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Asherscorp1 -> RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? (7/25/2011 11:27:44 PM)
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One night after Master had spent about 2hrs beating me with various whips, fucking me and fisting me until I was bleeding, covered in welts and exhausted, He was cradling me in His lap on the floor and petting me and I started suddenly just sobbing hysterically. I was so horrified at what had just happened. But I believe the moment I started really freaking out was when I realized just how content and right I felt. How RIGHT I felt ... lying there bruised horribly, sore, stretched from fisting, my eyes red and burning and I wouldn't have changed anything. I felt so guilty for asking another human being, much less my Master who I adore, to do those things to me. If I really loved Him I couldn't actually want Him to turn into the sort of monster who would do that to a woman, right? And if I were normal I would never, ever WANT those awful things. But when I really examined it, I didn't think He was a monster for doing them, I loved Him even more for it. He didn't think I was a freakish mess who needs therapy, He loves me even more for submitting to it. There you have it. Are we "normal"? Nope. But does it make us happy and is it healthy? Yes. You just have to revel in whatever makes you feel fulfilled as a person. Communicate with your Dom so He can help you through those feelings and reassure you, but don't feel sick or weird. If it works for you and is healthy in the end then there is no reason not to feel great about it. I still have days where I shake my head and think, "How did I come to this? Wtf?" But it's more just an idle ironic thought, not a serious question of myself as a person.
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