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Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/22/2011 6:02:58 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline 		I dunno if this is a weird question or not...And I bet most people here are enough in tune with themselves that they don't struggle with the same issue that I do. Or perhaps everyone does. I dunno. But please go easy.. this is quite sensitive to me ._.


Ok so I have been into humiliation for a long time now... Quite extreme stuff. I have fantasies of suffering just... odd, humiliating, degrading things. Not that uncommon for the bdsm community.

Me and my dom have also started getting more serious about it. Hes quite sadistic, and Im quite masochistic, and he's open to all my desires no matter how dark or disgusting. So lately, we've done a lot of things that have been on my to-do list for such a long while...
While it's exciting and hm.. fulfilling I guess.... Sometimes I just feel this crisis of identity and self doubt.

I feel like I'm filthy and weird and low for desiring the things I do. But I don't think I can do without them either. If I don't keep my masochistic side satisfied, I start getting desperate and do stupid things.
It's sometimes hard to deal with having the dom that was once really friendly and loving, be so cruel(not forever though, dont worry).

But Im finding myself willing to do anything for him. It fulfills both me and him. It just leaves me with a weird aftertaste in my mouth. Maybe it's just that I need to get used to having stepped up the game a bit. I dunno. It's just... You look back at the thing you just did and think: How on earth did I get myself to do that? Am I insane?

Does anyone else experience this? o.o Am I in fact just one little pebble amongst thousands?
Also how do you deal with it, if you feel weird, or perhaps disgusted after a session?


Anyway once again, I'm sorry if this is sort of a weird question. ._. Just pass it by if it is.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/22/2011 6:20:52 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I felt like a bad feminist when I discovered BDMS in 1997 but I am long over that. This is just the way I'm wired. I revel in my sexuality.

(in reply to littlekitten1)
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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 4:37:18 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I think what you're feeling is a reaction against our social programming. We are told that xyz is wrong, so when we do it and enjoy it, our life's programming kicks in and leaves us feeling...unsettled (for want of a better word).

I too am a masochist. Master has me do things that I should find humiliating, but I don't. They seem right. I engage in play that others would find perhaps extreme and disturbing, but for us it's right.

At the start of my first ever relationship I went through a period where I felt a bit unsettled about the things I enjoyed, began wondering if I was some kind of a freak. I even went through a phase of mild depression and anger that I was 'made different'.

I managed to sort myself out by reading the stuff on these messageboards, and by getting into my local kink scene. I talked to people who had felt the same or at least understood what I was going through, and eventually I realised that this is just 'me'.

I was fortunate to find Master, whose needs mirror mine. There's very little I could ask for that he would find odd or simply 'no go'. In fact, there are things he has planned that have made me think that he is perhaps even more odd than me, lol!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 5:05:39 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You're getting your needs met.  They've been there for a while but now they're becoming REAL.

You're flying without the safety net.  You're finding yourself dependent on him, not yourself, for safety and knowing it'll all end well.  This is a part of the lifestyle.  Just make sure you can trust him.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 6:05:06 AM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline 		Bunny and Steven have it right. Just part of the process

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 6:19:49 AM   
mysouldesire


Posts: 85
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		Is it truly part of the process?

Wont preach have you talked with your dom about this, but am gonna ask, did you?
Maybe he feels a bit like you and is asking the same questions? Secret feelings and thoughts.....just share.

(in reply to Epytropos)
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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 6:25:35 AM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysouldesire

Is it truly part of the process?


It has been in my experience. Even for me as a dom it took a bit of time to come to accept my own sadism as something to be embraced with a partner rather than something to be buried and sublimated. I'm sure there are those for whom societal norms never really sunk in that wouldn't experience it, but it seems quite common.

That said,
quote:


Maybe he feels a bit like you and is asking the same questions? Secret feelings and thoughts.....just share.

If you haven't told him, you should. This is something to be worked through together.


_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to mysouldesire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 6:29:53 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Yup, what Epytropos said.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 10:03:08 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		I went through it. Truth? I actually spoke to a therapist about it (though, I'm one of those people that talks to a therapist about what color to paint my bathroom, so you really can't go by me). I was concerned that I was being abusive toward myself in an unhealthy way - not understanding - why can't I enjoy sex like everyone else does (or seems to)? Why do I feel like I want to do all this crazy shit? It passed with time, more comfort in my own self, and also, finding a partner who matched or exceeded my desires. (I have to admit, it sucks when you're with someone who looks at you like you have two heads if you mention trying something new. Talk about feeling self-conscious.)

Feelings such as these are probably why I, and others, come to these boards. It is a group of like-minded people who don't mind that you enjoy _____, ______, and ______. You can see that what you do really isn't all that filthy and weird after all. (Unless filthy and weird are good. :)


(in reply to myotherself)
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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 10:23:47 AM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I went through it. Truth? I actually spoke to a therapist about it (though, I'm one of those people that talks to a therapist about what color to paint my bathroom, so you really can't go by me). I was concerned that I was being abusive toward myself in an unhealthy way - not understanding - why can't I enjoy sex like everyone else does (or seems to)? Why do I feel like I want to do all this crazy shit? It passed with time, more comfort in my own self, and also, finding a partner who matched or exceeded my desires. (I have to admit, it sucks when you're with someone who looks at you like you have two heads if you mention trying something new. Talk about feeling self-conscious.)


What did the shrink say?


_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 12:02:30 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I went through it. Truth? I actually spoke to a therapist about it (though, I'm one of those people that talks to a therapist about what color to paint my bathroom, so you really can't go by me). I was concerned that I was being abusive toward myself in an unhealthy way - not understanding - why can't I enjoy sex like everyone else does (or seems to)? Why do I feel like I want to do all this crazy shit? It passed with time, more comfort in my own self, and also, finding a partner who matched or exceeded my desires. (I have to admit, it sucks when you're with someone who looks at you like you have two heads if you mention trying something new. Talk about feeling self-conscious.)


What did the shrink say?



Oh, she was batshit crazy.

:)





(in reply to Epytropos)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 12:28:44 PM   
whatisthewhat


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I felt like a bad feminist when I discovered BDMS in 1997 but I am long over that. This is just the way I'm wired. I revel in my sexuality.



This. 100%. However, limiting yourself to a certain type of sexual expression just because you're afraid it might not be PC is not a feminist act at all.

However, I know what you mean about feeling strange after a session or whatever you want to call it. Sir is into things that were not hard limits for me but were things that just...kind of grossed me out at first (my previous M/s relationship was kinky really only in that it was a TPE; not really that kinky in terms of sexual practices). I did feel strange after engaging in those activities that I'd previously considered somewhat taboo. One time I almost ended the relationship because I was uncomfortable and humiliated by what happened. My solution: Talk to Sir about my discomfort. It worked wonders. He is who he is; he will not give up his fetishes. And his fetishes are definitely NOT the sum total of our relationship--not even close. Nonetheless, I am much more comfortable with them and have even come to enjoy them, myself, since they give him so much pleasure.

Talk about it with him if you haven't already done so. Let him know the depth of your uncomfortable feelings after scenes of humiliation. Hopefully, that will solve the problem for you because my telling you to relax and enjoy your kink will not.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 12:29:57 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlekitten1
And I bet most people here are enough in tune with themselves that they don't struggle with the same issue that I do... Ok so I have been into humiliation for a long time now... Quite extreme stuff...I feel like I'm filthy and weird and low for desiring the things I do.

I don't know if this will help any, but stop to think for a moment... I think of myself as owning my wife... not in some sort of "kinky dating" sense... but in the "I own a slave" sense. Don't you think there's more than a few cultural taboos in that? And, past the cultural taboos, don't you think I (and really any reasonably decent guy) would have to wrestle a bit with the concept of actually owning another human being?

No, you're not all alone :)

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to littlekitten1)
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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 12:36:25 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

At the start of my first ever relationship I went through a period where I felt a bit unsettled about the things I enjoyed, began wondering if I was some kind of a freak. I even went through a phase of mild depression and anger that I was 'made different'.



Being a freak and being "made different" are good things. In fact, I would say they are great things. We are not a bunch of robotrons, all of us enjoying the same things, we are the variety of life.

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 7:56:20 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Yeah, of course I do, I am weird.


_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 7:58:56 PM   
lockedaway


Posts: 1720
Joined: 3/15/2007
Status: offline 		Me????????  Fuck no!  But my friends think I'm crazy as a shit-house rat.

(in reply to littlekitten1)
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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 8:01:54 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

But my friends think I'm crazy as a shit-house rat.
Not only your friends.  

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 8:07:00 PM   
lockedaway


Posts: 1720
Joined: 3/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

But my friends think I'm crazy as a shit-house rat.
Not only your friends.  


Sheesh...does that mean my enemies too or casual observers or both????  Well...friends, enemies, casual observers, they are the weird ones.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/23/2011 11:40:52 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline 		Hello all. Thank you so much for your words and your advice :)

I feel better right now. I keep fluctuating between loving this, and feeling sort of weird. But in the end, I have to accept myself for who I am. This feeling weird thing probably is a result of social programming amongst other things. I mean.. In fantasies, i never felt this strongly, as they were kept safely in my little mind. But when I think about it, even then, I would sometimes feel remorseful at my fantasies.

Anyway I have talked to my Dom about it before... And today, I talked to him about an issue, that I think was was related. We seemed to have solved something at least, so Im feeling happier now, and more courageous to go on.
Just a quick note on him. We have been together 5 years now :p ... We started out as friends, then gf/bf and then more and more D/s... And I trust him fully and completely. We don't only have a power exchange. First and foremost we have deep and impenetrable love for each other :p At least it feels that way.
Also he's been great in listening to me, and not making me feel like a freak for opening up.

I think that I will in time learn to feel good about myself, despite the fact that I get happiness and pleasure from... weird things :p

I always had the opinion that one remains innocent, as long as they feel innocent. And I think that's one of the issues. I fear losing my innocence. But I think as long as i stay true to myself, that feeling will remain.


Also, thank you everyone for posting about your own feelings about it. I suppose its nice that I'm not the only one, and it seems to be overcome-able, so Im a bit more at ease now.





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RE: Do you ever feel weird about yourself? - 7/24/2011 6:59:21 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko



Oh, she was batshit crazy.

:)



Ok that made me laugh. 

To the OP, it's a beautiful and rare thing when we can find someone who accepts us for who we are, in all our weirdness.  Enjoy it, relish in it, be grateful for it, and go on loving yourself.  I think you're judging yourself based on what society says, rather than by what's in your heart and what you're enjoying with your dominant.  Seriously, if you're both happy and not hurting anyone, then let go and fly.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 20
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