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when looking for a Dom - 6/19/2011 6:26:18 PM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		I know it's easy for Dom's to want to talk about bdsm right away when first meeting them and of course i talk about it but in the end i am looking to get to know someone sometimes.

when youre looking for a Dom and screening would you say youre in it for keeps and take your time getting to know them online first or is it better in person? or date often and take your time? or do you look for something fun and see where it goes if no where drop it? or is it something else...

cant wait to learn!

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bound by love,

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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/19/2011 6:42:39 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i look for a guy with what i interpret as a dominant personality, who has mutual interest in me, and enjoys similar things, and who i can get along with as a friend. basically the same way i would look for any other kind of relationship, i guess. talking about kink right away isn't always offputting; with some people it is, though. it's especially offputting if they expect or demand some kind of play or sexual attention at the first meeting.
i generally go however my heart feels i should (gah, that sounds cheesy, but it's true). if i feel like i want to get out and meet this guy after exchanging two messages, i'll agree to meet. if i don't feel that, then i probably won't, unless i have a "what the hell" type of day.

my last relationship started out super casual; we met online, albeit a vanilla friendy-profiley site, chatting on YIM for months, just sorta becoming pals. then i went to a show and met him, not really intending to jump into anything committed. next thing i knew, i had the first Dom i'd ever had. so i try not to put pressure or expectation on any interaction because you never know what it will turn into; could be nothing, but it could be something.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 6/19/2011 6:43:01 PM >

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/19/2011 6:51:35 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

when youre looking for a Dom and screening would you say youre in it for keeps and take your time getting to know them online first or is it better in person? or date often and take your time? or do you look for something fun and see where it goes if no where drop it? or is it something else...


I am completely upfront about what I want, and honest about it too. I am looking for a long term, hopefully my last ever, relationship. I need to know who I am getting involved with, so dating and wooing and getting to know someone are a part of that journey...

My advice, be honest about what you want with yourself and with other people, and do not compromise your needs for anyone

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/19/2011 6:52:52 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I had numerous play dates before the man who became Master to me found me here.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with casual play for some people.
For me, however, knowing what I know now, I wish I had been less quick to jump into those casual play relationships.

However, if you are looking for something more substantial than that... ?

According to the way most people would approach this, I did it all wrong.
I did not have any direct specific BDSM or sex references in my profile and I never filled out my interest list.

The initial emails I received from the man who became my Master did not discuss BDSM or sex.
He just asked me interesting questions that were based on the text and general vibe of my profile.
He never pushed sex talk.

We met for a lunch date about a month after the first email contact.

Almost 2 1/2 years later we are still together.



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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 4:11:34 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I prefer to meet sooner rather than later.... Email and phones are fine for sorting the basics and getting a general feel of the other's personality and mutual chemistry etc but if it goes on too long without actually meeting, you tend to only see the rosey bits of someone you're potentially looking to form a relationship with. And no-one is that rosey!

I've been there before; had a great online rapport build expectations only to have r/l reality drench everything in cold water. Mutual online chemistry is easy; too damned easy, and it screws with your sensibilities.

So I wanna talk about all things, not just D/s. The sub I own has to fill the "roll" of my adult equal when necessary, so we need to relate in all ways. Which means all topics are open to discussion, not just the tingly D/s stuff.

Focus.

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Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 4:26:37 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'm with Focus. If sparks fly, I wanna meet soon. Too many fakes/posers etc... on here. I wanna sit down and eyeball the applicant (Doesn't that make things sound so tidy and professional?) before I invest a lot of time and effort into em. Now, unlike many others, this don't necessarily mean I wanna play with or sleep with em right away ( I almost never fuck on first dates), but I do want to know what I am getting into before I get to far.
and ya know what? Most gals I've met on here wanna meet soon too. Maybe I'm just a charming mutherfucker (Which I sincerely doubt), smooth as a player, but the real gals have been just as quick on the draw as me.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 11:27:35 AM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		Lilly I feel the same, become chummy online and then make the face to face connection -if- i see it going somewhere =). Julia i agree I wish the same would happen for myself, I'm ready to settle down and start life with someone i love. but i have to start from the back of that dream lol. So as I'm sure some can imagine, there's a lot of disappointment or just some fun dating moments...in which, with or without the date there I would have had fun, sometimes preferably without... yeah I'm bad! lol!

angel thanks for sharing. honestly i know how hard it is to put your stories out there, and its important to learn from other peoples experiences. thank you.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I prefer to meet sooner rather than later....

Focus.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

If sparks fly, I wanna meet soon.


so in your opinion how long would you say you would like to connect with a person online before you meet them in person? and sure it all depends, on lots of things! but on average from people you have met how long did you wait to meet them face to face?




_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 11:31:19 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		If I engage with someone online, I like to move to the phone quickly and then meet.

Any time I did otherwise, and waited, it never worked out.

I can only really discern someone sitting across from me. If someone balks at the phone or a quick meeting, I say, next!

(in reply to sexisubi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 4:16:40 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I prefer to meet sooner rather than later....

Focus.


so in your opinion how long would you say you would like to connect with a person online before you meet them in person? and sure it all depends, on lots of things! but on average from people you have met how long did you wait to meet them face to face?


The "time" isn't measured by the clock - or calendar....

It's more about communication and whether we're connecting in terms of general conversation. I tend to write longish emails, ie, I put in the effort; I lead and set an example etc. While I don't expect her to literally reply in kind (long emails), I want to see her own effort in trying to converse and communicate, too.

It's like vanilla dating and striking up a conversation with a potential. If I'm yabbering away and all I'm getting back is the odd 'yep' and 'nope', we ain't making it. And there's usually matching body language.... The trouble with emails is that there's no body language to help gauge how things are going. So if all I get back is a line or two with no attempt to respond to points I've made or questions I've asked etc, I get a mental vision of that negative 'yep' and 'nope' body language.

On the other hand, if she's not only responding but adding to what I've said, then yeah, I wanna meet. But if you want actual time, I'd think within a week or two if she's local and gradually longer if there's distance involved.

The thing is I can't seem to avoid writing long emails (just like my average CM post) - but it is tiring.... So I at least wanna get to a phone chat within a week - depending on her circumstances, too.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to sexisubi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 7:13:38 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi

I know it's easy for Dom's to want to talk about bdsm right away...


In the future, simply say, "I'm not interested in putting the cart before the horse... there's always time to address the BDSM aspects should we determine we'd like to move forward after this conversation"





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It's only kinky the first time!!!

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 7:24:22 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Lilly's whole strategy mirrors mine from the dom side. I don't ever really look for a partner. Instead, I meet women... just out in the world as a normal part of my life. Some of those women are more interesting than others. One thing leads to another. If I was available, then some of the women I have "met" are here on collarme. Some of those are interesting to me. One thing might lead to another. But what's pretty much always true is that I have a pre-existing relationship with a woman before she is my lover. Carol is an oddball exception to that. I quite literally loved her within 3 hours of meeting her. But even then I was not looking for a partner when I met her. I just happened to meet the most incredible woman in the world. Loving her seemed... well... appropriate ~laughs~

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 7:36:09 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

I'm with Focus. If sparks fly, I wanna meet soon. Too many fakes/posers etc... on here. I wanna sit down and eyeball the applicant (Doesn't that make things sound so tidy and professional?) before I invest a lot of time and effort into em. Now, unlike many others, this don't necessarily mean I wanna play with or sleep with em right away ( I almost never fuck on first dates), but I do want to know what I am getting into before I get to far.

So, Kana.... Almost never doesn't mean NEVER though right? I mean there's still hope right???

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
and ya know what? Most gals I've met on here wanna meet soon too. Maybe I'm just a charming mutherfucker (Which I sincerely doubt), smooth as a player, but the real gals have been just as quick on the draw as me.

Word on the CM street, says it's so.......

Kali


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/20/2011 11:23:21 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

If sparks fly, I wanna meet soon.


so in your opinion how long would you say you would like to connect with a person online before you meet them in person? and sure it all depends, on lots of things! but on average from people you have met how long did you wait to meet them face to face?


2 weeks, a month tops unless there are serious mitigating reasons (She's an accountant and it's tax season, they live in Guadalajara...).
Now, that said, in the interest of absolute disclosure, I talked to the Lilone for over 2 years before we met (How's that for smooth and quick, eh?). In my defense, I basically was going through some real bad insomnia for a few years and she's always awake so from time to time we would exchange notes but nothing more. Slowly a friendship grew and eventually we met.
There are lots of reasons it took so long, neither of us wanting a LDR being the main one, plus I was still licking my wounds from a prior relationship. Grins. When we decided to meet she was sure I was gonna no-show or be some loser (She'd been on CM for a while) and went expecting to end up eating dinner alone. Instead, she ended up naked, broken and begging me to break my no sex on the first meet rule.
Chortles.
And of course I denied her and mocked her while doing so.
"Always leave em wanting more."


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/21/2011 5:48:56 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Lilly's whole strategy mirrors mine from the dom side. I don't ever really look for a partner. Instead, I meet women... just out in the world as a normal part of my life. Some of those women are more interesting than others.


yep -- i think that's the best way to do it. i'm by no means saying "look ONLY online." i just happened to meet M online. i do it the same way in the real world, too -- if i meet a guy who comes across in a way that attracts me, and he seems attracted too, and if we can yammer at each other and get along, then i sorta wait and see what my ticker thinks i should do. =p if i feel something strong enough to motivate me to move forward, then i will. if not, i won't.


_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/21/2011 8:43:35 AM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi

I know it's easy for Dom's to want to talk about bdsm right away...


In the future, simply say, "I'm not interested in putting the cart before the horse... there's always time to address the BDSM aspects should we determine we'd like to move forward after this conversation"






i 100% agree!!


_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/21/2011 8:51:00 AM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

mitigating reasons (She's an accountant and it's tax season, they live in Guadalajara...).
hahahaha! thats so awesome lol!


quote:



I talked to the Lilone for over 2 years before we met (How's that for smooth and quick, eh?).



thats the same way my X and i were! (we met he was nilla, we finally met 2 years later, and he was the best Dom i ever had!)

but anyway i just thought it was cool considerations. were not working right now cause hes going through some things a middle of the road crises perhaps, wants to go out and play... but doesn't want to let me go at the same time its kinda funny.


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bound by love,

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RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/21/2011 8:54:29 AM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I prefer to meet sooner rather than later....

Focus.


so in your opinion how long would you say you would like to connect with a person online before you meet them in person? and sure it all depends, on lots of things! but on average from people you have met how long did you wait to meet them face to face?


The "time" isn't measured by the clock - or calendar...



The thing is I can't seem to avoid writing long emails (just like my average CM post) -

Focus.


haha, at least they have substance! and are always good reads.


_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/21/2011 8:58:57 AM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Lilly's whole strategy mirrors mine from the dom side. I don't ever really look for a partner. Instead, I meet women... just out in the world as a normal part of my life. Some of those women are more interesting than others.


yep -- i think that's the best way to do it. i'm by no means saying "look ONLY online."



I agree leadership and Lilly, off line and online just open up the options.

that and as I keep repeating lol, but I prolly shouldn't, the best Dom i ever had was nilla.


_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/23/2011 10:47:23 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Master and i talked for 2 months on line and  by phone then decided we wanted to meet in preson to see if we had the same chemistry in person as we did on the phone/online.  We met and we did.  The first "date" was a meet and greet no bdsm involved.  Ove the next 3 days we talked  in person for for 13-14 hours about everything normal and what we were looking for a in a relationship.  On our 4th date we decided to make it oficial he bought a contract we both signed and then we went to play.  Granted i did not get my collar until 18 minths later.  it has een over 5 years so i think the intinal "dates" helped..

Matt's littleone

(in reply to sexisubi)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: when looking for a Dom - 6/23/2011 3:58:35 PM   
aromanholiday


Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline 		I follow the dominant's lead, I meet at his pace, not mine. Sometimes that's worked out great for me; other times, not so great.

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"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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