Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life

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Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 8:35:38 AM

BonesFromAsh

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Joined: 6/17/2010
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I'm back with one of "those" questions...easy for some, but not for all. This one concerns when and how to move forward after being involved in a fairly intense D/s dynamic.

For the dominant women, what concerns would you have in taking on a new partner/sub/slave/whatever-label-fits that is still dealing with closure from a fairly recent break-up? What, if any, concerns would you have in dealing with residual protocol/behavior from this previous dynamic?

For the submisive men and women, How do you know when the time is right to begin seeking/dating/exploring-possibilities with a dominant partner again? Do you give yourself a grace period or do you find you prefer to just jump right back in?

Thanks all.

Post #: 1

RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 8:41:48 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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After Hugh left me, I literally took a year off from playing. I went out, saw folks, etc. but I didnt touch a toy. I was too afraid that some poor guy was going to trip my trigger inadvertently and really bear the brunt of it.

As far as new "relationships"... that's one of those things that I wish that I had a do-over for! When a really intense relationship is over, there is a big empty space that demands to be filled, with ANYTHING that seems likely to work. It's so easy to be driven by loneliness and fall into the trap of believing that any attention is sincere and valuable.

That said, I am happy to be pals with someone fresh from a breakup, and do the casual play at a party thing, but that's it until we can get through an entire get-together without the PREVIOUS person being mentioned at all. No talking about him/her in ANY WAY, not emotionally, not play wise. I am not a "replacement", and I am not Utility Dom. Of course our present is informed by our past, but until that past is processed, I am not interested.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 8:55:46 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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My main concern would be that the s-type person isn't "over" the last relationship. The end of a relationship is similar to a death, IMO. It takes time to move on and the longer and/or more intense the previous relationship, the longer it can take. Depending on the relationship, it can take anwhere from a few months to a year or more. That process can't and shouldn't be rushed.

If the s-type isn't over the previous relationship, s/he is more likely to compare me and how I do things to the last dominant and how s/he did them. I'm not interested in being a rebound fling or competing with ghosts of relationships past. I wouldn't take on someone coming out of a break-up less than three months prior. I might not take the person on if the break-up was less than six months prior. It would just depend on how long the previous relationship lasted, how intense it was, and whether or not I felt the s-type had moved on sufficiently well after getting to know him/her.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 8:57:32 AM

MissAsylum

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Some people may remember the debacle of the relationship that i was in. Yes, i was upset since i had been with that paticular submissive for years. but at the end of it, i didnt need closure. it was for the best on both ends.

my only personal problem i had during that time is that i stopped working as a pro domme, and i really didnt care to go to events to meet new people. i was over it in terms of i wasn't crying, but i didnt want to run the risk of abusing somebody during play because there may have been some looming anger i hadn't dealt with it.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 9:00:40 AM

sexyred1

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I think that there as many D-types who suffer after the demise of a relationship as s-types.

As for me, after a very intense break up, I believe you all know when it is time to move on.

Anyone who consistently jumps into a relationship post-break up to fill the void with anything, as LadyH said, is bound to make mistakes.

In fact, one of the things I detest is when a man asks me when my last relationship was. When I explain it was recent and I am not interested in rushing into anything new or casual (I say this when I already know I am not into them) they always, always say, I understand, but couldn't you use a good fuck/scene/distraction in the meantime? You could use me to fill the void.

I learned long ago to be happy with myself and I don't need to use anyone to fill any void. When the right one comes along, that is the right time to try again.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 6/28/2011 9:04:23 AM >

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 5

RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 9:00:52 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Just how I felt, MissA! I have never ever lost control, I really have no reason to think that I will, but I wasnt willing to take the chance.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 9:10:37 AM

MissAsylum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Just how I felt, MissA! I have never ever lost control, I really have no reason to think that I will, but I wasnt willing to take the chance.

Yep, this was a precaution on my end. Kinky or vanilla, i've never taken out my rage with past relationships with newer partners, but I have been on the recieving end more times than i care to remember.

it isn't fun paying for somebody else's mistakes.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 9:13:09 AM

LillyBoPeep

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for me, i figured i was ready to move on when i "felt" like i was. it's not something that's easily quantifiable. it was just a feeling.
after M died, after 6 months or so i started socializing with kinky people because i felt i didn't have anyone who understood me. he'd woken this part of me, but we didn't have a lot of kinky friends, so i went searching for something that made me feel kinda normal. but there wasn't any spark to FEEL anything for anyone. i figured i was ready to move on when that spark came back, and i wanted to reach out to someone.
LadyHibiscus has a good point about when a person can get through an entire gathering without mentioning that person at all. that was part of how i "verified" to myself that i wasn't stuck in the past anymore. there was a time when i mentioned him every single day, but now i don't. he was an important part of my life, but that part of life is the past.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 9:21:45 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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My main concern would be that the submissive hadn't given themselves enough time to properly grieve the last dynamic or resolve any issues necessary to come to the new one for the best hopes of success. I don't think kinky folks are any different than non kinky folks on this one. It's pretty universal that we need to heal when a relationship ends. Even in those situations where it's a matter of it being best for the parties of the prior relationship to end it, we still have to reconcile that it didn't turn out the way we had hoped, have to deal with our disappointment about that, etc.

One of the best things that I did in My life was to take a year off of relationships (and sex) when My last husband and I divorced. I would probably shorten that time allotment if the same thing happened now, but part of that has to do with the kids being grown and other circumstances in My life.

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Post #: 9

RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 9:32:25 AM

BonesFromAsh

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Joined: 6/17/2010
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~fast reply to all~

Thanks, ladies, for sharing. Like I said, might seem a fairly obvious question for some, but not for others.

I've been speaking with a lovely submissive man for a while (a month or so)...via phone, IM and email...and we both agree that we find each other appealling. We plan to meet in the next couple of weeks (work schedules allowing) to see if the interest continues face to face. He's been out of a fairly intense M/s relationship for less than 6 months and I've noticed a tendancy for him to revert back to his previous "training" (for lack of a better word) when interacting with me. I've explain to him right now we're just getting to know each other, but as SylvereApLeanan said, I have no interest in " being a rebound fling or competing with ghosts of relationships past".

I stepped away from exploring any sort of relationship for about a year, myself, mainly because I wanted to focus on my life and changes taking place. I also wanted to be in the right headspace for a potential partner...which I finally feel I am. I've done a good portion of my work as far as becoming more self-aware goes, and I'm ready to move forward. Ironically, as I'm typing this, I'm also realizing this man I mentioned most likely has a lot of work to do on himself before moving forward.

I guess this means I'll need to tread lightly...if at all with him.

Shit.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 6/28/2011 9:33:51 AM >

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 10

RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 6/28/2011 9:36:42 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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That whole previous "training" thing is a real kicker. I expect manners and obedience, of course, but it's hard to break old habits, and if the previous relationship involved protocols that I do not find meaningful... so that's another area of discussion. I am not into having anyone kneel, for instance (except in very specific cases) and what if kneeling gets him all hot? It is so hard to accomodate something that you could give a rip about because you don't THINK about it.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 7/3/2011 1:52:33 AM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
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Totally agree with all that the wise women here have said. It does take time, it takes some active effort on our own parts to move ourselves along the healing path, and we don't have the right to make another person pay for a former partner's mistakes (nor take on that role ourselves).
I wouldn't put a hard and fast chronological time on it, as people do move at different rates, though Sylvere's suggestions are probably typical. I would be looking for where they seem to be in emotional status. Whilst I accept that the stages of grieving don't apply in every case, someone who is always on about the former partner definitely isn't in a suitable state for a new one. I would be looking for them to be able to describe the former relationship clearly, without undue anger or depression, and for some evidence that they have done some analysis both of the relationship and of themselves to identify at least some of "what went wrong".
In terms of former training protocols that I am not into (eg eyes down, I like them to look at Me), I would want them to be mentally sure that they are willing to change to My way (ie that it's not one of their hot buttons), and then also willing to accept My gentle correction graciously when they relapse (which I expect they will at first). I also expect to see improvement in the incidence of relapse over time. I can be very patient with someone who is clearly struggling to do the right thing, and recognise it takes a lot longer to break a habit than it does to form it, but very impatient with someone who is making no effort.
BonesFromAsh, it may not be hopeless ... I have found that online there is more talk of past relationships because the new person isn't right there in front of you in the flesh. It may well be different when you both meet. Typically, I have found that the first face to face conversation tends to include a fairly full disclosure of the past relationships, and then it becomes 'past' and 'behind', and you both become more focused on the person in front of you. Hope that's how it works out for You!

Ma'am Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 7/3/2011 6:30:43 AM

sunshinemiss

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Nobody told me we were supposed to move on.

...always the last to know!

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 7/3/2011 8:47:05 AM

BonesFromAsh

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Joined: 6/17/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

BonesFromAsh, it may not be hopeless ... I have found that online there is more talk of past relationships because the new person isn't right there in front of you in the flesh. It may well be different when you both meet. Typically, I have found that the first face to face conversation tends to include a fairly full disclosure of the past relationships, and then it becomes 'past' and 'behind', and you both become more focused on the person in front of you. Hope that's how it works out for You!

Ma'am Jay aka violet[A]

Hi Ma'am Jay- Thanks for your response, particularly the quote above. Yes, we've been discussing his past relationship, but not as the only topic of conversation or as a way to compare past with present. I'm keeping myself grounded/feet on terra firma and continue to remind him to do the same. He's been clear that he's not looking for a replacement - time will tell.

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Post #: 14

RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 7/3/2011 1:54:32 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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I have to be over the last one, and not pre-judging the response of the next one. Cardinal rule: DDD: Don't Date Damaged, either side of the kneel.

Times vary, depending on the break: if mutual and the 'L' word wasn't involved, a couple of weeks as soon as the new guy's STD testing comes through. But if not mutual, or the 'L' word was involved, months.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 7/4/2011 5:46:39 AM

LaTigresse

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For the most part, I move on past hurt fairly quickly. I am not a brooder nor do I pine for lost love. I prefer to keep the happy stuff and let go of the crap. But I am also never one to feel the neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to be in relationships. I've always just kind of blundered on about my life and had odd surprises that I've found myself in relationships.

A few of the ladies have mentioned s-types and the carry over. There is a great deal of hesitance/annoyance/lack of interest....when faced with an s-type that has a sense of how it must be done based upon past relationships.

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RE: Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch of D/s Life - 7/5/2011 11:03:06 AM

FriendlyMuppet

Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
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For me, it's pretty simple. The time is right when I come across the right person. All other things really don't mean a lot to me. I mean, I can say "I'm ready now" but if the right person isn't around, then what's it matter? All being ready will do for me is frustrate me until I get lucky enough to make a connection with someone who will eventually come along.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 17

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