click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

Laerie -> click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 6:25:39 PM)

My boyfriend and I have been working on finding a dynamic that works for us since April, but we aren't quite there. I have been using a journal to write down my rules, important thoughts to remember, revelations, etc, but...I still suck at being a sub. I feel like there's so much I have to remember to do that I will just never succeed.

For example, the other day I came home from work and boyfriend said we were going to go out to a snazzy place for dinner. I love going out and getting dressed up, but we've also been a little tight on cash lately, so I said, "are you sure we should do that?" He explained to me that he just sold a bunch of stuff on ebay and made about $300 so I had nothing to worry about. Being the bitch that I am (which I try so hard to suppress, but it seriously like hulks out of me sometimes), I said "Ooh, so let's make sure we blow it all right away!" I probably should have gotten paddled for that comment, but instead we got into a looong discussion about trust. I trust him with my life, but sometimes I feel like I know what's better for us as a couple...should I bite my tongue, learn to respectfully disagree, or what? Obviously I should leave the bitch-hulk in her cage, but I still don't know how to just relax and go with the flow/submit.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day and he said, "as a sub, you have the easy job". Umm, no. This is not easy for me. I'm naturally submissive but I still think logically and can't help it when I see boyfriend doing something totally dumb that I just want to shoo him away and do it myself. I know I can't do stuff like that anymore, but in the heat of the moment, I just forget my role as the sub and hulk out. So, I guess I also need to internalize my submission.

Yea, I wrote a novel. So, any suggestions, comments, whatever would be appreciated from all you lovely subs that know what the hell you're doing.



HisPet21 -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 6:57:02 PM)

I was NEVER submissive with my last boyfriend---even though submission comes naturally to me and even though I crave it---for the same reason I'd never get into a car with a drunk driver. The plain fact is that he wasn't very smart; he had a horrible temper, very little financial or academic sense, and a lot of self-destructive tendencies. One of the reasons our relationship didn't work is that I never trusted him enough to truly be submissive around him. I ended up taking charge, eventually. And on those few occasions when I let him take charge, and make major decisions, I ALWAYS regretted it. But I didn't settle, and now I am with a man I completely trust, who's smart enough not to make any decisions lightly, who'll do research and ask questions if he needs to, and who's ego isn't so dangerously large that he refuses to take my opinion into consideration. He knows I am smart, and takes advantage of what I know as one of many valuable resources he utilizes when being domly and all.

The point is, if you don't feel comfortable submitting to your bf, even when you feel his decisions aren't the best, there could be many causes. It could be that you have trust issues you shouldn't have, or that your dynamic is not yet firmly solidified, or that your submissive nature is in conflict with your feelings of independence (this happens with a lot of subs and slaves, I think). But it could also be that, well, your boyfriend doesn't know what he is doing, and your smart enough to realize that. Being a sub doesn't entail that you turn your brain off; in fact, if anything, being a sub is grounds to be especially picky about your relationships. No relationship should be treated lightly, vanilla or not, but let's face it, giving command over yourself to someone else is a BIG decision. It only takes one deadly, stupid mistake on a dom's part to ruin your life. If you don't trust this guy, it could be a red flag that you shouldn't. Or it could mean that you aren't ready, and need some time to develop more trust as a more vanilla couple before you jump into D/s. My Dom and I dated vanilla for a couple years before we started adding D/s to our dynamic; by then there was no doubt in my mind that I could trust him to take the wheel, and to recognize his limitations so that he could hand it over to someone else or get some help if need be.

Ask questions, and think hard. Don't bury your suspicions on the pretext of "he's a dom; I'm a sub." Dominance is something one earns when one is able to prove that he/she is capable.

Sorry for the long post, but I am passionate about this topic!



Arpig -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 6:59:34 PM)

quote:

"Ooh, so let's make sure we blow it all right away!"
I'd have laughed, kissed you, and thanked you for doing your job by pointing it out to me when you think I'm making a mistake. I may have decided to go ahead and take you out to dinner anyway, but that's neither here nor there. What you see as a major flaw, I see as a major plus. That's the type of sub I want, one who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm being a twit.

My point is that there is no ONE right way to be a sub, only what is right for you and him (or her...sorry ladies). We can't teach you how to be a sub. We can tell you what we think is right for our sub (or the subs can tell you the type of sub they are). But in the end, you have to be yourself, and if that includes a mild snarky streak that speaks up when he's being dumb, then perhaps you need to find a Dom who actually wants that sort of thing. Find what is right for the two of you, even if what you find out is that you aren't right for each other.

Good luck Laerie (please tell me that's not pronounced like "Larry")



DecadentDesire -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 7:08:54 PM)

Well, thinking logically doesn't seem to be your issue. Your issue seems to be expressing that logic in a destructive, passive aggressive dig at your boyfriend.

I won't worry so much about internalizing your submission as I would be with learning to be a good communicator, because this really has nothing to do with D/S.

It's easy to get frustrated at our partners, even the dominant ones. They are human and have their little quirks that gnaw away at us. Frustration is a normal experience in any relationship. It's what you do with that frustration that counts. Instead of sarcasm, try "I'm happy that you made that money, but why don't we stay in tonight instead of spending it?". Then offer a positive suggestion on what the two of you can do together like watch a movie or suck his cock (I bet that one will keep that $300 in the bank).

Loosen up a little bit. Learn not to sweat the small things. You'll find things go a lot smoother.



OsideGirl -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 7:09:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

"Ooh, so let's make sure we blow it all right away!"
I'd have laughed, kissed you, and thanked you for doing your job by pointing it out to me when you think I'm making a mistake. I may have decided to go ahead and take you out to dinner anyway, but that's neither here nor there. What you see as a major flaw, I see as a major plus. That's the type of sub I want, one who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm being a twit.

Master would be disappointed in me if I didn't tell him when I think he's making a mistake. He wouldn't have appreciated the sarcasm, but he would have appreciated the sentiment.



kalikshama -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 7:14:16 PM)

quote:

Well, thinking logically doesn't seem to be your issue. Your issue seems to be expressing that logic in a destructive, passive aggressive dig at your boyfriend.

I won't worry so much about internalizing your submission as I would be with learning to be a good communicator, because this really has nothing to do with D/S.

[sm=agree.gif]



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 7:18:28 PM)

I am going to say: you either trust, or you don't. No bullshit. No proofs. No nothing. You can trust, or you can't.

The person you need to trust, well they can not possibly give you all the circumstances you need to allow you to trust. At some point, to make it work -- you need to take a leap of faith.

Take it, or don't.







sexyred1 -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 7:31:59 PM)

I would not be with someone who did not value my honesty or differences of opinion.

Nothing to do with being a bad sub, everything to do with being with someone who is compatible.



Laerie -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 7:47:05 PM)

We have great communication (maybe even too much at times) I'm just a sarcastic person and yea, I can be a total bitch in the heat of the moment. I often end up regretting it, haha. And I'm also a chronic worrier, so I don't really know how to let go.

My boyfriend is ridiculously smart (too much for our own good sometimes) and we definitely wouldn't have been put out on the streets by dropping a Ben on dinner, but that's one area we really struggle to compromise. I grew up with coupon clippers and he grew up with a silver spoon. He takes care of us financially, but I still worry about our spending just because it's what I'm used to doing. He's never given me a reason not to trust him in this area, it just seems I'm set in my ways. So I guess I just need to do that leap of faith thing... I just don't know how to let go of my old ways and do it.

It is pronounced like Larry.

Thanks everyone. I guess I just need to relax and enjoy the ride like he keeps saying.



Arpig -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 8:23:34 PM)

quote:

Instead of sarcasm, try "I'm happy that you made that money, but why don't we stay in tonight instead of spending it?". Then offer a positive suggestion on what the two of you can do together like watch a movie or suck his cock (I bet that one will keep that $300 in the bank).
Sorry, that would make me want to puke!! I'd say "OK, You stay in", have her suck my cock, and then call my buddies and go blow the $300 at a strip bar or something. 



Arpig -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 8:25:18 PM)

quote:

It is pronounced like Larry.
Damn!



DecadentDesire -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 8:25:56 PM)

What can I say, man? I'm just a sucker for a good blowjob...



Arpig -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 8:32:02 PM)

Sorry, I just would prefer the sarcasm to the cloying, "I'm so glad, blah, blah, blah." Just say what you mean the way that comes naturally.

But then again, I'm not your average Dom. [sm=dunno.gif]



DecadentDesire -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 8:48:30 PM)

Don't have to apologize. That's your style.

I view communication as a progressive skill and treat as such in my relationships. I'm certainly big enough to handle a little backtalk, but I find you get farther in life without those behaviors.



Bertandlaerie -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 10:16:28 PM)

Being laerie's other half, I'll throw my two cents in here. I think this thread has gone in a different direction than she intended when she posted. I don't think her point was that she didn't trust me with money and that it was a potential red flag, and if it was then it is news to me since I am by and large responsible for paying for the life she has become accustomed to. The issue is not about a lack of communication or trust, at least not directly. Rather, the issue we both face is overcoming our fears/doubts about this lifestyle. I think (and she can come on in the morning and correct me if I am wrong) the question she meant to ask was how to overcome that immediate response of "but that's now how I'd do things" and trust that the world as we know it will not end if things aren't done the way that she thinks is right for her self-interest.

From my perspective, the issue we're dealing with here is how to best transition from a vanilla relationship toward a d/s one, essentially wade into the water inch by inch, testing along the way or taking a running start and cannonballing in. We're both fairly guarded people from previous life experiences and are coming to this lifestyle as much from need as from want.

I am the prototypical nice guy leader. I may even fall into the "not true dominant" or service top category in all honesty since my focus is first and foremost providing the best life for us as a couple, not as individuals. I was just starting to research this lifestyle when I met laerie just over four years ago. Everything about her screamed submissive, but she was just coming out of an incredibly destructive seven year relationship where the guy essentially enslaved (though it was never overtly recognized as d/s) her over time starting when she was 14. The last thing I wanted to do was introduce my proclivity toward an alternate lifestyle into the mix at the time given the realities of the situation and the interest fell by the wayside until she brought it up recently. In the interim, we've developed a number of behavioral patterns built around me playing the white knight role and her the damsel in distress (especially when I am the one causing that distress) that need (in my opinion) to be broken in order for this lifestyle to work. For instance one of the recurring conversations early in our relationship centered around love and how she had been taught that she had to earn love by providing services or making sacrifices and thus my assurances that I would love her no matter what were foreign to her. Though we've come very far from those days, pieces of our past still remain and effect our lives today.

As for me, I'm still working on fully accepting being dominant and maintaining confidence in that position even when the excrement hits the windspinner. I was raised to be deferential to women and put their needs ahead of my own, so I struggle to remember to privilege our needs instead of one of our immediate desires, especially when an argument develops from that immediate need not being met. Or in a less confusing way of saying it, I have trouble dealing with the anger she can generate when she doesn't get her way, especially when neither of us has the time to indulge in ridiculous fights that end up taking longer than letting her indulge her desire would have. Regrettably, I have caved more than once and backed off of my expectations of her because I didn't have the energy to deal with policing her actions at that moment. And yes, I am well aware that I am sending her, and myself, mixed messages... which I believe is at the crux of our whole dilemma.

So we're kind of stuck. Beyond breaking the inadvertent "training" we've provided ourselves over the last four years, the other major concern that I have heard from laerie is that she's afraid of losing herself in her submission, much like she did in her previous relationship. I am struggling to keep us on the right track and waiting for her to meet me part way in accepting her own submission. Given her past experiences and reticence, I admittedly treat her with kid gloves and rarely force submission upon her, preferring (and hoping) to wait for the epiphany to hit her that she can take the leap and trust me to catch her. If anyone out there has faced these feelings and lived to tell the tale, we would appreciate hearing about how it went.

I apologize for the length. I'm a PhD student so I'm trained to overanalyze everything and write it all down.



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/15/2011 11:27:03 PM)

 
From what I've gathered from this thread:

1.  You do seem a nice guy... good for you.

2.  If money is, in fact, "tight", she was right and you were wrong.

3.  She needs to learn (or you need to teach her) how to express herself more respectfully.

4.  Many s-types feel the need (knowingly or unknowingly) to test their d-type.  Immature and insecure... yes, but it's a way to reassure themselves that their d-type can, in fact, lead.

5.  If you two are still having these types of troubles after four years together, SOMETHING is wrong/missing. What that is... I haven't a clue (and neither will anyone else here who doesn't actually know you two), but something is, in fact, wrong/missing.  Maybe she needs her boundaries better spelled out for her (not in writing... long lists only become tedius), maybe she needs to be disciplined, maybe you need to be more consistent (mixed signals and all), maybe you need to be more stern with her, maybe things are too "vanilla" still, maybe that relationship where she was allegedly "enslaved" is exactly what she needs, maybe... maybe... maybe... this is something you two are going to have to figure out if y'all are in it for the long haul.

[:)]




HannahLynHeather -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/16/2011 12:11:48 AM)

quote:

I may even fall into the "not true dominant" or service top category in all honesty since my focus is first and foremost providing the best life for us as a couple, not as individuals.
no man, that makes you a fucking good dominant! keep that focus and you'll do alright in the end.

as for the rest i'm just too shagged out to bother reading such long entries in depth right now. tell ya what, i'll reread tomorrow and come back with one of my trademark outrageous replies.

<there's a head's up for you 21 [;)]>





sunshinemiss -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/16/2011 3:42:39 AM)

Sunny
Quote of the Day
goes to
Laerie

for
I can be a total
bitch in the heat
of the moment.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3769955/tm.htm 



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/16/2011 4:00:20 AM)

Sorry, must have used FR -- this is for the OP please.


Please clarify what you meant with this phrase: "that need to be broken" -- thanks.


quote:

that need (in my opinion) to be broken in order for this lifestyle to work. For instance one of the recurring conversations early in our relationship centered around love and how she had been taught that she had to earn love by providing services or making sacrifices and thus my assurances that I would love her no matter what were foreign to her. Though we've come very far from those days, pieces of our past still remain and effect our lives today.



Aileen1968 -> RE: click to collarme so they can teach me how to subbie (7/16/2011 5:08:14 AM)

You need to learn how to respectfully say things. There is a time and a place for sarcasm.



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625