RqrCompanionS
Posts: 76
Joined: 7/16/2011
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This is not so much of a question as a "Feel free to put your two cents in". Last night, I had an online conversation with a young man. We've been in contact many times. I do wonder about him and miss him when he's gone, but, we have not talked a great deal, just by way of being friendly; it's mostly been strictly related to service and BDSM, and, a little about work and school.
The thing is, during that conversation, he made it clear he wants to serve me. thinks I'm sexy, likes me as a person, likes that we can get along. Basically, he, also said he'd live non-sexually, even though he is turned on by me, and, suggested that I slap him if I start to feel turned on, which would only make him happier (and, also, more turned on).
Now, understand, regardless of what you think, I am dealing with this from the perspective of a person who does not believe in having sex outside of marriage, who does not believe in marrying unless it is for love, and, who thinks that purposely leading people into lustful situations counts as sex. And, I believe he understands this, as well. Certainly, we have discussed it, more than once. Though, I am not sure he fully understands it, as, most people do not - not even the vanilla ones, not even the ones who claim to be Christian and attend religious meetings regularly, mostly.
Anyway, during the conversation, it was brought up that, of course, the logical alternative to him not serving me, because we are attracted to each other, is that we get to know each other better, see how that works out, and, if it works out well, get married and then he could serve me as my slave boy, including sexually, if that's something I wanted.
I have two things that keep bugging me. One is that this is not a mild age discrepancy. It's, what? 17 years, give or take. Which would make not so much difference now, as he is intelligent and mature for his age, and, we do get along; but, it might make a serious difference in 15 or 20 years. Or, you know, it may not. A lot of people think my parents, and other older relatives, are a good 20 or 30 years younger than they are, and, on my good days, I still get harassed by the police for going near the liquor store.
Don't rush to look at my photos on here, and, eye them in disbelief. lol I said on the good days!
The other thing is that, I fell madly in love with someone, once, and, I never fell out of love with them. This young man reminds me of the other slightly less young man. So, I worry that somewhere in my subconsciousness, I am simply trying to make a substitution. I mean, I know I like him as a person, but, maybe all the feelings that go beyond that are really still for someone else. And, I worry that this other person may some day come back into my life, and, if they do, what will happen then.
Mind you, I worry about it, because, it has happened before, but, I don't think it is going to happen again, because, he is attempting to do the honorable thing and avoid making me suffer alongside him as he dies from his illness. But, it has happened before, that I met someone, I began to enjoy their company to the point of thinking that maybe this would be alright and maybe I was over him, and, then, he showed back up and, with one little sentence, really just by his existence, upset the whole balance of my life, all over again. Not in a bad way, except, it is bad to wait and want, where there is a great unlikelihood of there being a furthering of the relationship.
So, this is not about a rational choice, wherein I can say that Subject A is right for me because and Subject B should only be a friend because. This is about dealing with the fact that, about a decade ago, I met someone where this was this immediate connection, that never went away. There is no such thing, even if he is not physically in my life, as him ever not being a part of my life, as his existence colours mine.
To be with someone, I have to know that this is a person where I could sit in the same room with the man I fell in love with before them, and, be glad that they are my lover and he is my friend. For their sake, as much as mine.
Only, I don't know how to know that, without doing it, and, I do not know how to do it, if he is off being noble and out of touch.
These are the thoughts swirling around in my head.
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Much younger man - 
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