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Sub 'competition' - 10/14/2004 5:01:49 PM

lilninotchka

Posts: 121
Joined: 8/27/2004
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i've a question - i recently joined a couple for a session. Male dominant/submissive female and i was kind of submissive to both. i had known them for about 6 months prior to this. The entire time we were together, i was getting a bad feeling from the other sub involved. In the end, i discovered that she was both jealous and felt very competitive. i can understand the feeling of jealousy on her part, but i am unsure of the feelings of competitiveness she felt.

i was wondering if anyone had any experiences or ideas to share about that competitiveness. Is it common? Mostly among those who identify as submissive? Is it just human nature or more often seen in connection with this sort of relationship? Something else i'm not even thinking of?

Thanks in advance for any and all thoughts.

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/14/2004 5:17:39 PM

DaddyDomnCOLO

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Joined: 10/3/2004
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I'm no professional shrink, and I obviously haven't met every submissive let alone the one you speak of but... it is my experience that being submissive doesn't change all the other qualities that a person has. Maybe she has been competitive throughout her life, either in sports, academics or the business world. If so, I would expect her to be competitive in all things still. Maybe you can get her aside, talk to her one on one. Learn what is behind her drive... if you want to remain clsoe to them that is. On a side note, I would bet money that adding you to their relationship wasn't her idea and there may be issues of trust and judgement between her and her Dom. But I could be completely wrong on everything ;)

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/14/2004 5:27:26 PM

sub4hire

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Perhaps since she was already jealous she had been bullied into the scene by her Dominant. She may have felt within herself you were going to take her place?
Therefore she had to fight for what was hers?

It's just an idea.

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/14/2004 8:35:58 PM

lilninotchka

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From what i know of her, she isn't overly competitive elsewhere. i guess i was wondering if this really was something more normal than not, but i guess it probably isn't. Assuming that there was some fear of replacement on her part and the very good possibility that it wasn't her idea, i am wondering what i should do next. i have tried talking to her, but she insists there is absolutely no problem. If there is one thing i know i can do well, it's judge a person's body language and hers was screaming "get away!!". He tells me that 'there may be some minor issues' for her and to stick with the relationship.

What i have done is back off - i haven't done anymore scenes with them and i seriously cut the amount of time spent on emails, phone calls and things like that. It's not easy telling him 'no' at this point, but i feel like that may be the best thing. i would very much appreciate opinions on any of this.

Thank you

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/14/2004 8:47:45 PM

sub4hire

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Sounds like you have a good plan to me. It's too bad they cannot communicate. I mean, really what sort of relationship do they have? It sounds as if she is insecure. It isn't helping that he cannot hear it.

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/15/2004 3:40:22 PM

lilninotchka

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Thank you both for your replies here. It definitely helps me be more sure of what i should do about it all. Kind of sad...but, there are others and the next munch is just a few weeks away. i am definitely going

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/16/2004 1:33:54 PM

IservBlkKingPaPa

Posts: 84
Joined: 8/17/2004
From: Long Island NY
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Jealousy is destructive in every lifestyle, just more so in ours. this girl has had her share of boughts with jealousy and has learned that because we as human beings are not perfect, we will share some characteristics that are less than perfect also, therefore displaying negative emotions which even though may be an inherited flaw, we as human beings should strive to overcome. but it is not easy and requires alot of work.

Competetiveness is also a trait of alot of females and another trait that does not have any business being a part of this lifestyle. That Dom, ITGHO still needs to put his sub through some training before she is ready to play again. Both jealousy and competetiveness has been responsible for people being hurt by another and sometimes murder. whatever you put in, you get out.

@}slave}viktorya}--
Every Rose has her Thorns...

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/18/2004 10:03:20 AM

lilninotchka

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IservBlkKingPaPa

That Dom, ITGHO still needs to put his sub through some training before she is ready to play again. Both jealousy and competetiveness has been responsible for people being hurt by another and sometimes murder. whatever you put in, you get out.

Thanks...i really needed to hear that 'murder' part...

Seriously, though - Do you think training can overcome those feelings she has? i am definitely no real threat to her or her relationship...that has been explained many times and i always act in accordance also. There is no real reason for her feelings from my point of view.

Perhaps there is something else i could/should do to help her feel less threatened? Should i play with Him without her? That has been offered and i have accepted a few times in the past. She says 'no problem', but i always feel that she is not being honest about it - he also agrees that she is not being honest about it. i have declined further offers because i know she is hurting over it all. i am wondering now if my being involved could possibly help her work through those feelings...or was it really better that i backed off? His wants to go ahead without her - i am seriously questioning that decision. Perhaps i shouldn't?

i know you can't exactly answer these questions because you don't know all the particulars and people involved, but if you have any ideas or suggestions, they would really be appreciated.

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/18/2004 10:13:28 AM

slavewithnoname

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I tend to agree that peraps she wasn't a 'willing partner' in this... typically jealousy shows a bit of insecurity in the relationship. Perhaps she worries that he would rather have you since you are secure with sharing? What were both their reasons for wanting to include another? Have they tried this before? How did any previous tries end? a lot of unsaid variables... But typically, jealousy does not just go away...
Best of luck!
~slavegirl~

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/18/2004 1:58:10 PM

IservBlkKingPaPa

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From: Long Island NY
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sorry about the murder comment lilninotchka

this slave tends to agree that the sub in this situation, is not a willing participant. she obviously is only going along with her Dom so as to make him happy but dying inside.
If she is insecure in her position, it is her master's responsibility to make his sub comfortable, nothing you can do will change the way she feels.

When one faces jealousy, one needs to look at thier partner, not the one coming in, because if your partner is true to thier word, nothing the "xtra" can do will make a difference. Jealousy is a vanilla trait that needs to be "unlearned".

As far as you playing alone with him, that might be a mistake because if she has fears and insecurities that might make her feel like she is being phased out.

If her Dom is doing everything that he can to make her feel secure and she still has these feelings, you may try to extend your hand out in a friendship between two lifestyle sisters. this slave knows that if she feels close to the female and genuinely cares for her as a friend and a lover as well as her Master, she feels much more at ease.

If his sub doesn't know you well enough, on a more intimate level, she may have feelings of distrust. It is always easier to share with your friends than strangers.

so maybe if you two can build some kind of friendship that doesn't include her Dom and may have nothing to do with the lifestyle at all. Shopping trips, eating out (at a restaraunt that is)

....etc. this slave hopes she has helped a bit.

@}PaPa's}slave}--
Every Rose has her Thorns...

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RE: Sub 'competition' - 10/20/2004 8:19:58 PM

softysub

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Joined: 10/20/2004
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Hi:

During the summer, i have had sessions with a Dom/sub and it turned out to be a real nightmare. She was always telling me that she was better than me, that her Dom wouldnt want me and that he was not allowed to session with me alone. I really hated this situation, if two cannot trust each other, then they shouldnt involved a third party.

She always brought me down and that really made me question myself as to if i was made to be in this lifestyle. So after the third session, i told the other subbie that i wouldnt do it again with them and she replied, well ok cause my Dom needs a sub that he can get excited by and much thinner.

It didn't take long for me to say dont call me, i'll call you......i dont think it is sane at all to compete. A subbie is suppose to help a sub sister, no? So after telling my Dom, cause i did have His permission, He said i wasnt allowed to even speak to her again and that she was a real bad influence for me, and not worthy to be called a sub. I am so glad i have My Dom :))

softysub :)

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