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Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/12/2004 11:24:22 AM

serenity2u

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/9/2004
From: MSN
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I have recently been abandoned by a older Dom.. We had a contract signed and we were going to be RT in California 2000 miles away from where i am now.. He recently cut me off.. He lweft the website we were building together,he chose a chatroom to stay in (around subbies mostly)He shut me off ims,and did this without a word..I have known him for 3 years would of been..We bounced off and on but this was the last time and i told him no more if he left or we broke up. We waited to go RT because of the move and being financial set up ..But he did this to me..I kind of expected it because he done it before so in my heart i knew he'd wander again..But I have a feeling it has to do with another subby close by him..He proclaims to be a Mentor but he does not practice what he teaches..a Player in my eyes. I am not upset just wish there was dedicated people in the lifestyle.. I would love to belong and stay belong but where are the Doms that donot look at age(48 here) and sees strength and strong-willed..??I am looking again but I would hope the next Dom would be more RT and less a preacher.. I appreciate talking and communication but using this excuse to talk to subbies is alot of BS.. in my opinion.. So where are they any ideas?? be well and safe hugs serenity

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/12/2004 11:57:40 AM

theroebabe

Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
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Hi Serenity

I am sorry you had to go thru this but thw way i see it you are better off finding out now before you moved.

There are good and honorable people out there, you just have to get thru the wannabees and do me doms before you find them.

Keep your chin up and know when the time is right you will find each other.

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/12/2004 12:10:57 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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serenity,
Sorry for your experience. In reading your profile you have much to offer a Dom, especially the 'purity' of previous experience. your age should be of no concern, but until you do have to opportunity to be with someone I know it will be to you. Be strong.

you ask for "ideas". Based on your post one is very obvious. Don't wait 3 years to meet in real time. The 2000 miles also isn't easy to overcome, but it's not impossible. Why over the past 3 years didn't you visit each other?

quote:

But he did this to me..I kind of expected it....

He contributed, but you are equally responsible. Especially considering, "I kind of expected it". He didn't abandon you, he just couldn't keep up the charade any longer. Has he met anyone in real life - ever? Sure he isn't married? Really sure?? Again serenity, look at the complete picture and all the situations that came up over the course of this three year run. How much reality about him do you know?

your description of him fits perfectly with the profile of someone who is only interested in an on-line relationship. Can I guess that each prior break up came at a point when meeting in real time was scheduled?

Where are the Doms, 'dedicated' Doms - REAL Doms? They are all around you. A hint....few would have a three year relationship and not meet.

One last question. How do you create and sign a contract never having met, and never having any real time lifestyle experience?

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/12/2004 12:34:04 PM

Chaos

Posts: 30
Joined: 4/1/2004
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Please accept my sympathy Serenity.

I really don't see a whole lot of difference between a "Dom" that will not commit RL, and any other net guy that won't commit RL.

I have a (former) friend, who has declared herself "in love" and planned her wedding FIVE TIMES with FIVE DIFFERENT guys on line. (that is the reason for the "former" thing, I can only stand so much stupidity). She is not in the lifestyle anymore and in fact is trying to distance herself from her past. I still see her making the same mistakes.

Most of the reasonable people around here preach being careful about who you meet, and I would be that last one to discourage that. In the end though, it is necessary to meet the people you are planning a LTR with. Online doesn't cut it.

I hope you will find what you seek. Good Luck

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/12/2004 1:07:46 PM

sub4hire

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serenity,
Keep your chin up the real people are out there. It is easy to allow ourselves to let our guards down online. People say what you want to hear. You don't hear what you don't care to hear. In my opinion this is where the "one" people refer to come in. The one does not exist for any of us. None of us are perfect.
Anyway, getting a bit off track there. Perhaps you are looking too hard? Why not take some time out. Just reflect and make some friends. You never know who you may run into.

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/12/2004 4:16:07 PM

Nvernilla

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
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Sorry you had this bad experience with this guy but you are better for it. Be strong and don't give up there is someone for everyone so there is someone for you...Mike

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/12/2004 10:55:36 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
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I would ask myself why I never met this Dom ever in three years. Or why if I was looking for RL, why I would stay with a Dom who was so far away for so long.

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/13/2004 4:14:20 AM

MistressKiss

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I suppose I agree with my friend Estring. Why would you consider going RT with a person that you have known for three years and had an online relationship, yet had not met in that three year period? How did you sign a contract with someone you have not met? This is an issue, partly, of using good common sense when it comes to making a commitment to and with someone you have never met. Bad idea!! You may be submissive but that does not mean that you are available or willing to submit to any dominant, simply because he is dominant. It sounds fishy on the dominant's part, and it seems that you may have been suckered by a man who seemingly had something to hide.

You really must (you, meaning all submissives) not only look for the red flags that should alert you to bad situations before they get started and you have an emotional investment. Listen to your gut...you mentioned that you were not surprised - THAT was the time to get out. The bottom line is that you and you alone are responsible for your safety - and that includes protecting yourself against a broken heart and painful emotional blows.

You have my best wishes.

< Message edited by MistressKiss -- 10/13/2004 4:16:30 AM >

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/13/2004 5:37:56 AM

cynnacent1

Posts: 340
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Sorry to hear of your disheartening experience serenity2u. i won't get into the lecture of 'online contact only vs the pitfalls of such, or turning the other way and refusing to truly take heed of red flags, etc etc, or of how his behavior is most likely a solid sign of lack of responsability etc ect'. Many here have already stated such. i'm hoping you are aware of such, regardless.

my suggestion is that you view it as a learning experience, and not repeat the same mistakes in the future, and walk away from the situation with a sense of awareness ... and grow from it.

-- Think REAL ! Attend munches and other appropriate BDSM lifestyle events local to you perhaps ?

An online relationship resulting in a three year wait is simply TOO long of a time to wait before meeting. i was involved in a friendship of 3 years online which evolved into one of a romantic nature and then continued as such for about 8 months. The actual meeting was put on the back burner far too many times for this one which further fed my desire and need for something REAL. The desire was strong enough, and the frustration with be put off about meeting was even stronger. i ended up spending less and less time with him online and found myself here at collarme. Once i began my search here at collarme, i set my standards higher, ( local inquiries only, single men only, DOMs only, older only, experienced only etc ect ..... and i replied with interest ONLY to those who met these needs). i refused to relive the same mistake again and am enjoying the results.

Dedicating (dedicated) Doms,where are they? i don't know where the rest are but mine ( INSIDEYOURMIND

) is fast asleep in the next room here.

Set your expectations high, settle for nothing less, hang in there and do not give up.

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/13/2004 8:55:35 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
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Sorry to hear about your loss. am fairly sure there maybe more to the story then you report. Yet it is never good to see one just cast adrift like that.
It maybe that he is just a "player" and is afreaid of the commitment on his end that would be required for a R?T commit. Or indeed he found someone different.
In anycase the reasons now are mute and its time to grow from the experiance. and move forward.. and be glad you did not make the move and then were cast off..

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/29/2004 9:53:39 AM

serenity2u

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/9/2004
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Lets say everyone I learned and have moved onward. Even tho I have noone in my life I donot think one is out there to my liking.. I have had ones email me asking me to email them,I donot find satisfaction in persuing a online relationship..Then I have had one say if we don't meet how will he know if we are meant for each other,living 900 miles away from me..I find that risky because not knowing who this person is online before hand why go the distance and find out its not a compatibility.So I wait patiently and i have for 7 years and i will another 7 years..If it takes that long to find my match then so be it I shall wait..but it will be taken offline...smiles thank you Everyone for your support and comforting words I wish everyone happiness and love in their futures.. serenity

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/29/2004 9:50:33 PM

Yankeestick

Posts: 91
Joined: 10/11/2004
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Hi Serenity -

This is not going to be a lecture - or even an instructional video (smile) - but more of an observation.

The fact is that ALL of us, whether we define ourselves as Dominant, submissive, Master, slave, vanilla, chocolate, or New York Super Fudge crunch - are FIRST and FOREMOST human beings.

When we forget that, because we're caught up in the intoxication that the BDSM experience can provide, we're walking on shaky ground. That doesn't mean that things will work out badly if we start out with a LDR, or whatever the quirkiness of the situation might be. It just means that we need to access our common sense and deep wisdom - something we all have inside - to get a reality check as we move along the winding path of the relationship.

That's true for all human beings - not just kinky ones.

Of course, sitting here in the lofty tower of my office, that's easy to say. But it can be hard to do in the heat of the moment's experience.

And so it helps me - and it helps my few close friends - to have someone else to turn to for that reality check sometimes - especially if thiings seem weird, strange, or just unfulfilling somehow in the relationship I'm pursuing.

Just so you know, it's not only subs who get abandoned by Doms - that door definitely swings both ways, and can hit a dominant/master in the face just as hard as it can a submissive/slave. And surely there have been plenty of "vanillas" who've been left at the alter - and plenty more who've woken up to find he or she has split, emptied out the checking account, and taken all the cd's!

We're talking about the human experience, after all - and not just the BDSM experience.

With that context for your very real current experience of suffering, perhaps you can take hope, and not give up on your very personal dreams and desires. Just because someone loved you and left you, and you loved well but perhaps not wisely - that is no reason to abandon the desire for love - YOUR KIND OF LOVE - ever after.

Most of us need a breather after such an experience - a time to back off, reflect, learn some very personal life lessons, grow wisdom from our pain.

Take the time you need. Don't let anyone rush you - and don't rush yourself.

And then honor your heart, your mind, and your soul again - when you are ready to do so - and not before.

See you on the other side - Be well.

Yankeestick

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/29/2004 11:38:54 PM

MistressDREAD

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quote:

I am not upset just wish there was dedicated people in the lifestyle..

There are dedicated people in the Lifestyle Serinity
however interacting with folks online will not avail you to those dedicated folks most times as many here online are just that, online roleplayers and not actuall Lifestylers whom live the life in real life. If you want to have a real life with a Lifestyler I suggest you go where they are in real life. I interact with online Men and Woman whom have no real life experiance in BDSM or D/s or M/s or any of the other Alternate Lifestyle practices here online daily. They bring vanilla views to that which They fantasize and when they are done with thier fantasy simply move on and go away when the situation no longer feeds their need. They have not learned what Our Lifestyle is about and only want the sexual or mental stimulation pretending online holds for their egos. When the grass gets greener on the other side, thats the side they step to forgetting the grass they just cut below their feet.
Im looked apon by Many Vanillas here online as cold and callous, hell Im looked apon by many of My Own Lifestylers here online as such as well but with a good reason. I am the way I am because I know that people always take actions with out looking or thinking about their reprocussions till after the fact. Then they dont give a shit. Thats why I always give My worst side first and warn most to look out for they will be given pain by one whom proclaims to be a Sadist so when I choose to practice what I preach there is no one moaning and groaning over how I act. I am a Dedicated Sadistic Domme here online and in real life and with time and patience that which you seek Serinity will come to you. Never stop seeking.JMO

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RE: Dedicating Doms,where are they? - 10/30/2004 7:47:54 AM

INSIDEYOURMIND

Posts: 483
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serenity,
I looked at your profile, it begins with "I will not play online as an unsubmissive", maybe that is the beginning of your downfall, if you seek dedication, then stop playing, and get serious.
Using the Internet to meet like minded people is fine, and believe me, there are plenty of dedicated, real people out there. You may have to take risks, and actually meet them, but if you want real, and dedicated, get up from your computer chair, and get involved.

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