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RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 5:52:45 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

Am i the only one that thinks it was wrong of HIM to string her along for 3 years when he knew he couldn't have kids with her and therefore couldn't love her?

i don't know.. releationships are funny



You know, I understand this viewpoint, truly but I don't think there is enough information to make that assessment at this point. We don't know if he told her up front and we've only got one side of the story, which to me is very believable but without more information, I'm more inclined to go with the benefit of the doubt that the OP said he told her he didn't love her and told her the truth of why. I think, if one is going to truly consider both sides, a lot more questions would have to be answered. Maybe it really bothers him that he can't love her. Wanting children is a huge, huge issue and it's one my own son is struggling with right now. His girlfriend doesn't want children.. ever and he, in fact, does love her.. but he absolutely wants children some day. They both are aware of how the other feels but only one of two things can happen.. they will either have to compromise one day.. or they will have to break up if they can't find a way to work it out otherwise one or the other of them is going to be very resentful of someone whom they love. Right now, though, they are happy together and they are both still young enough and have a lot of things they still want to accomplish that it's not something which has to be decided today. They've been together for 3 years as well.. but I wouldn't say that either of them is stringing the other along hoping that they will change their mind.

I don't know.. I just don't think there is enough info here to string the guy up by the balls. We can always do that later if it turns out he's an absolute schmuck and I'd even bring the rope for it! Right now, I think if the OP concentrates on herself, that is really the best course of action for her.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to MyCaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 6:11:19 PM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline 		Perhaps I am being a bit harsh and even way off the mark, but my first impression when I read this was conditional love versus unconditional love.
But after some thought, I have to wonder if because you did not get the response you wanted from him (her: I love you.  him: I love you too) you feel cheated, burned, perhaps betrayed in some way, and decided to try to bluff him or give him an ultimatum of sorts (example: if you do not love me then I want to be released), and he was honest and/or called your bluff so to speak.  Maybe this is why you do not have a problem playing with him once a week...regret perhaps?
I think it is a common, perhaps natural thing to lose somepart of ones self to a relationship.....after you are together for awhile there can be many things that you identify yourself with, and falling in love, giving so much of yourself to this person, without him/her you perhaps wonder who am I if I am not with him.
Clean break sounds like the best thing you can do, take time for yourself, write down your feelings, but most importantly be honest with yourself (not that you havent been) but dig deep.  You cant change what you have experienced and how those experiences have become a part of you.....but you can embrace that it is a part of you, accept yourself, accept your changes, find out who you are now, learn again what you have to offer someone else and I think you will be the better for it, and better for the next person that comes along.  We are always changing and evolving, every experience, down to the smallest detail has some impact on us.
Anyway, give yourself some time, do some soul searching, make a clean break and stick to it.  You asked for release, he released you, he owes you nothing and frankly you owe him nothing either.
~ching ching~ 2cents.
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilpetwind

i asked for release from my Master after 3 years because He said He did not love me. i was deeply in love with Him, but i knew it was best for me to leave... It has been several months now and He has asked me to play with Him once a week, ( He is lonely and cannot find what He seeks-- i am older than He is and i cannot bare children for Him so He did not fall in love with me).
Anyway, i have no problem playing with Him on occassion, but i have found that i am losing my submissive self. Not with just Him, but with potenials. i know better than to be stand offish, but i tend to pull away and not follow through with simple things. So i am wondering how can i get back to my submissive self and better myself for someone new?  It's not like i am new at this. i have been in this life for over 10 years, but this was the longest relationship i had and i think it has changed me somehow.
 
Thanks in advance.
 
graciously,
 
~wind~


_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to lilpetwind)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/17/2006 6:17:15 PM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline 		As usual you make a very good point.....a lot of information has not been made available.  
In any event, if you bring the rope, I have the duct tape covered!

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

Am i the only one that thinks it was wrong of HIM to string her along for 3 years when he knew he couldn't have kids with her and therefore couldn't love her?

i don't know.. releationships are funny



You know, I understand this viewpoint, truly but I don't think there is enough information to make that assessment at this point. We don't know if he told her up front and we've only got one side of the story, which to me is very believable but without more information, I'm more inclined to go with the benefit of the doubt that the OP said he told her he didn't love her and told her the truth of why. I think, if one is going to truly consider both sides, a lot more questions would have to be answered. Maybe it really bothers him that he can't love her. Wanting children is a huge, huge issue and it's one my own son is struggling with right now. His girlfriend doesn't want children.. ever and he, in fact, does love her.. but he absolutely wants children some day. They both are aware of how the other feels but only one of two things can happen.. they will either have to compromise one day.. or they will have to break up if they can't find a way to work it out otherwise one or the other of them is going to be very resentful of someone whom they love. Right now, though, they are happy together and they are both still young enough and have a lot of things they still want to accomplish that it's not something which has to be decided today. They've been together for 3 years as well.. but I wouldn't say that either of them is stringing the other along hoping that they will change their mind.

I don't know.. I just don't think there is enough info here to string the guy up by the balls. We can always do that later if it turns out he's an absolute schmuck and I'd even bring the rope for it! Right now, I think if the OP concentrates on herself, that is really the best course of action for her.

Celeste


_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/18/2006 5:42:40 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

About the children thing ...

There are ways of having children without being pregnant ... Adoption comes to mind. Surrogate mother comes to mind. And if she has a viable womb, invetro fertilization ... So, I'm sorry, but his excuse about her not being able to have children smacks of loserdom. Chances are, he wasn't honest from the very beginning ... You don't spend 3 years with someone that you *know from the very start* will never give you a child if having a child is something you place as high priority in your life.



Thanks, that was my point

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

Am i the only one that thinks it was wrong of HIM to string her along for 3 years when he knew he couldn't have kids with her and therefore couldn't love her?



No, you are not.



_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/18/2006 5:48:53 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

You know, I understand this viewpoint, truly but I don't think there is enough information to make that assessment at this point. We don't know if he told her up front and we've only got one side of the story, which to me is very believable but without more information, I'm more inclined to go with the benefit of the doubt that the OP said he told her he didn't love her and told her the truth of why. I think, if one is going to truly consider both sides, a lot more questions would have to be answered.
Celeste


 Agreed, agreed, agreed. 

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/18/2006 7:25:32 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		At least he was honest with you and yet his wanting to use you because he doesnt have anyone else isn't exactly the kindest thing to do either. I think what you need is a clean break so that you can work thru getting over him, get your feelings in perspective so that you can in time move on.
Otherwise its probably going to hurt like hell when he does find your replacement and he either stops coming around, or he might want to include you in *their* play. It's not easy to watch someone that we love, *in* love with someone else.

Be kind to yourself, let him go so you can move on. Your future awaits, you just have to let the past go.

~Lashra

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/18/2006 7:53:04 PM   
texasbutterfly


Posts: 84
Joined: 4/17/2006
Status: offline 		i keep coming back to the title of your thread..."finding myself again?"  if you truly believe that you have lost yourself because you are no longer with your master, you need to take some time to evaluate who you are now. 

i'm not going to say do or don't play with him but i will give you the same advice i have received for weeks on these board:  know yourself and be true to who you are.  when you can honestly answer yourself when you ask "who am i?", only then you can make the decisions that are right for you. unfortunately, noone can answer that question for you, it is a journey you must make yourself.


ugh!! i before e except after c...

< Message edited by texasbutterfly -- 5/18/2006 7:54:21 PM >

(in reply to lilpetwind)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/24/2006 1:49:53 PM   
lilpetwind


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		thank Y/you all for Y/your advice. Some have asked for more information. ..so here it is:
 
when i first began this journey with Him, i had already been living the lifestyle for over 8 years. i know who and what i am,( but that does not mean that at tiems like this i do not lose site of that.)
He was a newbie and i loved teaching as well as learning with Him. He started on this journey with me "knowing" i cannot have children and knowing that He wanted them. He could have just passed me by when seeking a sub, yet He called to me. ASKED me to be His. Formally collared me  after about a year ( the only Dom i have ever been fully collared to) knowing it means the same as marriage. Knowing i was deeply in love with Him.
i am not saying He is to blame for everything. i should have never have fallen in love with Him ( wish we could control who we do fall for). i should have never accepted a formal collar or have the ceremony with lots of friends present, knowing He wanted children still. i kept hoping that one day He would love me back. ANd yes, in some small acts He SHOWED that he loved me, but He would never say it. i even asked Him why He couldn't say it. He said because it isn't comething He says lightly. He also told me in the beginning that He had never been with someone sexually that He did not love........yet six months into O/our relationship He had sex with me.
To me that made me feel like He loved me, but when i flat out asked Him about it He still said no He did not love me and that sometimes He felt guilty being intimate with me because He did not love me.  Stupid me..........i still stayed with Him.
Soon i fell out of love with Him and i could no longer be in a relationship that would not return my feelings. i mean, i loved Him, but i was out of love with Him. i could no longer look at His face and think that i was just being used sexually and that He had never made love to me, that it was always just sex. SO i asked for release. For myself as well as for Him. i need to be loved and He needed to love soemone. He needed someone to have children for Him. and later found out..(Someone who was redhaird, 95 lbs, had all the same hobbies, AND could have children for Him.)
 
He still sits alone. He calls everyday because we are close friends, but i have refused to play with Him for a month now. i am healing and finding myself again thanks to a wonderful friend/Dom here "ThankHimOften".  i refuse to jump into a relationship without healing myself first. And i will never go backwards........never back to my former again.
 
thanks again everyone.
 
graciously,
 
~wind~

(in reply to texasbutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: finding myself again?? - 5/24/2006 3:13:20 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

And i will never go backwards........never back to my former again.


There, you just answered yourself.
Good luck with moving forward.  Sometimes a sharp knife (a clearn cut with no communication) is the best way to let go of something that has gone bad.  It's better than a dull reliving of the pain.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to lilpetwind)
Profile   Post #: 49
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