quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Not necessarily our fathers, but men that we admire, look up too. Men that have been an almost overwhelming positive in our lives. One, two, or all. Let's talk about them. Let's talk about why they are so awesome, what influences they've had on your lives and/or others.

In childhood, we moved almost every year of my life.  During the first time my dad went crazy, my sister was sent to one relative and I was sent to another.  An old retired couple.  I was only around three something, and my life hadn't been normal.  Somehow they saw this and helped to heal my soul.  They were calm and peaceful people, nothing loud or scary or hurtful about them...and I had amazing freedom to just run around and be a kid.  We were in Florida and I spent my days at the beach, swimming in the water with a floatable and building sand castles.  I don't remember many things about Aunt Flo and Uncle Syd, mostly just how they made me feel.  He was diabetic and I used to watch him give himself shots, and I felt keenly sorry for him, thinking they hurt as bad as rubella shots I had to have that felt like liquid Draino being shot into my skin, but he would laugh while he gave himself insulin, telling me that compared with an ant bite, he couldn't even feel this. 

I should mention an uncle who is married to my aunt, because he is a good man, but during the time I spent with them...I didn't get to know him well.  I watched in disbelief as his kids plowed into him and squealed with joy and all that when he came home from work, and I wondered if they were nuts to greet a daddy that way.  I stood way back and observed him, like watching a bug under a microscope, waiting for the mask to drop.  By the time I started to figure out that he had no evil side it was time to go again.  (I would not have wanted to continue living with them because my aunt and I didn't get along.  When I thoughtlessly came in from the horses' stalls with my boots on, taking half a dozen steps into her living room before she came screaming and ripping me around like some rag doll by my hair, I was only about six.  Another time, I couldn't control the pony and it got into some shed it wasn't supposed to and was munching away at the oats while I tugged mightily on the reigns, she came at the pony with a switch and I had to hang on for dear life while it went on a bucking bronco type spree.)

My ex-husband and I met each other at the lowest times in our lives.  We were both feeling so overwhelmed by the badness of life that we were feeling suicidal.  We were best friends, so instead of dying we got married.  It was very peaceful and both of us needed some years of peace, but there was no spark and eventually he wanted babies (at a time in our lives when it would have been insane to have kids) and when push came to shove, he didn't show me the loyalty I needed to deepen my trust and I didn't see us as a family unit anymore.  He would obey the psychotic brother he detested instead of choosing to hear my pleading.  We separated and divorced, but we are still friends, talking over the phone several times per week.

He is a hard worker, never raised his voice to me and never hit me, but I couldn't trust him to stop endangering my declawed house cat and this made it difficult to trust he would be mindful of the needs of babies and little children.  He used to leave our apartment door wide open while he went to the apartment building's laundry room for twenty minutes to half an hour at a time, and no amount of reasoning with him nor pleading would get him to change.  Even when my cat needed veterinary visits because of him.  To him it was a small thing and he saw no reason to change. 

Guys in my life have been very limited after that.  I stopped dating after I had my son, until he was around 14 or 15.  I met nobody who was appropriate to let him get to know and form an emotional attachment to, and saw no need for him to experience a long stream of "uncles".  If/when I fall in love and believe the relationship can be long term...

My son's innocence and goodness help to remind me that there are good men out there. 

Two men that I know from online and phone conversations are helping me through a very rough time right now.  kittygirlmina is a good listener, and phones me daily just to let me hear myself talk, and is something of a cheerleader in a quiet, peaceful way.  I wished he lived close by because we would both enjoy some mother/daughter type time together. 

The other male helping me through this is Termyn8or.  His help is entirely different and something I need right now.  I have never been drunk in my life but wanted to go on a week long binge...and he gave a lecture about not using "medication" to hide away from ugly shiite.  Getting drunk is for happy times with friends, or to party, not a form of self medication.

I have never been helped before by people telling me that the past is the past...because with me, time has not always moved in a linear fashion.  Nightmares and flashbacks have made me keep reliving the past, and I had no choice about forgetting and putting it behind me.  The more I tried to put the past in the past the bigger it bit me in the arse.  I've never had a choice about this, and it has always offended me when family or two past boyfriends talked at me like I could turn all of the nightmares, night terrors, flashbacks off but...wouldn't.

The other day when Jeff (Termyn8or) phoned me, he gave me a mental adjustment, several actually, that helped me to get a grip.  Without offending me, lol.  Part of what he said will always be the voice in my head, and does for me what no shrink has been able to do.  I cannot explain how hearing that gruff voice saying, "Is anyone hurting you RIGHT NOW?" gives my present teeth to bite my past memories back with.  I have had a week pass by without any of the expected nightmares and flashbacks that should have been triggered by...something, and I owe this to my dear friends, mina, Jeff, and angelicaJ (not a guy, but I have to give credit where credit is due). 

Some things only guy friends can think of, and I needed Termyn8or's...well...Terminator attitude.  Jeff, I hope you don't mind my saying this but a brief flash of hero worship hit when you said that if you are ever in Hell, you are going to look my dad up and kick his ass for me.

  Thank you.  (I am not flirting with him, youze guys.  He is a friend and this is my way of showing appreciation.)

LaTigresse, while it is true that I have hardly any good memories of men in my life, and yes, I have major trust issues AND men have to prove themselves to me to earn my trust, I am just floored, in a good way, to read all these happy memories from other people.  It is almost painful to read and I can only handle one page at this time, but will come back later to catch up on what I missed.  (Yes, that was meant both ways.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SilverMark

For all the crazy, it is good to know what I always suspected...Term is a good guy!

quote:

Sometimes I think it must really suck to be a man,