Emotions and Dominance

Emotions and Dominance (Full Version)

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BonesFromAsh -> Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 6:44:55 AM)
These questions are mainly for those who either are currently or have been in an ongoing d/s relationship with a sub or a slave, either as a primary partner or otherwise. How open are you to expressing your emotions with your s-type? Do you share strong feelings of hurt/anger/disappointment/sadness/etc. or do you choose to appear aloof and “business-like”? For those who choose to express themselves fully and completely…both the beauty of the rose along with the pain of the thorns…what, if any, effect did this sharing have on your s-type’s ability long term to see you as dominant within the dynamic? Are there any emotions that are best not shared as a dominant individual with their s-type…why or why not?

Madame4a -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 8:00:26 AM)
What an excellent question... I think it depends for me on the type of relationship -- my current is all encompassing primary.. she's my boi, my butch, and my life partner so I show her just about everything. Even when I try not to, it comes through -- I have no poker face with her even though I'd find it useful sometimes. In relationships where its been very focussed - e.g., strictly D/s without the other stuff -- I've attempted to remain aloof and not express any strong emotions. I have found, that occasionally in that situation, certain strong emotions -- sadness, despair are considered 'weakness' and don't have a positive impact when shown. I don't think it should be that way, but its happened to me and I've seen it happen in a strong, long standing M/s situation. In my current relationship, if we're in deep D/s space, I try to maintain a very small certain aloofness, but keep my emotional connection. Its a delicate dance. But what isn't? quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh These questions are mainly for those who either are currently or have been in an ongoing d/s relationship with a sub or a slave, either as a primary partner or otherwise. How open are you to expressing your emotions with your s-type? Do you share strong feelings of hurt/anger/disappointment/sadness/etc. or do you choose to appear aloof and “business-like”? For those who choose to express themselves fully and completely…both the beauty of the rose along with the pain of the thorns…what, if any, effect did this sharing have on your s-type’s ability long term to see you as dominant within the dynamic? Are there any emotions that are best not shared as a dominant individual with their s-type…why or why not?

LadyPact -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 8:22:05 AM)
I think it's darn near impossible to share your real life with somebody and not have them see your full range of emotions. If you can't (or won't) with somebody who is supposed to be one of the closest people to you in your life, you're getting shortchanged. It's part of that 'whole human being' bit. I absolutely expect clip to understand that I have the same emotions as anybody else and frankly, if that makes Me less Dominant in his eyes, he needs a new one. There is one exception to this rule. I don't drag him into the middle of stuff that happens between MP and I. If the other half is who has made Me angry/frustrated/whatever, I'll tell clip what I'm feeling, but there's no discussion of details about it.

Madame4a -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 9:40:45 AM)
I agree with you... and I'll add that when I was in poly situations, I always maintained the stance that if something was wrong in one relationship, I did not bring that into the other one. I was truely tested when I had an almost primary (two different times) and a boi and the primary type situation ended. I found it very hard to maintain my distance. I always feel its not right to take solace from the other relationship. As LP said, I found it important to let others know that something was going on, but without details. If I was deep into my need to withdraw, which is my normal mode when a relationship ends, I let them know and tried to at least maintain certain connections without taking away from or drawing negatively on the existing relationship. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I think it's darn near impossible to share your real life with somebody and not have them see your full range of emotions. If you can't (or won't) with somebody who is supposed to be one of the closest people to you in your life, you're getting shortchanged. It's part of that 'whole human being' bit. I absolutely expect clip to understand that I have the same emotions as anybody else and frankly, if that makes Me less Dominant in his eyes, he needs a new one. There is one exception to this rule. I don't drag him into the middle of stuff that happens between MP and I. If the other half is who has made Me angry/frustrated/whatever, I'll tell clip what I'm feeling, but there's no discussion of details about it.

LaTigresse -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 11:10:15 AM)
It's probably no shocker that I tend to be pretty reserved emotionally, in all areas. Whatever I feel tends to be pretty moderated in it's expression. I can be mad as HELL and the people that know me best might be utterly clueless. I don't jump up and down whooping like a fool when I am ecstatically happy, nor do I gush crazily words of love or infatuation. Still, if any of those emotions are focused on one person, I make certain they know. Moreso through other methods of communication......whatever is applicable...[:D] Anyone that bothers to observe and tune in.......would immediately get the vibe, but all too often, people don't. I've no idea why I am the way I am.........it's just me.

SexyBossyBBW -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 1:15:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh These questions are mainly for those who either are currently or have been in an ongoing d/s relationship with a sub or a slave, either as a primary partner or otherwise. How open are you to expressing your emotions with your s-type? Do you share strong feelings of hurt/anger/disappointment/sadness/etc. or do you choose to appear aloof and “business-like”? I am very open with my emotions, though I've never been the jump/scream with joy type, or cry when happy/crybaby in general. I go quiet when insulted, upset, or hurt, in order to clarify in my head, why it is I'm upset about a particular thing, before reacting/responding to the insult, or insulting party. quote: For those who choose to express themselves fully and completely…both the beauty of the rose along with the pain of the thorns…what, if any, effect did this sharing have on your s-type’s ability long term to see you as dominant within the dynamic? I've never had an abnormal reaction, to my being human, or female, and dominant. quote: Are there any emotions that are best not shared as a dominant individual with their s-type…why or why not? I've not had any emotions I consider, better not shared. If I were an unhappy, whiny type, than I might try to hold back some of that. M

PeonForHer -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 4:58:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh Are there any emotions that are best not shared as a dominant individual with their s-type…why or why not? Jeez . . . I don't think I could be with a woman who even started to ask that question . . . .

BonesFromAsh -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/10/2011 6:25:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh Are there any emotions that are best not shared as a dominant individual with their s-type…why or why not? Jeez . . . I don't think I could be with a woman who even started to ask that question . . . . Ya know what, Peon, I agree with you. Funny thing is, I've met d-types, both female and male, who don't have that type of dynamic. I talked with one of 'em and asked this same question ('cause I can be noisy like that) and they've said their partner is an equal and subject to all that equality brings...but a s-type isn't equal and, therefore, not allowed the privilege of such openness. I have to say...I'm continually amazed at the various ways of relating people come up with that works for them.

LaTigresse -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/11/2011 10:56:47 AM)
I don't see the expression of emotions as a weakness persay. I usually look at how a person handles their emotions more. If it is a negative emotion, what was the cause, is it a pattern of constant drama, can they or should they be looking for ways to improve the situation? Even then it is less a case of being dominant or not, but more a case of personal responsibility and maturity. To my eyes, dominant and submissive are simply personality traits.....they are not indicators of maturity or lack there of. A person can be very expressive with their emotions and still dominant or submissive, and handle their emotions and how they express them in a responsible manner. I believe that how we express emotions is a combination of nature and nurture. My entire family was always pretty low key. My parents marriage was always a fucked up mess but I rarely saw or heard them fight. It was only the last year or so they were together, that I saw any expression of anger or upset at all. To many people, those few occasions would have seemed quite mild but to my experience, they were quite dramatic. I don't remember my grandparents ever getting overly expressive with any negative emotion at all. All of that being said, love was always openly and warmly expressed. Hugs and "I love you!" was quite common and flowed easily. I believe I do reflect the example of my upbringing a great deal. Although I have worked hard at becoming more expressive of the less than wonderful, in a responsible and none hurtful manner. Unfortunately much of my family has a difficulty in dealing with anything that could possibly be seen as a negative. They prefer to pretend it does not exist and should not be discussed.

Cloudz -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/12/2011 5:08:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh These questions are mainly for those who either are currently or have been in an ongoing d/s relationship with a sub or a slave, either as a primary partner or otherwise. How open are you to expressing your emotions with your s-type? Do you share strong feelings of hurt/anger/disappointment/sadness/etc. or do you choose to appear aloof and “business-like”? For those who choose to express themselves fully and completely…both the beauty of the rose along with the pain of the thorns…what, if any, effect did this sharing have on your s-type’s ability long term to see you as dominant within the dynamic? Are there any emotions that are best not shared as a dominant individual with their s-type…why or why not? quote: For those who choose to express themselves fully and completely…both the beauty of the rose along with the pain of the thorns…what, if any, effect did this sharing have on your s-type’s ability long term to see you as dominant within the dynamic? The effect it had on him was that he was/is able to trust me. Knowing all parts of me (especially the thorns) allowed him to fully experience and evaluate who I am. I expect the same from him.

kalikshama -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/12/2011 5:20:27 AM)
My ex D only expressed anger. His father was like that too. My ex was extremely stoic when his father died, our 20 year old cat died, and our beloved Husky died. I felt like I was shedding tears for both of us.

leadership527 -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/12/2011 12:28:14 PM)
~fast reply~ OK, male dom here... but sheez I can so totally sympathize with... LP: I think it's darn near impossible to share your real life with somebody and not have them see your full range of emotions. If you can't (or won't) with somebody who is supposed to be one of the closest people to you in your life, you're getting shortchanged. It's part of that 'whole human being' bit. Peon: Jeez . . . I don't think I could be with a woman who even started to ask that question . . . . I get it that for other people it is not about emotional intimacy. For me, it is -- the more the merrier.

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/12/2011 3:20:35 PM)
with heather i'm a fucking open book. she gets it all. what i'm feeling, what i'm wanting, what i'm thinking, what i'm fearing. all of it. isn't that the whole point of a relationship, so you don't have to deal with all that shit on your own? sure i get all her shit too, but there's two sets of shoulders, that carries a lot of weight and makes a lot of territory to cry on. to my mind if you are worried about your sub seeing you as dominant, you're with the wrong fucking partner. fuck, if you're worried about appearing or seeming dominant to anybody there's something seriously fucked up with your thinking. hannah lynn

littlewonder -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/12/2011 4:18:06 PM)
we share everything including emotions..happiness, anger, fear, etc....I've been with men who refused to share their emotions with me and it was just frustrating and angered me to the point I could not be with them and I walked away. I wanted someone who saw himself as human, not "Dom".

PeonForHer -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/12/2011 4:32:08 PM)
FR ONNNNNN the other hand . . . . I know there are femdoms who like doing the frosty, aloof thing. And there are many subs who fantasise about being on the receiving end of that - such as myself, for instance. However, in my case, I can't square that with anything that I'd normally call 'a relationship'. Others, though, are different; from what I've read on this forum, a few also seem to have made such arrangements work, somehow . . . .

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/12/2011 4:55:55 PM)
It's been a bit since I've done the "relationship" thing. I dunno. I tried in the past to mix owner and lover, and it dint work. It felt wrong. The person that I have ultimate responsibility for is not my confidante, though I would be his or hers. Chain of command, yanno? Still, anyone that serves me is also there for companionship. Anyone who is around me longer than an hour knows what a giant dork I am. I am not suppressing the gigglesnort just to look all domly. And I have it on good authority that giggling puts folks off guard. Pointless ramble is pointless. I am who I am, and don't hide it, fake it, or move it around. You get the entire package, wild laughter, goofy syntax, and all.

Arieno -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/13/2011 5:36:47 AM)
quote: Ya know what, Peon, I agree with you. Funny thing is, I've met d-types, both female and male, who don't have that type of dynamic. I talked with one of 'em and asked this same question ('cause I can be noisy like that) and they've said their partner is an equal and subject to all that equality brings...but a s-type isn't equal and, therefore, not allowed the privilege of such openness. One may think they are hiding emotions, or disguising feelings, but to the discerning eye the only one they are fooling is themselves.

undergroundsea -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/13/2011 12:30:49 PM)
I think that is a fair question and the answer depends on the type of dynamic in question. A dynamic that is also a romantic companionship will have a different answer than one that has a distant owner property status. The dynamic is related to what kind of submission is in place (a dynamic that has submission based on worship or intense admiration might be more sensitive to this question than other dynamics) and what could disrupt the dynamic for the sub (how sharing vulnerabilities might affect him) or the dominant (how a potential change in the submissive might in turn affect the dominant. For example, a submissive might as a result of the personal sharing begin to see the relationship as more personal, less power distant, which might disrupt the mindset of the dominant). Also, there is a question of timing; one could liken the matter to revealing too much too soon. Lastly, there may also be a gender issue associated with it. Some submissive women say they can no longer submit to a male dominant if they discover he likes to submit. There might be a similar such issue for male subs--for example, some may feel they can no longer submit if they come to learn that their domme passes gas. Just kidding ;-) Cheers, Sea

PeonForHer -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/13/2011 12:48:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: undergroundsea There might be a similar such issue for male subs--for example, some may feel they can no longer submit if they come to learn that their domme passes gas. You never cease to be spot on, Sea. ;-)

notsopatient -> RE: Emotions and Dominance (6/14/2011 12:43:56 PM)
I am certainly new to all of this and the only thing I know a lot about is my intense need to please and care for my mistress in any way that I am able. This has included givng her comfort, support, and my strength when one of her other subs had hurt her. I know who the boss is, I don't expect her to be big and bad all the time. In fact, if I did, I think she might burn out pretty quick and I can't have that. When my mistress has allowed me to know she is tired or sad, this has allowed me to give to her. This gives me great joy.

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