RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better???

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 2:04:56 AM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I have a sister in law who is a nurse who has become used to it and just shrugs off anyone who dies in her care and refuses to even help anyone outside of work. Personally I feel sad that she is that way. It means a part of her soul and conscience has died imo.

Just grieve and give it time and keep that person in your memory.

I couldn't disagree more.

I work within the care sector since 12 years...if I would take every loss too close I would have stopped that work a long time ago.

I worked in many different fields (childrens homes, nursing home, live-in care, live-out care, mental health, department for children with disabilities, adults with learning disabilities) and you have to (IMO as well as how we got prepared for the job during both of my degrees for it which took together 7 years to get them) keep professional distance to the work.

I learned soon (at least most of the time) to leave the work at work, as quite frankly when you are off you need the time for yourself to have a rest from the work you are doing.

Some years ago a resident died whom I had worked with for 15 months...she died 1 or 2 years after I had left that place, during her stay in a nursing home...a previous colleague who also worked with her attended her funeral and if I might have had time I might have done so, too....however, as my life was full with uni, placement and paid work schedule, also, quite frankly, there was no space left to attend the funeral...and whilst at one side it would have been nice to give her that last respect....on the other side it also was my "job" and whilst I did work with her in the past, that does not mean that I have to jump now....cause if I would jump for everyone I worked with...I would have to keep jumping all the time as I did work with about 200-300 different clients during my 7 years in the UK...(as I had times where I worked for 6 different employers at the same time, not because I would have changed the job all the time).

so quite frankly to keep professional distance is ok...I am at work when I need to work and I am there 100% during those times....however there are also times when I do remember myself that it is MY JOB and not my life....so most of the time aspects like attending the funeral (as example) would only happen if the death would have happened during my employment with that person....not afterwards (unless it is important to me for whatever reason or it just fits in into my life easily).

Keeping professional distance doesn't make you careless or rude.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 2:08:48 AM

sunshinemiss

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 3:57:31 AM

shorty21

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confused now.... My professionalism is being questioned now???

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 4:46:37 AM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I would be more worried if you did not feel like that.

The patient was someone you had a rapport with. You knew them and they were a friend. It's normal to feel grief for them.

Do you ever get used to it? To be honest I would hope not. I have a sister in law who is a nurse who has become used to it and just shrugs off anyone who dies in her care and refuses to even help anyone outside of work. Personally I feel sad that she is that way. It means a part of her soul and conscience has died imo.

Just grieve and give it time and keep that person in your memory.

And if you are correct, and this person was her FRIEND and not her CLIENT, she's doing something wrong and is destined for quick burn out... and then someone else, someone who knows how to maintain their emotional integrity will have to take over.

sunshine

Sunshine,

There are many ways to do this type of work.
I don't think keeping "a professional distance" makes one cold and rude, and I don't think being involved makes one unprofessional.

I have a former boss who never had to "maintain her emotional integrity" and managed to do just fine in the business of caring for people who lived in a group residence for the developmentally disabled.
She is the one who opened the group home and in the beginning was the only staff and lived there 24/7.
She was and is "mama" to many of them and she had lost more than a few people over the years.
For some people, she is the closest family connection they have.
She is their friend, family and closest confidant...but has never let her attachments get in the way of what is best for the people who were under her care/training. She once located a horse farm for a beloved resident more than a thousand miles away and transitioned that resident to be placed there under guardianship and it could not be a happier ending for him even though a piece of her heart went with him.

She has kept in touch with the people who left there and moved away, she has grieved with them through the loss of parents and rejoiced with them when there have been marriages (more than a few).

She loves them with her whole heart but it hasn't stopped her from being a professional, which she has managed to do for a very long time.

I have worked in the group homes in which 4 residents dwelled, and I worked in the one that she was in charge of that housed 13 people.
That is considered to be an "old model" and "too institutional".
It was more home-like than any other place I've worked and I have worked in many.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 4:51:13 AM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shorty21

confused now.... My professionalism is being questioned now???

No, I don't believe so.

It is just an off-shoot of the discussion that evolved, discussing how different people approach the job of care-giving differently.
Other people's job styles became topic for discussion.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 8:45:39 AM

sunshinemiss

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angelika, that may be so, but people like that are few and far between Rarely is there someone in this type of work who can maintain that level of emotional involvement without letting other parts of their world suffer - their own dreams, families, avocations, etc. There is always the exception to the rule.

best,
sunshine

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 9:07:32 AM

IceDemeter

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FR ~

Kudos to you for taking on a job that is so required and yet can be so difficult, and my condolences on your loss.

You are new to this, but please be assured that you will eventually find your own way to best deal with it.

I've known many in the caring professions who have become quite impersonal and efficient while at work, in order to save their emotions for their personal lives --- these people are wonderful at the jobs and have good lives. This works great for them.

I've known many others who do become more personally involved with their charges --- these people are professional and clinically capable but feel that they do their best work when they are personally more involved. They and their loved ones feel that the personal joys and satisfactions of their more emotional involvement more than outweigh the times when they feel the personal toll of loss. This works great for them.

All of those who I've known in the caring professions eventually find their place on the spectrum of these two extremes - finding what works best for themselves. I also know that more than a few of them had a hard time at the beginning, and that it took time and experience and a lot of talking with others to figure out where the balance was best for them. Sometimes what they found was that they had personal limits that they could not emotionally afford to cross (working with children, for example, or working exclusively with the terminally ill). This discovery did not mean that they were bad people or unprofessional or anything else - it just meant that they had enough self-knowledge to understand where they could do the most good with the least damage to themselves.

Please grieve your loss but remember to temper that grief with the knowledge that you did everything that you could and that your actions and knowledge brought comfort when it was needed. Keep your mind open, talk to those in similar professions (both those who to you seem most detached and those who seem most personally involved) and eventually you'll find your own balance.

Best wishes....

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