How do you conquer your fears?

How do you conquer your fears? (Full Version)

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lizi -> How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:05:02 PM)
I've started this thread over 3 times now and am just going to post this one no matter how it turns out. I broke both of my arms in 7 places last summer on June 13th while I was on a bicycle ride with my guy. We were to do a 40 mile ride in Baltimore that day, we'd done this particular one before. We usually do 6 or 7 rides a summer and this was the first of the season. I was going way too fast and my hands slipped -it was extremely hot that day and I was sweaty and left off wearing gloves. I went off the trail at a high rate of speed, then got the bike back up on the trail and either hit a rock or the edge of the asphalt coming up and I flipped over the handlebars. I'm physically recovered - even from subsequent surgery to repair severe nerve damage on my left wrist. The left wrist had at least 5 breaks - the doctor said there might have been more. It had an external fixator screwed into my arm bones to help it heal properly. The right shoulder was broken in two places. I couldn't do anything for myself and was in constant pain for months. I started riding around my neighborhood every day for the last week, just a little bit, but I figured doing it every day would get me comfortable with riding again. It has....kind of. I panic when I get going at a faster pace and I don't feel easy with it yet, but that's ok, I figure it might take time. My partner is doing 2 rides this weekend and I was to go with him and just tag along, wait for him to be done, and then enjoy the day with him. He asked a couple days ago if I'd like to do the family ride on the Saturday ride which is only 8 miles. I said yes and then had a complete meltdown when I realized what I'd said. I want to do it and yet I'm scared shitless. Here's the thing, I don't want something to have this control over me. Since I said I'd do it, and committed to it, I've been going around with a constant feeling of dread - like there is an enemy out in the bushes waiting to pounce. I've been crying off and on all day long and even wake up at night - when I can sleep because I haven't been able to sleep much- with fresh tears on my face. Right now sitting here I have tissues next to the computer for the steady flow that just leaks out of my eyes like a bad faucet. I'll start to breathe faster when I do think about it and I feel jittery as though I'm on massive doses of caffeine. All in all I feel like a fool. I like things to make sense; I like myself to make sense...I'm not making any sense. I am honestly at my wits end. I don't want to live with the fear, but since I said I'd face that fear it's been kicking my butt. How the hell do I put this behind me and do the f*cking ride and just get it over with? I want to do the ride, I don't want to keep coming up to the edge of doing something similar and then back down. I could probably live without ever riding a bicycle again, but I don't want something to have that power over me so that it dictates what I do or don't do. Has anyone done something similar and do they have anything for me to learn from right now? I'm so desperate. I feel like the world's biggest baby and instead of gradually calming down about it, I feel as though things are revving up and getting worse. I'm in worse shape today then I was yesterday. I'll be a basket case by Saturday morning I'm sure. I'd just appreciate anything anyone has to say...thank you.

hlen5 -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:14:22 PM)
Can you visualize the enjoyment you will get out of the day spending it with your partner? The sun warm on you, the enjoyment of physical exertion, even the cooling feeling of your sweat evaporating on your skin?? ETA: Kudos to you for wanting to conquer your fear too!! Imagine that exhilaration! One more thing to think about, the coldness of the water slaking your thirst during the ride.

DarkSteven -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:14:43 PM)
You're spending way too much energy on this. Think of it as your mind telling you you're not ready for it yet. Cancel. Go along with him as an observer. Set a date for getting able to bike for several miles. Track how close you are, where you are at in your progress, etc. Be flexible and reassign milestone dates as needed. Take control THAT way, not in externally imposed deadlines. And move to Colorado while you're at it.

lizi -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:30:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hlen5 Can you visualize the enjoyment you will get out of the day spending it with your partner? The sun warm on you, the enjoyment of physical exertion, even the cooling feeling of your sweat evaporating on your skin?? ETA: Kudos to you for wanting to conquer your fear too!! Imagine that exhilaration! One more thing to think about, the coldness of the water slaking your thirst during the ride. This kind of thing worked for me when I said I'd do it on Monday. I was more able to look at it objectively in the beginning and I was kind of excited at the thought of conquering the giant. Now a few days later I've just been a mess and that is definitely not me. I don't seem to be thinking logically at this point. I'll give it a try though- especially when I'm there on Sat. Maybe looking at details will help take my mind off of it.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:30:59 PM)
Can you borrow a (reasonably) small child from somewhere to supervise? That'll give you a focus other than your own worries, and it'll also mean that you won't be going very fast. That's how my mother got through the one and only bike ride she's ever managed as an adult.

hlen5 -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:33:47 PM)
If you are dreading it too much, maybe setting your sights a little lower would be a better idea? You would be better off underwhelming yourself with a smaller accomplishment than to not complete the ride and feed your fear.

hlen5 -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:34:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious Can you borrow a (reasonably) small child from somewhere to supervise? That'll give you a focus other than your own worries, and it'll also mean that you won't be going very fast. That's how my mother got through the one and only bike ride she's ever managed as an adult. A great suggestion!

lizi -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:39:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven You're spending way too much energy on this. Think of it as your mind telling you you're not ready for it yet. Cancel. Go along with him as an observer. Set a date for getting able to bike for several miles. Track how close you are, where you are at in your progress, etc. Be flexible and reassign milestone dates as needed. Take control THAT way, not in externally imposed deadlines. And move to Colorado while you're at it. I completely agree, I'm spending too much time on this which is why I finally asked for help, because it's driving me crazy. I see the wisdom in what you're saying about putting it off as it seems like maybe I'm just not ready. It was a horrific experience, I don't expect the psychological scars to be healed by magic. But....I'm really afraid if I put it off now then I'll keep putting it off which is what I don't want. Your step by step idea sounds great and in the back of my mind I know I probably won't carry it out as you have envisioned. I'll make the goals, do the steps, and still freak out when I get to the conclusion. I don't actually know that for a fact, but from what I know of myself that is how it will probably go. I tend to get stuff done if I screw myself up and jump in. Although this time jumping in means doing something that hurt me very badly in the past. Your logical idea of taking control is good but I'm dealing with an illogical subject....my fear. I dont know if I can get control of it that way or if I just have to walk up and club it over the head instead. Will moving to Colorado help me Steven? It's very tempting in any case [:D]

lizi -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:45:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious Can you borrow a (reasonably) small child from somewhere to supervise? That'll give you a focus other than your own worries, and it'll also mean that you won't be going very fast. That's how my mother got through the one and only bike ride she's ever managed as an adult. Hmmm....actually this might work. See, I can ride the bike and have been doing it only around my neighborhood circle. It's going to this formal ride with other riders and a new environment that is killing me. Being surrounded with the same details that culminated with me crashing. Whenever I envision being at the ride and not knowing what the route will be like my heart starts to speed up. But, I'm to be doing the family ride which is only 8 miles. There will be a lot of kids on that particular ride. I'm sure I could tag along with someone if I felt overwhelmed and kind of concentrate on that. Thanks VC, I really like that idea.

LanceHughes -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:48:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven <snipped> And move to Colorado while you're at it. <snipped> Will moving to Colorado help me Steven? It's very tempting in any case [:D] DARK <and I emphasis "dark"> Steven will keep you so busy, there won't be time for bike riding. Notice he did NOT say "Bring your bike to Colorado." Regards, Lance (who is helpful that way.) P.S. Got a brother cute as you? Bring him with...... LOL!

lizi -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 12:53:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LanceHughes DARK <and I emphasis "dark"> Steven will keep you so busy, there won't be time for bike riding. Notice he did NOT say "Bring your bike to Colorado." Regards, Lance (who is helpful that way.) P.S. Got a brother cute as you? Bring him with...... LOL! I swear you and Steven are the devil, would the two of you like to come with me on a short bicycle ride this Saturday in Maryland? I know for certain that would keep my mind off of what I'm doing. I do have 2 younger brothers, one of which resembles me very much lol...

juliaoceania -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 1:22:14 PM)
quote: Here's the thing, I don't want something to have this control over me. Since I said I'd do it, and committed to it, I've been going around with a constant feeling of dread - like there is an enemy out in the bushes waiting to pounce. I've been crying off and on all day long and even wake up at night - when I can sleep because I haven't been able to sleep much- with fresh tears on my face. Right now sitting here I have tissues next to the computer for the steady flow that just leaks out of my eyes like a bad faucet. I'll start to breathe faster when I do think about it and I feel jittery as though I'm on massive doses of caffeine. All in all I feel like a fool. I like things to make sense; I like myself to make sense...I'm not making any sense. The above is something I can relate to... I have posted about my phobia of driving many times here. I have gotten my drivers permit many times and never gotten my license. I have paid for lessons, I have done exposure therapy, everything. When I was with Sinergy he needed to have outpatient surgery on several occasions. He asked me to drive him home, which actually wasn't completely legal because I only had a permit, and technically speaking he was in no shape to help me if I got into trouble driving. But, being that I wanted to be the person he could count on I agreed to it. I had three weeks to mull over the fact I would be driving an incapacitated person 45 minutes on the Pacific Coast Highway, which is not fun to drive through cities, and can get very congested, but since I will not drive on freeways it was the only thing I could do. It was on the back of my mind that the date of this surgery was approaching, and I asked him if his dad could take him, and the next day I asked him if his son could drive him.... and his response was "If you are trying to weasel out of your promise, just let me know, and then I will know to scratch you off the list of people I can count on." Soooo.... I lost sleep, I felt nauseous contemplating it, it was pretty bad. I did it. In fact. I did it three times. How can I say this? I wish I hadn't done it. Before I did it I was making progress with my phobia. I haven't driven since. It harmed me... it has only been the last couple of months I have been feeling like tackling this again. Don't push yourself into facing fears for other people. You can end up even more afraid... At the time this all happened, it was towards the end of our relationship. He really wasn't himself because of all the medications he was on, and the pain he was in... so I am not mad at him, mind you, but part of me still smarts about this, and it was only upon reflection that I saw how damaging it was not only to me, but to our relationship. I think I quit trusting him after that.

DarkSteven -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 1:31:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi Will moving to Colorado help me Steven? It's very tempting in any case [:D] Who said anything about it being for YOUR benefit? Try to think like a sub, fer gosh sake.

LanceHughes -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 1:38:14 PM)
Now for Lance's serious answer: I went through a tremendous amount of grief conseling - like 5 years worth - kicked off by a lover <of 7 years> dying in my arms from AIDS. That same week, lost my BDSM mentor <of 18 years>, an Uncle and a couple of other friends. That'll put a spin on your life. The ONE thing that I learned more than any other and which is applicable here (albeit in a sideways manner) is simple: No one and I mean NO ONE is "allowed" to tell you how to grieve, how long to grieve or any thing else regarding your grieving process. Here, I would say NO ONE is "allowed" to tell you how or when or anything else about you and or your biking. You received good ideas, and good wishes for being able to get out there on Saturday, but YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT READY!!!! Why are you beating yourself up!?!?!?! I like to say "I beat my boys, but I do not beat them up. I allow others to beat them, but I certainly do not let others - especially not themselves - to beat up my boys." I see NO grief here - especially no grief for the loss of your fearlessness. ALL I see is you beating yourself up since you are not "ready." Who the FUCK told you Saturday was the day you'd be ready to get back on the bike? STOP beating yourself up!!! That is simply not allowed!!! STOP beating yourself UP! And then coming over to the boards trying to get others to help - help beat you up, that is..... sorry.... nope.... that's not allowed either. Lance says, "Cancel." If you must say something, say "You know that I had that accident. Well, I'm just not ready to get 'back in the saddle again.' Sorry. I thought about it alot, but I'm just not ready. Thanks for inviting me. Please continue to invite me. I'll say 'Yes' when I can enjoy the ride."

DesFIP -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 2:46:24 PM)
Cancel, you aren't ready yet. You can't go from riding around the neighborhood at ten miles an hour, stopping at every street corner, to a race. You have to work up to it. And expect it to take a long time. If so far you're averaging two miles a ride, then try to do three or even just two and a half.. If you're making ten miles an hour, try to do twelve. And don't ramp it up until you're comfortable where you are. Because if you push too fast, you'll get what just happened, proof that you can't do it now.

Muttling -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 3:06:38 PM)
I completely understand your emotions and have been there. The key is little steps, not big leaps. Figure out the level that your are just a little uncomfortable with and make yourself do it a few times. Keep stepping up and keep telling yourself that it's ok. The advances don't come in line, they come in great leaps and long delays. Just be patient, I suspect you will be back with a little patience. As for me........I have ophiophobia (fear of snakes) at the clinical level. I adore snakes and thing they are amazing animals to read about, but I can't get near them without having major anxiety attacks. It took me a while to get to where I could just walk up and look at them in an aquarium at the pet shop, now I can do that with ease but it took time. The zoo near me has a great exhibit, for the longest I couldn't enter it and would wait or my kid on the other side of it. I had to work to walk into the exhibit because I would have them in aquariums on both sides of me then it suddenly became no big deal. Be patient and just work with it.

pahunkboy -> RE: How do you conquer your fears? (6/9/2011 3:24:01 PM)
For sure! When I totalled the car beyond recognition- I did not want to drive. When I had the crap beat out of me- I did not want to go to the area- or near the bf who did it. I have since gotten over those things.

LanceHughes -> Leave lizi to her own healing process! (6/9/2011 3:28:01 PM)
I think it's GREAT that some people have used little steps to conquer their fears. BACK OFF folks - your method might or might not be lizi's method. On these forums we tend to agree YKMNBMK - your kink might not be my kink - and there is a STRONG parallel here. Your healing process might not be lizi's healing process.

juliaoceania -> RE: Leave lizi to her own healing process! (6/9/2011 3:35:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LanceHughes I think it's GREAT that some people have used little steps to conquer their fears. BACK OFF folks - your method might or might not be lizi's method. On these forums we tend to agree YKMNBMK - your kink might not be my kink - and there is a STRONG parallel here. Your healing process might not be lizi's healing process. I agree... One thing that is a red flag for me reading her, and why I posted my story, is I really believe facing fears has to be about the person with the fear... no one else. In other words, if you suck it up for someone else, it can easily backfire.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Leave lizi to her own healing process! (6/9/2011 3:40:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LanceHughes Your healing process might not be lizi's healing process. Absolutely. But she's an adult, and she asked for experiences and ideas for solutions. She doesn't have to take anyone up on any of them; trust her to be intelligent and self-aware enough to work out what's right for her, without demanding that people hide all the options from her.

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