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SimplyMichael -> RE: Getting experience (7/12/2011 8:07:49 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
A lot of people will recommend books, munches, demos, and being honest with experienced submissive partners about your lack of experience in hopes of finding a mentor that will help you along. Those are ok ideas too, but I think there's a downside to those approaches.
I think a young, single kinky person who limits themselves to book-learning, watching, and kinky venues with kinky partners may harm his own social/sensual/sexual development, fall behind in dating skills, and end up possibly much older, in his late 20s or 30s, with fairly little dating experience but a lot of kinky booksmarts, and a lot of built up fantasy and expectations. Not a good place to be.
You're young. Date. Flirt. Don't rush. Learn to identify women who are sensually adventurous through dating and trial and error. Experiment with light bdsm, simple bondage, roleplaying. If you wind up with partners who are sexually/sensually repressed, figure out what signals you missed and apply to the next set of dating. You don't have to have sex with these women, just experiment.
I come at this from the femdom POV so it's slightly different, but I spent my late teens and early 20s just experimenting slowly and at my own pace, long before I found the Internet and books about kinky lifestyles. If I had traded in the snails pace of experimenting with light bondage and roleplaying, I would have missed out on some of the most important aspects of BDSM that cannot be taught in a book or seminar or at a munch or through a mentor:
* How does doing S&m make me FEEL - before and after?
* How does S&m make my partner FEEL - before and after?
* How can we communicate about these feelings?
* What happens when fantasy and reality don't match up?
* How do you process weird feelings afterwards and open up about them?
There are a hell of a lot of things to process emotionally and learn to communicate about, all while developing skills to relate to your partner, that come from trial and error and baby steps. You can't teach "empathy" at a munch or seminar, or by hooking up with a much more experienced partner in hopes that they have the patience and skills to help.
You can, however, go slow and enjoy the process of exploration with women who are equally inexperienced but willing to try.
Akasha
Akasha, I never managed to put it into words but I very much agree with what your wrote. Young people entering bdsm has bothered me but I couldn't put my finger on why, Thanks, Great post as usual.
@Dac12,
Dating, as a young man, sucks. Young women are wanted by almost everyone younger or older so they have their pick of partners, you don't. The women here will confirm this fact though. Kink skills are overrated. Learn to treat a woman as an individual, to communicate and be open with them will go a lot farther to getting you good partners. Worry less about learning to be kinky and worry more about growing into yourself, learning who you are and gaining the ability to manifest your life goals into reality. Do that, and women will beat a path to your door.
Second, the hot showy women that you see in bars look great in bars, the hot kinky women you see at clubs playing with all the experienced guys look great in rope. Most of them are boring to talk to, suck in bed, and make pisspoor partners. Ignore the women who flirt with everyone and instead look for the woman who flirts with you. Make her feel special and safe. Those two things work well in vanilla and kink and sadly all to few men are able to create that environment.
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