When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play?

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When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into ... - 5/17/2006 8:42:30 PM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I have a question, I try very early on to determine if the Dom I am speaking to is seeking something more than casual play. Now I am not looking to jump right into 24/7 with anyone, but I do not want a parade of Dom's in my life either.
The problem is I am starting to feel I may be going about it wrong. I don't want to "scare" away Dom's who may be commitment minded by sounding demanding.
*So at what point in conversation do you feel this to be appropriate?
*Also, any advice on how to broach this subject without sounding needy or demanding?

Looking forward to any and all advice.

shy

Post #: 1

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/17/2006 8:50:13 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I would suggest you just put it in your profile. If you are not into casual play why not be honest & upfront about it.

There are many dominants out there that are not into casual play.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 2

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/17/2006 8:58:20 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear shyfem, Ladies and Gentlemen;

May I offer some consideration in using the word of "selective" scenes. You can word it the way it feels best to you however, using the word selective does not knock out casual and or LTR; but gives the reader knowledge you will go case by case.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 3

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/17/2006 10:31:48 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I know this is Ask a Master forum, but I thought I would tell you what I have done. I have profiles on other BDSM sites other than CM, and I stated unequivocally I did not want anythign casual at all. I was only into BDSM in the confines of a LTR that could lead to marriage. I have a teenage son, I have goals, I have a life basically. I am also 38 and I do not want to waste my precious time on people that are not headed my direction. I used to be like you, not want to be overly demanding, but you know what, this is MY life and I have the right to want my personal relationships to meet my needs. I only get one of these things we call a life.

I am writing this because I wanted you to know I had far fewer "just playing" responses than before I changed my profile to be as direct as I possibly could make it. These men were educated, could spell, had a flair for words. In other words I had plenty of suitable suitors. I think this was because I was soooooo crystal clear in what I wanted and needed I got the responses that I desired. You have to say what you want in order to have a chance at getting it. In fact I have noticed that there are MANY doms not interested in casual play, and if I were you, those would be the only ones I would look at seriously. Just my two cents...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 4

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 4:50:07 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

There is also the issue for those who will play casually, but non-sexually (ie no intercourse) which i have found tends to sometimes elicit comments like "All BDSM play to me is sexual." To which i reply, then i guess i won't be playing casually with you.

Though there is a Dom that i play with that i am not seeking any long term relationship with, (so in my book it is casual), He is the only one that i am having sex with, but i play publically with many others just to get a idea of the different techniques and experiences that are out there.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 6:12:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

When the other person brings up the idea of playing, you just say "I only play with someone if I'm involved with them serious, but there's a lot of kinks I enjoy."

Or, if you want to bring it up, just say "I like a lot of things, but never get into casual play."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 6

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 7:41:23 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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Well, I always stated that I was looking for a relationship that could develope into a long term relationship.

I always made it perfectly clear:

When I met someone for coffee and drinks, I made it clear that's all it would be. This is when I decided if I wanted to go out on a date with him.

When I had a first date, I made it clear that there would be no sex or play and most likely wouldn't be for at least 5 or 6 dates.

This tended to get rid of the people that just wanted to get laid.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 8:10:02 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

I would suggest you just put it in your profile. If you are not into casual play why not be honest & upfront about it.

There are many dominants out there that are not into casual play.

Best advise I've seen yet.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 8

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 8:49:17 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I was also looking for an LTR and if someone said they were not looing for that i would just tell them then ther is no reason fo us to meet. As to the first meeting to a pontital i agree with bobbi i do not play on the first meeting. As a matter of fact my Master and i met 3 times before we played. So just make it clear to anyone you are talking to that you want a LTR.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 9

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 8:50:19 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

Fastlane crosses shyfem off of his list.....

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(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 10

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 9:57:53 AM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Thank you all for your help, it seems being direct is the way to go. Like some have said BDSM activities without sex may be ok, however, being the sexual person I am this may not be for me

**LOL, Fastlane

**

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 11

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/18/2006 1:24:37 PM

NastyDaddy

Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

Timing is crucial and there are bad times as well as worse, for example:

About the same time as when the street walker lady stops bobbing her head, looks up with her oh so sexy eyes and tells her john she also has a penis...

When you first meet... right after hello how ah ya... or perhaps just after what are you looking for...

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 12

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/19/2006 7:16:00 PM

DARKDES1RE

Posts: 16
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

This is something you need to address in your profile , letting Doms know your intentions right away. That way either of you have clear knowledge of the expectations both have.

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 13

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/19/2006 8:52:53 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyfem
....
*So at what point in conversation do you feel this to be appropriate?
*Also, any advice on how to broach this subject without sounding needy or demanding?

From the getgo. Be upfront in your profile so that their is little if any reason for misunderstanding, be blunt if neccessary.Up until last night when I updated my profile :o) it was always very to the point as to what I was looking for, friends or a Master. I got more trollmail than I can shake a stick at, but if people would take the few moments to read it was to the point and upfront.

If you want to ease into 24/7 then say so, honesty is respected and valued. I dont' think being honest is being 'needy or demanding' its being honest. Casual relationships were NEVER my thing, I ONLY wanted 24/7 and soon, that's what I will have. Casual is fine if that's your thing, but if your ultimate goal is 24/7 don't compermise.

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(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 14

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/19/2006 8:59:08 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

slaverosebeuty very good.

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(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 15

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/19/2006 9:12:56 PM

littlemissub

Posts: 118
Joined: 5/4/2006
Status: offline

Good question to ask shyfem. I have often wondered this question myself. It is so hard to weed out the ones that want what you want and the ones that just want "fun". but you gotta ask to find out.

_____________________________

~littlemissy~

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 16

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/19/2006 9:18:36 PM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I appreciate everyone's replies and have updated my profile.

*Now if only they would read it

~shy

(in reply to littlemissub)

Post #: 17

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/19/2006 9:30:07 PM

Phoenixandnika

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyfem

I appreciate everyone's replies and have updated my profile.

*Now if only they would read it

~shy

shy,
That in itself may be a challenge.
Getting them to read it and respect it.
If they don't read or respect it the block button does wonders.

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 18

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/19/2006 10:28:02 PM

Slipstreme

Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline

Let him know up front about it. It is the best way to keep him from imploring further. If he won't wait until you two are well on the path of being together, then he isn't the Dom for you. You must both be ready to make the next step to sceneing, be sure to let him know that. Good luck.

(Nilla advice can go a long way. If you aren't comfortable, let him know. Honesty is your best policy.)

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)

Post #: 19

RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not i... - 5/21/2006 4:58:34 AM

bridget2

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/18/2006
Status: offline

agrees with letting them know up front...many doms/dommes are seeking LTR and require the affections and committments that go with them

(in reply to Slipstreme)

Post #: 20

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play?

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