To the jaded ones, how do you change?

To the jaded ones, how do you change? (Full Version)

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sharainks -> To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 3:02:34 PM)
The thread on giving up made me think about how jaded I've become since my initial interest in the lifestyle. So many of the thoughts that people expressed on there sound just like me. However it seemed like this might be worth a thread of its own. After many totally pointless emails, disappointing first meetings and relationships that turn out to be not what you seek, how do you regain a sense of newness, of openness to a new person? I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now because I've met someone I'm truly interested in and find that my own thought processes are not what they could be. Do others find themselves shutting down mentally when an idea is proposed and the first thing that comes to mind is "been there, done it, and its never worked so far." How do you turn off that shut off valve? Initially in the lifestyle I had made up my mind that I would keep an open mind about all new experiences. In the last 4-5 years its been more of the uh yeah, tried that already. How many others have experienced this and what do you/did you do to get a better perspective on it?

MistressOfGa -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 3:07:23 PM)
Oh this is such a great topic! I can understand exactly where you are coming from here. I have the same thoughts and I try very hard not to let them ruin any chance of finding a sub who truly wants to submit to me whole-heartedly. Just the mention of sex in the first email to me sends my finger to the delete button. It shouldnt be that way, but for me it is. I am interested in reading some of the responses too. I wish I had an answer for you.

windchymes -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 3:11:42 PM)
Same here....I've just learned not to get all giddy with excitement when I first meet someone, but rather, wait and see what happens. That way it's not a major letdown, but just a "eh, no big deal." In other words, I try to keep a bit of "reasonable" optimism, but keeping my expectations low.

juliaoceania -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 3:17:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharainks After many totally pointless emails, disappointing first meetings and relationships that turn out to be not what you seek, how do you regain a sense of newness, of openness to a new person? I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now because I've met someone I'm truly interested in and find that my own thought processes are not what they could be. Do others find themselves shutting down mentally when an idea is proposed and the first thing that comes to mind is "been there, done it, and its never worked so far." How do you turn off that shut off valve? I have not had years of experince searching for a dom... But I have had about 16 years experience of dating and trying to find someone suitable to me. Some of these situations lasted a couple of years, many only a few months. I was very hurt by the first BDSM experience I had, and I felt much jaded by it... then time went by, and just as importantly I gave myself permission to move on. It was very hard thing to do, but I did it. The reason why I responded to you was this question of remaining open to new people. I do not know if this is something you can force. Some "jadedness" can protect us from more disappointment, and you have to let yourself feel what you feel. Perhaps this new person isnt the person that will cause you to want to be open? ... At least not yet! I would give it time and let them grow on ya if you think there is a chance of it, the jadedness will leave if they are the right person for you. But this is just me and I could be wrong....smiles

scratchingpost -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 3:28:15 PM)
good question gave me alot to think about....I was slave for so long then I just stopped something inside me just stopped being able to submit the way I once did. I think My toy is happy about that. Part of me will always crave and miss that other side of me but no one can top me anymore no matter how hard I try I just cannot do it. I only know of One person who has the ability to brng it out of me again but I do not foresee that ever happening...It is not jaded just different I guess. I know that I enjoy the power exchange too much to give up the lifestyle though...that will not ever go away

sharainks -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:08:10 PM)
juliaoceania, I think for many of us it gets past being self protective and becomes self defeating. Self protective I understand. Its getting that sense fairly quick that the two people are on totally different wavelengths and no matter how cute the pic or how much click might be there in one area, that other areas just aren't going to work. Self defeating is like peering out the peekhole of the front door and running out the backdoor rather than staying to see what might be there.

LadyJezOfTheLake -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:15:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharainks The thread on giving up made me think about how jaded I've become since my initial interest in the lifestyle. So many of the thoughts that people expressed on there sound just like me. However it seemed like this might be worth a thread of its own. After many totally pointless emails, disappointing first meetings and relationships that turn out to be not what you seek, how do you regain a sense of newness, of openness to a new person? I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now because I've met someone I'm truly interested in and find that my own thought processes are not what they could be. Do others find themselves shutting down mentally when an idea is proposed and the first thing that comes to mind is "been there, done it, and its never worked so far." How do you turn off that shut off valve? Initially in the lifestyle I had made up my mind that I would keep an open mind about all new experiences. In the last 4-5 years its been more of the uh yeah, tried that already. How many others have experienced this and what do you/did you do to get a better perspective on it? Don't give up, it took me 8 years to find the Mr Right and He was in My own backyard of Dallas/FtWorth. We were both Texans and We never crossed paths until alt.com a little over 3 years ago. Now alt.com has become more of a adultfriendfinder site. Just remember that online is a tool to meet, not the relationship itself. MEET someone first, see if it clicks. Then worry about relationship skills and roles after that. It will happen when you least expect it, so just go with the flow. And remember this quote , can't remember the movie name but it goes like this "Give Me the chance to fuck up on My own, please don't judge Me by your previous Man's fuck up's" Lady Jezabel Of The Lake

fastlane -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:16:49 PM)
Fastlane looks down in disgust..."you break down on my baby and we got Nuttin!" As far as anything else breaking down..Fastlane shrugs...Morals, big deal, opinions of others, big deal, disappointments with meeting other's, big deal....but I need this big boy to lean on. Looks down again....whew...thank you! I'm not breakin...and I ain't taken...but I am very sensitive and shy[;)] Kevin

bandit25 -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:20:41 PM)
I don't know if you can change. Just be aware that you MAY be somewhat jaded when someone new comes into your life. Try very hard not to bring your excess baggage (and we all have it) into the new or potential relationship.

KnightofMists -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:25:51 PM)
Jaded-Mind vs the Open-Mind I do believe it is always a challenge to avoid behaviors and thought patterns that give us a jaded mind set. Our experiences can be positive or negative and teaches us lessons, establishes expectations and opinions. It is when we become so entrenched in these lessons that experience give that we begin to slip into the jaded mind set. When we first take steps in any new journey, everything will be exciting and nerve racking. It’s like going to that amusement park for the first time; Prepared to try every ride and every game. But, after a few rides and games we begin to loose that enthusiasm. We learn quickly that the rides and games are very much the same and for many of us, they loose the value they once had. Instead, we entrench in playing that which is comfortable and label the rest is being just the same with little variation. The following quote is from a book on Character Strengths and Virtues by Peterson & Seligman. The quote specifically is centered on having an open-mind. "Open-Mindedness is the willingness to search actively for evidence against one's favored beliefs, plans or goals, and to weight such evidence fairly when it is available. Its opposite has been called the myside bias, which refers to the pervasive tendency to think in ways that favor one's current views...." The basic premise is that having an open-minded is about challenging ones own beliefs, plans and/or goals. We should consider these challenges to our ideas fairly with an opportunity to change our current beliefs and opinions. This is what an open-minded is about. I believe to often we are entrenched in the idea that being open-minded is about accepting others views and opinions, but not necessarily having to agree with them. This thought pattern actually doesn’t promote our change or growth. In fact, I don’t believe this thought pattern will cause us anything more than tolerance for one another. It is my belief that having an open-mind is accepting the capacity to change in one self. In the quote, it was the considered opinion that the opposite of Open-Mindedness is “Myside Bias”. Myside Bias refers to the tendency to feel and think in ways that will favor and support ones views and will actually deter oneself from change. I believe that Myside Bias is the Jaded-Mind. So when you hear yourself state… “Been there, Done that”. Honestly consider have you really been there and done that with that person! Is the situation exactly the same as your past experiences? Are you looking for what is different in the situation or person from your past experiences? Too often we are only seeing the highlights or the things that push a particular button. Sometimes, the button is rather obvious and we are conscious of it. Other times the button is hidden and we are not very sure of it and it’s buried in our sub-conscious. I am not saying that we should ignore the feelings or thoughts when we have a button are pushed. However, I am saying that we should fight and not let our button cause an automated response from us. Be they actions, thoughts and/or feelings. Take note of the button being pushed and then considered thoughtful is our normal response justified in the current situation. Challenge one self to change and learn! So that instead of saying “Been there done that”, one can say to themselves, “Been there and NOW I am doing this”

Reflectivesoul -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:36:56 PM)
I think for me after facing many disappointments I have found that instead of lookinf or searching for a specific someone I look for friends. Leaves the doors much more open and the expectations low. It isnt fair to put an expectation on someone you dont know because they also do not know you, so how can they know what not to say or not to do to draw red flags from you? I know that having been hurt its not always easy and you start feeling like why bother or whats the point cause this person isnt any different, when in fact everyone is different thats what makes each person unique. You have to honestly try to NOT put your past on someone else because in a sense you're only setting them up to fail. How can you expect someone to get past the first hello if you're putting a dozen road blocks and land mines in their way, and they cant see it. Just as much as you probably hate having to jump through and over hurdles, you have to remain mindful not to put those same hurdles in front of someone else, then not expect them to fall flat on their face with each and every one. Be up front and honest with yourself, what you want, need, desire, and seek. Plus remember that no one is ever going to fill a preset mold you might imagine them in, no one is perfect. Just dont close the doors on someone else because they might have hair thats too long, a voice thats too loud, an oppinion you dont like, instead take the time to get to know them, then decide if it is someone you think you might enjoy having coffee with, making dinner for, watching movies with. See if you made a friend. If you did then you know what, you're just one more step closer to being able to allow that person or another person to get into your heart to show you who they are and what they are about. I've done that for a while now and I've had really good luck with it. Have I found the "One" no but I sure do enjoy the almosts and the so closes, they've given me a basis to start from. Will one of the almosts be the "O/one" hell if I know, but I dont expect any of them to be therefore I'm not going to be disappointed if they arent. Either way things turn out I know I have a bunch of friends that I really and truly enjoy spending time with, cutting up and carrying on, and in general sharing my time with. Which to me is a whole lot more valuable than shoving everyone off to the side cause they may not initially come across as being "perfect" for me. Well this got kind of long winded but I hope it helps. Good luck to you and I hope you can find some kind of inner peace so that you can find your "O/one", just know that sometimes they might not be where you expect them to be. ~RS~

ShiftedJewel -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:47:25 PM)
*Raises her hand and annouces to the room ...* *I'm Jewel and I'm jaded.* I don't know how to beat it, I try to give the benefit of a doubt... I really do. But so often it's proven to me that it was a wasted effort. So I wait a few days and get back on the horse. If nothing else, I'm persistant. *Jewel*

BitaTruble -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 4:55:35 PM)
Truly, it needs to be a balance between sub/Dom frenzy and 'eh, so what?'. A happy medium where you look forward to new experiences without bringing the baggage of past disappointment. Now, how do you accomplish that? Attitude is everything. The best way to attract the person you want.. is to be the person they are looking for, right? So, taking a step back and rather forget about what you are looking for and look at what 'you' are. No matter how great someone is, they can always improve. Look at different things that 'you' can do to make yourself more attractive to what you seek. Be yourself and be realistic in who you are first, then when you are satisfied, jump back into the fray, hopefully with a refreshed mind. Taking a good hard look at ourselves isn't always that easy, but in the end it's a great benefit, both to our own lives and to the lives of those we want to touch. They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs. What we most fail to see, is that we are also the frog to a lot of people ourselves. I imagine there are lots of people who either think I croak or would like to see me croak! ::laughs:: Something that I've noticed in life, people are attracted to people who are happy and have fun with life... who appreciate life and all it has to offer. On the flip side, no one really likes being around someone is down and dour all the time and 'we' control our own attitudes, no one else. Look within before looking out. Well wishes, Celeste

CreativeDominant -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/17/2006 5:06:28 PM)
Knight of Mists took this from Peterson and Seligman: "Open-Mindedness is the willingness to search actively for evidence against one's favored beliefs, plans or goals, and to weight such evidence fairly when it is available. Its opposite has been called the myside bias, which refers to the pervasive tendency to think in ways that favor one's current views...." I consider this to be a great statement. I've dealt with a lot of hurt in my life. My biggest problem seems to come about from expecting people to communicate and then, when they don't, feeling as if everyone only communicates when it is good and fun and not when it is hard and bound to lead to difficulties. I tell myself over and over that submissives will tend to do this and to guard against it but then, I realize that this is not fair to someone I don't even know yet. As others have noted, it is difficult to let go of past baggage and I am not saying that I let it go completely...I don't. I remain somewhat wary. But...I try to look at each person I meet as a new opportunity to make, if nothing else, a new friend. As for a jaded view when it comes to experiences, I've always felt that the only way I became jaded on something was doing it over and over and over with little time span between experiences or when I enjoyed the same experience with everyone I met. I don't do that any longer. There's many things I love to do in BDSM. I don't do them all with each and every D/s partner I play with. There's many things to be shared in lovemaking. I don't do every one of them with each casual lover. I love to read. Many of my friends don't. Many of them do. I share my reading pleasures/disappointments with those who get it and share other interests with those who do not. This way, I get to keep things fresh. That's just me, though. YMMV

Bearlee -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/18/2006 8:23:16 AM)
Yes, this thread IS a lot like the ‘when do you give up’ thread (http://www.collarchat.com/m_375476/mpage_3/key_/tm.htm#376676) where there are some really good comments, too. Your twist on the topic, sharainks, is perhaps the most thought provoking thread I’ve seen…thank you. Life is hard, sometimes. I’ve been hurt, occasionally I’ve felt overwhelmed, sometimes so sad at what people can do to one another; and occasionally, jaded. Usually none of these emotional states lasts for long, though; like I said on the thread above, I just ‘enjoy’ (if you will), those feelings too. I’m a firm believer that a pendulum has to swing both ways. Feelings are good…I try to allow myself all of them. Not allowing myself to feel real hurt means (to me), that I will not be able to feel real joy, either. I believe protecting yourself from pain also ‘protects’ you from the joy of living life fully. I enjoy this lifestyle; I want aspects of BDSM in my everyday life. I enjoy people with similar interests to mine and I realize every single one of them cannot be my ‘One’. I’m much like RS in the respect that I make friends and develop relationships of different levels. It is from one of those relationships that one might develop into the lasting, loving, D/s relationship that I’d like to have. It’s just impossible to read a profile, meet for coffee, and decide He is the One; for me it’s gotta develop over time, building on experiences we share together. If one is so jaded they pull back from life, stop meeting people, doing things they enjoy …living… then they are not open or available to very much at all. I think sometimes that is called ‘depression’. …and what Knight of Mists said, too!

Proprietrix -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/18/2006 8:27:15 AM)
This is a concept I struggle with often. Both online and off. Online, I find myself opening emails from unfamiliar names, with the sense of "Wonder what kind of loser/wanker wants to waste my time now." I really don't mean to be that way, but after opening 5 emails in a row filled with one-liners and sex fantasies, day after day after day, it's difficult to feel "spirited and excited" about getting a new message. Although, I must add that when it is a sincerely written email, it is definitely a breath of fresh air. Unfortunately, the well written ones are usually 1,000 miles away, so again, there's no real sense of hope of even so much as meeting for coffee and chat. Offline, I've seen (and gotten caught up in) munch groups that become self-destructive: Cliques, ulterior motives, group splits, judgment based on weight-gain or income loss, too much inclusivity, too much exclusivity, gossip, back-stabbing, politics. To the point I just want nothing to do with the groups sometimes. When a new group starts up, I'm hesitant to even give it a try. For many, many years I was always excited about the lifestyle. My MO was all about helping newbies, teaching, starting up groups, holding parties, organizing events, luncheons, activism, volunteering, and on and on. Within the past 5 years or so, I don't do much outside my own home & family when it comes to the lifestyle. I'm kind of disgusted with a lot of what I see, both on and offline. It causes a huge lack in enthusiasm, and ultimately... becoming jaded. I'm not real sure what the answer is, or if there even is one. I tried to spend more time with newcomers. They seem to have that sense of excitement. I guess I hoped it would be reflective enough to rub off on me. But I actually found it to be more mundane and tiring, having to sort through herds of jerk-offs to find the one or two that were actually eager to learn. I try occasionally stepping away from the lifestyle and then coming back. That just makes me feel like I've missed out on something that probably wasn't happening anyway. Being jaded certainly isn't a fun or comfortable place to be, so I'm always eager to try new suggestions to get out of the funk, and back in the swing.

mistoferin -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/18/2006 9:39:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharainks After many totally pointless emails, disappointing first meetings and relationships that turn out to be not what you seek, how do you regain a sense of newness, of openness to a new person? Great thread. Some days I have a much harder time with this than others. I come on here and have to wade through an endless sea of people who are either not what they state or who's intentions are not what they state. Most days I can just let it roll off like water on a duck's back, but yes, there are some days that I just have to walk away from it all for awhile. I find the one thing that helps me, although I am far from having it perfected, is to allow things to flow on the course that they will take and try to keep my expectations in proper perspective. Expectations are the thing that screw me up the worst. When I put time, thought and effort into someone and I do so from the perspective of openness and honesty....I have always had the expectation that I would get the same in return. That people will treat you as you treat them. When that fails to happen then I am left disappointed....and yes, just a little more jaded each time. So for me, what I have found that seems to work the best is that I don't really actively search as if I were on some kind of mission. I get some interesting emails, meet interesting people, run across a few interesting profiles....and you never know where any of it can lead you. I remain open to all of the possibilities but I don't approach them from the perspective of "this may possibly be the one". That way when it turns out to be so NOT the one...there isn't huge disappointment. Time has a way of revealing truth. Most of the more unscrupulous ones...the liars, the posers, the wannabes and the wankers...don't even realize how transparent they are to someone who is paying attention. Emails, message boards, munches and play parties alike...if you really listen over a period of time....the truth usually reveals itself.

Quivver -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/18/2006 12:58:17 PM)
Jaded, yup count me in. I'm not blaming the lifestyle, any blame I want to single out is at the end of the finger pointing directly back at me. Going right along with what KnightofMists said with the open mind thing about challenging our own beliefs, plans or goals is where things get rocky for me. I've come to realize that there are some things in life I want other then lifestyle matters that I wont budge an inch with and in other areas there is residue that rears it ugly head often when triggered. So I blame me....... I've been struggling with Jaded now for sometime and really appreciate this thread! Hugs................

ArchangelMichael -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/18/2006 1:29:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Proprietrix This is a concept I struggle with often. Both online and off. Online, I find myself opening emails from unfamiliar names, with the sense of "Wonder what kind of loser/wanker wants to waste my time now." I really don't mean to be that way, but after opening 5 emails in a row filled with one-liners and sex fantasies, day after day after day, it's difficult to feel "spirited and excited" about getting a new message. Although, I must add that when it is a sincerely written email, it is definitely a breath of fresh air. Unfortunately, the well written ones are usually 1,000 miles away, so again, there's no real sense of hope of even so much as meeting for coffee and chat. Offline, I've seen (and gotten caught up in) munch groups that become self-destructive: Cliques, ulterior motives, group splits, judgment based on weight-gain or income loss, too much inclusivity, too much exclusivity, gossip, back-stabbing, politics. To the point I just want nothing to do with the groups sometimes. When a new group starts up, I'm hesitant to even give it a try. For many, many years I was always excited about the lifestyle. My MO was all about helping newbies, teaching, starting up groups, holding parties, organizing events, luncheons, activism, volunteering, and on and on. Within the past 5 years or so, I don't do much outside my own home & family when it comes to the lifestyle. I'm kind of disgusted with a lot of what I see, both on and offline. It causes a huge lack in enthusiasm, and ultimately... becoming jaded. I'm not real sure what the answer is, or if there even is one. I tried to spend more time with newcomers. They seem to have that sense of excitement. I guess I hoped it would be reflective enough to rub off on me. But I actually found it to be more mundane and tiring, having to sort through herds of jerk-offs to find the one or two that were actually eager to learn. I try occasionally stepping away from the lifestyle and then coming back. That just makes me feel like I've missed out on something that probably wasn't happening anyway. Being jaded certainly isn't a fun or comfortable place to be, so I'm always eager to try new suggestions to get out of the funk, and back in the swing. I know what you mean. I've been involved off and on with various local BDSM groups for the past 8 years. In that time, I have seen all of what you've seen. I even ran my own SIG for a while (I founded the New Orleans TNG group, which was a SIG of the larger pansexual group). I stepped down from my position because I couldn't deal with the politics and it honestly seemed like there were indivduals who had it in for me. I decided that I didn't want the drama, so I stepped away for a while. I used to be so active in the local scene that I'd go to 3-4 events a week. I earned a lot, but it was also very tiring in the meantime. Now, I just go to a munch here and a party there. I try to support the local TNG groups (the one in Baton Rouge and the one in New Orleans) the best that I can. But I'm finding myself with less and less energy to actually get involved. I also like to help new people and pass along my knowledge. I am just often afraid that people will take my willingness to help new people as an attempt to "get the fresh meat" so to speak. That isn't my intention. One of the reasons I started NOLA TNG was to draw new, young people into the lifestyle where they could learn from their peers. But I also encouraged involvement with the larger, 18+ group as well. I am becomming increasingly jaded regarding local TNG. I know there are a lot of young kinky people out there, but it just seems like too many young people are apathetic these days. I've found a good small group of core people in TNG that I consider friends, but it just seems like there is a lack of interest overall. It also doesn't help that I have found a serious lack of potential partners within the local groups. I've found people to play with, but I have yet to find a compatible match for a relationship. Since I don't do poly, it's been particularly tough.

CreativeDominant -> RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? (5/18/2006 2:05:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin I find the one thing that helps me, although I am far from having it perfected, is to allow things to flow on the course that they will take and try to keep my expectations in proper perspective. Expectations are the thing that screw me up the worst. When I put time, thought and effort into someone and I do so from the perspective of openness and honesty....I have always had the expectation that I would get the same in return. That people will treat you as you treat them. When that fails to happen then I am left disappointed....and yes, just a little more jaded each time. This a broader statement of what I stated in my post. I like the way this is expressed. You know, you go through life trying to live...for the most part...that Golden Rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (even when it's hard) and then finding out that other people don't work under that same belief is disappointing. quote: So for me, what I have found that seems to work the best is that I don't really actively search as if I were on some kind of mission. I get some interesting emails, meet interesting people, run across a few interesting profiles....and you never know where any of it can lead you. I remain open to all of the possibilities but I don't approach them from the perspective of "this may possibly be the one". That way when it turns out to be so NOT the one...there isn't huge disappointment. Time has a way of revealing truth. Most of the more unscrupulous ones...the liars, the posers, the wannabes and the wankers...don't even realize how transparent they are to someone who is paying attention. Emails, message boards, munches and play parties alike...if you really listen over a period of time....the truth usually reveals itself. All well-said, mistoferin. I would only add that you have to learn to accept that, even when you meet someone and it builds and builds, there is no guarantee that hurt won't come. The only thing for sure in life is death and taxes. It's hard when it is happening but a little philosphical belief helps too...you can't know what happiness is until you've known heartache too.

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