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getting lost in the BDSM lifestyle... - 5/14/2006 9:40:28 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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There is an interesting thread "I have lost my little one" going on about a couple who got lost in the bdsm dynamic.
 
I have known quite a few couples who have fallen prey to this, myself included.
 
I think it is a good subject to talk about, and discuss because it is so easy to do.
 
So I guess my question is, have you known any couples that lived the lifestyle so deeply to exclusion of all else and it became unhealthy to the point one or both felt they lost thier identity?
 
Were they able to survive as a couple? Did relaxing the dynamic help? What did help?



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RE: getting lost in the BDSM lifestyle... - 5/14/2006 10:38:00 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
So I guess my question is, have you known any couples that lived the lifestyle so deeply to exclusion of all else and it became unhealthy to the point one or both felt they lost thier identity?

Were they able to survive as a couple? Did relaxing the dynamic help? What did help?

You see this happen in vanilla relationships all the time.  In fact a lot of people who COME to bdsm/Ds/Ms do so AFTER their vanilla relationships have been lost, they feel they lost who they are and are FOUND once they discover wiitwd.  ultimately, it either IS true for themselves, or they move onto something else to try and fill their inner hole rather than looking within.

I'm pretty sure the same process occurs for those who start in bdsm/Ds/Ms.

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RE: getting lost in the BDSM lifestyle... - 5/14/2006 1:32:20 PM   
ArchangelMichael


Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
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Warning: Some of this is going to get technical.

This seems like the classic signs of an addiction. Anything can be addictive if you allow it to be, including sex and BDSM. Getting so lost in BDSM to the point where you forget about everything else and the rest of your life suffers isn't much different from drug addiction or alcohol addiction. Most of the time, there are some underlying causes that can drive a person to be addicted. Often, this is because someone is trying to escape something in the real world, perhaps problems that they can't deal with. So they retreat into some fantasy world. Maybe it's the feeling that goes with being drunk or high or maybe they've become high on their own endorphins. I've heard the joke that a masochist is defined as an endorphin addict. Well, that may not be so for every masochist, but it can happen.

So it's important that we can recognize the signs of addiction. If you're spending too much time on BDSM activities and not on doing what's important in your non-BDSM life, there may be an addiction there. Although this would be a non-chemical addiction, there are bio-chemical influences. I mentioned endorphins, which are the body's natural painkillers. It's possible to become addicted to the postivie effects of endorphins. But there are also neurotransmitters (chemicals in the brain that stimulate your brain cells) such as serotonin and norepinephrin that are linked to the pleasure centers of the brain. When we experience pleasure from some activity (sexual or non-sexual), our brain produces a little extra of these neurotransmitters, so we get a small high. We learn to associate this high with the pleasurable acitivity. This is, chemically, why we seek out activities that bring us pleasure or make us happy. Sometimes, we can become addicted to these acitivities if we depend too much on that little high we get. If BDSM activities bring us this kind of pleasure, then they have the potential to be addictive.

Learn the signs of addiction. Most often an addiction can be identified by the major symptoms of tolerance, dependence, and withdrawl. If you enjoy BDSM activities to the point where nothing else can give you any pleasure (and I mean anything, like you forsake your usual non-BDSM hobbies for it), then you have become dependent on BDSM. If you need to experience more BDSM each time you do it in order to get the same pleasurable feeling as before, then you have built up a tolerance. If you experience negative physical symptoms by not participating in BDSM activities, then you are going through withdrawl.

And if you've heard this before, yes, this is the standard way to assess whether or not someone has a drug or alcohol addiction.


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RE: getting lost in the BDSM lifestyle... - 5/14/2006 1:41:29 PM   
LadyHugs


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Dear crouchingtigress, ArchAngelMichael, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I agree with you both on your posts.  Like LuckyAlbatross said, it effects vanilla and any other lifestyle.
 
When BDSM controls your life, instead of you in control of BDSM; it is very much what people use in mental health as to thump the merits of BDSM, M/s, D/s and S&M down.  When there is an escape from reality as to totally detached as ArchAngelMichael did so well-- there is trouble.
 
That is why having 'help' in dealing with the addiction aspects is so important within the community.
 
Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

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RE: getting lost in the BDSM lifestyle... - 5/14/2006 2:05:34 PM   
Lashra


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Joined: 2/9/2006
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Oh yes she became an extension of him. She had no interest other than him, she lived and breathed him 24/7. He got bored of her and decided to *expand* their horizons by taking on new partners. She fell into depression thinking she wasn't good enough for him, that she must have done something wrong. She eventually thought she was so worthless she tried suicide. He had gotten so used to her being so subservient he never noticed how damn unhappy she was. Lucky for her she pulled thru and they ended up going their separate ways. Now she's in therapy trying to find out who she is and to be her own person .

Don't let the fantasy eat you alive...

~Lashra

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RE: getting lost in the BDSM lifestyle... - 5/14/2006 3:12:47 PM   
ArchangelMichael


Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Oh yes she became an extension of him. She had no interest other than him, she lived and breathed him 24/7. He got bored of her and decided to *expand* their horizons by taking on new partners. She fell into depression thinking she wasn't good enough for him, that she must have done something wrong. She eventually thought she was so worthless she tried suicide. He had gotten so used to her being so subservient he never noticed how damn unhappy she was. Lucky for her she pulled thru and they ended up going their separate ways. Now she's in therapy trying to find out who she is and to be her own person .

Don't let the fantasy eat you alive...

~Lashra


Yes, it's also possible to become addicted to a person, whether in a BDSM context or not. I'm glad that she's realized this and that she's getting the appropriate counseling. It's not BDSM or any particular activity that causes this. Some people are just predisposed to it for a variety of reasons. I wish her the best of luck in getting better.


_____________________________

"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

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