Dealing with insecurities

Dealing with insecurities (Full Version)

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OnlyHis -> Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 7:38:12 AM)
Whether your sub or slave live with you , nearby or far away how do you help them get over or around their insecurities? Do you find that there is something positive comes out of the insecurities? I myself have had my share of insecurities and i likely will have more in the future. Most often i have found that this causes me to reevaluate what i have with Master and i know i have a wonderful relationship with Him. He and i know that being away from Him causes me to have these insecurities and that when i finally can return to Him they will fade like a morning sunset. Till then i must trust in all that Master has built with me , have faith in Master and His decisions and remember where i am happiest and why.

CrappyDom -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 8:31:37 AM)
Rose, Insecurity arises from within and can only be dealt with by you, although others can help, you have to do the heavy lifting. Develop what is called an inner observer, it is a sort of watcher in the back of your head that is detached from what is going on. When you get a hard pang of insecurity, try and look back to see what is really behind it. This stuff is very much like an onion, you keep peeling back layers to find a brand new one underneath it, but as you do so, the insecurities do tend to lose their power. Another thing that helps is finding someone safe to talk to about them. I have found that when I drag my terriffying inner demons out into the sunshine, they lose much of their hold over me. So, anytime you have a reaction that seems too strong, out of place, look inward to see what is driving it and you will be surprised at what you find. Bottom line, insecurity comes from a lack of self worth on some level. The thought of losing ones partner will make anyone insecure. However, is that fear brought on when they go to the store or when they play with a new casual partner, the former isn't healthy and the latter one is a bit more realistic. For ME, when I first entered the scene I had a flare up of insecurity because the women who find me attractive are ones many others do as well, something a bit less true in my vanilla life. Since I play in a rather large pond (San Francisco) there are some very very big fish. To deal with that, I had to come to a place where I could tell myself that women do find me attractive and thus it is likely that my mate does so as well. If she leaves me, it isn't because I am worthless (or too perverted, or insert your worry here) but because we are on different paths and her choice is about her, not me. So my approach to helping someone deal with insecurities is to first let them know it is okay to have them. Surprising how much that helps. I then have them repeat little mantras, cheesy but it does work. Things like "I am talented" or "I am worth loving", so in your case you have to find what it is you feel you aren't and find a way to teach yourself that you are. Another thing that is harder than most will admit is have a dominant who is consistent and reliable, something I am much better at than I was years ago but am far from perfect. I also play with those insecurities, in a constructive way. Say you think you are ugly, I would slowly start to push you to take better care of yourself. Buy you things that you would be too embarrassed to wear and praise you in them. I would do it on a very subtle level because if it is over the top, it doesn't sink in. This is tricky stuff at this end, but it can be done with love, and real open and honest listening by both of you (google "mirroring" as a communication skill). Another think that is crucial is your dominant cannot expect progress, there can be no disappointment that you are not "fixed". This is a process that is slow and pretty much continues till you die. Trying to force it generally ends in disaster. I would highly recommended reading Consensual Sadomasochism and Tantric Loving.

Sab -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 9:18:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Rose, Insecurity arises from within and can only be dealt with by you, although others can help, you have to do the heavy lifting. Develop what is called an inner observer, it is a sort of watcher in the back of your head that is detached from what is going on. When you get a hard pang of insecurity, try and look back to see what is really behind it. This stuff is very much like an onion, you keep peeling back layers to find a brand new one underneath it, but as you do so, the insecurities do tend to lose their power. Another thing that helps is finding someone safe to talk to about them. I have found that when I drag my terriffying inner demons out into the sunshine, they lose much of their hold over me. So, anytime you have a reaction that seems too strong, out of place, look inward to see what is driving it and you will be surprised at what you find. Bottom line, insecurity comes from a lack of self worth on some level. The thought of losing ones partner will make anyone insecure. However, is that fear brought on when they go to the store or when they play with a new casual partner, the former isn't healthy and the latter one is a bit more realistic. For ME, when I first entered the scene I had a flare up of insecurity because the women who find me attractive are ones many others do as well, something a bit less true in my vanilla life. Since I play in a rather large pond (San Francisco) there are some very very big fish. To deal with that, I had to come to a place where I could tell myself that women do find me attractive and thus it is likely that my mate does so as well. If she leaves me, it isn't because I am worthless (or too perverted, or insert your worry here) but because we are on different paths and her choice is about her, not me. So my approach to helping someone deal with insecurities is to first let them know it is okay to have them. Surprising how much that helps. I then have them repeat little mantras, cheesy but it does work. Things like "I am talented" or "I am worth loving", so in your case you have to find what it is you feel you aren't and find a way to teach yourself that you are. Another thing that is harder than most will admit is have a dominant who is consistent and reliable, something I am much better at than I was years ago but am far from perfect. I also play with those insecurities, in a constructive way. Say you think you are ugly, I would slowly start to push you to take better care of yourself. Buy you things that you would be too embarrassed to wear and praise you in them. I would do it on a very subtle level because if it is over the top, it doesn't sink in. This is tricky stuff at this end, but it can be done with love, and real open and honest listening by both of you (google "mirroring" as a communication skill). Another think that is crucial is your dominant cannot expect progress, there can be no disappointment that you are not "fixed". This is a process that is slow and pretty much continues till you die. Trying to force it generally ends in disaster. I would highly recommended reading Consensual Sadomasochism and Tantric Loving. What he said! [sm=cool.gif]

OsideGirl -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 10:01:43 AM)
I'm going to add one more thing. Sometimes our partners actions are things that make us feel less secure. This doesn't mean it's deliberate and frequently it has to do with the differences within our personalities. What sets me off may not be what sets you off. This means that they may not understand it's a trigger to you, because to them it's nothing. By talking it out and being specific, both of you can modify your behaviors to ease the strain. Remember, that your feelings are your feelings. Don't let someone invalidate them, tell you they're silly, or to stop feeling them. They need to be dealt with head on or eventually they'll throw a big stick of dynamite into your relationship.

ginawithaB -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 10:30:16 AM)
quote: So my approach to helping someone deal with insecurities is to first let them know it is okay to have them. Surprising how much that helps. I then have them repeat little mantras, cheesy but it does work. Things like "I am talented" or "I am worth loving", so in your case you have to find what it is you feel you aren't and find a way to teach yourself that you are. Another thing that is harder than most will admit is have a dominant who is consistent and reliable, something I am much better at than I was years ago but am far from perfect. I also play with those insecurities, in a constructive way. Say you think you are ugly, I would slowly start to push you to take better care of yourself. Buy you things that you would be too embarrassed to wear and praise you in them. I would do it on a very subtle level because if it is over the top, it doesn't sink in. This is tricky stuff at this end, but it can be done with love, and real open and honest listening by both of you (google "mirroring" as a communication skill). First off CrappyDom...why "crappy?" You seem so far from "crappy," esp. in that last post of yours, esp in this excerpt of said post. At the risk of sounding inappropriate and/or disrespectful of my former Master...I so wish you could've taught him this methodology of yours. I freely admit I'm a handful to deal with...and I was very upfront and honest about my own insecurities and shortcomings, etc. But our relationship ultimately ended because we could not find a way to constructively deal with either my stuff and dare I say, his stuff. And too bad, because I think we are both really neat ppl, who just couldn't figure it all out.

fastlane -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 12:25:01 PM)
I was insecure at one time.....but now I am even more insecure. How do I deal with it....Drink heavily![:D] Grabs the lifeline, makes sure it's secure and begins his ascent to the Top. Hmmmm, I love it here, winks Kevin

fllmaster -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 2:02:29 PM)
I was insecure at one time. But now I have gotten over it, . . . . . haven't I? Sure wish someone would tell me!![:)][:)][sm=crop.gif]

bandit25 -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 2:08:00 PM)
gina, I think we've all gone thru something similar. Sometimes, the stuff is just too much!

HoosierScorpio -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 6:49:03 PM)
You need to figure out were these inscurities come from and try to understand why. To figure this out can help you to come to terms with and they will go away.

Sinergy -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/14/2006 8:37:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HoosierScorpio You need to figure out were these inscurities come from and try to understand why. To figure this out can help you to come to terms with and they will go away. Hello A/all, I used to be one of those who approached life and emotions and the like with the idea that the Rational Mind could Conquer All. Then I sparred 4 on 1 for several years, with myself in the center, and I learned there is a place in the eye of the hurricane where I was able to deal with the chaos surrounding me if I could only lose my desire to think or rationalize about it. I let go, and I became able to survive in that chaos. Then I learned that the brain has a threshhold, shorter in some animals, longer in others, wherein sensory inputs outside of that threshhold cause the brain to cease to function in linear, rational thought. Think of a deer in the headlights. The brain cannot think, it cannot reason, and the only thing it can rely on is muscle memory and the "rat brain" impulse. Then I watched women coming to the classes I teach, many with a part of her soul stolen by some rat bastard(s) in her past. And watched her learn that regardless of her emotional response to what we were doing and how it related to what she was doing, she could still fight and overcome odds that initially seemed insurmountable to her. Then I read about a potential cure for post traumatic stress disorder. A scientist determined that PTSD results from the brain becoming patterned to secrete certain chemicals under a stressor. Reliving such things causes the brain to secrete these chemicals, and the person relives the horror of that day on a visceral level. His approach to curing it (still in the study phase) is to use medication that prevents the secretion of these chemicals and having the person relive the incident. Effectively reprogramming the brain to NOT secrete the chemicals that trigger the self-perpetuating PTSD pattern. I am not sure attempting to figure out your insecurities will work. Most people I have seen attempt to do this seem to end up on an emotional rollercoaster as they flog themselves (not in a good way) about something they feel they failed at. I would recommend that you simply try your best to accept the fact that you are human, you have insecurities, etc., and you find somebody to be with you can communicate them with. This person would best be somebody who is non-judgemental about the way you are. Eventually, when you will lose interest in having these insecurities because they no longer engender the response to them you seek. But then my approach with raising my own offspring was to ignore any behavior I did not want repeated, and reward any behavior I did want repeated. Which is odd in this lifestyle, since the reward seems to always dovetail to a place involving spankings, cheerleader outfits, and anal sex. But that is just me, and I could be wrong. Sinergy "Butt sex is like spinach, if you were forced to have it as a child you probably will not enjoy it as an adult." - Forget the name of the comedian who said this, possibly Sarah Silverman.

Submotive -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/15/2006 2:25:14 PM)
i don't think anything in life triggers insecurities more than an intimate relationship. There's a quote from a philosophical teaching i don't feel the need to mention, but it says "love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed." i believe this. Before being collared i felt much more secure within myself than i do at times now. i get quite insecure now, and things i thought were totally healed surface for more healing. But i know that ultimately the responsibility for this healing is mine and not Master's.

fastlane -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/15/2006 2:43:07 PM)
insecurities are like a Big Dog on a leash.....you can stuggle as you try to deal with them and they pull you all over the place....or say WTF and let them go! Only the really bad ones will come back. Secure for the moment, Kevin

theRose4U -> RE: Dealing with insecurities (5/15/2006 5:06:49 PM)
Kind of depends on what the insecurities are. Separation anxiety to me is a different thing. Lots of insecurities are easily solved by showing that the source of the fear is all imaginary. 90% of spiders won't kill you and don't individually have that kind of modivation. Afraid of monsters in the closet same kind of thing once light is shown on the fear it ceases to have power.

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