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RE: I Admit It I........ - 6/30/2011 9:21:47 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Let me guess, your father was an emotionally distant jerk?

As others have said, learning to control your emotions is hard but you need to control your responses now. Current boyfriend is a placemat, he is playing the role of you and you are playing the same game to him your previous lover played with you.

You need to keep looking for a therapist who gets you. You can move beyond this crap but you need to learn to own your actions. YOU let this jerk into your life, learn to find and accept better men in your life who respect you.

At the risk of sounding twue, a real dominant can use you like a filthy whore while letting you know you are his princess/lady.

(in reply to DecadentDesire)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Emotionally Bound - 6/30/2011 10:32:04 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jaspersky

Ok I have a problem, I had a dom, he was amazing and perfect to me in everyway (mind you this was awhile ago and my view on him has changed dyrastically) and he left me, just left with no warning at all. He goes and dates and stuff that really vanilla but around the same time every year he tries coming back and tries to be with me again and we get close then he just leaves again and everytime it gets worse and worse on me. I even have a new Sir now and my old dom still has power over my emotions to the point of just seeing him makes me want to cry and beg for him to come back. I dont know what to do, I want this connection I have with him to go away so I can please my Sir and be happy with him but the dom just keeps ruining everything for me and ive been looking back on it recently of what me and him did and i noticed, he really just treated me like a piece of sh*t and really didnt care about me in the least except I was a way to get his rocks off. He used to hurt me worse than any dom should hurt their sub but I still loved him no matter what he did. I want to stop feeling anything but hate for him. Can anyone help me?


I do not wish to sound cruel, I am not one to sugar coat things. From what you have stated, you do not seem emotionally mature enough to be involved in any type of relationship at this point. Maybe it is old baggage you have not dealt with. If you need to be in a relationship, then you are not ready.  If you need or want someone to fulfill you, you are not ready. When you can say I don't need you in my life, but would like to share it with you, then you are ready


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to Jaspersky)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Emotionally Bound - 6/30/2011 10:43:40 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		What part don't you posters get.... she <the OP> loves the drama and some of you are unwittingly playing along. Poor me nobody understands blah ....

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Emotionally Bound - 6/30/2011 10:50:31 PM   
Jaspersky


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline 		ok you little trolling jack@ss you can shove your little comment where the sun dont shine got it? i shoulda never posted here i only got one actually helpful responce all the rest were just saying the same thing over and over, and you know what i really dont much care to read anymore of the usless things the people posted here. thanks for 1 actually positive and helpful idea.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Emotionally Bound - 6/30/2011 11:12:49 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

What part don't you posters get.... she <the OP> loves the drama and some of you are unwittingly playing along. Poor me nobody understands blah ....

BadOne


Oh ffs Bum, weren't you ever young and still finding your way? Are you going to tell me when you were the OP's age you knew all the answers? She would like to move forward; I took her OP as asking for practical suggestions to help her do exactly that. Cripes, try some compassion once in a while, you might like it.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Emotionally Bound - 6/30/2011 11:22:09 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jaspersky

ok you little trolling jack@ss you can shove your little comment where the sun dont shine got it? i shoulda never posted here i only got one actually helpful responce all the rest were just saying the same thing over and over, and you know what i really dont much care to read anymore of the usless things the people posted here. thanks for 1 actually positive and helpful idea.



The reason all the others were repeating the same thing over and over is because you're not taking it in. You're seeing it, but you're not understanding it. I use this technique with the kids I teach at school - say it often enough and maybe, just maybe, they'll realise it is exactly what they need to know to solve the problem.

I'm afraid after reading this thread and all the blunt, honest and massively tactful and supportive comments you've had from some incredibly wise and experienced people, that I agree with SailingBum.


_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to Jaspersky)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Emotionally Bound - 6/30/2011 11:52:07 PM   
fadedshadow


Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline 		tell him to go the fuck away. the way that fellow was treating you is pretty bad so you should sever any contact with him

_____________________________

your living nightmare

(in reply to DecadentDesire)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 6:29:47 AM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jaspersky
i shoulda never posted here i only got one actually helpful responce all the rest were just saying the same thing over and over, and you know what i really dont much care to read anymore of the usless things the people posted here. thanks for 1 actually positive and helpful idea.


The above statement is why I decided against providing an in-depth response to your post and instead chose a witty one-liner.

There is a lot of helpful advice here, but it is advice that deals with you taking ownership of your situation and not advice that supports and enables this notion that your selling of you being the "powerless" victim. The only reason I can think of that you would find this advice "useless" is that it's not what you want to hear.

This is what, in my opinion, is the underlying tone of your post. Your not really here to seek help and get out of this situation. Your looking for sympathy for your plight and people who will validate your victim mentality.

However, this contrary to the reality of your situation. The only person keeping yourself in this situation is yourself.

In light of that, my helpful advice is to seek professional counseling.


_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to Jaspersky)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 6:55:23 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		This is wonderful advice, take it:

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

Two main issues I see here Jas.

1. You can't turn feelings on and off like a faucet. Every person alive has had, has, or will have a no-longer appropriate love that gets under their skin and digs in like a blood-sucking tick no matter how much we wish we could just strike a match and burn it out. Once you accept this fact of life, when the feelings continue to surface you acknowledge them in a nonjudgmental manner and let them run their course without repeating the no-longer-appropriate actions. Which leads to part 2:

2. You can turn actions on and off like a faucet. Establish your boundaries, and make them known to Sir Wishy Washy. Though your heart's a little behind schedule, you've identified what no longer works for you and decided that the come hither go away pattern isn't acceptable for you anymore. That's a sign of maturity and healthy self-esteem on your part, congratulations! Painting yourself with a submissive stripe does not mean you are powerless. Clearly state your boundaries to Mr. No Longer Appropriate, then enjoy the glow of empowerment you feel standing up for yourself. Doing so will pave the way for your heart to catch up. New Sir will probably be delighted as well. And don't be surprised if Wishy Washy suddenly comes sniffing around again after you do so, people can be funny that way Good luck, love.


Having been through what you are going through (and seen the other side), I am going to caution you about this: once you get to the point you are absolutely positively sure you would never have anything to do with him again, he *will* come back full force, and with all the right words. Don't listen.

I know this is rough, as MistressDark so eloquently pointed out, it's human to fall in love and let someone get under your skin. It's human to love and trust and open yourself up for being hurt.

But you are *allowing* this person to keep hurting you. You can't change how you feel, so stop trying, but you can change what you do.

Best of luck. As I said I have been there and done that and I am using the t-shit for dust rags. There is light at the end of the tunnel, only *you* can decide if it's an on-coming train or a bright ray of sunshine.


_____________________________



(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 7:02:22 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jaspersky

And no I hate him but just seeing him hurts something in me, I even tried not talking to him snd even just being around him in classes and just walking past him in the halls depresses me. I really dont know why i still feel anything for him ive tried my hardest to hate him i hate him with everything that i have but he just depresses me now and something makes me want to go back to him. it just hurts.



You sound like an addict - try using some of the cognitive/behavioral techniques used by Smart Recovery and Rational Recovery.

(in reply to Jaspersky)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 7:24:38 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 7:27:39 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		Your current Dom pretty territorial? Have him deal with the old guy.
Personally, I thought you were getting some useful advice, but if you don't have the wherewithal to control yourself
F, I guess it is time to go cave man.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 7:31:30 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Therapy to learn how to deal with people like this and how not to be attracted to them again.

In the meantime. You own an ipod? Keep the earbuds in while walking around. See this guy approaching, turn the music up loud so you can't hear anything he says. That should make it easier to keep walking.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 7:58:45 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt


quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

What part don't you posters get.... she <the OP> loves the drama and some of you are unwittingly playing along. Poor me nobody understands blah ....

BadOne


Oh ffs Bum, weren't you ever young and still finding your way? Are you going to tell me when you were the OP's age you knew all the answers? She would like to move forward; I took her OP as asking for practical suggestions to help her do exactly that. Cripes, try some compassion once in a while, you might like it.



Yea yea yea lemme get this straight...she asks for advice ....The poster offer said advice...and then the OP replies with I cant do that... and NO Ive never after the age of say 5 or 6 walked around saying I hate him I hate HIM I hate HIM. Grow the fuck up already.


from the OP

"i only got one actually helpful responce all the rest were just saying the same thing over and over, and you know what i really dont much care to"

Uh the reason they are telling you the same thing over and over again is because it's good advice.... But you "refuse to listen" Your still in the "poor me nobody understands mode.

I have zero tolerance for whiney bitches of any gender

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 8:02:04 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jaspersky

Ok I have a problem, I had a dom, he was amazing and perfect to me in everyway (mind you this was awhile ago and my view on him has changed dyrastically) and he left me, just left with no warning at all. He goes and dates and stuff that really vanilla but around the same time every year he tries coming back and tries to be with me again and we get close then he just leaves again and everytime it gets worse and worse on me. I even have a new Sir now and my old dom still has power over my emotions to the point of just seeing him makes me want to cry and beg for him to come back. I dont know what to do, I want this connection I have with him to go away so I can please my Sir and be happy with him but the dom just keeps ruining everything for me and ive been looking back on it recently of what me and him did and i noticed, he really just treated me like a piece of sh*t and really didnt care about me in the least except I was a way to get his rocks off. He used to hurt me worse than any dom should hurt their sub but I still loved him no matter what he did. I want to stop feeling anything but hate for him. Can anyone help me?


You're enabling him at every turn. If you truly didn't want him in your life he wouldn't be.
You are the only one to blame for your drama.


_____________________________



(in reply to Jaspersky)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 8:03:44 AM   
mynxkat


Posts: 240
Joined: 5/7/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jaspersky

ok you little trolling jack@ss you can shove your little comment where the sun dont shine got it? i shoulda never posted here i only got one actually helpful responce all the rest were just saying the same thing over and over, and you know what i really dont much care to read anymore of the usless things the people posted here. thanks for 1 actually positive and helpful idea.


Oy, grow up, little girl. There is a TON of useful advice here for you, and if the same bits keep being repeated, it's because the posters are RIGHT.

YOU are the one keeping yourself in this situation. Until you decide to quit letting this jerk jerk you around whenever he wants to, he's going to keep doing it.

Yes, it's hard as hell to simply walk away from someone you've convinced yourself that you love with all your heart, yadda yadda. I've been in that sort of situation. The ONLY real solution is to grow up, and accept that YOU and you alone are responsible for your actions, and run with that. In this case, run away from the jerk. So you're in a small town. So what? You can change your phone number, or block him. Change your email address. Return unopened any snailmail you recieve from him. Walk the other way when you see him in public. Refuse to answer the door, or better yet, slam it in his face if he shows up where you live. Call the cops on him and charge him with trespassing and stalking if he doesn't leave when you tell him to. Get a restraining order against him if that's what it takes.


The point is, until you decide to quit letting yourself be the victim, you won't get anywhere.

Of course, this whole post is pointless if what you want is to be the victim and throw little pity parties all over the place for yourself. Which, if it is the case, hopefully you'll get bored with eventually as people stop pandering to the 'oh woe is me' song and dance. Which they will.

(in reply to Jaspersky)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 8:21:46 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Ok OP,

I read all the excellent replies you got. I also just read your profile. It states you are 18, a switch and your new "Sir" is actually your sub. Hopefully I got that right. I would venture to say that if your new guy is a sub or switch, he may be supportive of your feelings, but only you can decide what direction to go in.

If you truly have a dominant side, try and use it to dominate yourself and take action to relieve yourself of the feelings you are still having.

When I hear you talk of your ex, I have been there, as some of the other ladies have admitted as well. I know it is not easy.

I once asked a psychologist why I stayed with my ex for so long, long after he changed and stopped treating me the way I wanted to be treated. I kept complaining and saying, I am addicted to him, I love him, what can I do??

He gave me some great advice. He said, "You are not addicted to him, you are addicted to the drama, you are addicted to the feelings he engenders in you, to the adrenaline rush of the great sex, to the way he was when you first fell in love, to the BDSM aspect of yourself, but not him.You know you really cannot love a person whose actions do not mesh with what he says to you. He says he loves you, but do his actions show it? You are in "love" with a phantom, he is not that guy. Ask yourself if he is someone worth your love and you will have your answer."

Good luck.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 7/1/2011 8:22:38 AM >

(in reply to mynxkat)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 8:28:18 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I was involved in a situation like this in my first D/s relationship. It ended for me when I decided it ended. And when I met someone new I was still unsure of how I would react if he tried to come back into my life, surprisingly, by the time he tried it I was over him and in love with my new dom. It was over for me before I fell in love with someone new, but it showed me how over him I was when I felt nothing when he emailed me.

Perhaps you are not as solid in your new relationship as you need to be, because if you were no one could tempt you out of it... no one else could hurt you deeply, your heart would be with the new guy.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Jaspersky)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 8:45:07 AM   
ariadne2771


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/17/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
He gave me some great advice. He said, "You are not addicted to him, you are addicted to the drama, you are addicted to the feelings he engenders in you, to the adrenaline rush of the great sex, to the way he was when you first fell in love, to the BDSM aspect of yourself, but not him.You know you really cannot love a person whose actions do not mesh with what he says to you. He says he loves you, but do his actions show it? You are in "love" with a phantom, he is not that guy. Ask yourself if he is someone worth your love and you will have your answer."


This is wonderful advice!

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Emotionally Bound - 7/1/2011 8:55:21 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Just because you dont like the advice you get doesn't mean it isn't good advice.

There is a couple of HUNDRED years experience speaking here compared to your.....................................one?

You would do well to listen.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to ariadne2771)
Profile   Post #: 40
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