What can I do to learn to Domme?

What can I do to learn to Domme? (Full Version)

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Sapesko -> What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 12:13:12 AM)
Hello All, I am a 26 yr old switch, but very new to the scene - I have a sub relationship with a Dom but its not formal, and I imagine not a good example of a "typical" sub/dom exchange. Outside of that specific relationship I am not interested in subbing. I am far more interested in Domme-ing - I suites me very well - but I simply don't know where to start! I know the first steps will be the most difficult, and I do have a rope suspension skill set and Domme-esque demeanor (most people mistake me for a Domme on meeting me) at my disposal, but that's about it. Is there any "must-read" material i should peruse, or articles/blogs online you might recommend? My concern is simply that, as a perfectionist, I don't want to agree to Domme someone without having the faintest idea what I am actually doing! How do I make that first step? Thanks so much in advance, Sapesko ps. it might be of note that I am also specifically interested in Domme-ing females only at this time, which, I imagine, makes finding a sub more difficult...

LadyConstanze -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 2:23:50 AM)
I don't really think there is a thing like a typical relationship, basically what are you interested in doing? Are you interested in tying somebody up? If you got a good skill set with rope, start there, then once you got your victim errr play partner helpless, go with the flow as long as you're playing safe. The only rule is that you are in charge and enjoy it, there is no perfect domming, as perfect domming might be something else for each and every person.

LadyPact -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 2:54:35 AM)
If you specifically want stuff that's on the net, I'm not the person to help you. My initial learning phase wasn't on the net. It was out in the community. The reading material that I went to were actual books, rather than blogs. Many of the titles you can find on this book list http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm which I am eternally grateful to Resident Sadist for creating for the site. While they weren't the first books that I read, I'd absolutely recommend the titles by Claudia Varrin. I darn near always recommend three books for those just starting out: "SM101" "The Loving Dominant" "Screw the Roses (Send Me the Thorns)" When it comes to play, you can't beat getting out into your local community. Also, it will get you in touch with other Dominant women to see their various styles of dynamics. I can't tell you the benefits that I've reaped from doing so over the years.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 3:35:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sapesko My concern is simply that, as a perfectionist, I don't want to agree to Domme someone without having the faintest idea what I am actually doing! How do I make that first step? One practical way might be to co-top with someone more experienced as a first step - you get to get right inside someone else's way of doing things, there's less pressure on you, and they can talk you right through safety concerns etc. (Make sure you pick someone whose regards for safety concerns and stuff you trust, obviously.) As for F/f being harder to find than F/m, all I can say is that I've not had any trouble... [8D]

Sapesko -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 3:45:47 AM)
Thanks for the fast responses! I'm reading The Loving Dominant now, and I'll be sure to look up those other titles. co-topping is also something I've been looking into- it would give me a safety net, as it were. I'm trying to stay involved in my community as well, though its sometimes difficult as I work weekend nights. As for just tying someone up - I do so all the time, for practice. For me to "go with the flow" in that context wouldn't work - I haven't been given consent even remotely for any sort of actual play. To ask consent would place me in an obligatory situation, I think. One where a certain level of dominance from me would became an implicit expectation on the part of the sub. As for tying up my sexual partner - he's not a kinkster, and very domm-y. It would never work :P

BonesFromAsh -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 7:09:22 AM)
Hi Sapesko, I want to share a link with you to a thread I started about What Makes You Dominant? My reason for sharing it is because I'm wondering what you mean by "Domme-ing"....are you looking for ways to learn skills for topping or are you looking for how to develop a more dominant personality/persona? (Yep...I've got my flame-proof suit on, folks, and am ready) For the record...I identified for quite some time as a switch. I since come to realize it wasn't submission I craved, but bottoming. I very much topped from below and need to chart my own course within a relationship. I guess that's why I'm a bit confused by your question of wanting to learn to be a domme.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 9:06:39 AM)
I learned topping skills in real time, by watching and doing. Make friends in your community, go to events and observe. Co-topping is a wonderful thing! Most of the practical play skills are not hard to learn. It's good to have a willing lab at who you yan practice with, too! Have fun!

Rochsub2009 -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 10:34:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sapesko I know the first steps will be the most difficult, and I do have a rope suspension skill set and Domme-esque demeanor (most people mistake me for a Domme on meeting me) at my disposal, but that's about it. My concern is simply that, as a perfectionist, I don't want to agree to Domme someone without having the faintest idea what I am actually doing! Sapesko, I'm neither a Domme, nor a female sub, so feel free to disregard my comment. However, I have a concern with the question the way you asked it. IMO, you seem to be confusing Domme-ing and "play". To me, they're totally different things. And I'm not sure which you are wanting to master. Since you say that you already have rope skills, it may imply that you're talking more about "play" than actually being a Domme. To me, "play" refers to activities. Tying someone up. Flogging, Pony play. Puppy play. Suspension. Knife play. Fire play. Etc. Those are examples of play. And there are skills that have to be learned in order to play safely. But when I think of play, I think more of "topping" and "bottoming". "Domme-ing" refers more to establishing a D/s dynamic in a relationship. It's not about play, it's about power exchange. Learning to be a good domme is about learning how to control another. It's about leadership. It's about getting someone to submit to your wishes and desires; making them obey. It's more about personality traits than activities. Many Doms/Dommes also incorporate play. But in my opinion, when you say that you want to "learn to Domme", that implies that you're asking how do you take control of another individual, NOT how do you tie a good knot or wield a flogger. Having said that, which are you seeking? Do you desire to learn about proper play techniques, or how to establish a more dominant personality and exercise control? Or perhaps you seek both. By specifying, you may get more useful answers. I'll slowly back out now. Sorry for butting in, Ladies.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/11/2011 11:11:27 AM)
Useful commentary, Roch! And I admit I interpreted the OP as asking to TOP, nt be a dominant.

Sapesko -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/13/2011 1:50:55 AM)
An interesting distinction that hadn't occurred to me in asking the question: my apologies Roch! I was specifically asking about developing myself to the point where I can be the D in a D/s relationship - even as a sub its D/s I am truly interested in. When I sub, I will only sub to someone older and far more experienced than I, ideally a perfectionist - in other words, someone I aspire to become myself. I am fairly confident in the steps required to learn a new skill like how to correctly wield a flogger - its the intricacies of power-exchange I am interested in learning. I have a fairly dominant personality in real-life, but I've always "topped from the bottom" in a metaphorical, non-kink specific sort of way. I've always, for example, let those I am interested in approach me. I tend to come across either as aloof or reserved or as sociable and polite - its the active predatory response that I lack - that first step to acquiring a sub, as it were. I suspect that once walls were broken and the awkward phase passed that domme-ing (sp?) would come very naturally to me - its those initial steps that leave me at a loss.

HannahLynHeather -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/13/2011 8:51:45 AM)
quote: I was specifically asking about developing myself to the point where I can be the D in a D/s relationship by doing it.. not the handy step by step advice you were after, but the truth. the thing about being a dominant is that its about what you want. ladypact (to use a well known poster as an example) and i are very fucking different dommes, we do our entire relationships differently. her definition of herself as a domme is nothing like my self definition. you can't be A domme, you can only be the domme you are. all the books and blogs in the world are not going to tell you that. they will give you tips and pointers on how to be a good domme, but the only way you will ever learn to be a dominant in the first place, is to be one. its not a skill set, its a mindset, a point of view. you either have it or you don't. hannah lynn

Rochsub2009 -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/13/2011 11:43:18 AM)
I agree with Hannah on this one. Skills (e.g. how to tie a good knot, or how to use a whip) can be taught, and the way they're taught tends to be pretty consistent. But being a Domme is very individualized. Everyone is different. I've been at this for almost 20 years, and every Domme that I've served has been different. Some have been very high protocol, while some have had practically no protocols at all. Some have been very mean and bossy, while others have been sweet and soft-spoken. Some have made me refer to them as "Mistress" or "Ma'am", while others preferred that I call them by their first name. There is no right or wrong way to be a Domme. It's all about you, and your preferences. If you want your sub to call you "Great Goddess and Ruler of the Universe", then do that. If you want your sub to be naked and on his/her knees whenever they're in your presence, then do that. If you want to forbid your sub from making eye contact with you, then do that. If you want to make your sub be your sex slave, then do that. And if you want your sub to do all of the household chores, then do that. Some of the ladies on here can probably tell you what they do in their D/s relationships. But the reality is that all that matters is what YOU want. So you'll probably want to spend some time thinking about what protocols you desire, and then start formalizing those in your own mind. Once you've done that, make your sub/slave follow those protocols. Even if some of them seem silly, it's okay as long as it's what YOU want. Good luck, Great Goddess and Ruler of the Universe. [;)]

LanceHughes -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/13/2011 11:48:53 AM)
I add "The Topping Book" written by two women, none the less. Actually, probably should be #1 on your bedside "pile." ETA (yeah, ETA ALL of the following - Hey! When Lance is on a roll, he is ON a roll! LOL!) AHHhhhh... after reading more carefully..... that "first step" you speak of, Sapesko, will happen when you find your sub. You perceive that you're in a chicken-and-egg position, but you are NOT! Dommes are besieged (as I understand it) with male bottoms interested in them. Now, I realize that you've been very careful about gender in your posts, but not to worry. Get thee to a munch (or two or three) and make your availabilty known. Stand back. LOL! Also, no one has mentioned that experienced bottoms can be VERY helpful to the "baby Domme." NO problem in being a "baby Domme." We all started out with the same amount of knowledge - ZERO. Just get a toe wet, at the shallow end. You will do FINE! Your self-awareness and introspection will make a fine Domme - as compared to them that ain't got two brain cells to rub together. LOL!

MaamJay -> RE: What can I do to learn to Domme? (6/16/2011 10:50:13 PM)
I echo these ideas, only you can work out what you want from a sub as their Domme. The answer lies within! To find that answer, the books you are reading will help, some things will resonate with you, others won't. I suggest a journal, jot down those things that make you feel good, that appeal to you. Look at some pictures on the net too and see if things stir you. For example, do pics of sub girls kneeling with eyes down make you tingle? Then you'll know that's a protocol you might want to set. On the other hand, maybe you want them to gaze into your eyes. That's just as acceptable! Take some quiet time and work out what kind of a sub you want, what you envisage them doing for you, with you, and what you envisage doing to and with them. Write down any hard limits you think YOU have, write down any boundaries you suspect might be temporary but are in operation at the moment while you are a novice. Jot down which bdsm activities particularly appeal to you and which don't as well, as if you are wanting to Top as well as Domme, it all goes to finding a suitable match. No point taking on a sub who lives for spanking if that bores you to tears for example. Think about how much control you want to take now, whether you are interested in micro-management for example (telling them what to wear, eat etc), or if that's not appealing at all. A word of caution though, don't start what you don't mean to continue! An important consideration is your views on discipline and punishment vs play. Some like a punishment dynamic, some like 'funishment' (using activities such as spanking for pretend punishment, role play) and others work with self-discipline, reward and disappointment when things aren't right. Do you want to do the archetypal "cold bitch Domme" thing, or do you see yourself as a warmer Dominant personality? It's really a matter of finding your style! One final word, I came a bit unstuck when trialling a female sub when I made it clear I expected her to wear a skirt (as a Domme who also subs to Master, it's His house rule). Also as a female Domme who is willing to accept a boy or a girl, I want them to be different, so if it's a girl, I want her to look like one! Now, this was made 100% clear right from the first conversation and she readily accepted it ... but then wouldn't abide by it and kept sneaking around wearing trousers without permission. It wasn't the only reason it didn't work out, but it was one factor. I copped a bit of flak here re trying to change someone (who was more of a butch lesbian than she had initially let on), that wasn't My intent, she had agreed so readily I hadn't thought it would be an issue. Given your situation OP, I'm not sure why you want a female (perhaps to keep things clearer sexually since you have a male D?) and so not sure how aware you are of how some lesbian (as opposed perhaps to bi?) females might feel about this issue. Perhaps the more experienced Dommes of females and female subs to FemDommes might chip in here! MaamJay aka violet[A]

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