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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 12:00:32 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarthVaderOfLove

Is it against TOS for an exhibitionist to post a picture of his dick wherever he wants? Getting the shock value thrill over people running into it unsuspectingly? I would imagine it is. Probably some form of sexual harassment, regardless of how happy the exhibitionist is to show off his dick, if you didn't ask to see it or wasn't receptive to it, then why the hell should you put up with it? Even on CM. The bottom line is one person is getting off at the expense of another, without consent.

So what is the difference for a sadist getting his/her jollies goading people into having a little frustration fit or something? Hurting their feelings etc. Pushing the tantrum button, until someone pops and freaks out, thus humiliating themselves. If someone who puts it out there on their profile that they get off on humiliating others, or control, or general cruelty or whatever, then why should someone else have to foot the emotional bill for their pleasure without consent?

Just a hypothetical question. Granted, a certain thickness of skin is a priority in everyday life, but how much should be expected on here? I totally understand the give and take of internet forums. And I haven't been here long enough to observe anything really cruel or 'over the line'. This is just a question, not accusing anyone of doing this.

It's been said before that the very act of posting/participating IS consent. Personally, I agree with that theory only sometimes, less so others. To ME, there is a huge gray area. One that the mods may, or may not, agree with. Depending upon the situation.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DarthVaderOfLove)

Post #: 21

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 12:05:01 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Say what?

If someone comes on here and asks a question or makes a statement, they do so for the sole purpose of eliciting a response. Which in my mind means they have given consent to being responded to.

If they don't like the response, they should ignore it, hide it, fight about it, whatever floats their boat.

I agree there are some posters (not just on the Gor board) who like to poke posters and see what reaction they get. A mature person is capable of controlling their reactions to others opinions, and hopefully has the self confidence to not need those opinions to validate who they are or what they think.

If you are young enough to be still acquiring that level of maturity and self confidence, you could easily have some issues on these boards.

When I was your age, I'm not sure how well *I* would have handled the Gor board, they can get nasty and are quick to attack, especially when anyone makes *any* statement that implies disrespect for their demiGod John Norman.

As for whatever cmail messages you may have received about your thread, there is a reason why block and ignore are your friend.

_____________________________

(in reply to DarthVaderOfLove)

Post #: 22

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 12:18:25 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

You get defensive when people suggest you might be wrong and feel angry.

Why do you need to be right?

Everyone makes mistakes.

It is very hard to learn from those mistakes when you are busy defending them and it sounds like you also get angry at yourself.

This is the first thing I learned from my Master very early on.
There was an incident early on that could have evolved into a big fight and instead it didn't but that is because I had a eureka moment:

I had to be open to listening and hearing what he said.
I had to be open to the possibility that he was right.

And I just stopped arguing in my head and first accepted his feelings as valid and then listened some more and realised that it was possible he was right.
I stopped being defensive around him because once I did I felt less anxious.

So what are you fighting and why?

There is an expression: Would you rather be right than happy?

I have another suggestion which is to read The Four Agreements.
(1) Be Impeccable With Your Word.
(2) Don't Take Anything Personally.
(3) Don't Make Assumptions.
(4) Always Do Your Best.

You kind of got into trouble on a few of them on the Gorean thread.

http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319

There is not one way to be in this "lifestyle".
Thinking that there is will set yourself up for failure.

What you need to do is find yourself someone you are compatible with.

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(as deemed by He who owns me)

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to bondageBirdy)

Post #: 23

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 12:25:27 PM

zephyroftheNorth

Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline

quote:

There is an expression: Would you rather be right than happy?

I'd rather be right...that would make me happy.

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And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
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(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 24

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 12:50:44 PM

bondageBirdy

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/20/2011
Status: offline

I'm just going to move on from it. Maybe those people hate me now....or they think im just looking for attention. and in a way i am. I want to learn something, and like i said, this is the only way i can do so right now. So yes, i want you to talk to me when i ask a question, and i want my post to be full of knowledgeable answers and responses and intelligent debates and topics im not familiar with, is that a bad thing? Have many become so jaded that they no longer remember what it was like to be in my position? Were you ever in my position?

For e

(in reply to zephyroftheNorth)

Post #: 25

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 12:55:06 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bondageBirdy

I'm just going to move on from it. Maybe those people hate me now....or they think im just looking for attention. and in a way i am. I want to learn something, and like i said, this is the only way i can do so right now. So yes, i want you to talk to me when i ask a question, and i want my post to be full of knowledgeable answers and responses and intelligent debates and topics im not familiar with, is that a bad thing? Have many become so jaded that they no longer remember what it was like to be in my position? Were you ever in my position?

For e

I guarantee no one hates you. I've not read the thread in question. There is a probability that there will be a perception of the person you are based upon the words you've typed. In addition to how you handle yourself from this point on.

Everyone has been your age. How we handled ourselves at that point in time is as varied as we are. Expecting you to behave as an adult, learn from your mistakes....is not being jaded. It's part of life. Do not whine about how you've been treated because of your behaviour. Learn from it and move forward.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to bondageBirdy)

Post #: 26

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 1:30:51 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Ya know you sound like my daughter when she was a teenager. She was extremely sensitive about everything. No matter what anyone said she'd take it the wrong way and she'd become very angry and upset and just start crying and whining about how no one loves her, everyone hates her, no one understands her, why is everyone so mean to her, etc...

She's now an adult with her own place, her own life, boyfriend, etc...and has really grown up by being on her own without anyone around to coddle her and take care of her problems. She has to do it all by herself now and while she may call for advice I no longer solve them for her or baby her or try to protect her...even though at times I'd like to.

I'm going to assume you're young since I did not look at your profile. I'd say it's all a matter of growing up and having life experiences which after awhile you'll get fed up with it and make some real life decisions not to put up with the shit that life will throw at you.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 27

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 1:31:36 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I am going to say that the number one thing to remember is that when you perceive someone as being nasty it is usually one of two things.

Your issues, not theirs. You are inserting intent where none existed and just read what they wrote through your own filters.

OR......they were intending to be an asshole and it is THEIR PROBLEM, not yours. So, don't take it personally.

It's not about developing a thick skin........to ME. It's about recognizing the why's of your reaction, then dealing with it.

This, but I would also add that part of getting a thicker skin is realizing that in a short time you will probably not remember the exchanges that caused you to feel upset, or if you do remember, it will not feel important to you...

I rate things in importance by the time system. If I will not care in a year, I should not care at all about it today. The time scale that I rate things by, if I will care in 5 yrs it becomes a big deal, but the ultimate test... in a 100 yrs who will know and who will care? On that time scale, there are not many things that people will know or care about in regards to your life.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 28

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 1:58:38 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Hey..... Wow! It's not a "Lady Pact's being mean" thread!

I couldn't sleep last night, so I was doing some reading here. I actually read the thread you are referencing because I noticed it was your original and you had another question last week. In My opinion, yes, you were being impatient and the folks who responded on that thread really weren't that hard on you. There's some wisdom in your title, I think.

This is really one of those occasions where you have to look at how both sides see the exchange. You are new, young, really excited about the things you want to discuss, and yes, you are lacking a bit of maturity, which factors into some of this. The folks that you had asked the question to had discussed in several times over the years, so it's a bit old hat and probably doesn't peak their interest after having the same conversation repeatedly over the course of their lives. Bad analogy, but you're like the young puppy who wants to play and bounces around the older dog on the porch who really isn't interested in the ball and is more relaxed.

If you are the same way at the lifestyle events your attending (from the other thread) this is probably why you are having problems. I don't see it as an issue from your family not being 'cuddly'. That's something else entirely.

Yes, we were all excited when we first started doing this. That bright shinny ball was the most fascinating thing in the world and we didn't understand why the folks who had played with that ball for years weren't as hyper about it as we were. It's what a lot of people do. Ten years from now when you've discussed that same question a hundred times, it's not going to be as exciting and other topics or conversations might interest you more. Somebody who is brand new to all this won't understand why you're not as fired up about talking about it and you'll be the one who has talked it to death. It really will be ok.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 29

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 1:58:55 PM

zephyroftheNorth

Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline

quote:

This, but I would also add that part of getting a thicker skin is realizing that in a short time you will probably not remember the exchanges that caused you to feel upset, or if you do remember, it will not feel important to you...

And I in turn will add that if you remember it and it does bother you, it's time to take stock of yourself and why these things bother you.

Zeph

_____________________________

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The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 30

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 5:18:02 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Take heart.
It is just as bad on the other side of the spectrum. I don't give a rip what anyone says unless I know them up close and personal AND I have respect for them. People can call me all kinds of shit and it doesn't phase me because I am only stating things how I view them and if that position bugs them that is their deal not mine.
This can come out as very insensitive, unfeeling, not honoring someones longevity or position (especially on forums), or it can be seen as "uppity". All bad traits by definition. At least a sensitive person can spark feelings of sympathy from others when they are not picking you apart.

The only thing I can tell you is that it is probably going to get easier for you over time. You will start to develop a thicker skin as you get to know how people are apt to respond.

Hang in there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: bondageBirdy

now the littlest things that people say, or even rejection, can really hurt me, and often send me into isolation. Or they just make me out rightly angry, and i lash out.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to bondageBirdy)

Post #: 31

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 6:19:03 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

I feel ya - at first it was hard for me to ignore the negative but I've gotten much better at it!

Let me preface this by saying I have not found the regulars on the Gorean forum fun to play with. That disclaimer out of the way, most of them were actually rather tolerant towards you. Read the Gorean rape threads for real intolerance :)

I think confusion arouse because you were getting nasty messages in your CMail, so complained about being attacked, on a thread where no one could see the attacks (as they were in your private mail.)

However, you should know that claiming to have received mail that supports one's position is a common ploy that is not believed. I am not at all implying that YOU were lying, but now you have context for the skepticism you received.

There are currently almost 15,000 members and guests on right now - do learn to focus on the posts you like, ignore or hide the posters you don't, and be open to constructive criticism.

(in reply to bondageBirdy)

Post #: 32

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 6:37:09 PM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

Hey, the Goreans are equal opportunity people, its not just newbies we are hard on, but we are very hard on each other also. The only difference between the newbie and the regular or old timers so to speak is the old timers discussions are more capable of utilizing knowledge of Gor in the discussions. Hell i remember when people like Leonidas and Luther would go at each other -- it was like watching an intense tennis match to see who would volley the next information that makes you sit up and say ohhh no fucking way! or damn really?

All in all OP, learn the very simple thing -- there is no one's world on this forum that your world takes priority in except to you. Which means, realize you aren't all that important to anyone on these forums so while you may be excited and think you have just asked the most amazing question everyone will love discussing -- it's more than likely not all that great and been done before (ESPECIALLY) in the Gorean forum -- there isn't much newbies ask that surprise people who have been living and reading and discussing being Gorean for years.

But ask a question that will make them take notice and you will get some really good discussion in the Gorean forum, even the ones that seem like they are a A-K47 exploding, if you read what the Goreans say who are discussing in the thread -- you will learn about Gor and being Gorean.

Plus its in the middle of the summer -- many people don't spend as much time on the computer and since the Gorean forum has slowed down in the interesting discussions, it may take a few days for people to actually see any new threads and actually get up the gumption to respond with anything outside of bitch slapping you for whining and trying to manipulate peope into doing what you want (i.e. responding to your thread) which we both know is what some of your posts were trying to do.

All in all. Kick back and relax. Instead of starting threads, read the ones already going and start participating showing you have knowledge and your willingness to learn and then when you have questions start asking them. YOu will get responses -- but be prepared that the responses may not always be what you want to hear.\

A thick skin not so much as realizing it's online, its an anonymous message board and there is nothing you should be taking personal here. And learn real fast that you aren't important to the 100s of people on these discussion boards, you are a piece of sand on the bottom of the vast ocean that is CM discussion boards. Some people will remember you, many will not, some may become online friends, most will not, some may even become offline friends, majority will not - most will read your post but won't realize who you are until they have something to say to your post because most people scan the content as they are interested in the discussion going on, not you personally. Find validation in yourself, don't seek validation from nicknames on an anonymous discussion board that's a really bad way to start your stay.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 33

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/22/2011 6:19:47 AM

ChasteDream

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/17/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bondageBirdy

I'm just going to move on from it. Maybe those people hate me now....or they think im just looking for attention. and in a way i am. I want to learn something, and like i said, this is the only way i can do so right now. So yes, i want you to talk to me when i ask a question, and i want my post to be full of knowledgeable answers and responses and intelligent debates and topics im not familiar with, is that a bad thing? Have many become so jaded that they no longer remember what it was like to be in my position? Were you ever in my position?

For e

Ah; you changed your profile name, but kept the pic! I thought so. Ok; now I know who I'm insulting, we can get on with it!
Seriously, of course its good to ask questions and seek information when you're new. And most of us will actually remember what that's like. But you must also accept that - and I was on that previous thread myself - you do have quite a short fuse! Now that is fine; any nice guy like me will be happy to strap you down and beat it out of ya! (Well; bit far away for me, actually, much as I love swimming). But it would be useful for you to maybe try and take it a bit easier. I expect this is part of your way of being in the world, just as mine is to operate quite tongue in cheek at times. But knowledge is strength, and becoming aware of a certain propensity helps to give a degree of control and power over it. So, now you know; uncle LordSirChasteDream just told you! You know you are a bit thin skinned and sometimes take offense needlessly. Maybe try counting to ten before getting upset another time; or maybe three thousand and ten!
And also bear in mind that getting 'flamed' on websites is an occupational hazard every time you have the courage to post! Even a sweet, kind gentle ol' guy like me gets it sometimes! So just brace up them lovely little shoulders - not that I can see your shoulders in that pic - and stiffen that little upper lip, and just tell them to F****INGP*SSOFFANDD*EYOUF***INGBAS***DS!!! (After counting to three thousand and ten, of course!)
Gosh; I bet this post is SOOOOOOOOO helpful!

_____________________________

Sorry if I come across as a sarcastic and sour arsehole. Oh, hang on; no; actually I'm not..........

Nurse, pass the humour by-pass instrument; this man is having a humorrhage..........

(in reply to bondageBirdy)

Post #: 34

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/22/2011 6:35:18 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bondageBirdy

I'm just going to move on from it. Maybe those people hate me now....or they think im just looking for attention. and in a way i am. I want to learn something, and like i said, this is the only way i can do so right now. So yes, i want you to talk to me when i ask a question, and i want my post to be full of knowledgeable answers and responses and intelligent debates and topics im not familiar with, is that a bad thing? Have many become so jaded that they no longer remember what it was like to be in my position? Were you ever in my position?

For e

We were all young once, and we were all new to BDSM once.

However, I took the time to go into the Gor forum and read your thread. Here's what I saw:

First, you posted a wonderful topic for discussion and debate, but unfortunately many Goreans don't like to debate about John Norman, he's their God and they were insulted.

You didn't get an immediate reply to your thread post, and became extremely impatient.

You did get a wonderful reply from ChasteDream, which you completely ignored (very impolite).

Then you came back with a high drama post of how you were attacked, but failed to mention it was in cmail. This was poor communication on your part, not to mention a very emotional reaction to what was, after all, merely a forum post. You were not personally, physically attacked, it was some pixels on a screen for Gawd's sake !

Since you failed to communicate how and where you were attacked, some posters got snarky with you. Instead of clarifying, YOU went on the attack in a nasty, immature, completely over the top way.

Let's recap, shall we?

You were extremely impatient and impolite, you communicated poorly and were far too emotional for the situation, and when you got called on it, you turned nasty.

Then you decided to post a thread about how you were mistreated to garner sympathy. That just screams attention seeking brat riding the drama llama.

That's great you want to talk and want to learn, but you are going to have to seriously improve your communication skills (not to mention, control your extremely bratty tendencies) if you want people to talk back in a nice way.

_____________________________

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Post #: 35

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/22/2011 6:37:03 AM

MineMineMine

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/9/2011
Status: offline

You can run, Chatte, but you can't hide,

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Every breath you take
Every move you make

I'll be watching you

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Post #: 36

RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/22/2011 6:47:34 AM

zephyroftheNorth

Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline

Awesome, awesome post angel and one that a lot of people could stand to read, myself included. I think we sometimes take online far too seriously when it's just...online!

bravo!

Zeph

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
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Member: Subbie Mafia
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(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 37

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