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Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:26:23 AM   
dac12


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/22/2011
Status: offline 		Hi,
I think I'm putting this in the right section. I've been trying to get into bdsm for almost a year now. I've been having one major problem. It seems like no subs want to do anything with a dom who is inexperienced. And I can't get any experience with out...you know...meeting a sub willing to do anything.

So I guess I'll try and put it into a question.
For Dom's:
how did you first get experience in bdsm.

advice from anyone is welcome.


< Message edited by dac12 -- 7/10/2011 11:27:02 AM >
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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:28:56 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Have you looked into attending events in your area or TNG munches?

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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:29:22 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Don't go looking for a sub. Go looking for a woman you like.

Once she likes you then you can discuss your interests.

I met my last boyfriend in a vanilla fashion and he never had a sub before.

He found one in me.

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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:34:45 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		What Angelika said.

You're very young and inexperienced, which may be a barrier to some. If you can get out into your local kink scene, meet a few people, go to clubs and try your hand at different stuff there under the guidance perhaps of those more experienced, then that may help.

But if it makes you feel any better, many Doms find it difficult to find the right sub for them. Hell, it's not easy for a sub to find the right Dom!

Be clear in what you're looking for - is it play partners (with or without sex) or a relationship? I would suggest also that you make your profile a bit more interesting and let it talk about YOU rather than just your kink, and hopefully things will improve.

I wish you luck!

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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:37:10 AM   
orchid77


Posts: 125
Joined: 5/20/2011
Status: offline 		I am a switch was a dominant, and I did a lot of soulsearching first, then researching, then reading, and talking to others. I observed others quietly, asked questions openly, did more soulsearching, was mentored and began to create for myself my own internal "profile" that said, 'This is Who I Am.' I made tons of mistakes (still do), screwed up a lot, did more soulsearching, went from one extreme to the next until years later found my true D/s self. My suggestion attend a real Munch and get to know real people. Join a local group and go to any workshops or educational programs offered. You will eventually find someone. Focus on you first.

< Message edited by orchid77 -- 7/10/2011 11:38:43 AM >

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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:43:35 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Master was mentored by a local Dom/sub couple who introduced him to the community and taught him how their relationship worked. They also taught him technical things likes flogging, using a single, and caning.

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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:45:34 AM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		For me it just kind of evolved out of a vanilla relationship. I don't think either of us even fully knew where it was going or where we wanted it to go. We just kept exploring and eventually it all fell into place. Personally that's my ideal, to take a compatible vanilla relationship and move into BDSM as it feels right. It's for that reason that I do very little on the 'other side' of CM and nothing in the rl community. Honestly I think the fact that the "need experience to get experience to have experience to get experience" issue so neatly mirrors the early stages of a career should be a red flag that perhaps you're approaching this wrong - if your sex life and your job look similar and you aren't a sex worker, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

All that being said, there are those who prefer to approach it that way, and if that works for you more power to you. If you're one of those people, I would seek out your local community and start learning from the prominent fixtures therein. That way, you get some experience and training in an environment where you are at very little risk of screwing up and hurting someone, and you get it in a conspicuous way which will demonstrate to potential partners that you have the knowledge to play safely and effectively.

Whichever path you take, remember that BDSM dating shares one very important characteristic with vanilla dating: It isn't the interview process for marriage/enslavement. It's supposed to be fun, it's supposed to enrich your life at every stage, and if you try to approach it in any other way you WILL cock it up.


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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 11:51:37 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Don't go looking for a sub. Go looking for a woman you like.







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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 12:08:23 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Don't go looking for a sub. Go looking for a woman you like.








agreed again =) but really, it depends on what you're looking for.

i was going to write "try participating in the community because there are usually always bottoms who are willing to be experimented on by the inexperienced." -- and that's true; there are usually a few people who don't mind helping inexperienced people get some hands-on practice time.

but you know, in my own life experience, i met a great guy with no pretenses that it would become a kinky relationship, we both just really liked each other and happened to have a boatload of stuff in common, including this. after he died, i joined the community as people recommended me to, and i've made some friends, but i haven't found another connection like that because, in the community, for the most part, the kink comes before people (not to mention politics, infighting, bickering, cliqueyness, etc etc etc).

if you're just looking for play time, then by all means, join the community, meet people, get some mentoring. if other people let you borrow their toys, take the opportunity. have fun and learn as much as you can.
you can make great friendships or even find a great relationship that way.

if you're looking for a relationship, just try to find someone who you really relate to. the rest has a way of taking care of itself.



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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 12:08:57 PM   
dac12


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/22/2011
Status: offline 		thanks for the advice, looking like I'll be approaching this from a different angle then i have been.

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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 12:55:01 PM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		given my aversion to the fucking things this is going to come as a bit of a surprise coming from me, but here goes: get thee to a munch.

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RE: Getting experience - 7/10/2011 4:47:09 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		A two prong approach. First go to munches, and more importantly to workshops. You claim you want to get into this but you insist on a woman allowing you to learn on her with the risk of you harming her. Take workshops and learn how to do things safely. That will convince women you meet at munches that you are serious about protecting your partner. If you can't be bothered to spend two hours learning how to use a flogger, then why should anyone bother letting you learn on them?

Second; try dating women who appeal to you. When things are heading toward the bedroom, and without using drugs or alcohol, have a discussion about what each of you likes in bed. My rule of thumb is that if you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. Trade std scans at the same time.


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RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 3:25:45 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		My first experience in all of this wasn't so much the BDSM angle.  It was the M/s and protocol areas.  I was brought into this lifestyle by somebody who thought that I would make a good Mistress for him.  It turned out that I did happen to be a good Dominant, but not especially a good compatibility match for that person at that time anyway.

If you are talking about topping (the actual BDSM part) the best place to learn that stuff is getting into your local community.  That's where you'll find the folks with the skills that you want to obtain.  You may find some classes where you have an opportunity to try things out that are being taught and will get you at least some experience of doing things.

If you're talking about the relationship part (the D/s part) you might even find that there, too.  Not a guarantee, but it's possible.  I'm not big on 'converting' vanillas (meaning you meet somebody who isn't necessarily kinky, but try to get her to be that after the relationship is established).  There's just plain too many folks that it doesn't work out for and it comes across more like bait and switch to Me.


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RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 3:51:34 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline 		I would have no problems hooking up with an inexperienced Dom - as long as he's honest about it! Exploring together can be a lot of fun. That said, when it comes to toys that have the potential to harm, I'd rather he have someone to show him how.

The first Dom I got together with claimed to be experienced; it turned out that as inexperienced as I was, he knew less. That pissed me off because had he used some of the toys he said he was going to, I could have been seriously hurt.

Good luck dac, you've received some good advice here, I hope you'll take it.


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RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 4:22:45 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

For Dom's: how did you first get experience in bdsm


My husband and I went to munches, demos, and expos, met people, went to private parties, and tried out all we learned from real live people. I also bought books and showed him my favorite parts. I'm sure someone will be along to give you the BDSM booklist - my favorite was "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns."

So all you need is the willingness to learn and the right partner. Do try a TNG group.



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RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 5:44:37 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dac12

Hi,
I think I'm putting this in the right section. I've been trying to get into bdsm for almost a year now. I've been having one major problem. It seems like no subs want to do anything with a dom who is inexperienced. And I can't get any experience with out...you know...meeting a sub willing to do anything.

So I guess I'll try and put it into a question.
For Dom's:
how did you first get experience in bdsm.

advice from anyone is welcome.



I can't speak for anyone else and I hope this doesn't come as overly arrogant, but as a strong willed, take charge, outspoken, alpha sorta guy, I've pretty much always attracted submissive type women, both in BDSM and in nilla.

< Message edited by Kana -- 7/11/2011 5:45:19 AM >

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RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 11:25:51 AM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		I am so glad I'm a sub, it's so much simpler. All I had to do was say yes, and the experiences just happened.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 11:31:59 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

A lot of people will recommend books, munches, demos, and being honest with experienced submissive partners about your lack of experience in hopes of finding a mentor that will help you along. Those are ok ideas too, but I think there's a downside to those approaches.

I think a young, single kinky person who limits themselves to book-learning, watching, and kinky venues with kinky partners may harm his own social/sensual/sexual development, fall behind in dating skills, and end up possibly much older, in his late 20s or 30s, with fairly little dating experience but a lot of kinky booksmarts, and a lot of built up fantasy and expectations. Not a good place to be.

You're young. Date. Flirt. Don't rush. Learn to identify women who are sensually adventurous through dating and trial and error. Experiment with light bdsm, simple bondage, roleplaying. If you wind up with partners who are sexually/sensually repressed, figure out what signals you missed and apply to the next set of dating. You don't have to have sex with these women, just experiment.

I come at this from the femdom POV so it's slightly different, but I spent my late teens and early 20s just experimenting slowly and at my own pace, long before I found the Internet and books about kinky lifestyles. If I had traded in the snails pace of experimenting with light bondage and roleplaying, I would have missed out on some of the most important aspects of BDSM that cannot be taught in a book or seminar or at a munch or through a mentor:

* How does doing S&m make me FEEL - before and after?
* How does S&m make my partner FEEL - before and after?
* How can we communicate about these feelings?
* What happens when fantasy and reality don't match up?
* How do you process weird feelings afterwards and open up about them?

There are a hell of a lot of things to process emotionally and learn to communicate about, all while developing skills to relate to your partner, that come from trial and error and baby steps. You can't teach "empathy" at a munch or seminar, or by hooking up with a much more experienced partner in hopes that they have the patience and skills to help.

You can, however, go slow and enjoy the process of exploration with women who are equally inexperienced but willing to try.

Akasha

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RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 11:33:30 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Jimi Hendrixx put out an album titled, 'Are You Experienced?'

Try listening to it.

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RE: Getting experience - 7/11/2011 11:36:57 AM   
hangemhigh1953


Posts: 245
Joined: 7/8/2011
Status: offline 		I'm a total beginner and honestly, I would almost prefer a Domme who isn't experienced. It would be fun to explore the learning curve together and develop a unique relationship. Then again all that can change so much whether you're looking for a one-time experience, a play partner, or a serious relationship, etc.

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