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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/16/2011 11:59:45 PM

xssve

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I prefer to inflict pleasure, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 12:54:52 AM

coookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude

By cruel, I mean physically causing intense pain (resulting in physical harm) against the expressed desire or will of another person as well as being emotionally abusive and psychologically damaging in the worst imaginable ways.

This isn't a dominant that most people would want anything to do with though i do think that they are extremely rare. If I were consistently finding these type of men I would wonder what i were doing to attract them to me and what warning signs i had missed along the way.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 2:54:48 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude

I don't just "jump in". I spent months talking about just about everything before meeting them (there have only been 2).

By cruel, I mean physically causing intense pain (resulting in physical harm) against the expressed desire or will of another person as well as being emotionally abusive and psychologically damaging in the worst imaginable ways.

Um. The Doms I know, including myself, have a sadistic streak but would never do what you've just described. Something's wrong.

Maybe look for Daddy Doms or Gorean?

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 3:11:29 AM

LillyBoPeep

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the first M/s couple i met were not into S&M in the slightest and the s-person warned me about my own M at the time because he was a sadist.
where are you meeting these people who insist on hurting you to the point of physical harm? are they both from online?

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 5:27:48 AM

DecadentDesire

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Nope, I would say the most I am really interested in is a good spanking and that's for intimate reasons besides inflicting pain.

I could really care less about it. It does nothing for me. I don't find it erotic. Every time I have engaged in S/M, I have felt nothing like a service top and my heart really wasn't in it.

My kink is a relationship that revolves around the concept of "Ownership", not inflicting pain. Some people make the internal association between inflicting pain and expressing their dominance. I do not. I express my dominance sexually in other ways.

I also resent the notion we are just "waiting for some sub to bring out our sadistic side". Anyone thinks that will be sorely disappointed as I have been down this road before. After wasting time practicing S/M out of some juvenile notion of "its what I am SUPPOSED to do", I have no interest in doing it again.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 5:41:57 AM

DecadentDesire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude

I don't just "jump in". I spent months talking about just about everything before meeting them (there have only been 2).

By cruel, I mean physically causing intense pain (resulting in physical harm) against the expressed desire or will of another person as well as being emotionally abusive and psychologically damaging in the worst imaginable ways.

I think you're confusing being an "abusive, self absorbed asshole" with a "sexual sadist".

And while these dominants certainly exist, they are not the norm or the standard.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 5:42:30 AM

0ldhen

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No, not any more than all S types are masochists.

I have an evil streak, yet I am all s to that one who rings my bell.

Come to think of it, I know lots of S types on here with a terrible evil streak.

As well as quite a few D types who are just nicey nice.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 6:18:19 AM

DesFIP

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The Man has very little interest in it. (Thankfully).
His primary interest, and mine, is bondage.

However, OP, if the only people you are attracted to are abusive, that means you're picking them. There's a truism that we can walk into a crowded room and find the one person worst for us. And that's what you're doing.

The way to make healthier choices in partners is to deal with your familial issues. Because unerringly we pick people who are familiar, just like our family. The way out of this is cognitive behavioral therapy.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 7/17/2011 6:24:51 AM >

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 6:58:05 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I have had a very hard time being present for any play sessions involving a made dom and Female sub summiting to them

I'm a masochist but have a hard time watching pain inflicted on anyone else because part of me interprets it as abuse rather than SSC/RACK.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 7:03:08 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude

I don't just "jump in". I spent months talking about just about everything before meeting them (there have only been 2).

By cruel, I mean physically causing intense pain (resulting in physical harm) against the expressed desire or will of another person as well as being emotionally abusive and psychologically damaging in the worst imaginable ways.

Add my voice to those who say it's possible to be dominant but not sadistic.

Do consider the common denominator. For example, I know that I'm attracted to alcoholics. They often don't overtly present as such. I was living with someone for two months and didn't have a clue until the cops showed up at our door. This was a platonic relationship. For romantic relationships, some warning signs were there but I ignored them.

I'm also attracted to narcissists, but with the last one proceeded with such caution that I did not get emotionally involved and was able to sever the relationship without pain.

Celeste gave you some very good advice:

quote:

However, OP, if the only people you are attracted to are abusive, that means you're picking them. There's a truism that we can walk into a crowded room and find the one person worst for us. And that's what you're doing.

The way to make healthier choices in partners is to deal with your familial issues. Because unerringly we pick people who are familiar, just like our family. The way out of this is cognitive behavioral therapy.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 7:21:22 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude
I'm beginning to wonder if all Doms are sadists to at least some degree. Thoughts?

No. There is no connection between having a dominant personality and having a sadistic one. The only way those two even roughly get connected is because the BDSM labels do it that way. But in the larger picture the two traits are independent.

I'm not sure if I'm a "BDSM dom" or not.... but I do TPE with my wife and I'm not a sadist.

EDITED TO ADD (as I went back through the thread)
Would you believe it - I once knew a Black guy who was 7'0" tall - and he couldn't dribble a basketball!

LOLOL - yeah, that.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 7/17/2011 7:23:53 AM >

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 7:34:59 AM

Kalista07

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude
By cruel, I mean physically causing intense pain (resulting in physical harm) against the expressed desire or will of another person as well as being emotionally abusive and psychologically damaging in the worst imaginable ways.

I thought this was important enough to quote. This has NOTHING to do with BDSM. This is another issue entirely and I don't want to get into your issues and why it might be that you would be attracting people of this nature, as you've identified a pattern of this type of relationship, because I don't want you to feel like I'm blaming you. However I would strongly encourage you to get involved in your local community. Develop some friends of the same sex and learn to just have some "friends" in the community first and foremost and then once you have a strong network of those then I would encourage you to go ahead and look for Dominant men.
Men, in real life, are generally much different than what they want to display online.

Regarding the question you posted...My last Dominant partner was a self described Sadist and he was also a self described dominant. {As to what you did not ask he in a never years would have intentionally committed the acts you stated the men you've known have committed.....and trust me he has his own brand of douchbaggery}
Kali

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 7:44:58 AM

tj444

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude

It seems the dom's that I've met say that they are not sadists, and then turn out to be VERY cruel. Maybe I just bring it out in them :(

News flash - people on the internet frequently lie

Guys tend to be selfish and will say whatever they need to in order to get what they want (meaning you or at least meeting you).

But, they frequently give themselves away by saying things at other times that an aware person will see as a red flag. And when you are on the internet, you are not getting the body language and the variations in someones voice that can also give away a lie. I dont get people that jump into "play" the first time they meet someone from online, imo, you need to get to know the person in person first, meeting many many times doing normal none bdsm/sex things. The guy needs to know its going to be a while before more happens. jmo

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 9:41:06 AM

slaveluci

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NM 'cause I just finally figured out the answer to the question I was asking....I don't even drink coffee but think I need some to wake up.......luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 7/17/2011 9:43:39 AM >

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 9:58:46 AM

Tristan

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It took me a while to get used to spanking my first partner hard enough for her. What I came to realize is that through the pain of spanking, I was giving her pleasure. I can inflict pain only when I know it creates pleasure or desire in my partner. Otherwise, I have no interest in inflicting pain.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 10:25:00 AM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude

I spent months talking about just about everything before meeting them

Well there's your answer... it's PAYBACK for making 'em wait!!!

(kidding)

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 2:13:31 PM

IsoLinear

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There are just so many flavours in this lifestyle.
We're all unique.

I don't enjoy inflicting pain, and really dislike the degradation elements of some types of play. What gets me off is how my sub reacts to the 'pain'. My enjoyment comes from doing things to her that she enjoys, but couldn't really do to herself.

I push my sub to experience elements that they are curious about (their limits) and through that they get to know themselves better. This is the gift I give in return for for the gift of their submission.

I enjoy their enjoyment, and they in turn are pleased to have served me. The exact opposite of a viscious circle.

- Well, that's what I think anyhow. You're welcome to disagree.

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 2:15:16 PM

SailingBum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solicitude

I'm beginning to wonder if all Doms are sadists to at least some degree. Thoughts?

I'm beginning to wonder if all ppl with a vanilla cone are Morons to at least some degree. Thoughts?

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 2:29:08 PM

AngelControlsU

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quote:

I'm beginning to wonder if all ppl with a vanilla cone are Morons to at least some degree. Thoughts?

Hey! I resemble that remark

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RE: dominant but not sadistic - is it possible? - 7/17/2011 3:56:32 PM

Muttling

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The "pure" anything is a bit rare, but I have met them.

I've known several Doms/Dommes who weren't sadists by any means. I have also know several of them who inflicted pain simply because it was something their sub enjoyed and a part of caring for them.

I have also known a few masochists who were totally non-submissive. This has included sadists and Dom/Dommes who had a masochistic side as well as one who never Tops/bottoms with anyone but is also a pretty impressive masochist.

Different strokes for different folks.

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