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Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 5:22:44 AM   
submuma81


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/17/2011
Status: offline 		I'm into a longterm relationship with a vanilla guy but I've not been totally upfront about how kinky I am - I've been with Dom guys in the past and was heavily into a lot of things for a while before we met, which he doesn't know.

So far I've got him to do some pretty soft stuff with me like biting, holding down during sex but I know he does it more because I like it then because he does. I want to take things further with him but he doesn't come across as a natural Dom and I'm wondering if I can ever get him to like it enough to do it well.

I'm interested in whether you can turn a non Dom man into a Dom when they don't show a natural interest in being so?

Any experience/advice would be welcome?
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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 5:27:28 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		you can't make someone into something they don't want to be.
if you know he's mostly doing it because you want him to, and not because he does, then you probably have your answer.
he could be holding back because he has lots of stuff in his own head to sort out like "is this really okay?"
but for the most part, if he's not independently interested in taking charge, you can't really make him.

(i should add, it might be worthwhile to just have a talk with him about this. or watch a movie with some hard-to-miss scenes and see how he responds before talking to him? there are all sorts of ways people try to gauge a partner's possible openness to kink. but you may also have to accept that you won't get your kink needs met from this man.)


< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 6/17/2011 5:35:39 AM >

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 5:35:03 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		.

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 6:59:26 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You cannot "turn" a vanilla into a Dom.  You can awaken a Dom into what he is. But I think the odds are against you.

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 8:26:00 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well, I was a vanilla guy. Now I'm.... well.. not so much. The social dominance of Carol was like a duck to water for me. Sexual dominance is coming much more slowly but is turning out to be an acquired taste. So yes, at least for this one vanilla guy, has made some sort of vanilla->kink transition.

Some points:


  • It's going to take a lot of trust on his part. He's going to have about 2 billion very legitimate, very reasonable concerns. YOU are going to have to make sure it is OK and safe.
  • How far he's able to go with this will always be uncertain... even in the presence of a really trusting partner. For instance, I have no issues bossing Carol around... even in ways she genuinely and strongly does not want. But sexually I tend not to do that. I've experimented a few times taking her when she was very much not in the mood for sex (not neutral but dead set against). I can do it. I find it unsatisfying. I think I'll make a find service-top but I'll never be a true sadist. My pleasure comes from Carol's pleasure, not from her distress.
  • This is going to take a lot of love and patience on both parts. It won't happen over night. Think years not days. You have to be OK with him as he is otherwise you'll constantly be reminding him of his inadequacy and it'll never work.


Good luck.


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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 8:28:20 AM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
You cannot "turn" a vanilla into a Dom.  You can awaken a Dom into what he is. But I think the odds are against you.

I disagree with this. It seems like some sort of intellectual dishonesty.

Call it what you want... I was vanilla in every conceivable way. Now I'm not.

I do agree that the odds are against. I'd say the only reason it worked for Carol and I was the strength of the relationship and her dogged persistence. She was doing it for me, not for her so she had endless patience and a total lack of "you're not good enough".


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 8:36:31 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		You never know. Maybe he has been waiting all his life for someone to say "please tie me up and spank me, Sir.". If he is a good match in other ways, and the relationship is important to you, it is at least worth a try.

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 8:40:00 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		You can turn someone into a Dom; but only if they have the desire.

I turned my ex boyfriend into a Dom; he had never done anything like this before, but I could not have done it had he not fantasized about it or wanted to try it.

Sometimes the experiment fails; he went too far into the sadistic side than I wanted, but it can be done.

On the other hand, my ex husband did not have it in him, despite a desire to try.

You really have to make sure you are compatible with someone in that respect; sometimes it works, sometimes it does not and sometimes it changes to more than you bargained for.

Communication is key.

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 3:28:38 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		I'm in/was in a similar situation. My current SO...the absolute love of my life, no question...was never really into bdsm or submission and dominance. However, I really am, and I think compatibility at that level is very important for my happiness and for the success of the relationships I am in. I told him how I felt, and he was very accepting. He was a little shy about taking control at first...he was raised to be a complete gentlemen and I think it was awkward for him at first...but now, he really enjoys dominating me, and we are gradually working our way up to more intense stuff. I agree that you can't change a person unless they want to change. I think our relationship was able to work out because my SO already had a dominant side to him and because we are so totally in love that we have a tendency to find pleasure in each other's desires. I think the great enjoyment I get out of being a sub, in other words, has made him enjoy being a dom more. But he did start out doing things just because I asked, and it was somewhat awkward, and not so fun for me. But it was NECESSARY, and its finally starting to pay off! ;)

All I can say is COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION. Now may not be the time; only you know that. But if being a sub is important to you, you'll eventually have to communicate your needs clearly or remain in an unfulfilled relationship.

< Message edited by HisPet21 -- 6/17/2011 3:29:09 PM >

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 4:36:48 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submuma81

I'm into a longterm relationship with a vanilla guy but I've not been totally upfront about how kinky I am - I've been with Dom guys in the past and was heavily into a lot of things for a while before we met, which he doesn't know.

So far I've got him to do some pretty soft stuff with me like biting, holding down during sex but I know he does it more because I like it then because he does. I want to take things further with him but he doesn't come across as a natural Dom and I'm wondering if I can ever get him to like it enough to do it well.

I'm interested in whether you can turn a non Dom man into a Dom when they don't show a natural interest in being so?

Any experience/advice would be welcome?


Might not work but might be worth a try, watch a movie with him with kinky undertones, cuddle up to him and tell him how hot you get watching it and you want to try it, he wouldn't be a red blooded male if he wouldn't react, especially if you do dress up a bit... Tell him how you enjoy him taking control, and then jump over your shadow and do a bit of that stuff for him, then let him take over...

If he dislikes kink, well he does dislike it and nothing you can do about it, I don't know what longterm is for you but if you stuck with him for a long time, then there must be a lot more than just sexual attraction, build on that and while you might not tell him everything about your past (after you've been with him for so long, it might be a shock to his system if you tell him now and he might feel he can't measure up to the other guys) rather make him feel that you are experimenting together and praise him everytime he takes control, even if it's not that great, but encourage him.

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Those who do and those who don't!

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 7:22:48 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i would really like to hear more of leadership's experience with this -- i'd never have figured that about you, for whatever reason. interesting

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 7:34:11 PM   
notsopatient


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/13/2011
Status: offline 		I think that if you really want this with him you have to bring him along slowly and really show him that when he is more dominant with you that you are deriving pleasure from it. I think a lot of men have been raised to do their best to treat women with respect and this is interpreted as not being too forcful. on the whole, this is a good thing. I certainly am trying to teach my son to be careful with his power. It can be a big shift from holding a woman down as violence to holding a woman down (who wants and has asked you to do so) as an act of love. there are many things I might not consider doing on my own that I have opened myself to b/c they give my mistress pleasure. sometimes my mistress has asked me to be dominant with another partner. I am really not dominant by nature. I can be aggressive but it took learning that things like rough handleing and fear were someting the other person not only enjoyed but needed with a trusted lover from time to time.

hope you can find something you can use in my reflections, good luck

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 8:20:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Asking him for rough sex has nothing to do with domination. It's about sadism.

A dominant is someone who takes the lead in the relationship. If you are going to cook dinner, and don't know what to make, is he capable of picking something that he knows you can cook? If so, do you do it? If yes, then congratulations, he was dominant and you were submissive during the exchange.

Now if you want to know if he can learn to top you, and to enjoy some sadism, come out naked and drape yourself over his knee and ask him to spank you. If he says he wishes you were spanking him, then he isn't capable of topping. If he's willing to try, and you respond really well, he'll be more likely to do it again. Responding well consists of jumping him and demanding/begging for sex and telling him repeatedly how hot it made you and how you wish he would do it again, only longer and hotter.

Typically it takes a man about six months before he stops seeing himself as a possible monster for hitting a woman he cares about. Before he can accept that if both of you enjoy it and have fun with it, then it isn't abuse.

The more important question here is whether or not he will ever be able to trust you as telling him the truth when you've admitted lying to him for the entire relationship about sex. He's more likely to wonder whether you faked an orgasm every time, after all you have no problem lying to someone you claim to care for.


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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 8:24:36 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		Depends on what you want from a dominant. I think that s/m or bondage are quite easy to incorporate into the bedroom provided he is willing. I find the d/s to be a bit trickier because it is changing how we think. If he wants it then yes doable but if its not there then no.

Ummm i am over tired so i am hoping that made sense OP lol

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 8:49:36 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		This is why I try to do away with labels at this point in my life...

I think I could find a man that would mesh with me that didn't care about the "dom" label, and just enjoyed experimenting with me and enjoying me for who I am (a submissive lady). I need him to like lead the relationship, being assertive sexually, and I need him to know his likes and his dislikes.... and share them with me.

Other than that, he can call himself whatever flavor he likes, I would just call him yummy.

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/17/2011 10:00:51 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submuma81

Can vanilla guy make good Dom?



In short... it depends how one defines "vanilla".  Let me explain... many, in my opinion, incorrectly refer those who've never been involved in this dynamic as "vanilla".  To me, that is NOT "vanilla"... that is merely one who's not been exposed to (or has experience with) this dynamic.  Thus, for me, I define "vanilla" as a person who, when given exposure and opportunity to the Power Exchange Dynamic, is (i) not interested, and (ii) would reject a willing partner.

Thus, given the above, my answer to your question is two-fold:

1)  If the person has merely not been exposed to, or lacks experience with BDSM, they CAN make a good Dom.

2)  If the person has no interest in BDSM, and would REJECT someone who enjoys BDSM, then will NEVER make a good Dom.


I hope this helps?




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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/18/2011 9:18:43 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline
quote:

Other than that, he can call himself whatever flavor he likes, I would just call him yummy.


I award your response tremendous applause!!!!!!

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RE: Can vanilla guy make good Dom? - 6/19/2011 6:22:28 PM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		The best Dom i ever had was nilla, and hes incredible! we all start somewhere. id like to think they were a closet dom tee hee

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