Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (Full Version)

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cookiecrumble -> Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 12:20:04 AM)

Hi, ive joined this site today because i really need some advice. Been in 24/7 with my Master for 5 years,He is a bit older than me but now He seems to be no longer interested in our bdsm life. He has gone all vanilla on me but He has found a new sub who He has played with twice and seems it seems to me that whilst He no longer wants to play with me (or even just plain sex ) He wants to Dom her. She is a masochist and this has really sparked His interest. He chats with her online at least once a day and they text eachother. He keeps assuring me that he loves me and i am sure He does but it is hard to accept that He wants from her what he no longer wants from me. Ive always had a high sex drive and He knows that, but to be honest i feel like if we spend any sex time together He is just going through the motions, im a job He has to get done.

So my question is, ive been thinking about finding a new Dom/Domme for myself, should i? Please dont say talk to Himabout it because i already have. He says He loves me and im His world but He says He no longer has the drive that He once did and that His bdsm interest was always linked with sex and that He no longer wants that much at all if at all. Yet He wants it from her..... some advise would be appreciated. Much appreciated.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 12:29:41 AM)

you've been dumped, but he's to fucking much of a coward to make it official. he's keeping you around as back-up. if you don't mind being plan b, then stick around, but if i were you i'd pack my shit and walk away.

hannah lynn



Charnegui -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 12:37:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

you've been dumped, but he's to fucking much of a coward to make it official. he's keeping you around as back-up. if you don't mind being plan b, then stick around, but if i were you i'd pack my shit and walk away.

hannah lynn


You are absolutely right on this Hannah Lynn.
Finding a new Dom, won't solve this, let the heartache come in, get over it and find yourself a new life.

(She said from experience)

When I moved on and let my curiosity prevail, my relationship seem to come to an end.
Finally I can say, that I'm not in panic anymore to loose him.



Rule -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 1:53:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cookiecrumble
some advise would be appreciated.

I dunno. It seems to me that you have noticed a problem. How do you feel about the issue?



cookiecrumble -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 2:05:49 AM)

Thank you for the advice. It is very hard because i really love him but im walking around with a continual knot in my stomach. I could accept him not wanting sex of any flavour with me if he had simply no more interest but its the fact that he obviously wants to Dom her that bothers me. He says he is not interested in sex anymore and that his interest in bdsm was linked to sex, fair enough for me too but now he says he has no drive yet he sits on the computer chatting to her for hours, he happily Doms her online and as i say she has come to our home. I had to do her up (he says he doesnt fancy her its just she is a masochist and he gets to engage in heavy play (which im not in too but never have been and he knows that). He says he still loves me and im sure in his way he does but i cant get over my feeling of being completely inadequate. As i said before, he has no real interest in any play with me and when we do anything at all it just seems like im a job he has to get done. Is it just that she is something new and more exciting? He was chatting with her online 6 months before she came here. To be honest he sends messages out to other women all the time but its never bothered me because i just thought it would come to nothing anyway but now it has. I was wondering if i should just accept the situation and just find myself a new Dom/Domme to play with and accept that our relationship will be borderline platonic from now on. But i also feel angry and betrayed, im not sure if i can get over that feeling.



Charnegui -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 2:15:23 AM)

I am really confused now, after reading your profile on the other side



Softsexysub -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 2:25:57 AM)

Im no pro but seems to me if shes not fueling him to get off on you, then hes getting off on her and justher.
Follow your gut.



Rule -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 3:01:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cookiecrumble
when we do anything at all it just seems like im a job he has to get done.

That I can counsel you on: stop having sex with him. He obviously is not sexually interested in you.



Rule -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 3:46:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charnegui
I am really confused now, after reading your profile on the other side

Ah.



littlewonder -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 4:00:37 AM)

she's a new toy.

How do you get when you buy something new? Excited? Can't wait to play with it and use it? Eventually the newness wears off though huh?

You were the new toy. It wore off. He's found another new toy. She'll wear off too.

But we still like to keep our toys around for awhile until we're tired of them completely and we throw them away......

He's one of these kinda guys sorry to say.




kalikshama -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 4:20:03 AM)

How would you feel if he moved her in? Because it sounds to me like it's heading in the direction of her increasingly being around.

If you want to stay married to him, it is in the realm of possibility that you two be platonic and get your BDSM fixes with 3rd and 4th parties. I'm sure some people could make this work. However, because you feel, in your own words, "inadequate, angry and betrayed," I doubt this is a good solution for you. Best to deal with the pain of separating, and eventually find someone who will cherish you.

You can tell him, "I can't live like this - you can continue things the way that they've been but be aware that if you do I'm leaving." It is possible that when you start packing up, he will snap out of it and realize you are more important to him than a (mostly) cyber fantasy. (But don't "pretend" to leave - commit to leave and be aware that this is one possibility.



DarkSteven -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 5:11:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cookiecrumble
Please dont say talk to Himabout it because i already have. He says He loves me and im His world but He says He no longer has the drive that He once did and that His bdsm interest was always linked with sex and that He no longer wants that much at all if at all.


Nope.  You told him that you feel neglected, whereupon he made comforting noises but changed nothing.  You have NOT told him that you're planning to go outside your marriage to get your itch scratched.  Because your profile wouldn't require discretion of your prospective playmate otherwise.

You need to have a second talk with him.  He's oblivious and knowing you're planning to go outside the marriage will be a huge eye opener for him.  I won't guarantee it'll go well, but it'll go a helluva lot better than when he finds out you've been cheating on him.

And yes there IS a difference because he's been open about it.



GreedyTop -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 5:24:34 AM)

what Steven said



poise -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 7:13:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cookiecrumble

I could accept him not wanting sex of any flavour with me if he had simply no more interest but its the fact that he obviously wants to Dom her that bothers me. I was wondering if i should just accept the situation and just find myself a new Dom/Domme to play with and accept that our relationship will be borderline platonic from now on. But i also feel angry and betrayed, im not sure if i can get over that feeling.


Your desire to be sexual with another man has nothing to do with fulfilling your needs and more to do with
getting back at him. While I don't judge anyone's need for casual play, you will only be adding another spark
to a relationship that is already going up in smoke.

Since you also mentioned he is older, it is possible that he is having some emotional issues due to his loss
of a sex drive, and while that loss isn't your fault, he may have found that heavy play is essential in keeping
his drive in motion, so to speak. Maybe he does love you, but hates the thought of never having a sex drive even more.

Communication is the only way to find a resolution to the issues you are both dealing with.



Hillwilliam -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 8:04:20 AM)

cookie, My gut feeling is that you already know what to do, you just want confirmation here.

I'm afraid it's over. If the relationship isn't dead yet, it's on life support.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 8:18:12 AM)

Only you can decide what you should do.  However, it sounds to me like the two of you are failing to communicate.

He seems to be seeking a poly dynamic, while you seem to want the relationship to remain monogamous.

I'm probably being generous in describing what he's doing as being "poly".  If it were a true poly relationship, he would be paying attention to both you AND her.  Instead, it sounds like he's only paying attention to her.  That actually makes it sound like you're about to get dumped. 

I know that you said that you don't want us to recommend that you talk to him, but that seems like the best advice.  Beyond that, the only thing I could recommend is to simply leave.  After all, if the relationship is making you miserable rather than making you happy, then why are you staying in it?  You can't change him, but you can change your own actions.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 8:19:32 AM)

This is me, my beliefs and nothing more:

If you must go out and find someone new, then do it honestly.  Tell your husband that you are doing it.  Discretion is just a pretty word for two liars too cowardly to own their deceptions.



windchymes -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 9:08:52 AM)

Sometimes the seven-year itch arrives early. He may love you and all the nice things you do for him, but he is IS interested in sex, just not sex with you. Somebody else is putting starch in his shorts now. I'd be having some serious talks with him with your reality glasses on and preparing to make some serious decisions on what you're going to do.

No matter how many fancy BDSM terms we all describe the situation with, bottom line is, he's having the proverbial mid-life crisis. This isn't something new.

If it were me, I'd be out the door before he drains the bank account to buy a sports car, new clothes, and a toupee.



juliaoceania -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 9:29:39 AM)

If it was me, I would leave



LadyConstanze -> RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? (6/14/2011 10:27:47 AM)

It reminds me of the "Oh but I do like you, just not this way, let's just stay friends..."

He wants to have his cake and eat it, you're there and you're his old trusty comfort blanket, he doesn't want a scene or possibly a break up and then he'll have to organize stuff and a divorce might cost, he wants to have a shiny new toy and keep the old toy as well...

It's up to you, but I'd have kicked him to the curb.



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