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Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/6/2011 10:21:59 AM

Arpig

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While making my terribley insightful reply to DeviantMan's "Something came into my mind" thread { http://www.collarchat.com/m_3708536/mpage_1/tm.htm }, I realised there was an aspect of the CM experience I knew nothing about...

We all know that straight women (Dominant or submissive) are the ones who get the mail. Their in-boxes are stuffed with messages from straight men. While the men's in-boxes are often full of cobwebs.

My question is directed at our non-hetero brothers and sisters, and is about the mail-imbalance phenomenon in relation to same sex relationships.

1. In male/male relationships, is it primarily the Doms who pursue the subs, or the other way round? Who's in-box gets the bulk of the messages?

2. Same questions in relation to female/female relationships?

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/6/2011 10:46:25 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I get offers from dommes often, even though I am listed as a straight submissive.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/6/2011 11:23:00 AM

LaTigresse

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I probably get the most emails from men......

I don't do much emailing for the purpose of creating a relationship. I've come to the conclusion that it just isn't the best format for me, for that type of communication. I rarely email someone I haven't already got some sort of rapport with. And most would say that I don't even do that very well, or often enough.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/6/2011 11:56:14 AM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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I'm not really looking for anything, so much to my surprise, that actually does cut down on the amount of mail I get. If I'm here, I get about 5 or 6 pieces of mail a week from men. I get about 1 every two months from a woman.. but "she's" often not a woman from what I can tell.

I don't think I'm typical.. but that's my experience.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/6/2011 3:38:59 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I get a lot from sub males. And not offers, but demands, from dommes. Usually very young and mass mailing everyone I presume hoping to get a tribute.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/6/2011 4:21:39 PM

Muttling

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I get tons of e-mails. Mostly from hot babes in other countries who have inherited great wealth and want me to hide it for them while we have raunchy sex.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/6/2011 4:55:15 PM

coookie

Posts: 541
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lol Muttling.

I get lovely compliments from dominant women and then when i thank then they call me names like "nasty pathetic whore"

Good talk.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/7/2011 6:01:00 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
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i'm hetero fem sub and i get mail (not a lot) from all different people, some rude but more nice

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/7/2011 7:57:26 AM

strangedesire

Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
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I occasionally get emails from female submissives, although they rarely strike me as genuine. There really aren't that many local women that interest me on CM, though.

On Fetlife, I'll get contacts from female submissives, but the rules are different over there. It's much easier to find someone through a mutual friend, or begin flirting by commenting on a picture.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/7/2011 8:10:32 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
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I have gotten emails from gay women, from sub women and from Dommes; same as with male subs and male Doms.

If they are nice and interesting I will chat with them, if they come off like douchebags, I tell them so.

The thing that annoys me the most is when sub women write to me asking if I want to meet their man. Grrrrrrr. The fact that my profile states no couples seems to elude them.

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Post #: 10

RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/7/2011 6:35:15 PM

Arpig

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Thanks to LaT and Madame4a for your responses. While two answers doesn't really make a reliable sample, but what the Hell, its what I have to work with. So far the results seem to be:

1) Straights and bisexuals are incredibly arrogant and heterocentrist in their thinking. For some reason they think their experiences are somehow relevant to a question about the experiences of non straight/bi people.
2) Lesbian Dommes get more mail from sub men than from anybody else, and rarely get mail from lesbians of any description.
3) Lesbian subs and gay men of either persuasion get no mail whatsoever.

Not the results I expected, but somewhat interesting all the same.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/7/2011 6:51:05 PM

strangedesire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
1) Straights and bisexuals are incredibly arrogant and heterocentrist in their thinking. For some reason they think their experiences are somehow relevant to a question about the experiences of non straight/bi people.

What the fuck, man? You asked a question about women messaging other women, and get pissy when people who don't tick the correct boxes respond? Did you think that "bisexual" only means "bisexual when men are watching"?

Tell my girlfriend that I'm heterocentrist. She'll laugh.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 12:28:00 AM

BendingGender

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Bisexual here, which means I'm either half a gay or greedy. Take your pick.

At the moment I'm not actively looking to find "the one"... or even "one of the many"... not that I wouldn't happily accept that development were it to simply occur over time. That said, I enjoy making new friends, especially as I've just moved from California to Washington, and know almost no one here. So, if I see a profile that catches my eye, and their interests seem... er, interesting... I'll send them a quick, friendly note. Some of them get back to me. Some of them don't. And the world keeps revolving.

I'm not sure that I'd change my tactic all that much if I were looking. I'm a casual sort, and I prefer things just sort of click into place. I'd still send out friendly missives to strike up a conversation with people I was interested in, though I might be just the slightest bit more direct... and hopefully the pot would eventually boil.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 9:56:47 AM

Arpig

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From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

You asked a question about women messaging other women

No, close, but no cigar. In actuality, I asked a question about the direction of the mail flow for people seeking same sex relationships. The fact that you are bisexual and have a girlfriend is utterly irrelevant since your profile states that you are only seeking men. That, for the purposes of my question, makes your inbox the same as a straight Domme's.

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Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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Post #: 14

RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 10:04:47 AM

Arpig

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From: Increasingly further from reality
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Thanks BG. With regards to men specifically, do you get approached more often than you approach?

And before anybody gets "pissy" with me because he's a bisexual, his profile states he is seeking men...so his input is relevant.

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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Post #: 15

RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 10:22:30 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

When I first joined CM, I was looking for a female sub. At that time, I had the "seeking sub/switch women" boxes checked. However, I was also in my late 30s and engaged to be married to a man, which I made clear. (I'm bi, btw.) I got very little mail. The pages upon pages of email so many women complain about? Yeah, not in my mailbox. Not quite the dusty cavern of the average man on CM, but certainly nothing to write home about, as it were.

What few messages I did get were either men who blatantly didn't care that I had NO MEN tattooed across the top of my profile in big, flashing neon lights, or scammers. I sent out some messages but received very little response. I'd guess I had about the same response percentage as the average dominant male. Eventually, I just quit messaging people unless I knew them from the boards.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 10:41:05 AM

LanceHughes

Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline

Gay male Dom here. <Qualifing myself and thereby increasing data available tremendously - LOL!>

I've got to go get 'em.

Hate all the Foreign <emphasis on European> "Who's viewing your profile."
Especially HATE the one liners - "Cool pic, man" when they haven't read profile.

I get my share of female rich young females that need their inheritances hidden or whatever. How very easy for me to filter them OUT. Block, report, delete is your FRIEND!!! Side bar - actually once a few <not sure how few, but am very sure it's under 10> ...... once a few users report a profile, the system makes them go POOF! auto-magic-ally

SO, what DO I "get" that's good? Well, earlier this year, I had a long trip to East Coast <from Denver> so I did some research and found a few opportunities to meet folks as I drove hither and yon. Worked for me. Got 20 miles to the gallon - YMMV - Your milage might vary. LOL!

On that trip, got to meet face-to-face one of the CMers I had "met" thru our mutual postings on these here message boards.

My home page here comes up with a set o'-filters, so I do pick up on new-to-CM locals.

As I said above, "I've got to go get 'em."

Regards, Lance

<edited for typo>

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 6/8/2011 10:55:41 AM >

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 11:33:04 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
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From: Increasingly further from reality
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Good post Lance!! Your response, while increasing the gay male Dom data pool enormously didn't really change the conclusion...LOL.

So what this is starting to look like is that as far as the gender being sought goes...gay Doms/Dommes are pretty much in the same boat as straight Doms: a few of the inappropriate gender and almost none of the appropriate gender, and of course a fairly frequent salting of the ubiquitous Nigerian and Ghanaian subs.

(Did you ever notice just how many Masters die in tragic circumstances in those two countries? They must have really done some fucked up shit at some point to so royally piss off the Gods of Kink, eh?)

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Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 11:50:47 AM

strangedesire

Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

The fact that you are bisexual and have a girlfriend is utterly irrelevant since your profile states that you are only seeking men. That, for the purposes of my question, makes your inbox the same as a straight Domme's.

You know, I looked at my profile, and you're right. I didn't have the "seeking women" boxes checked. I must've gotten frustrated with the latest batch of scammers started messaging me. However, for most of the 3+ years I've had an active profile here, I've been seeking women equally, if not exclusively. I even had the stupid little boxes checked.

Let me quote the lead-in from your actual question for you:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

My question is directed at our non-hetero brothers and sisters

If you'd like to amend your question to something about the way tick-boxes affect messaging patterns, by all means, go right ahead. However, if you're interested in the experiences of non-hetero people on this site, creating filters that exclude the voices of actual queer people using the site because they aren't gay enough for you kind of misses the point.

Protip: Bisexual-identified people answering questions about "non-hetero" messaging patterns isn't heterosexist. A straight man telling a queer woman that she is "the same as a straight Domme" because she sometimes peruses men is pretty damn heterosexist, though. You may just have been extremely unclear with what you wanted in your original question, but an appropriate response would have been to clarify what you were seeking, not to chastise everyone who didn't read your mind.

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RE: Relative mail volumes: Gay vs. Straight - 6/8/2011 12:02:07 PM

BendingGender

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Thanks BG. With regards to men specifically, do you get approached more often than you approach?

And before anybody gets "pissy" with me because he's a bisexual, his profile states he is seeking men...so his input is relevant.

I should ask whether or not I'm meant to filter out the emails that are very clearly not going to work out. Since updating my profile to reflect my recent change of address, I've gotten a handful of emails from people in other states, and even other countries. As I'm not interested in relocating, nor am I in the position to relocate someone, I'd have to pass no matter how well a match a person might seem at first blush. Not that any of them have thus far... And I'm pretty sure that two or three of them have been spam messages sent out to every Tom, Dick, and Hairy just for the sake of trolling.

I'd also probably rule out the few offers of "online submission" I've gotten from a few guys, seeing as how I'm not interested.

At the moment, I'm not contacting very many people, so my inbox has been a bit busier than my outbox, but I suspect that's only because a goodly portion of the emails I'm getting are not actual inquiries from people looking to connect with me because of anything I've said in my profile.

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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ~Andre Gide
The future influences the present just as much as the past. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ~George Carlin (RIP)

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Post #: 20

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