nilla gals scared of subbies?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

nilla gals scared of subbies?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> nilla gals scared of subbies?

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 12:42:52 PM

composer83

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline

Greetings All,

it is quite likely there is a similiar post elsewhere on this forum, but this is something i have repeatedly encountered & was curious as to Your various opinions....

i have long identified myself as a submissive....submission is not only something that is erotic to me, but is, in effect, a way for me to express caring, affection & compassion for someone with whom i am in a relationship.

a while ago i had met a wonderful woman with whom i could see myself having a very solid relationship.....we knew eachother & talked for about a month or so before going out a few times. around the 4th date i let her know specifically of my submissive tendencies....it could not have been a big surprise...as i am naturally subservient to women in the nilla world....this obviously scared her away as we are no longer seeing eachother. this is one example of several similiar personal experiences.....vanilla women being turned off by a submissive man....

is it possible they confuse submission with weakness?

maybe it is all coincidence & these particular women just arent into this type of thing, or are in search of a more dominant man?

i didnt go into any hardcore detail, specificially about my masochistic qualities, i mean im not TRYING to scare them away...just to let them know who would, as i heard it put earlier on another post, 'hold the whip' in the relationship

is it just not worth the energy to find an assertive, dominant woman in the daily vanilla world?

i am quite eager to hear all of Your thoughts...

thank you

~m

_____________________________

~Love is Pain~

www.myspace.com/iamthediminished

Post #: 1

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 12:46:16 PM

kittensmailbox

Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline

i like to think that we scare vanilla ppl off period simply because we are a group of ppl who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask...

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 2

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 1:03:17 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

is it possible they confuse submission with weakness?

maybe it is all coincidence & these particular women just arent into this type of thing, or are in search of a more dominant man?

i didnt go into any hardcore detail, specificially about my masochistic qualities, i mean im not TRYING to scare them away...just to let them know who would, as i heard it put earlier on another post, 'hold the whip' in the relationship

is it just not worth the energy to find an assertive, dominant woman in the daily vanilla world?

Maybe it's all a coincidence that all these women are vanilla. Vanilla women want vanilla men. Maybe if you are looking for a dominant woman you should try looking for one that is not vanilla.

How would you feel if you sought out a Domina only to have her 4 dates later tell you that she wanted you to be a typical vanilla man?

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 3

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 1:10:27 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

There-in is your problem.........you are searching the vanilla world. A world where most women have a preconcieved idea of what a man is supposed to be and sad to say, submissive is NOT IT!

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 4

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 1:21:52 PM

composer83

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline

hmm.....good point......
yum yum that crow is delicous!

but wait a minute.....i have heard several stories on here about how their D/s relationship started as nilla........even i...the relationship with my first Mistress started out as total platonic & vanilla......

what gives....

< Message edited by composer83 -- 5/17/2006 1:24:07 PM >

_____________________________

~Love is Pain~

www.myspace.com/iamthediminished

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 5

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 1:49:46 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

I think most vanilla women are content fitting into the societal roles of "men in charge". And I would venture to guess that most vanilla women aren't attracted to submissive men because they've been raised in a society that places power in the hands of men.
(Of course, this is a Western civilization over-generalization.)

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 6

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 1:56:49 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: composer83

hmm.....good point......
yum yum that crow is delicous!

but wait a minute.....i have heard several stories on here about how their D/s relationship started as nilla........even i...the relationship with my first Mistress started out as total platonic & vanilla......

what gives....

Total platonic & vanilla implies that both partners are naturally evolving in the relationship and no one has an ulterior motive from the beginning, as you do....

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 7

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 2:01:45 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I think there might be two things in play.

First is that indeed many people (some of them even identify as BDSMers) see submissive as weakness or passive.

The second though it that a sweet caring guy who takes the time to identify as submissive is also to saying "I'm a BDSMer" because vanilla folks don't normally use sub or dom in their descriptions of each other.

BDSM or SM or kinky or whatever is very scary to a vanilla person. Why wouldn't it be? Look at mass media's portrayal of it. Its either funny or its a cover of murders the vast majority of time. Heck when it isn't we all say "did you see this?" to each other.

Not only that, but things that are killing murder and rape and abuse get discussed as "kinky" but people on here themselves because the images or ideas can be turn-ons in the abstract if not the reality. We as a group then show confusion over what is or is not SM or Ds; why are surprised when vanilla folks do the same.

I'm really sorry, composer83, that this honesty may have cost you a relationship. Have you approached her again? How about the Greenery Press book "When Someone You Love is Kinky?" -- Fox gave it to his sister and it helped them; I've heard it has helped many people.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 8

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 2:08:47 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

Look at it this way not only are Nilla women skeered of my the sub/slaves are too!

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 2:20:37 PM

composer83

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline

i think you nailed it there.......but it is a tell tale sign of ignorance to relate submission to weakness....i know...at least in my experience........a weaker man would have completely broken down from some of the punishment i have recieved.....lol......
and at least.....i would rather have a relationship end on an honest note...than a dishonest one.......
maybe Loki's right......maybe i should be scared of the nilla gals & just run for the hills, Ma Barker!

~m

_____________________________

~Love is Pain~

www.myspace.com/iamthediminished

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 10

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 2:49:55 PM

MsMacComb

Posts: 808
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: My Mothers womb.
Status: offline

It can often just be a fear of the unknown. If the relationship hasn't evolved to the point where graphic details, fantasies, negotiations have taken place then its the "What?. What if?. Wonder what that means?" that may bother her (or a vanilla guy as well). You may be hoping for a little role play involving some spanking and oral worship. She may think you mean you in a skirt, lipstick, hose and heels with a feather duster stuck up your butt, waiting for a golden shower or for her to order you to start barking like a dog. "Submissive tendencies" is a wide open description, maybe in the future a tad more details and assurances would help to quell some fears?

_____________________________

Not looking for anyone for anything, any time.

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 11

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 2:50:09 PM

MistressWolfen

Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: composer83

is it just not worth the energy to find an assertive, dominant woman in the daily vanilla world?

i am quite eager to hear all of Your thoughts...

thank you

~m

When I read your post this query is what stood out for me. I am somewhat confused as to why you are seeking a dominant partner in the vanilla world? Why not seek a partner that is in the lifestyle. The other confusing part for me is that you have done this on more than one occasion; perhaps a little self examination and discovery will set you on a goal that can be more rewarding (or allow you to rethink what it is you are truly seeking). Good luck.

Edited: for typos

< Message edited by MistressWolfen -- 5/17/2006 3:04:11 PM >

_____________________________

Quoth the raven

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 12

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 2:54:26 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

It might be fear of responsibility ...

I enjoy topping guys from time to time ... But I hardly ever do it. Why? Because I don't want to be responsible for him ... The idea of being the boss, the one in control, etc scares me. It could be the vanilla women you're dating feel the same way ... Chances are they're attracted to your submissiveness (Otherwise you wouldn't get a date at all.) but to actually take a position of control over that submissiveness is more daunting than they're willing to accept.

Either way, if you want a domina, don't try to 'convert' vanilla girls. Not likely to work ...

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 13

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 3:25:12 PM

Najakcharmer

Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsMacComb

It can often just be a fear of the unknown. If the relationship hasn't evolved to the point where graphic details, fantasies, negotiations have taken place then its the "What?. What if?. Wonder what that means?" that may bother her (or a vanilla guy as well). You may be hoping for a little role play involving some spanking and oral worship. She may think you mean you in a skirt, lipstick, hose and heels with a feather duster stuck up your butt, waiting for a golden shower or for her to order you to start barking like a dog. "Submissive tendencies" is a wide open description, maybe in the future a tad more details and assurances would help to quell some fears?

Well said. I'll second that vote.

In the past, I have advised submissive men to introduce their wives to D/s by NEVER using the words "submissive" or "dominant", but instead describing their feelings in terms of romance, worship and courtly love, as a Knight who would do anything to win the favor of his Lady.

(in reply to MsMacComb)

Post #: 14

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 3:49:58 PM

LadyRope

Posts: 64
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline

I dont think its wrong to search for that partner you desire any where you can,I dont believe in limiting ones self,I also dont think that vanilla woman as it were, can not become the dominant in a relationship,I have heard many who have met in the vanilla world(non kink) and are couples doing just wonderfully..I think its also important to note that the op stated he is not just "playing" submissive,rather its what he is deep inside and innatly him,..I have many dear friends that are not kinky but who are very dominant in their home life,in other words they enjoy being in control..however,they are not interested in inflicting pain or bondage or such...you would never find them on a site like this,although you would find them on a vanilla site or at a museum or a bookstore...that being said,as a relationship grows and communication is open,I dont see why some of the enjoyment in Sm cant be introduced in time..sometimes we just make wrong choices,forwhat ever reasons,when it comes to relationships,and that happens alla kink or not...my non kinky female friends are not SCARED of what I am or what I do with males,its just not there thing,or who they are,those who are not dominant. They are not dictated to by the media,they are well read , informed, intelligent woman,who make up their own minds... and why does it have to be an extreme,if they are not interested in sumbissive,men,maybe they just want a male who is equal with in a relationship...not dominant..maybe,just maybe...these ladies,are just not interested,period.

(in reply to Najakcharmer)

Post #: 15

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 4:14:49 PM

composer83

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline

well said, good advice Lady Rope....and all of You.....

it is not that i am trying to 'convert' vanilla women into a lifestyle or a protocol or set of ideas....that would be like dating a Catholic & trying to get them to become Muslim....
no...there is no point in that........it just confuses my feeble brain to try and fathom why any woman, nilla or otherwise would not welcome the opportunity to be served, doted upon, worshipped, and even courted as by a chivalrous subbie bad-boy scout as myself....
& it if is that there is simply no interest.....thats ok too.......i have a pretty good idea of who i am & where i'm going (or would like to go) & if our vibes dont jive...its all good...

thanks for all your input thus far....

~m

_____________________________

~Love is Pain~

www.myspace.com/iamthediminished

(in reply to LadyRope)

Post #: 16

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 10:16:41 PM

subtlesubie

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: composer83

it just confuses my feeble brain to try and fathom why any woman, nilla or otherwise would not welcome the opportunity to be served, doted upon, worshipped, and even courted as by a chivalrous subbie bad-boy scout as myself....
& it if is that there is simply no interest.....thats ok too.......i have a pretty good idea of who i am & where i'm going (or would like to go) & if our vibes dont jive...its all good...

Generally speaking, ladies like submissive boys out of the bedroom, a dominant ones with in. Adjust your strategies accordingly.

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 17

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/17/2006 11:46:22 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

The simple fact is that the vast majority of vanilla people regard ALL of us, umm, not vanillas as wierd, sick freaks. I doubt it was the fact that you're specifically submissive that what bothered her; she may have reacted the same way if you'd told her you're a dominant, or told her nothing more than that you're into BDSM.

If BDSM is a requirement for you, that is you cannot foresee yourself in a successful relationship without it as a major element, as it is for me, I would not wait until a 4th date to address the subject.

I don't even look among vanillas for possible partners. I do my seeking within the BDSM community. But, when I meet a vanilla woman with whom I share a mutual attraction, the subject of BDSM is one of the first things I work into a conversation. Saves a lot of time that way.

Of course it doesn't hurt that I'm not afraid of being outed.

< Message edited by HarryVanWinkle -- 5/17/2006 11:47:57 PM >

(in reply to composer83)

Post #: 18

RE: nilla gals scared of subbies? - 5/18/2006 5:22:17 AM

handyfingers

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/12/2004
Status: offline

It is good that you found your past Mistress in the nilla lifestyle. However, I think it highly unlikely that you would find another as likely that would fit your needs as likely as you would in the bdsm lifestyle.

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)

Post #: 19

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> nilla gals scared of subbies?

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.105