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Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 5:51:09 AM   
topsytervy


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		First of all, thank Y/you to A/all for reading this message, and any input that you might give.
As the subject implies, i am a newbie Dom. I am on c/m looking to make friends and contacts within the seen to gain and build on my experience. I am dominant in most of the aspects in my life; in my work, my leaisure, and my personal life, i always take charge and am proactive, and don't wait around to be instructed.

The main reason I am making this post is that an opportunity has arisen; a female sub with whom I have been chatting and getting along with has showed some interest and asked if she could become my slave, and help her in what she seeks. I am happy to do so, but know that there is a lot more to being a Dom that what people first think. she looks to be controlled by me in terms of what she wears, and possibly her choice of work, as well as what she does around the house.

I look to gain more understanding of what a sub is wanting/craving inside and why they seeks Dom/mes, especially in 24/7 roll, and what Doms look for in a sub and from a sub?

any advice and further questions are welcome, from Dom's and subs perspective.
Thank Y/you again.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 6:05:28 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		The key phrase you need to keep in mind is YMMV (your mileage may vary).  You are interacting with this one submissive; that means the best source of information about her expectations and needs are her.  You also need to keep in mind that what she may think she wants and what she will really turn out to want may also vary quite a lot so you need to keep the lines of communication open.

You also need to decide what it is you want.  There's a significant chance that what you want and what she wants will be quite different.   There's even a chance that your scenes may be incompatable.  There's no shame in that or any fault to be assigned.  It's just a matter of the way things are.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to topsytervy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 6:09:56 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Hello,

Now, i know that i can't speak for all submissives and i don't know the submissive that you have been talking with, but generally what most of us are looking for is the feeling of being under someone else's control, and having you pick out her clothes, or tell her what job she is going to do, or what to do around the house apparently is part of what this particular submissive needs or wants to feel controlled. The level to which you do this, so she is not topping from the bottom, directing you on how to top her, is up to you and if you wish to do these things, fine, but part of your control may be in deciding how much of her life you wish to manage or not. Hopefully that helped to some degree.

heartfelt

(in reply to topsytervy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 7:21:40 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		The best advice I can give (other than reading good non fiction books about S&M) is to realize both of you are human and mistakes will be made.  The only pefect submissives and dominants exist in chat rooms, like viruses they can't survive outside of that environment.  Relationships are just that, whatever label you slap on them, they are still relationships and require a lot of hard work, a D/s relationship requires more work than most, not less.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 8:52:52 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I agree with CrappyDom {did I just say that??}. Read, "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns.....' is a great introductory book to read or "The Topping Book" is another good non-fiction read as well. Read, ask questions of those who you respect or like their technique or style, go to classes if they are in your area. The more information you have and the more you know and learn the better things are and will be.

Find a checklist and fill it out for yourself, what you like, are interested in and what are limits for YOU. I have a few on my computer, if you would like copies, contact me and I would be more than happy to send them. They are a good starting point.

Take your time, their is no rush to be 'super dom.' Things come in time as does expereince. Good luck. :o) 

< Message edited by slaverosebeauty -- 5/16/2006 8:54:12 AM >

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 10:42:17 AM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		You've admitted that you are new to this and by taking on a slave who also is new....wow....talk about the blind leading the blind. However, if you two like each other in the vanilla sense and want to explore the lifestyle together as partners...what the hell, begin your journey together and grow together....or apart, depending on if your kinks are on the same page?

Good luck my brother from another mother......Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 5:11:49 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If you and her are really looking to start a 24/7 relationship, working on the non M/s aspects of your relationship is equally important. They will come into play quite a bit more than you probably think they will. Don't forget to get to know each other as people as well as Master/ slave. 

(in reply to topsytervy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 7:54:19 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		My best advice is COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!! and have fun with it.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to topsytervy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/16/2006 8:24:09 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear topsytervy, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I would highly recommend seeking local BDSM support and education groups and, look for Master-slave conferences and or workshops.
 
John Warren's "Different Loving" is lovely and was nice enough to autograph at a BR Conference I may add, at the writer's workshop; so is Screw the Roses by Master Phil Miller and Molly Devon.  Another wonderful book is Jay Wiseman's SM101 which covers quite a lot.
 
But, as others have said; communication with this submissive lady is very important.  Establishing boundries that both of you can be excited about.
It is easy to get to hasty so, patience is a true virtue.  I rather see anybody understate their dominance until they find themselves comfortable in the relationship.
 
Main thing, is I applaud you for making it known you are new.  This allows more patience on both sides in this learning experience.  Everybody was new at one time and it takes time to earn your knowledge and skills.
 
Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to topsytervy)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/17/2006 4:09:36 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I'll add my ingredients to this mix on two points from your post....
 
Firstly, this:
quote:

ORIGINAL: topsytervy

I am dominant in most of the aspects in my life; in my work, my leaisure, and my personal life, i always take charge and am proactive, and don't wait around to be instructed.

Bear in mind that this is not necessarily relevant to being a lifestyle Dom.  Taking charge of another consenting, adult human being within a relationship is a different dynamic with far greater responsibilities.  Conversely, there's no shortage of subs who are otherwise proactive in their lives and jobs.  Indeed, many hold managerial positions.  What we do to live and survive is not necessarily relative to our personal urges, wants and needs.  I'm not saying you're not a Dom, but this isn't evidence that you are, either!
 
And then there's this:
quote:

The main reason I am making this post is that an opportunity has arisen; a female sub with whom I have been chatting and getting along with has showed some interest and asked if she could become my slave, and help her in what she seeks. I am happy to do so, but know that there is a lot more to being a Dom that what people first think. she looks to be controlled by me in terms of what she wears, and possibly her choice of work, as well as what she does around the house.

This reads like you haven't even met r/l?  Just like any hetero vanilla couple, there's no guarantee that being complimenting opposites is enough for a relationship to work.  Assuming you haven't met, it's possible you might hate each other at first sight.  Being your slave is about equivalent to a vanilla saying she's ready to be your fiance or even wife.  Wayyyy too fast - you've at least gotta meet each other *first*.  If you wouldn't marry a willing stranger from online, you're not ready to own a slave you've never met, either!
 
Communication is always essential but, as the Dom, the onus will be on *you* to lead.  Sounds like she's keen to follow but you need to set a pace that you're comfortable with, too.  So keep it simple and keep it honest....  Most people respect integrity above experience and the average sub will give an inexperienced Dom a chance if he's honest.  Honesty isn't always comforting or even appreciated but it does build trust.  The lifestyle is full of experienced wannabe doms who create havoc with a naive but trusting sub with their bullshit.  So don't talk the talk on anything you haven't really walked the walk on.
 
Focus.

(in reply to topsytervy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/17/2006 5:14:13 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Perhaps you should consider starting a relationship that doesn't involve M/s, and growing from there.  Baby steps, baby steps.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/17/2006 8:10:09 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		John Warren wrote The Loving Dominant, Gloria Brame wrote Different Loving.

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/17/2006 8:26:19 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

John Warren's "Different Loving" is lovely and was nice enough to autograph at a BR Conference I may add,
 
With all due respect, LadyHugs, John Warren didn't write Different Loving. That was penned by Gloria Brame.
 
Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/17/2006 10:42:29 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear John Warren, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
My apologies for the mix up.  I had "loving" on the brain and have both books.
 
Indeed, "The Loving Dominant" by John Warran is a lovely book with wonderful advice.
 
Different Loving, is also a lovely book.  Every author brings something to the reader worth consideration.
 
Sincerely,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Newbie Dom seeks advice - 5/17/2006 11:26:13 AM   
topsytervy


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		Hi, Thank Y/you all for Y/your great advice, it's great to see so many people welcoming new comers and willing to help them on their journeys, my good will be with Y/you A/all.
keep on posting :)

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 15
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