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What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom sho... - 6/19/2011 6:06:20 PM

WinstonSmithNC

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

Hi,

Straight to the point, no bullshit: I have no pre-existing connections with the BDSM community, but I'm not going to feel complete until I can lead with a woman who's comfortable being led.

So...help me avoid stupid mistakes. How do I balance saying what I want with not coming off like a poser or douchebag? How up front are people, really, when it's just us perverts? Anything you've seen a Dom do that made you cringe? Buy me a clue here, people.

< Message edited by WinstonSmithNC -- 6/19/2011 6:07:33 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/19/2011 6:20:27 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

trust is crucial, get to know your girl and make sure to keep a line of communication open, i mean... -really open- also find someone who likes the same things you do and can fit you on a nilla and bdsm lvl... that's a real keeper.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 2

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/19/2011 6:26:12 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Straight up, no bullshit ~ forget the BDSM stuff and get to know her like you would a vanilla woman. Be honest about what you know and what you don't know, be polite, and don't act like a pompous jackass. Focus on finding a woman who shares your interests, values, and life goals. It really is that easy.

_____________________________

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(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 3

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/19/2011 6:48:46 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

First of all, are you talking "first contact" (yeah, I made it sound like you were making advances towards an alien race), or after you have their attention (first meetings, on going talks, etc)

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 4

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/19/2011 9:40:31 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

What SylvereApLeanan said. In order to appropriately dominate a woman...in order to keep her safe, fulfill her needs, carefully push her soft limits, and connect with her, you first need to know who she is as a person. Before getting serious, you probably first want to make sure you are on the same page...that she and you are both looking for, at the very least, a similar dynamic. But after that, treat the relationship like a regular vanilla one for a while. Nothing screams "douchebag" like a dom who wants to be called "Sir" before he's even earned your submission, or who makes demands immediately, as if he has no need to earn your trust and is some how entitled to it because you are a self proclaimed sub and he is a self proclaimed dom.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/19/2011 9:43:17 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

Basically what Sylvere said... Honesty and don't be too full of yourself or take yourself or this bdsm thing TOO seriously. It just makes you look silly. ;)

EDIT: Typo.

< Message edited by BKSir -- 6/19/2011 9:48:51 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to HisPet21)

Post #: 6

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/19/2011 11:09:49 PM

Awareness

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

The single most important thing you need to know is that your ability to dominate a woman - indeed, your right to dominate a woman - flows from your internal strength. It is your strength of will, self-belief and secure personality which provides the foundation upon which all else is built. Every single other piece of useful advice you will be given on this topic fundamentally derives from that single attribute.

In short, your (impossible) goal should be apotheosis. The elevation of your strength of will to levels you cannot even begin to fathom right now. And in pursuing that goal, you become the strong - yet still flawed and still imperfect - man that women adore.

The scene will teach you forms and try and suggest you ape them. Unwise. You can find some useful mechanics there, but the rest is mere theatre and social games. Focus on your character.

A good starting point is Deida's "Way of The Superior Man".

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 7

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/19/2011 11:46:00 PM

TaskMistressAZ

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/10/2011
Status: offline

Be yourself, and, be patient in finding the woman who is also herself. There is no right or wrong thing to say, beyond that. In fact, trying to say the right thing is a guaranteed way to f' up the whole process, since you should not be TRYING, but, exuding your own personality.

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 8

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 12:39:49 AM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
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those are all really fucking good suggestions (well except for one about strength of will and such, that one is just shit).

but they aren't really what you need to know first.

the very first thing you should know, before you even approach a woman within a d/s context is what you want out of it. what are your fucking goals and priorities within the relationship? when you can answer that, you are ready to try find that relationship. until you know what the fuck you want, you can't fucking lead, no matter how much she may want to follow.

get the answer to this question, then follow the other's advice (except that bit about strenght of will, apotheosis, the right to dominate, and the superior man, once again for emphasis, that's complete fucking bullshit and will just screw the fuck out of your chances of ever finding what you want).

_____________________________

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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 9

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 12:41:53 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

chia* (the pet)

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Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 10

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 3:08:07 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

G*d gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason.

(and have fun!)

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to chiaThePet)

Post #: 11

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 4:28:00 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinstonSmithNC

Hi,

Straight to the point, no bullshit: I have no pre-existing connections with the BDSM community, but I'm not going to feel complete until I can lead with a woman who's comfortable being led.

So...help me avoid stupid mistakes. How do I balance saying what I want with not coming off like a poser or douchebag? How up front are people, really, when it's just us perverts? Anything you've seen a Dom do that made you cringe? Buy me a clue here, people.

Be sure to lead all intro letters with a cock shot

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 12

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 5:12:17 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

As much as it pains me to do so, I have to agree with Awareness on this one, internal strength is essential to being a good dominant.

I don't think it is the first and most important thing, however. That would be: know thyself. Mind you, I would suggest this to *anyone* contemplating a romantic relationship. But for a person wishing to be dominant in a relationship, it's crucial. You have to know yourself before you can be secure in your own internal strength.

_____________________________

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 13

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 6:05:39 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

The first thing you need to know? If you need a partner in order to be 'complete' (which is what you said) then you'll make a crappy partner.

Complete yourself, then look at finding a woman to lead. Who wants to be led by someone incomplete?

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 14

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 6:14:00 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

The first thing you need to know? If you need a partner in order to be 'complete' (which is what you said) then you'll make a crappy partner.

Complete yourself, then look at finding a woman to lead. Who wants to be led by someone incomplete?

Yeah, but you sorta need a partner to complete the blowjob, so it isn't all as cut and dried as it seems.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 15

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 6:25:52 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

You carry somewhere around 6 inches of meat below the waist. You use that 6 inches for only a fraction of your life so don't let the other 5 1/2 feet of you go to waste.

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 6/20/2011 6:26:29 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 16

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 8:02:38 AM

WinstonSmithNC

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

julia: mainly 1st contact

Sounds like the group consensus is, treat it like any other social situation, with the exception that you don't have to worry about shocked looks when you mention your kinks.

Anything else I should know for my first munch? Secret handshake? How to tell which is the table full of kinksters and which is the table full of Rotarians?

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 17

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 8:25:30 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinstonSmithNC

julia: mainly 1st contact

Sounds like the group consensus is, treat it like any other social situation, with the exception that you don't have to worry about shocked looks when you mention your kinks.

Anything else I should know for my first munch? Secret handshake? How to tell which is the table full of kinksters and which is the table full of Rotarians?

I have some hints:

Read the profile, make a comment about what sincerely interested you in the profile, find common ground and mention that common ground. It is best that the common ground be about vanilla interests, if possible. If they do not list vanilla interests and they talk about the type of relationship they want, ask them to expand on that.

I find the best way to get people interested in me is by showing I am interested in them.. and in my eyes, no one can dominate me until they can get in my head, and they can't get in my head until they get to know me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 18

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 9:12:37 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Be the kind of man who is more interested in responsibility than authority.
Be the kind of man who is actually worthy of owning a human being -- a hell of a goal in my opinion.
Be patient and pay up front not on credit. Demonstrate your worth BEFORE asking for trust, respect, and obedience.

Probably most importantly, be VERY, VERY clear on what sort of relationship you want to build and have a clear idea of how and why it would work. I personally find most of the memes and patterns within BDSM culture to run counter to the sort of relationship I want. So I cherry picked the pieces that were of interest to me and cobbled together something which works for Carol & I.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to WinstonSmithNC)

Post #: 19

RE: What's the single most important thing a newbie Dom... - 6/20/2011 9:24:52 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

What we do in kink is not any different than in a vanilla relationship. Look to your woman as your partner not a competitor, take care of her, spoil her, make her safe from the outside world. Far more difficult than it sounds. Many people want the fantasy of kink, that dominants are highly evolved, that submission somehow comes easy, etc. Creating a relationship where two people can open up to each other profoundly and share their fears, their weaknesses, their insecurities is not easy but it is amazing once you have done it and you will never go back.

Relationships do not come with on and off switches, they grow, they evolve and each time she shares with you something other men have rejected, her submission grows, each time she expects you to freak out over something and blow a gasket and instead you hold her hand and tell her that sharing that freaks you out but that you want to overcome your fears so you can talk to her about something, the more she melts. Looking at her as your partner, even if she has tears flowing down her cheeks as you torment her, and creating something with that that serves both of you, serves the relationship, the strong the two of you become.

Understand that much of what you read on CM and else is bluster, ask how long those two have been together, take that with a grain of salt and if it doesn't work for you, do not be afraid to discard it.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 20

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