for and was online since time of message boards. People he found offline, he never had a lt relationship of anykind. ::laughing:: he joked that many people thought he was gay since he never seemed to be in a relationship with a woman. His mother told him the kind of woman he wanted *didn't exist* in present day society.

Master started looking as young as he remembers. We got together when he was 34. I had been looking for a master for 3 years when we met... but not really that actively.. I was still coming off of a bad end to a very long marriage and was more into play than relationships.... I'm lucky :)

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/12/2004 1:50:19 AM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

It took me about ten years from the time I started to really search, but I had some advantages and disadvantages in my search. I am very picky about who I sleep with, in that I feel that physical intimacy is an extension of emotional and intellectual intimacy. I understand that a lot of people do not feel as strongly about this as I do, and in fact many of my friends will happily fall into bed with anyone for whom they feel "chemistry". I have also smugly noted that they fall out of bed just as quickly, and constantly complain about never being able to find a person whom they can love, respect, and whom they really are compatable with.

Very early on, I began to compile a "list" of what traits I wanted in my eventual One. This was back in high school, or maybe junior high - I was pretty young at the time. I began to weed through the wishlist, figuring out which traits were absolutely nessesary, and which ones would just be a nice bonus. Eventually, I began to date, and the list was a large part of my criteria for whether I wanted to be involved with somebody.

Heh. After a few false starts, I realised there was another, less romantic list. A list of the traits my lovers absolutely could not have. That was a learning experience.

As it turns out, there's a whole chain of mishap and circumstance which led me to eventually meeting Millisa, but she matched the list absolutely perfectly. Okay, she didn't have all of the "bonus" items, but she made up for it by having innumerable positive traits that it would have never occurred to me to compile. So, while it took me ten years to find her, and anotherfour to convince her to marry me, my search could have taken a whole lot longer. My list was pretty long and I wasn't about to compromise on it (of course, that also freed me by allowing me to sort through prospective partners a bit more quickly). Luck was on my side, but so was patience and perserverence.

Buck up - Even if the person you want is a one-in-a-million type, just remember that there are billions of people in the world, which leaves about 6000 matches. All you have to do is keep looking.

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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/12/2004 8:11:18 AM

Thanatosian

Posts: 765
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
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Shade beat me to it - It takes as long as it takes, and not a moment less or more

which kinda sucks, but I have to continue to believe that, when that 'one' does come into my life, she will have been worth the wait (which ties in nicely with my closet romanticism, in my mind)

Just my tuppence

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/12/2004 8:24:28 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Shade beat me to it - It takes as long as it takes, and not a moment less or more

And they often pop up in your life when you least expect it.

Yes, I agree somewhat with the notion of chance. But there are things you can do to put chance on your side.

Funny I was chatting with stef (our very own lovely sfgrrl) last night and she posted to me "Chance favours the prepared mind." Well her and Louis Pasteur (original source) are right! You can't sit idly by and wait for it all to fall in your lap. You have to be out there, putting your best foot forward.

If you send positive attitudes out there, you'll get good stuff back. If you send out negative or needy vibes out, you won't find that bliss.

That's my take on it anyways ;)

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/12/2004 11:07:46 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Poolman, you might post a different pic for starters. Lol.
You never really know when it will happen, but I think the worst thing to do is seem desperate. It is a good idea to be visible though. I have had so many subs contact me because of what I have posted on the message boards. It is a good way for people to get to know you.

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/13/2004 4:18:58 AM

MistressKiss

Posts: 295
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ShadeDiva, my dear, you always seem to make sense and certainly have a great head on your shoulders...good advice, as usual.

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/13/2004 6:44:54 AM

poolman9276

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for your comments. And thank you, Estring, for suggesting I use a different picture. (Did you mean here or in my profile?) I thought the one I used here suggested intellect and laid-back-ness -- reading a book while my slave in her pretty little French maid's outfit flits about dusting the antiques (!), though maybe it says "couch potato," which I'm not. If you meant my profile pic, I'll zap it immediately. Anyway, here's one just standing, like you. If this one doesn't bring the subs to my door (OMG, he looks exactly like Tom Cruise!!), I don't know what I'll do -- maybe grow a bandito mustache like you. Try for the Saddam look. This might be a good topic for discussion -- what makes for a good photo here?

Thank you all, again.

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/13/2004 1:13:25 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

I have had so many subs contact me because of what I have posted on the message boards.

And all this time I thought it was because of the "Stern & Rugged" look ;)

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/13/2004 2:34:09 PM

Nvernilla

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
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The harder you look the longer it takes...Mike

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/13/2004 2:51:05 PM

serenity2u

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/9/2004
From: MSN
Status: offline

It has taken me 7 years online to find the suitable one yet I have built much patience in finding the one of my Choice..You make a list and place on it what you want in a person ,that way when you meet someone interesting you will see the similarities .. Patience my friend,I have it ,you can too..I have met many and I have been hurt by many because I rushed and thought maybe they were the right person,I was wrong and so I am hopefully going to meet a new Dom and hopefully this will be the right one.But we never know unless we communicate and ask questions.. Good luck to you and myself life is just starting again for me so I hope it does for you as well..But make sure that person is unattached completely first.. enjoy and have fun serenity

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serenity

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RE: How long does it take to find "THE ONE?" - 10/13/2004 4:22:01 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressKiss
ShadeDiva, my dear, you always seem to make sense and certainly have a great head on your shoulders...good advice, as usual.

Awww thank you Kiss - ½ the time I'm not always sure if what spews forth from my keyboard makes any real sense, it's sorta like my heart and soul takes over and verbally vomits (nice image, huh? LOL) whatever it feels is right to say.

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

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