RE: Trusting

RE: Trusting (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 3:42:39 AM)
Yes it is.

Kana -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 3:55:39 AM)
If ya want the reward, you gotta take the risk.

windchymes -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 6:25:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: In retrospect, I'm grateful for the past pains that brought me to where I am now. I was just talking to the Mister the other day about how, without those relationships, I wouldn't have received such great lessons, and my life wouldn't be what it is today. And I'm sure I'll have pains in my future - but whatever comes, I'll gain more lessons, which will move me further forward. It truly is all about the lessons.... Amen to that [:)]

sexyred1 -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 4:48:57 PM)
I really respect what NuevaVida and juliaoceania said. As far trusting again...I guess it depends on what the trust issues were. Did someone cheat once? Did someone lie constantly and always beg for forgiveness and then do it again? Etc. I think the more you love someone and they have broken your heart and trust, the harder it is to trust again. I also think that you have to be lucky to connect with a new person who understands you. Sometimes, the new guy feels you are not going to trust him because of your past. So that is why I try not to discuss the past with new men; why should they know I had my heart broken and trust broken? If it gets serious, I might tell them, it will depend on the situation. I believe, as Nueva Vida said, the most important lesson is to trust yourself first. That way you will not get into that situation again and ignore the red flags or, if no red flags, stay too long in a situation that resulted in loss of trust.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 5:00:47 PM)
Some life lessons that seem very easy unless and until you actually try and live it: Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth. by Mark Twain, Ladies and Gents

sexyred1 -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 5:03:12 PM)
I always loved that quote.

Tristan -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 6:07:45 PM)
I think people have brought up two separate issues with trust. One is trusting someone new after a bad relationship. The other is trusting a partner that previously violated your trust. For me, the first one is easy, but the second one is much harder. Issues like cheating violate trust on more than just the physical level. The easiest thing to get over is the physical act. Yeah, that is still very painful to get over, but it's the lying and deception required by your partner to get away with the physical act that is so destructive. It becomes hard to understand what was real and what wasn't. This really throws me off when trying to rebuild a relationship. I think it was Ronald Regan who once said of the Russians..."Trust but verify". I don't necessarily agree that this belongs in a relationship, but some may disagree. If someone violates my trust, I need to understand the reason why, and need to feel confident that it will not happen again. Yeah, we are all human, and yeah, we all make mistakes. Sometimes understanding and forgiveness strengthens a relationship, and sometimes the acts that required understanding and forgiveness are harbingers of what is to come. I am not wise enough to always tell the difference. Therefore, when in doubt, I tend to try to understand and forgive. Yep, this is probably another personality flaw. lol. TY NuevaVida and juliaoceania for your posts.

juliaoceania -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 6:58:47 PM)
quote: Sometimes understanding and forgiveness strengthens a relationship, and sometimes the acts that required understanding and forgiveness are harbingers of what is to come. I am not wise enough to always tell the difference. Therefore, when in doubt, I tend to try to understand and forgive. Yep, this is probably another personality flaw. lol. I have the been cheated on tshirt in my closet. I haven't burned it yet, because it was a very expensive tshirt. My experience with this as far as myself and others I know, it is nearly impossible to get it right after such a betrayal. Some people do, but most people somehow bang it back together again without really fixing it, and hobble along until it breaks completely and irreparably. So it may not be that you are not wise enough to tell the difference, perhaps it is that you seek to find out the reasons why something happened to prevent it again, and maybe that won't help in that current relationship... but it could have great value for the next.... that would make understanding an admirable quality and not a flaw at all. I think that if we deal with the content of our relationships that we are in, whether they survive or not we have improved our relationship skills.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 7:30:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again? Yes... but for me, I rationalize it as, "I could not trust and be alone... or work towards trust again to be coupled and happy!!!" quote: For those who have managed to find you can trust once again, is it as deep as it was before? Did it come easily or was it hard work, meaning harder than before? Do you still hold back a part of yourself? As deep? Yes. Did it come easily? No. After trust was earned, then no... I didn't hold back. quote: This is the ledge I am stuck on 2 years in. No right or wrong answers. Just curious to know if I am an oddity at this point. I wouldn't say an "oddity"... in fact, I think more are on your side of the "trust" fence. I think it comes down to the frequency and severity that one's trust has been violated in the past to how quickly/easly they can trust again in the future -- which I believe is perfectly normal, and understandable. [:)]

Tristan -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 7:43:24 PM)
quote: I think that if we deal with the content of our relationships that we are in, whether they survive or not we have improved our relationship skills. It would be hard to find a wiser statement. This is how I tried to live my life with family, friends, and romantic partners.

NuevaVida -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 8:52:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 I really respect what NuevaVida and juliaoceania said. As far trusting again...I guess it depends on what the trust issues were. Did someone cheat once? Did someone lie constantly and always beg for forgiveness and then do it again? Etc. I think the more you love someone and they have broken your heart and trust, the harder it is to trust again. I also think that you have to be lucky to connect with a new person who understands you. Sometimes, the new guy feels you are not going to trust him because of your past. So that is why I try not to discuss the past with new men; why should they know I had my heart broken and trust broken? If it gets serious, I might tell them, it will depend on the situation. I believe, as Nueva Vida said, the most important lesson is to trust yourself first. That way you will not get into that situation again and ignore the red flags or, if no red flags, stay too long in a situation that resulted in loss of trust. Hi sexyred1, I wanted to comment on the bolded part. I agree that the more you love (or the more you invest of yourself) the harder it is to trust after heartbreak. But I also believe that once some distance is made, between you and the relationship, the more that becomes revealed to you about the relationship, and the greater the lessons. I also agree with what you said about being with someone who understands you. Here's the catchy part, though (at least it was for me) - - It was imperative to me to not invest in someone who didn't understand me. It was critically important to me to be myself - to not stifle myself again, to be free to just be who I am - all facets of me (passionate, dork, goofball, sexual, compassionate, happy, deep & intense, scared, strong, weak, clumsy, etc.). I found this actually took some effort, because it was easier for me to resort to past "safe" behaviors of stifling these things so he wouldn't think less of me. I had to remind myself (quite a lot at first) that I didn't want to be with someone who would think less of me for being...well...me. Quite a concept, but one that took me awhile to truly embrace. For me it goes hand in hand with being honest with yourself, and it goes hand in hand with trusting myself to be honest with myself. As for ignoring red flags, I think it also goes beyond that. I had to not only look at them, but be honest with myself about them. It's so easy (at least it was for me) to rationalize a red flag away and make excuses for them, so that you don't see the other person in a lesser light than you want to see them in. It was my mother who told me to trust myself. When I asked her how could I ever trust again, she responded, "It's not that those men lied to you - you lied to yourself by choosing to believe them, when you knew deep down they were lying." I have been with the Mister two years now, but let me tell you, I put a lot of effort into staying honest with myself. If something didn't feel right to me, it was brought up. I could no longer connect the dots into the picture I wanted to see, but forced myself to see what picture came together on its own, and decide if that was a world I wanted to live in. I had to look this man in the eye and, even though I was coming to love him and wanted to be with him, tell him, "If XYZ is what you want, this isn't going to work, because I can't compromise myself like that again." And I had to trust in myself, that I would actually be that honest with myself and with him. In other words, I had to trust not only in my ability to play an honest and active role in the creation of the relationship, but in my insistence on using that ability. These were big steps for me - huge steps, actually. This is why I believe with all my heart that it is absolutely necessary to trust yourself first, before you can truly trust another with your care.

juliaoceania -> RE: Trusting (6/14/2011 10:23:05 PM)
quote: As for ignoring red flags, I think it also goes beyond that. I had to not only look at them, but be honest with myself about them. It's so easy (at least it was for me) to rationalize a red flag away and make excuses for them, so that you don't see the other person in a lesser light than you want to see them in. And this is the key to trusting yourself... because as we trust ourselves, we will not ignore the red flags as much as we will when we do not. Self acceptance makes us more realistic as to what we accept in our lives....

KiGirl -> RE: Trusting (6/15/2011 1:51:34 AM)
I've found that trust is exponentially more difficult to give each time that I offer it to someone. And yes, it is a different sort of trust than I experienced with the person before, because both I and my partner are different people, no matter how slight the change may be. But in general, I find that, even if the effort turns out to be a waste, it's worth it to place trust in someone who has stuck it out with you for a while. Not only will it teach you things about him and about your capacity for trust, but it will force you to examine how well you trust yourself...always a good thing to know.

sexyred1 -> RE: Trusting (6/16/2011 10:29:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 I really respect what NuevaVida and juliaoceania said. As far trusting again...I guess it depends on what the trust issues were. Did someone cheat once? Did someone lie constantly and always beg for forgiveness and then do it again? Etc. I think the more you love someone and they have broken your heart and trust, the harder it is to trust again. I also think that you have to be lucky to connect with a new person who understands you. Sometimes, the new guy feels you are not going to trust him because of your past. So that is why I try not to discuss the past with new men; why should they know I had my heart broken and trust broken? If it gets serious, I might tell them, it will depend on the situation. I believe, as Nueva Vida said, the most important lesson is to trust yourself first. That way you will not get into that situation again and ignore the red flags or, if no red flags, stay too long in a situation that resulted in loss of trust. Hi sexyred1, I wanted to comment on the bolded part. I agree that the more you love (or the more you invest of yourself) the harder it is to trust after heartbreak. But I also believe that once some distance is made, between you and the relationship, the more that becomes revealed to you about the relationship, and the greater the lessons. I also agree with what you said about being with someone who understands you. Here's the catchy part, though (at least it was for me) - - It was imperative to me to not invest in someone who didn't understand me. It was critically important to me to be myself - to not stifle myself again, to be free to just be who I am - all facets of me (passionate, dork, goofball, sexual, compassionate, happy, deep & intense, scared, strong, weak, clumsy, etc.). I found this actually took some effort, because it was easier for me to resort to past "safe" behaviors of stifling these things so he wouldn't think less of me. I had to remind myself (quite a lot at first) that I didn't want to be with someone who would think less of me for being...well...me. Quite a concept, but one that took me awhile to truly embrace. For me it goes hand in hand with being honest with yourself, and it goes hand in hand with trusting myself to be honest with myself. As for ignoring red flags, I think it also goes beyond that. I had to not only look at them, but be honest with myself about them. It's so easy (at least it was for me) to rationalize a red flag away and make excuses for them, so that you don't see the other person in a lesser light than you want to see them in. It was my mother who told me to trust myself. When I asked her how could I ever trust again, she responded, "It's not that those men lied to you - you lied to yourself by choosing to believe them, when you knew deep down they were lying." I have been with the Mister two years now, but let me tell you, I put a lot of effort into staying honest with myself. If something didn't feel right to me, it was brought up. I could no longer connect the dots into the picture I wanted to see, but forced myself to see what picture came together on its own, and decide if that was a world I wanted to live in. I had to look this man in the eye and, even though I was coming to love him and wanted to be with him, tell him, "If XYZ is what you want, this isn't going to work, because I can't compromise myself like that again." And I had to trust in myself, that I would actually be that honest with myself and with him. In other words, I had to trust not only in my ability to play an honest and active role in the creation of the relationship, but in my insistence on using that ability. These were big steps for me - huge steps, actually. This is why I believe with all my heart that it is absolutely necessary to trust yourself first, before you can truly trust another with your care. You always have the wisest advice. I agree with everything you have said. Your mother was right, in fact, my own Mom said to me today that she thinks my last relationship screwed me up regarding trust. If and when I meet someone who seems worthwhile to engage with, I know with 100% assurance that I will never take any crap again and never ignore red flags. I can honestly say that I believe that with all my brain and heart. Why? Because I learned what happens when you do ignore them.

leadership527 -> RE: Trusting (6/17/2011 8:31:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again? OK, I haven't been at "this" very long, but I have been at "relationships" for 28 years or so. And yeah, I've been burned badly in the past..... very, very badly. Yes, I trust again. I do so because I must. I want emotional intimacy and the price tag for that is vulnerability. It's going to require trust. So I do what I must and shove all my chips in when I get a new hand because I'm unwilling to fold and walk from the table entirely. I remind myself that if the worst happens and my trust is breached in every conceivable way, I will still survive. I am strong.

gungadin09 -> RE: Trusting (6/17/2011 3:19:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again? Haven't been doing this that long; my trust issues came from prior relationships, romantic and otherwise. For those who have managed to find you can trust once again, is it as deep as it was before? Not nearly. i'm still working on it, but right now i'm in a kind of selfish "pam doing what's right for pam" phase. Did it come easily or was it hard work, meaning harder than before? It's hard work that i'm honestly not prepared to do at the moment. Do you still hold back a part of yourself? Yes. pam

SlaveKelly4life -> RE: Trusting (7/4/2011 11:54:16 AM)
Trust is a very key component of any relationship, but it seems more so in a D/s or M/s relationship. Personally, trust was broken by my ex-husbands, in both of my vanilla marriages. Yes, for a very long time I thought it would be difficult if not impossible to trust any man again. However, I began to realize that no two people are the same, men are not all the same and neither are we women. Everyone should be given the opportunity to show if they are or are not trustworthy, before simply being judged on past relationships.

Canaille -> RE: Trusting (7/4/2011 3:17:43 PM)
For me, the trust issues don't come from the past. The trust issues come from the men that keep contacting me looking for a kinky piece on the side without the wife knowing. In all seriousness, yes, trust is a major problem for me. It took months for my mentor to even begin cracking my shell, and it was a full year of me making every effort to open up to him before I finally could. Did I mention that my mentor is amazingly patient? But a year, just to be able to talk about things without flinching every time I thought I was going to say something that displeased him. That's not even adding the extra "eeek!" of actually being in love with someone and wanting to belong to them. The thing for me was, it wasn't that I didn't trust him to talk to him. I'd trust the man with my daughter's life. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust that I could handle it if he got angry, and I really didn't trust myself to face some of the things that I'd gone through in my past and not fly all to pieces again. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to clear that hurdle with a new Dom. I don't know if this helps you at all. I hope it does in some small way.

littleone35 -> RE: Trusting (7/7/2011 8:43:32 AM)
I did find it hard to trust again at first. Once you gave trust and it was abused it makes one think twice. For instance at one point i was involved wih Dom and was starting trusted him. Then his other sub i did not know about hacked into his account and e mailed me(my hard limit is to be the only one). Needless to say i dropped him like a bad habit. Now with my Master i trust him completly mind, heart and body. This is the deepest turst i have ever had in my adult relationships. Master earned my trust easily he has never lied to me everything he does is abveboard. His word is his bond. I do not hold anything back. All i am is his. Matt's littleone

tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Trusting (7/8/2011 11:12:49 AM)
I've been burned many times in the past. Usually cheating or huge lies. Yet I open myself up to trust again everytime and get burned again. I won't give up. My worst flaw is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and fall fast. I tell the man I meet that I do so. And the married men who tell you they're single then oopsie turns out they're married and are looking for a piece on the side. I still go ahead and try to get to know someone, but I am leery. Can't help but be. I try not to project my past on the present, but it's not always easy.

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