RE: The Submissive "In Training"

RE: The Submissive "In Training" (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

avena -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/8/2011 7:41:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Training implies that mindless repetition is necessary in order for the sub to be able to do what is wanted. WFT? Only in BDSM-land. (and I left the WTF misspelling because I thought it was funny that I could misspell a 3 letter abbreviation and to provide some sport to crazy & ddesire who seem to have recently developed a fetish around such things). It is, in my considered opinion, one of the fascinating things about BDSM is that nobody needs to be trained or learn anything or improve in any way whatsoever. The doms were all born that way... you either got the magic gene or you don't. The subs ... ditto... even those that loudly proclaim that they don't possess that magical submissive gene. Everyone wants something for nothing and their chicks for free (sorry, I couldn't resist). It is "you should love me for who I am" run amok. Out in the real world "training" means "The action of teaching a person or animal a particular skill or type of behavior." and it does not carry with it all of this ridiculous burden. I have chatted with, mentored, and trained new submissives. To my knowledge, none of them thought I was using them as anything other than "a student". I didn't spend much time with them on what I personally want out of a sub/slave. We talked about the BDSM landscape as a whole and how that individual might fit into it. When we got some niche narrowed down a bit then we talked about the various mind sets and viewpoints I've heard around that particular niche. If possible, I put them in touch with other people who saw things that way. There was a lot of discussion about authority & obedience (predictable given my interests) and why that can work out well and not so well. In other words, it was normal, healthy, and useful to the people I spoke to. Out of curiosity, you don't think that me, a guy who had a happy vanilla marriage and then turned it into a happy, high-functioning BDSM authority based relationship might not have something really fascinating to say to another vanilla couple considering the same thing? sheez. I have to say I'm with leadership on this. I'm not quite sure I'd call it training though. For me, mentoring seems a more appropriate term. I've been "trained" or mentored by a friend who happens to be a dominant for years before D and I set out on our exploration together. The training consisted of a lot of conversation, with him often asking me to imagine myself in situations, and then we'd discuss my reactions. Because I wasn't in a physical position to be able to actually explore those situations, this was the best alternative, but it definitely helped me learn a lot about myself. Because of those conversations, I learned a lot about what might hit my panic buttons and why, and was able to discuss those things with D. My friend also discussed with me a lot of general concepts about BDSM, different areas of kink, and different perspectives, which helped me to open my own horizons. I learned about posture training from him, for example, even though I never actually did any posture training myself. It was something we discussed though. So when D mentioned it as something he'd like to take me through, I was able to discuss it with him from an intelligent perspective. My friend was not in any way training me to be his sub. He was not training me in what HE wanted from a submissive. He was guiding me to find what I liked and wanted, and what I didn't like and was afraid of. He helped me learn to communicate effectively, which is something that is definitely an asset now and in the future. There are so many things that a knowledgeable and skilled dominant or submissive can share with someone who is new to this whole thing. And while yes, there are definitely some people out there who use "training" as a means to a piece of tail or an ego boost, there are also a lot of people out there who are caring and willing to share their knowledge and experience. And I believe there's a great deal of value in that. Whether that sharing is called training, mentoring, or just having a conversation, does it really matter? The OP seems to have issues with submissives posting that they have prior training as a 'selling point'. (please correct me if I'm wrong in this interpretation of meaning) I wouldn't personally post anything as a 'selling point' since I'm not for sale, and never will be. But the things that I've learned from both dominants and submissives that I know now, and have known in the past, are all valuable parts of who I am. The things that I have learned from others act, at the very least, as a STARTING POINT for something new, whether it's just a new way to a particular skill, a new perspective, . Skills are not something that need to be unlearned, but they may need to be expanded on. At the risk of being incredibly offensive...saying that all training, trainers, and trainees are bad/negative/a waste of time/counter productive/only after sex/etc/etc/etc seems to me to be an incredibly close-minded and narrow view of things. Just because someone hasn't personally seen or experienced something in a positive way themselves does not mean that positives don't exist.

erieangel -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/8/2011 8:27:06 PM)
I came to the BDSM lifestyle kind of late in life. Am i in "training"? Not in the sense that i am meeting any Dom for kink. However, coming to see site, other sites, reading and talking to all the new friends i've made i am learning more and more about myself everyday. That, to me, is 'training'.

LadyPact -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/8/2011 8:34:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: erieangel I came to the BDSM lifestyle kind of late in life. Am i in "training"? Not in the sense that i am meeting any Dom for kink. However, coming to see site, other sites, reading and talking to all the new friends i've made i am learning more and more about myself everyday. That, to me, is 'training'. Personally, I tend to call that research. Reading isn't actually doing. It's more collecting information than experiencing BDSM.

erieangel -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/8/2011 8:42:37 PM)
Semantics.

LadyPact -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/8/2011 9:02:48 PM)
Next time you get on a plane, do you want the guy who has read about it or do you want your pilot to have some flight time?

leadership527 -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/8/2011 9:30:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: avena I'm not quite sure I'd call it training though. For me, mentoring seems a more appropriate term. I totally agree that mentoring is a more appropriate word. Even better might be "chatting with a new friend in a directed way". But given the need to put everything into hyperbole and force concepts when in BDSM "training" also seems good enough. You know... in the same way I "command Carol to kiss me". Heck, I could get really dommy and say I "force her to kiss me". Or, why stop there... how about "I mouth-raped her?" Just because someone hasn't personally seen or experienced something in a positive way themselves does not mean that positives don't exist. No, but humans are humans and seldom can get out of their own experiences, beliefs, and world views. BDSM people are no different there. The "beleaguered minority" aspect to BDSM does make things more judgmental though. Subgroups are like that for a wide variety of reasons.

g2011 -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/9/2011 3:29:27 PM)
I myself being a very new,newbie and find it a bit intimidating to meet a total stranger for a couple of drinks and then go play!!Might be just because I am new.Rather then to wait for Mss.right I would definitely and am considering trying to find some sort of a trainer.My though is that if Mss. right shows up i might not look like a complete idiot just a male blonde!!

AneNoz -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/9/2011 3:36:08 PM)
Behaviour of this sort of thing has no place in my world. I would have no desire for one trained by another, nor equally would I wish to train one for any but myself.

experiment2 -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/9/2011 5:00:51 PM)
are we not all a collection of out experiences in life. some say thay would not accept a sub trained by another, others say only they have it right and your past experience does not really count. to a submissive it seems many Domme/Doms are on a total power trip leaving us in the state of confusion. to me training ( probably poorly labeled) is an ongoing process. we have to learn from a new Domme/Dom what they expect or desire in order to please them. each Domme i have encounters see things in there own way and a sub must learn and experience new things continually. very few want it to become routine and uneventful. for all boredom can set in. perhaps this is why many relationships fall apart afer an extended period. it is difficult to continually grow, but necessary. i am sure as a lowly submissive, seeking new areas to explore, will be found in error, but these are my thoughts.

kalikshama -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/9/2011 5:35:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Next time you get on a plane, do you want the guy who has read about it or do you want your pilot to have some flight time? [sm=cute.gif]

LadyPact -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/9/2011 9:28:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: experiment2 are we not all a collection of out experiences in life. some say thay would not accept a sub trained by another, others say only they have it right and your past experience does not really count. to a submissive it seems many Domme/Doms are on a total power trip leaving us in the state of confusion. to me training ( probably poorly labeled) is an ongoing process. we have to learn from a new Domme/Dom what they expect or desire in order to please them. each Domme i have encounters see things in there own way and a sub must learn and experience new things continually. very few want it to become routine and uneventful. for all boredom can set in. perhaps this is why many relationships fall apart afer an extended period. it is difficult to continually grow, but necessary. i am sure as a lowly submissive, seeking new areas to explore, will be found in error, but these are my thoughts. I will ask you to do Me a favor. Please do not do the "lowly submissive" bit. It's just a personal thing, but I don't really care for it. You're right that different people see this in different ways. That, I believe, is what the discussion is about. Some people want to wait and some people want to get their feet wet. It's just depending on how you look at things. I'm not a sit on the sidelines kind of person. I don't want to read about things. I want to do things. I would make the world's crappiest submissve. However, if I was on the other side of the kneel, I'd apply the same methods that I do as a top. Find the best person to learn from, after careful consideration of the aspects, and I'd want to learn whatever I could be taught from living it. I might even want to do a short term arrangement with a few, just to find what suited Me. I'd probably try a varying range of different protocol styles, ones who could teach Me special skills, at least one who was big on education, and certainly one who was versed in several areas of play. Frankly, I'm forty-two years old. Waiting just doesn't suit Me.

coookie -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/9/2011 9:42:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Next time you get on a plane, do you want the guy who has read about it or do you want your pilot to have some flight time? Both actually. Part of training in many fields includes an academic component as well as a hands-on practicum.

Acer49 -> RE: The Submissive "In Training" (7/11/2011 4:26:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Amygdalin To start, this is not a post questioning other peoples' preferences or taste when it comes to a certain type of lifestyle, play, kink or what have you. I know some people gravitate or like certain things just because that is their taste, and that's that. What one likes, another may hate. And that is fine with me. Variety is the spice of life. And this is also not a question about swingers or people who just play openly. It's about those who enlist in training with one Dom, and in the meantime are looking for a full time, long term Master. What I have never understood is the sub who enlists herself to a "trainer." And then talks/writes about it as if it's a selling point to potential Doms. As if it makes them better than a sub who has little or no experience. I am not condemning anyone for undergoing "training," but I'd like to explain why I don't understand it. A sub's training by another means nothing to me. It only means she was trained in a way that another Dominant liked. It could potentially involve a future Master to have to "untrain" her of certain qualities he didn't like. It could prove more of a speed bump than an actual selling point. One thing I don't understand is why a sub would want to be trained by anyone other than someone she wants to submit to and grow with long term? Knowing that her future owner will most likely be totally different than her temporary trainer, why would she expose herself to it? Is it a lack of patience for finding her true owner? Is it her self driven need to feel like she's serving someone that directs her toward the nearest person who provides her with control? Being "trained" in this manner seems like a colder, distant way of treating a sub. There is no potential for a life long, growing relationship. It is strictly training, like attending classes at a college. No real emotional committment. To me, nobody can train a sub/slave better than her Master himself. To be broken and taught by one may most likely lead to a failure of service, or some difficulty, in learning to serve another. It just seems like an unnecessary hardship for a sub to put herself thru. To me, there are a couple general characteristics a sub should have. And the desire to serve, or feel fulfilled thru serving and pleasing, is probably the greatest. If she possesses that quality, and shares the same "vanilla" interests I do, then training or learning to live together is something we can do on our own at our own pace. An outside force will most likely act as nothing more than a hindrance. It's hard enough finding someone suitable and compatible as it is. Why would anyone want to be trained by someone they didn't intend on having a long relationship with? And "training" (or perhaps a better way to describe it is learning to live together) is something that is ever evolving. What might be a strict rule now, may differ slightly 10 years down the road. Training is like learning. It's a process that has no definite end. It's not a cold, distant art. There are variables that occur in a long term relationship that would never arise in a no-committment, strictly training dynamic. And what exactly is a "trainer" going to do? Teach her to enjoy bondage sex? Fisting? To accept rape play? Aren't these things that should be explored with someone trusted that will be there long term? Someone who has an emotional involvement and investment? For me, it's a definite and resounding yes. Again, I'm not judging anyone for doing this, if it's what they really want and like. I just don't understand that whole process. First of all, dogs are trained, people are taught. A submissive like a dominant has needs. Let us say that the submissive had a need to live in a very high protocol environment. Seeking out someone who was well versed in this type of environment would not seem too far fetched. Trainers, mentors are limited to just how much they can do because they have no idea what the potential dominant wants, needs or desires. Emotions and emotional needs are subjective. Some feel that they are essential to a successful relationship. Others believe that emotions are simply a sign of weakness and cause indecisiveness. No trainer or mentor should ever use their position as a means to manipulate trainees to engage in any sexual activity. what so ever. If the trainee simply wanted sex, there are places better suited than the lifestyle. There is only one true rule about this lifestyle and that is that there are no rules. Basically if it works for the individuals involved, all is right with the world, even if everyone else in the world disagrees.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875