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MsVoyeringmama -> ALL MY JOKES (5/15/2006 10:43:04 AM)
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I love a good joke/laugh.. so here is a few I saved thru the years- also since I'm open to my kids- a few pm's or my space ??'s to me.
08/09/05- jmiskin1: Goal of a Bitch... to dominate, control, and destroy a man's finances, mental health, self esteem and any hope for happiness...
voyeringmama: hehe- a DOMME' = ME
jmiskin1: LOL
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Dear God:
So far today, I have done alright. I have kept my mouth shut. I have not gossiped,yelled or lost my temper. I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or bitchy,
selfish or overindulgent. I am glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I am getting out of bed. From then on,I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you. MAMA
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Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom,To understand a man.
Love,To forgive him.
Patients,For his moods.
Because,If I just pray for strength,
I'll beat/cane/flogg/paddle him to death..
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys went into the cemetery and filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! ...Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
But the boy insisted and the old man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.........."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's take a look, maybe we can see the Lord himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all, now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
............. They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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ok men: this was written from a man-so I guess I'll let you have 1 on your side :))))
HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS...
Men always hear "the rules" from the women's side. Now here are the
rules from the men's side.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.
2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. There is no rule number 9 because there just doesn't have to be a #9.Got it?
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
12. Let us oogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and
neither do we.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is.
18. If it itches, it will be scratched.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really.
21. You have enough clothes.
22. You have too many shoes.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're
saying anyway).
24. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
25. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
MAMA
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SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK...
1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a
shampoo and a blow job
2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk
about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures
at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old
son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in
front of our guest.
3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old
son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although
he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a
few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one
with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about
the picture, laughing hysterically, suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in
addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing
nothing but a camera!
4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had
been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one
of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he
could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I
like playing with men's balls
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To
this day, my sister has never let me forget.
6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker
got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE
CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but
somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
"Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR
THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back
of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and
he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about
it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion
at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you
to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that
if I could stick it out till noon, she would come and get me."
HOPE YOU ENJOY :)
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